aterriblechoice

[aterriblechoice]

wtf.

I guess im starting this because my book is more depressing than my life.

I want out of this rut that im in because truly it feels as tho i have gotten to a point in my life where things feel unreal, do the people i love, do they actually love me too. Am i being a good parent? Am i only making fucking mistakes.. i guess being pregnant with baby number four its about time i figure out what the actual fuck i am doing, progress some and maybe i could figure out a way to stop making excuses for the people who have traumatized me and maybe after that i can take some accountability for my own bullshit i pull because yep. im fucking traumatized, probably from the time i was a child it was put into my head that if i didnt put 100 percent effort into people they would change on me and leave but thats not even the case cause even if you do, they still might and you killed yourself people pleasing for what exactly? it sure doesnt do me any good. i still hate what i look at in the mirror and i still feel like im not enough and i never will be.. i dont want that mindset anymore, i want to smile more, i want to try for me more, i want to be the best me and if what all the inspirational internet says is true the people who love me truly will be there to cheer me on.. and thats super easy to say but like where the fuck do i actually start, especially pregnant. im so messed up and overwhelmed with myself and my home life i feel like all i can do is roll over and die but like thats not an option, i have still zack sofia amelia valor and fetus to think about. Zack.. fuck i hope he progresses with me, i hope he is the first to cheer me on. he does deserve it.. his life has been harder and more confusing than mine ever has been, but hes still good, like to his core so good.. just a very lost person. im glad i found him, who knows what could have happened if he hadnt chosen to be a daddy and a partner. Hes a little traumatizing at times, only because i worry so much when his lost soul is in the world. its the blind leading the blind over here and somethings are okay to change and it would probably be okay if i found a way to love myself and to love my family more before that is gone too.