athenakassandra - Tumblr blog

[athenakassandra]

126

One of those nights that I don’t understand shit about anything. Well. except the fact that everything around is fucked up, that is.

She thinks I’m selfish, that I’m offensive, to feel how I feel. What she doesn’t know are the thousands of nights that I shed tears for her, or the pain the I carry with me whenever I think that she’s in the arms of someone else. She doesn’t how it hurts when she makes me feel that I’ll never be more than a lover, that we don’t have a future together, that even if the stars aligned for us, she wouldn’t choose a life with me. All of that, and she has the audacity to be offended when I try to reason out that I’m choosing myself this time, or that there might be somebody else out there who could treat me better than she ever did. I just woke up one day and thought if this love is all there is. Is my worth just two hours out of a week? Am I just worth talking to from behind somebody’s back? A lot of questions, and though I didn’t have any straight answers, for the first time I just felt numb, the fire that once seemed eternal on life support, the love of my life slowly fading away. I never knew a day like this would come, but it did. I don’t know if I have to be sorry for anything, but I know I’m the bad guy in someone else’s story. I know it. But yeah I don’t care now. I’ve cared a lot for the past decade of my life, it’s about time I cut my losses.

[athenakassandra]

125

You know why you’re the one? Yesterday was no picnic, what we had to go through was nothing short of a series of random events that proved to be testy at some points. The heat of the impending summer of uncertainty didn’t help. But you know what? I’m happy. On a normal day I would have unleashed a barrage of expletives in maybe a quarter of the stupid shit we won against yesterday. But I was at peace even though from time to time I didn’t seem I was. I guess that’s the bad you would have to deal with that comes with the good that’s us. My heart was full, and it was all because of you.

...

I loved the song, by the way. Though in no way am I under the illusion that I’m somebody special or you’re beneath me or anything along those lines. If I’m being honest, it’s me who’s thankful that you even noticed someone like me. You could have been in love with someone who actually looks good and who’s rich and I’m sure you wouldn’t have hard time, and yet there I was kissing you in the middle of Metro Manila traffic. I guess I found the cure to all my road rage, huh? You’re beautiful in bounds I can’t even start to measure, you’re smart both in life and your chosen profession, and most of all you’re kind to everyone. Even to those who don’t deserve it, I’ve realized, and I love you for it. I love everything about you, and in your words all of ‘you’.

...

Covid is a bummer. It’s been acting like a colossal bitch for over a year now. More than that, I feel like the current events has just thrown a wrench to our best-laid plans. The momentum we’ve so earnestly built will be shattered just like that, and it’s hard for me not to be emotional about it. I certainly do hope that somehow, some way, we can keep it up to the extent that when we see each other again, it’s as if nothing has changed after the events of the 18th of March, 2021.

...

You’re the most important person in my life, the most beautiful, the most loved. I could think of the happiest moments in my life and at the top of my head those will include you many times. I just wish we have more time, because if we did we would have unleashed the magic of whatever we have and touch each others’ lives more. Whatever this is is pure ecstasy, and I wouldn’t trade it for any amount of money or power. I just want to stay lost with you in my arms, kissing your lips with the same fiery passion we’ve always had, making you feel the power of the love that I know will be in this life only. Still, I just want you to know that if ever I’m reborn, I would still want to be me and love you even more. I love you baby.

Do you still want to know why you’re the one? Well there you go, a wall of text that tells you maybe a fraction of what I really want to tell you. This doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel for you, but we’d have to make do of it for now. I guess I’ll have to find more ways to make you feel my love. Maybe when we’re together, I will, that’s a deal. I will miss you, for sure. God I know I will -- so much.

[athenakassandra]

124

124. On the 24th. I was gonna say Happy 24th of the month but I forgot about it. Not that you would appreciate it anyway, you never share my enthusiasm in anything about us though of course it’s completely fine. I’m just saying so that when I don’t do these things anymore you wouldn’t wonder about anything else because you’d already know.

I was in the grocery last Saturday, trying to get my mind off of you. Keyword is trying, because no matter how hard I try I don’t succeed. While I was doing that something caught my eye: Oreo Strawberry -- my boy’s favorite. While I will always going to be telling myself one thing, it will always lead me to something else entirely different. Talk about something hitting you right between the eyes, it’s nuts.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. It’s just one of those nights when everything’s calm and silent and everyone’s asleep because of how unholy the hour is. One of those random thoughts that conjures random but strong feelings. It started with a question: why is it that when you broke up with your current boyfriend a few years back, one of the first things you thought of was to go back together with Klyde’s dad? He’s has always hurt you, but you’ve always made excuses for him so he can come back to you. I was in between these questions, when another one hit me: Why have I never had something like that? Talk about something hitting you right between the eyes.

