athearfears - Tumblr blog

[athearfears]

pneumatic, we are operated by air and tautology. woven futile through space and time.

ephemeral, our every aspiration scattered to the four winds abandoned by history an elegy for the frantic tango-hearts and grasping hands of our ancestors.

a hymn to remind us that all we reach toward is ashes and will be again.

@boxofpaperclips-blog

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   ☆☆FANART☆☆

[athearfears]

How do I explain how it feels not to belong inside your bones?

Perpetually half- hearted, half-sick in love with men you’ve never met and places you’ve only glimpsed in photographs.

@boxofpaperclips-blog

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☆☆FANART☆☆

[athearfears]

Apotheosis Hymn

The monks at the retreat seemed pickled, profane. Chanting children blinded by their wide-eyed wonder. Paralyzed by pacifism. Pitied for all the wrong reasons.

The nuns wore their habits well: a quarter of gin before evening worship. Routine and rosaries, rounded bellies. Modern life terrified them, fossilized in their airless buildings

The scientist wanted everything to deconstruct into digits, to dissect even magic down to simple equation. Each night, he shunned sleep seeking to formulate love alone.

And the addict: a nicotine-stained nightmare, skin thin across the skull and bones rattling like pill bottles. Ever-seeking. Heartbeat a litany of limitless desire.

[athearfears]

Recovery

Fumbling together fragmented pieces of our very souls, we are learning at least to stumble if we cannot fly.

The children of hard-won sincerity, of stuttered sentiments, we struggle against ourselves, shriek the scars of our seething incompatibility with adulthood, nourish ourselves with tears more bitter for the battles we barely survived.

And all the while we rally against our ribs for holding hearts so wholly unaccustomed to hope.

[athearfears]

kill me – slay me with a smile put me out of my misery

and into yours.

[athearfears]

a quiet shadow cast

days I decide to hate everything: listless, luciferous, I illuminate all – but I cannot keep a spark for myself

others I am not so kind

the clutch of joy in my chest approaches agony and I bloom with the pain of all that touches me

[athearfears]

How not to love a prophet

Madness incarnate, he reiterates our miracle

in such light that even fire casts a shadow

hymn to humanity foretold in a small rank room

coloured by the ear of the uncomprehending

-

We are hallowed sin and hollowed saints

eager to consume our gods, castigate our heroes

that testing press of farther, farther fallen

infinity crashing at our straining fingertips

-

The other closes his eyes against it, replies

in kisses and calluses that caress the

fevered edges of possession, craving

everything and nothing all at once

-

Cannot confess: I long to crack your bones

against my myriad wordless hungers

boil stock from galaxies wrapped in skin

swallow every eternity whole

-

He is hanged high and silent

silvered eyes bulge belated with understanding:

every time, the terror inherent in love

is what unmakes us.

[athearfears]

cavernous, clamouring for diction’s pity beating dream-feet, stumbling over wings soiled by each successive skyfall. smashed by apathy, struggling to wake. hoping?

like maybe memories will make a home of my sadness when it swallows me whole do I wish? yes, I wish for this – dandelion seeds versus slightest breeze urging me onward, upward, foretelling:

child, you can breathe this

[athearfears]

godkiller

involute manoeuvre to usurp the divine: mannerly murderers horrifying in abstract more absurd incarnate, ill-defined in dreamskin not wanderer, sanctified by staggering intent apotheosis battling for surrender’s breath

plots laid like tributes to god’s breaking heart (god’s breaking. either way, an end) deity manqué to the soul, marched beyond bone breaking crowns to wordless screaming shards because the throne is almost irrelevant: the value’s in seizing, in the wound.

[athearfears]

Masochism Tango

Violent in delight, like doors we slam

into each other, against ourselves

jarred by the insufficiency of skin

(You drink poison, my lips burn.)

Your tongue names me whetstone.

My own feels thrashed past speech.

I demean myself for your wines.

(Stigmata is not nearly the word.)

Darling, if you don’t mind –

promise me indolent eternities

and bid me kneel for such.

[athearfears]

dearly beloved

we have gathered here today

to spit in your face.

[athearfears]

lament for addiction

caught constant on a knife-edge of leaving

mid-step, screaming obscene for an outlet

(self-harm shadowed by sweetness)

weeks beat by like the hearts we lost

or sold or stole, traded for sustenance

in a needle’s short-lived sting, a swallow

an agony acquired through limitless desire.

~

cigarette smoke mingles with swirling snow

(my mouth kissed the sky)

suddenly no longer numb, I wonder:

is this the miracle I missed?

and know it means I’m healing

caged, but bursting beyond my bones I

cannot bring myself to feel confined

~

our joined hands clench, circled serene

in prayer, roused by the act of conquering

blithe servile selves no longer thrall

broken backs stretched across our sins

for so long our footsteps fumble, but

these paid prophets carry our fragile forms

forward, into the waiting arms of forever

[athearfears]

How I lost my virginity

(tw: rape. finally trying to process this)

My innocence was a cake

I wished for years could be uneaten,

retched up like vomit, regurgitated

somehow still whole,

somehow staying sweet

despite thorough mastication

~

My purity was a promise

my blithe blooming girl-self

made to a future me

A gift ungiven until adulthood

announced its readiness

~

My chastity was a cherished lie

I held to encourage my fledgling ego

Virtue in virginity, pristine prize

ripening right where tainted fingers reach

~

My protest was a secret

my mouth produced, saliva-slick

pressed against your pillow, delayed denial

dumbstruck in the damp dark, blindsided,

blindfolded by the black push of your hand

as you pulled me apart

~

My night was endless –

nowhere to run, I remained

foetal on your futon, readjusting

Taking stock of what insufficient shards

of self and life you sweetly left 

when you swallowed me whole

[athearfears]

shrink

you search for a girl:

glossed lips, guileless smile

mellifluous manner

copper curls and curves

and clouded eyes

custom-built, created

for your consumption –

with this conceit

you come to claim me

half-shadowed and wholehearted

I stand languid and swallow

around smeared lipstick

demeaned obscene

bared teeth and burning blood

I defy you

despite all degradation

I deny you

and to my disbelief

you laugh like I’m joking

a sigh shimmies down the

breadth

of my breath

I try again

I am not that girl

you won’t fit inside me

no matter how small

you shrink me

I will submit to nothing

[athearfears]

These

These? These are my

suffering shoes,

heeled with hollow hope

scraped to shine with

sordid hands,

stained with yesterday’s sin,

carefully curated cruelties

and so many more morbid miracles

my earnest child’s eyes could

hardly withstand.

This? This is the

graveyard of

my grace and guilt,

garden of grand

and ineffectual gestures.

This is where half-remembered

gods worship their

own ruin.

[athearfears]

Winners Write

As long as love's around

we'll tell the tale again and again

until it takes​ ahold of trained tongues

to tell itself.

Unraveling narrative tentatively,

foretelling a future to fit

snug as skin around the

shoulders of the story so far.

Raconteur soothsayer sewing myth

into history stitch by stitch,

subtle seam to hide the horrors,

hollow hem of humanising lullabies.

Homeric heroics hailed

in the lilting voice of victors,

the winners who write wonders

wreathed with war crimes.

[athearfears]

Danaerys

birthright entitled, but earned 

by the beat of a gentle heart

where words are only whisper-thin

weighed against warcries

unspoiled like days before sin

unspooled like silver string

sacrificed to savagery

sold for soldiers

thrashed through a thousand lashes

lost at least a life

at least as many lovers

fed foetal to fire and bloodfury

bursting fevered into birth unburnt 

broken open and betrayed

falling blunted by the blade

of a beloved