atelophobicity

[atelophobicity]

my first 2024 post and all because i logged in here to read nct dream smut. 🤣

i am not okay. i am on the verge of breakdown. but i have pending responsibilities, so let me do that first.

for now, we move. or move as much i can in this frozen state.

[atelophobicity]

guys it turns out if you wanna have fun and be a fun and interesting person you like have to fill your day with fun things and not just rotting in your room …… need a moment to process

[atelophobicity]

I was thinking recently about how "alt" subcultures are so aestheticized now but they used to be much more about your societal views than the clothes you wore or even the bands you listened to, and my brain connected some dots. Idk if this is anything

[atelophobicity]

Once you become a certain age, it is your responsibility to unlearn behaviors that hinder your growth as a person.

[atelophobicity]

after 8 months,

hi.

a lot has happened in 8 months since i have been here. and while i would love to put it all in a numbered list, i'm not ready for the universe to knock me down and say, you haven't seen the last of me and what i can do.

so i won't. not yet.

but i am okay. okay as in i have now realized i have a lot of anger and resentment, not just to the people around me but to the world at large. sometimes, it's because i catch myself thinking that i am the main character and people should pay attention the most to just me; most of the time, it is because i know i am nothing but a speck of dust in this universe and i, alone, am not enough. cue despair.

okay as in i know now that the world will not give you everything on a silver platter. sometimes it gives you crumbs. if you're lucky, you get a biscuit. most of the time, you have to fill your own plate. and by this, i have seen opportunities and i took most of it. i am not saying that this has made me a better functioning person, or that it has advanced me towards my bigger life goals. these aren't the opportunities that was necessary, but was welcomed nevertheless for how okay--and dare i say it, happy--it made me feel.

i am okay as in my worldview has remained the same but also has been challenged by the my current experiences and processes. i have unlearned, learned, relearned a lot of stuff. i respect and love my mom more. i appreciate my dad more. i love my siblings more. i was the toxic friend that got cut off deservedly. i need to apologize to the people i have hurt as soon as my anxiety eases off. i need a job, fuck my anxiety. i want to reconnect with my other friends too.

the start of the year broke me, maybe more than the previous pandemic years. i am still picking up the pieces and patching it up. but now, it is not me by my lonesome, all alone upstairs, doomed with my relentless existential to the point of suicidal thoughts. this time, i have responsibilities (which, even though is difficult and burdensome and stressful, has actually made me feel lighter) and a sense of duty to get up and get going, no matter how doomed i feel. i let myself feel okay. i am okay. i am not lucky or the happiest there is, but i am okay. i hope this feeling lasts.

[atelophobicity]

3/20

pakamatay na lang kami. everything is so futile anyway. we suffer for what? for arbitrary and outdated rules our ancestors put here in the first place? well, i don't want to play by the rules. if the only fucking way to get out of this motherfucking labyrinth is to blow our brains out, so be it.

so tired of fucking running in this life with the finish line being moved further and further away. so tired of making plans and throwing it all away because life decided to throw gallons and gallons of fucking lemons to your face while your eyes are open. so tired of being here, when the world and its systems and its arbitrary rules is doing everything in its power to wish you and your family are dead.

(because when you die alone, you become a burden. so might as well take your family with you.)

kawawa naman sila maiiwan dito naghihinagpis, ano? iiwan mo na dala-dala ang lungkot, inis, gastos na dala ng pagpapakamatay mo. eh di wag kawawain. dalhin na lang silang lahat kung saan ka makakarating din. wala rin namang nakakaalam sa kinahihinatnan ng mga tao pagtapos ng buhay. kung sa langit mapunta, mabuti. kung sa impyerno man, sige. wala namang makakaalam hangga't di rin sila nalalagutan ng hininga.

bago umalis, mag-iwan ng mensahe. ang dramatic kung ang tinta ay dugo. okay na yung papel kung saan makikita nilang lahat.