Honestly, it’s not a good feeling. Just thinking about brings about more questions than answers. Maybe I’m just not worth it. Maybe I’m just a fucking pushover who’s always gonna be taken for granted. I don’t want to dwell in these, but perhaps it’s really this hard to compete with the first love. I’m not even sure if it’s a competition, maybe I didn’t have chance at all from the onset. It’s depressing. It’s been beyond raucous inside my head. But life goes on. It’s the 24th today, but nobody fucking remembered it. Some grand gesture, really.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to read. I’ll do better.

I will always be yours, now and forever

but it’s the same reason why we’re not together

I’m here, you’re there, it’s always gonna be

because you’ve always wanted him, not me

[athenakassandra]

123

I stood there, frozen. It’s ironic that I might have appeared stone cold from the outside because on the inside it’s a different story. I knew what I wanted to do but shouldn’t, and though I’m historically reckless and persistent, I found myself unsure of what to do next at that point in time. I saw you try to lean in for the briefest of instants but even then I just stayed where I was. I still don’t know why, but after you were gone it felt, well, very still. Never mind that I regretted not even touching your hand when you said goodbye, this new feeling of being tolerant of what was once thought of as defeat is something entirely new.

Fun, but not too fun, wasn’t it? To be honest I doubt that you had somewhere along those lines because I think you had a blast, and that’s cool. The way you said it -- ‘ok lang’ -- actually caught me off guard, because I sensed there was something in it that I can’t comprehend, which has never happened before. I’ve seen you try to hide a lot of feelings, only for me to read it like a book without fail. Last Tuesday was different. There was something there that has changed, or maybe has moved on. I’m not so sure what to feel about it, but I guess I should just be happy for you. Perhaps you’re slowly but surely moving away from me, from us.

Nevertheless, I was happy to see you. My life has been an absolute shit show the past couple of weeks, and it was more than nice to have to break away from that even for just a bit. I was happy to make you smile and blush. I am happy to know that I can still turn you on like a microwave. I was happy I can still spend time with you. I will be adding some lines here, some random ones, towards the end of each letter. I’m not trying to be a poet or a writer, just some random stuff I come up when I’m smoking and thinking of you, which was what I did when you left the other day.

Please get well. I’m always here for you. I’m always here to take care of you.

In my mind I knew I should’ve been

but in reality it’s just one of what could have been

and in my heart I knew

she chose what had always been

[athenakassandra]

122

Valentine’s day — or as you put it just mere minutes ago — heart’s day, is that annual affair that I’ve come to dread. It makes me nervous, tense, and on edge, as if there’s something I should be doing but I’m not. A decade of this later, I know that it’s not that I’m not doing anything, it’s that I can’t. Nine years should have given me a clue, but for some reason I wake up each and every time and still hope for a miracle. This year, like the others, didnt yield anything good. But like I told you, its okay now, Im used to it.

I wish this pseudo holiday couldve been celebrated for what it is —- the heart. I wish all the flowers sent, letters written, and words — both said and unsaid — came from the one thing that can’t lie, the heart. Mine is no different. My life of sleepwalking into a fatal trap continued today like a blur, the usual twists and turns that always end up in a giant pile of hollowness and disappointment. I drove for almost five hours reaching and leaving places, accomplishing one task to the next, all while thinking of the one woman I wasn’t with. The same woman that has touched my heart and lit my soul on fire without bothering to stay, and its nothing short of mental torture. I’ve loved you since then and I still love you now, and even though I try my hardest to ignore it, my heart just finds a way to remind me that my heart is somewhere else, that my home is somewhere else. But then again, it’s not for me to decide and I’ve learned that I had to let you go.

You reaching out tonight is the single positive in today’s series of zeroes, and though the absence of the negative is remarkable on its own, the paltry of positive that seems to just come from you and your love is what makes this so unacceptable. I missed you today, and I’m sorry if this is such a bummer.

I just hope you had fun today. Fun but not too fun, might I add. I love you, and this endless pit that separates us just feels a whole lot worse today.

[athenakassandra]

121

Well, I miss you.

New York is cool. I remember you saying you’re choosing Canada over Australia because it’s closer to New York. You’re not entirely wrong, except for the fact that Vancouver is out west (it’s in the same time zone as Los Angeles -- cool city and I want to take you there as well) and New York is at the East. So yeah even in another country we’d still be at its opposite ends. Not really different from our current situation I’d say, or at least that’s how it feels. Just a quick note though baby, whether it’s New York, or Chicago, Toronto (an eastern city in Canada), Los Angeles, or just freaking Manila, I’d always feel happy, contented, and complete as long as I’m with you. Don’t you ever forget that.

