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I know that when i think abut you I think of this very specific version of you. the one that was unforgivably giving. you punch someone in the gut enough, take them for granted, and run with their heart, and you’ve taught them the life skill of keeping their guard up. or maybe you’ve made them lose hope in humanity a little more. The belief slowly dying. Its dying inside of you too.Anyway your making advances at me and its hard to say no. All i want is your warmth. But that’s not sustainable. Sugar that fizzles quickly in closed lips. Instead scraffing down on this unhealthy pink matter I'll use self-control. because you don’t come from the original space I met you. And who are we kidding you’ll never go back. Ill never go back. See i let go because there’s nothing for me within you. Empty brushes aren’t worth the pain. I’ll follow my intuition. Not yours. suppose i paid my dues one last time and ill be on my way. Love. No. Ill keep looking for peace of mind. Mind of my own. Cut through waves. Push against magnetic pulls.

circa 2018-2019

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Fuck I have a headache

When your brain finally has some good creative ideas but it’s 3 AM and you need to sleep

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Insomnia Thought No. 1

Did you ever think you'd hear about homeless college students, food deprived college students, smart and final cashier's with a B.A when you were a kid?

#insomnia #thoughts #college #graduate #homeless #kid #wtf #bleak #future #redeye #ojosrojos #nosleep #pastbedtime #is #this #the #real #life #is #this #just#fantasy #caught #in #a #landslide #no #escape #from #reality

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ALL 👏🏾 OF 👏🏾 THEM 👏🏾

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When canvassing and cold-calling leaves you pondering.

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Title: Why I Hope CLAMP Embraces a Darker Tone with Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card

Essay: No. 1 Subject: 90s Anime and Cartoons

To all 90s kids who sat to watch and are now full fledge adults, Cardcaptor Sakura has been that original magical girl story that made us believe in love, understanding, and hope. Anime for far longer than American cartoons, has been apt to showcase internal conflict to children without the fear that they would not understand. Don’t get me wrong the antics of Pinky and the Brain, Dexter, Johnny Bravo, Catdog, and Courage the Cowardly Dog, where frantically, and vibrantly entertaining, but they were one dimensional. How to take over the world, how to get rid of your annoying sister, how to pester girls, how to be constantly at odds with half of yourself, and just plain exposing you to demons, were silly things never intended to be anything other. But anime took its time. It shared internal monologues, moved the wind as emotions where exchanged, enjoyed the details of food and landscapes. Sometimes it took its sweet time (I’m looking at you Dragon Ball Z!). Cardcaptor Sakura captured my attention because it was dreamy and emotional. Just like we are as kids.

The hero’s journey is not a complex formula. However, they are probably compelling because they are the most relatable. We are evolving every day, whether we want to or not. Complexity in a story stems from the ability to showcase believable change and or personal growth. Sakura and her hero’s journey are believable enough, yet they exist in the fantastic world of love. An ideal one. Sakura opens a book with mysterious cards and meets the guardians of a magical threshold. She faces challenges and sometimes sadness, but she never encounters outright evil, or true lack of control. At least she didn't in the 90s. In fact, most challenges she faces are being created in a controlled environment. The Clow Cards she is charged with collecting were not created for malevolent purposes; their personalities and mischiefs reflect the playful nature of their original master. And when Clow’s reincarnation begins to cause trouble, the purpose is not to hurt but to inspire the growth of Sakura and her powers. Her mentors are people who show unconditional love towards her and each other; never with intention to hurt and no one ever truly getting hurt. Her invincible spell is possible because everyone around her surrounds her with love.

Today nostalgia brings me back to her story. A story I never truly let go off and lead me through the worlds of Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle and xxxHolic. Today I still get vicarious butterflies at Sakura’s and Syaoran’s love. But today I’m a lot older. As creators, It makes me wonder what prompted the CLAMP collective to revisit her story. Did they feel nostalgia too? Initially it felt like it and it made me weary of a narrative being recycled. The series started off with a CLAMP formula that signaled change: a new student. Then, it continued as the other arcs did by having Sakura capture new crystalline cards. But this time, the antagonists are not within the Clow Reed family; Yuna is a free agent with power he is ready to use. There are hints that Sakura and her new counterpart Akiho are being prepared for some form of sacrifice. Her pure love with Syaoran, now holds a secret both guardians Keroberos and Yue have agreed to keep. All the while Sakura’s magic grows stronger and has begun manifesting subconsciously. Perhaps the storytellers did feel melancholy, but they may have also felt obliged to give the story new context that poses a challenge to the idyllic world they created.

I hope this is the case. Posing a risk to the characters and their relationships creates ample room for character development. Perhaps opening the story to a Yuna D. Kaito that is self-interested rather than self-sacrificing can cause him to unleash real chaos. Exploring the feeling of betrayal when Sakura is confronted with the whereabout of her missing cards, would show complexity in her character. Showing how experiences of trauma are created after having one’s powers or friend taken away, humanizes a story. Some might think plot points like these are unnecessarily dark for a children’s show or, maybe they believe they wouldn't work within the Sakura Universe. I disagree. Shows influenced by anime have proven that otherwise. Adventure Time, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra, Steven’s Universe are all shows which have taken the development of their characters seriously by challenging them with darker themes they eventually persevere through. Kids have shown to understand and enjoy the storylines, and us adults relate to all too well. Perhaps, I'm eager to see complex growth because I myself have grown up.

In essence, I believe CLAMP has created a wonderful story and they have the opportunity to add depth by popping the bubble of idealism that surrounds our heroine. They have done it before in alternate dimensions, and unleashing a little bit of chaos in the original story may add depth of character. She might be hurt, she might feel trauma, she might come to know how much more intricate love can be…

In spite of it all, we know

She has her invincible spell.

                                                - atextfromthemoon

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#badbadnotgood #foxtheater #december #iv #concert #jazz #goodvibes

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Kelela by Renell Madrano for Fader Fall 2017

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Saying something risky right before you leave the conversation

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Greenhouuuse

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“I don’t paint dreams or nightmares, I paint my own reality.” 

Frida Kahlo

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This be me at some point...

nap

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Vanessa Mendez shot by me 

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Perfect depiction of my life