para sayo 'to, tita jore, tito rodel. kasi ang dali-dali sa inyong magpaalam sa mga bagay na wala ka namang attachment. porke't nasa ibang bansa na kayo at maayos na ang buhay, na salamat sa suporta at pagtatrabaho ng mga magulang mo at nanay ko para mangyari yan lahat sa inyo.

para sayo 'to, tita beth. sa relentless niyong pagsakop at pag-angkin sa lupa. sa walang konsiderasyon sa amin kaya gulung-gulo na ang buhay ko at ng pamilya ko. hindi mo madadala 'tong lupa at bahay sa kabilang buhay.

hindi ko mapapatikim sa inyo ang batas ng mga api. pero sa oras na umakyat kayo sa langit, mahihila ko kayo pababa. at kung pinapunta kayo sa dapat niyong kahitnatnan, sisiguraduhin kong mas magdudusa kayo kesa amin.

-

my own thoughts scare me. before i will never get why people committed suicide. or suicide murder. i didn't understand how could you be so cruel to take someone's choice away by putting their life in your bloody hands.

my brain now knows: it's not just selfishness or hatred. it's love. it's hopelessness. it's caring too much. it's the futility of it all. it's finally giving yourself up to the temptation jesus rebuked. it's freedom from the choices you did and didn't make. it means nothing. but it also means everything. it's going to be difficult, but once you start, it'll only get easier from there. you just have to know which shot is the most effective, which stab is the best means to do it so.

and so the plan starts.

[atelophobicity]

i am feeling emotional about the people in my phone because we are literally witnessing each others lives and growth in such an intimately distant way. i know your favourite book passages but i don't know your last name and if i make it to 60 i will probably still think of you often even then

[atelophobicity]

THEY STILL REMEMBER THE OLD WAYS 😭

(Video sources)

[atelophobicity]

Video Source

The French president Macron is trying to raise their retirement age from 62 to 64 (and 67 for some?). French people have protested peacefully for 2 months but yesterday his government went ahead and invoked an article in their constitution that allows them to force the bill past the National Assembly without letting its deputies vote on it. Now Paris is burning ☺️

The trash collectors have gone on strike and so 7000+ tons of garbage has been piling up in the streets, then they get set on fire by protestors at night ☺️

(Source)

(Source)

If you’re wondering - “Retirement age at just 64 and they’re burning shit down? In my country I can’t retire until 65/67/70+!!”

French people have kept it low BECAUSE they burn shit down if it’s threatened ☺️

[atelophobicity]

02/21

a month ago, i challenged myself to write 4 drabbles for a fandom i am in. just to try it out. it’s a simple project, really. and i’m all for small projects this year, because i was trying to make 2023 a year where i took charge of my own life.

except life had other plans for me. my days lent for job hunting and completing a college requirement turned to days of packing, decluttering, moving small items to huge amounts of furniture either to the space we were moving into, the junk shop, or the rented jeepney going to nanay’s house. 8 hour sleeps became 5, then 4, then 3 because while the elders budgeted and deliberated how they would make this work, i was up all night staring at my own budget tracker, or the night sky, or the house that i grew up in that would be no more because of a common filipino family game called agawang-lupa.

it has been a month and nine days since i made that promise. i would chuckle loudly at how a month and nine days ago me was so hopeful about this year, except i’m afraid that chuckle would turn into a choked sob, because i miss the month and nine days ago me who was hopeful about this year.

i don't know anymore when would i write those 4 drabbles. because as much as i would like to say that i am strong and formidable at my big age of official quarter life crisis haver, i know that i am fickle, fragile, and would punish myself if i didn't follow through a re-promise.

that's why i came back here, to my first, most familiar way of writing: oversharing in my oldest tumblr blog of the latest thing that compelled me to write my own feelings. because to me, this is a reminder that i may not be able to write those 4 drabbles in the foreseeable future, but i am still capable of writing something, even if something is just a less than 500 word essay on the perils of being an underprivileged fanfiction writer wannabe.

(this is me, trying to take charge of my own life, in teeny-tiny small steps.)