I weirdly feel good. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re still hot off a fresh flame of a new love. We both know that it’s not the case for us, but it just feel that way. I know where we’re standing right now and where we’re going, but I find myself relieving everything we did yesterday. It’s a shame I couldn’t record every second, because if I did there’s no doubt I would’ve. Is that weird? Like weird-weird, not the cure-weird we always tend to have? I don’t know, but I don’t care either. I keep no secrets from you, and you’re just about the only person I can show my true self to, so what the hell.

I’ve been thinking about you today. Not sure if that’s the case with you, though I wouldn’t count on it because I know you have a lot on your plate and you have a lot of things to attend to. It’s fine, I get it. I’m just happy I’m not playing sad songs on repeat anymore. At least I got that going for me, it keeps me distracted from the fact that I have four jobs and a wedding to plan. Yeah, while it does give me like a taste of the life I want to live, I still have to come back to reality. It’s better than nothing though, so I shouldn’t complain. I wonder how you’re gonna be spending Valentine’s two days from now. I’ll be thinking of you.

P.S Hey can you teach my boy this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDiRj-6VS-Y We’re gonna do it when I meet him. Well of course except the kiss because that’s reserved for his sister. 

I love you both so much.

[athenakassandra]

120

I’m sorry if I hurt you. God knows hurting you would be one of the last things I would do, and looking back, I know I should’ve been more careful with my words. I love you, and I’ve long conceded that it’s one of the things that I can and will never change. We both know what we are in the good times, but we also know that there’s a lot to be improved when we’re not. On this cold night, hurting you is one of the regrets seemingly floating around my mind. That, and that I miss you. We both know, however, that going back together is out of the question. No, I’m not saying all of this for us to resume what came to halting stop almost three weeks ago. If I’m being honest, pining for you day in and day out is the best I can do for now. Perhaps it’s best for us to love each other this way, agonizing and very much far apart.

You’ve hurt me too. I’ve come to realize that as much as I would like to believe that we are what we say we are, you’ve never really proved to me that you love me. It’s one of the things I haven’t been able to take my mind off, and it hurts even more when it dawned on me that you’ve been saying all the right things but had never been able to match those words with actions. I know you’ve been doing the best you can, but not the best you SHOULD when you say you love someone the way you say you love me. I’ve done all I can for you stay, but all it did was arm you with ammunition to take me for granted, and I don’t want to keep living my life that way. It’s clear that what you want and need isn’t my love, though whatever it is I hope you get as you continue to move forward with your life. There was a time when all I ever wanted was to intertwine that life with mine, but all that unfolded in our year “together” made me think that I should cut my losses and move on. At least, that’s what my mind says I should do.

Of course, my heart, the heart that for some reason only answers to yours, says something completely opposite.

I don’t what it is, I can’t even begin to comprehend what’s happening to me. I’ve searched and racked my brain to no end to find the answer to this question, but I haven’t found what it is. Everything seems to begin and end with you. Not that this is all new to me. For almost a decade now I’ve long accepted that every shot we take is a shot to the moon, but given all the present circumstances I’ve expected to at least be more receptive to a life without you. But no, every song reminds me of you. Every little thing haunts me of a memory you and I shared. It’s always you. Everything, be it the most random thing, everything leads back to you. Why?

Why?

I love you. You’re still the one I will love this way, and I know even if I get married three months from now, that you’re still the one I will always think of to share a happy life together. It’s the way it’s always gonna be, and even though I know this is when your love for me ends, it just is the way things are. I love you, and it will always be at its truest when it’s you I say it too, whether I like it or not. It just breaks my heart that this simple fact is the one reason why you will never want to be with me. It’s the one thing in this that I don’t want to accept, but I guess you’re contented to know that I love you this much, too contented to take that leap of faith for me.

[athenakassandra]

119

You spoke to me as if the last year the we were sorta together was a big fat mistake, like we were a disease that you wanted to get rid of the soonest. Well, you’re not wrong, but I guess there’s one thing we got right: that these letters get written when we’re in misery. At least I am, I don’t know about you. I’m sure you’re out there carrying on just fine. Good. Keep it up.

I honestly don’t want to be bitter anymore, as much as I don’t want to seem mad at you each and every time we talk. It’s just that I don’t feel so good anymore. You’re right to think that this isn’t healthy for us anymore. You’re correct to assume that perhaps we should just end this. I do agree with you, but never in my life would I think of leaving you. I don’t know if that’s such a good thing, because I believe that somehow at some point I have to give you up, but I just can’t. To think that you’re pretty much always driving me away, the feeling just hurts a little bit more than it should. Everything might sound like an excuse for you, but it’s the truth. It might seem emotional and not manly for you and your questionable standards, but this is me.

It’s so unfair for you to compare to your golden boy like that. Like for instance, he has you for himself every fucking day seven fucking days a week. I haven’t seen you since November, and it’s almost February. I just don’t see what’s there to feel emotional about. He can just reach over to his side and hug you and kiss you, while I have to declare a fucking holiday just to hold your hand. Is that fair? It’s all good, however, as these shit you hurl my way is fuel. Fuel to motivate myself to prove you wrong. Yeah, I’ll show you.

Don’t act like you care. You have your world and I have mine. I was just insane to think that those two can find a counterpoint in each other, but now it’s clear that not only were you willing to help me, but also you were never going to. It’s fine. As much as it hurt, I’ve come to learn that you’re okay to lose me, that it’s totally fine for you to break my heart. You just don’t want me in your life. We had a good run, though, and like the ones before it, I’ll never forget this for a long time.

Through it all, my love never wavers for you. That love is the reason why I’m always so mad. It’s the reason why it’s 4AM and instead of working I’m typing up this letter that I’m sure won’t sound as good as I want it to. There are so many things I think about us, mostly things not so good, but all I could think of tonight is I miss you though I know you’ll never be back. It’s just the way it is, and I know that if we see each other again in the future, we’ll be leading different lives. I certainly do not look forward to it, but tonight all I could think of is you. I love you. Goodbye.

The last dance is over. 

[athenakassandra]

118

Dearest K,

As I drive through almost empty roads way past midnight, I kept wondering if I’ll ever live the life I’ve always wanted. It’s Christmas day already, a time when everyone’s supposed to be happy even if there’s no reason to. It’s always been my favorite holiday, and yet here I am wishing I could be somewhere else, with someone else.

Merry Christmas. A phrase I used to tell the heavens. For the nine years that I have loved with you with all my heart, it’s always been that way. I could be at home or anywhere, but for some reason I take the time to look far beyond whatever horizon and whisper: Merry Christmas, Katrina, and without fail my tears will fall. Without any warning my heart will travel back to my most recent memory of you and stay there. I used to travel way way back, but this year amidst all the weirdness and chaos that fucked everything up, I get to travel shorter. For that I’m thankful. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for for sharing your son. Thank you for being my wife. Thank you for coming back to my life even if our time is short and there’s a good chance I’ll never come back again. I know I don’t say it a lot but I appreciate everything. I will always be grateful for you completing me again, for you making my heart full once more. Yes, you will always be my forever love.

Merry Christmas. To you and your family, the family I’ve always wanted to be my own, however complicated you think it is. To the kid, who has become my boy for the past year, the kid that has claimed a special place in my heart that’s second only to yours. I’ll always be thankful that even though I will never meet him, I can look back and tell myself that there was a time I was a part of the reason that he smiled. I will always love the kid, and even though I’ll never be a part of his life, I will think of him from time to time, wondering how he is and if he’s still making his mommy proud. I’ll always think of giving him the rewards we’re giving him now, because as much as it make you two happy, it also makes me happy.

Merry Christmas. I’m typing this and it’s almost 6am, and I wonder if anyone in this world will ever understand me and love me the way I think I should be. Not the most Christmas-y sentiment to have, I know, but through all of this, all I could think of is you. I love you. The smile on my face begins and ends with you. Everything I’m happy about, everything I look forward to in my life, the littlest details just bring me back to you. I love you baby, and I’m sorry if I’m such a fucking lame crybaby. It comes during the holidays.

It comes when I miss you, when I want to be with you.

All my love,

Aldrin

[athenakassandra]

117

To my dearest K,

“Doy!“

I was deep in my thoughts when I was sent back to reality by my mom calling me. If I’m being honest, I remembered a photo of you and Klyde’s dad together that I saw in the years I’ve been keeping tabs on you. I don’t know why of all the things to remember it was all I could muster, though it may be because I was watching Klyde last night and his innocent smile. The kid’s growing into a nice fine young man, and I couldn’t be more proud of how you almost single handedly raised him. I still wish things would have been a bit different for us, but I honestly think I couldn’t really complain about anything on this side of the coin. You guys are crushing it, and even though it’s all but concluded that I will never be part of you world, I will always applaud you and cheer for you and Klyde as you walk together in life, even if you can’t see me anymore.