[atelophobicity]

been in a high school musical funk recently so this thinkpiece is something that i'm glad i found! so happy somebody else has fleshed out my thoughts well. this conflict given to troy for the final film of the trilogy really felt forced... and honestly, if they wanted to go on this road, the conflict should have been given to gabriella instead in my opinion! she's usually the initiator to troy's yes-man anyway when it comes to being involved in musicals or any music-inclined activities. but since the trilogy evolved from troy and gabriella's story to troy's story, of course this had to go to him. haha!

Look guys, it’s 2022 and I think it’s time we all acknowledged something…

No way does Troy Bolton actually have genuine passion for musical theater, okay? His interest in it literally begins and ends with Gabriella’s involvement for three movies straight. He sees it as a way to bond with her, and tbh it’s also probably subconsciously a way for him to push back against his dad and other friends making him feel like he’s only “allowed” to think about basketball.

Like– every single time he gets involved with a production, it’s someone else’s idea. He got roped into doing karaoke against his will. He auditioned for Twinkletown because Gabriella decided on the spot that she wanted to (and tbh her reasons for doing that are an essay for another day) but was told that she couldn’t sing alone. And he stuck with it because, again, bonding experience and teenage defiance. In the second movie he agrees to do the country club talent show solely with the promise of Gabriella and all his friends being involved, and when it looks like that’s not going to be the case after all, his interest plummets immediately. Same thing in the third movie with the senior musical.

He’s consistently flabbergasted and uncomfortable at the idea of ever performing alongside someone who isn’t his girlfriend, which is something he would uhhhhh kinda need to get used to if he was really planning on pursuing musical theater seriously in the future??? Especially since I highly doubt Gabriella is planning on ever performing again after graduation– and even if she was, the chances of them always being cast opposite each other in every production is nonexistent.

When Troy isn’t practicing basketball at school, he plays it with his friends and his dad for fun. Do we ever see him sing or dance for fun? (The movies’ musical numbers don’t count, they’re clearly non-diegetic.) Do we ever see him hum, or tap his feet, or even whistle? Hell, do we ever see him even LISTEN to music?? I don’t think so! But you’d think we would if any of those things brought him even close to the same amount of joy that basketball does.

Basically, I feel like singing, for Troy, is just something he finds kinda enjoyable and likes to do with his friends once in a while. That’s all it’s ever been. And y’know what? That’s completely fine.

Here’s the thing though: …I don’t think he knows it’s fine.

He started off as just “the basketball guy” and found that restrictive. Now he’s “the basketball AND singing guy”, and whaddya know, it turns out that’s almost equally restrictive. Because even if he ends up realizing, deep down, that musical theater isn’t something he’s especially passionate about for its own sake, he feels like he can’t possibly admit that now, because he made such a big deal about it at the beginning! It literally turned the whole school upside down! His friends and family JUST got around to accepting the idea that he could do other things besides play basketball if he wanted.

They’re all dumb teenagers who don’t understand yet that identity is something you can try on for a while and ultimately decide it’s not for you, y’know? Even though the, like, moral of the first movie– if not the whole trilogy– is that you can and should do whatever makes you happy and not worry about what everyone else thinks, I don’t believe Troy has fully grokked that concept by the end.

TLDR: Troy Bolton announced that he was planning to double-major in sports and musical theater, but I bet you money that he’s gonna drop the theater stuff as soon as he realizes that being a professional stage performer and doing karaoke with your girlfriend aren’t the same thing.

[atelophobicity]

Anyone from these countries didn't even need to check the news this morning, they just felt a shot of adrenaline sent right from their ancestors hit their blood stream and knew something had changed

[atelophobicity]

the quote retweets on misha's tweet are NOT holding back oh my god

[atelophobicity]

A selection of some of my favourite tweets from today:

[atelophobicity]

Just so you know… There is no “the queen”. Why? 

There are so, so many queens.

They make up half of the human population.

We call them “women”. 

[atelophobicity]

[atelophobicity]

👏🏾Education 👏🏾is 👏🏾a 👏🏾right,👏🏾 not👏🏾 a👏🏾 service 👏🏾

Pass along and use the shit out of them