I was, again, looking at you yesterday. You were in a good mood, and I was somewhere along those lines, or at least just got to be there. Traffic isn’t fun anywhere, any time, except maybe when you’re there sitting on the passenger seat. Seeing you just seems to make me forget how much my life sucks these days. Imagine what you do to me when you smile and look at me like you did almost nine years ago. The joy and peace that I feel when I’m with you is something even I can’t comprehend much that I try. It’s come to a point when I just stopped trying to, you know? I’m glad that even if all of this is temporary, we’re making a difference to the kid. I know this is something you’ve been doing all his life, but to me it’s something more than fulfilling. For the first time in my life I’m convinced that my efforts aren’t being wasted, and the concept of you loving him so much is suddenly not so foreign to me now. I’ve come to finally understand it.

I love you. Throughout everything that had happened between us, both the slightest of the good and colossal bad, I’ve always come back to those three words, and even after almost a decade, it’s always been the one simple truth. I love you. I love you so much. I want you, I need you. These are just some of the things I think of when I see your beautiful face, which is why I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that we’ll be gone with the wind in a few months. I still think every great story deserves a climactic conclusion, but I now realize that not all of those deserves a continuation. Maybe this is really the end of the line for us.

We’re good, right? Please tell me I’ve been good to you. Please tell me I was a good lover. Please tell me I’ve been a good friend. I’m asking because in the nights that I will be struggling in search of your touch, these are what I will be trying to console myself with. Please tell me, baby. I love you.

All yours,

A

[athenakassandra]

116

Fair warning: this is one if those letters whose tone won’t make you smile. I’m sorry, I’m panicking for no good reason.

I was looking at you today. We were having lunch, and though everything seemed nothing extraordinary, just seeing you have been somewhat a holiday for me, given how rare we see each other. It didn’t make sense that I found myself holding my breath with each passing glance I give you, like a surprise would be coming out of nowhere and make my heart leap with joy. And you know what? Every detail of you (including your forehead) did just that. Everything about you makes me happy for no apparent reason, and when you weren’t looking, I looked at you and thought to myself that this is the face that I will always long for, one that I will never get enough of. The love of my life.

As much as it made me happy, however, it also made me sad.

I had a good time today. Always know that even though we didn’t really have any real alone time, I was happy to be with you. Doing normal things with you brings a taste of reality to our ultimate fantasy. For the briefest instant, we’re a real couple, partnering together to meet life head-on, one small errand at a time. Having to go to the baby section of the mall felt like we’re newly-weds about to transition to parenthood, and I know it didn’t show, but I was taking everything in when we were there. It’s the reason why I can’t stop saying shit about our children. But like I said, everything made me sad. It just felt unfair that in a few months each and every beautiful thing that existed today won’t even sniff a hint of life. Everything’s gonna be gone, and for a moment the sense of loss and despair just won’t go away. It also made me realize how much our different our lives are. You have your own world, and today was nothing but a glitch in between yours and mine. I know I’m not supposed to think ahead, but from where I stand all I see is nothing but pitch black emptiness.

I love you, and I know you love me -- but in a different way. I will never be anyone more than a visitor in your life, a life that I’ve always wanted to intertwine to mine, a life where I’ve always waited for you to one day come back to and stay forever. See the difference? It’s becoming clear now, and the bitter taste of my failure in this part of my life threatens to become permanent. It’s not fair, it’s just not -- but which life is? All I know is I love you even when reason tells me I shouldn’t. I love you even when my own heart can’t understand why. You’ll always be the one I want and need, the one I will always care for no matter what.

And I guess it’s for those reasons that you don’t love me as much.

[athenakassandra]

115

My K,

Wow. Two full months not writing stuff. Two months. Let that sink in.

On the onset of this hiatus, I stopped writing because there was no reason to. I was having a field day telling you stuff, and I can say for sure that we enjoyed those days when we just acted as if we were together, as if we were a real couple, real partners. Heck, there was even a time I felt as if we were married and building a life together. We also did fight some and had our share of days where we felt as if we questioned if we’ll ever be on the same page, and I can bet that during those days you questioned if I really love you, because if I’m being honest that question had always been lingering in my mind when we do fight. Some, if not most couples would see this as a red flag, a tumor that if not taken care of, will someday destroy everything. Not to me though. I feel like when we fight, it’s because we want something out of each other, and we’re fighting because we love each other. We invest feelings and emotions. We fight because we do not agree but we do not want to lose each other. Given the amount of you I’ve been receiving all year, I’ll take that. I’ll take everything I could get.

Lately though, I’m starting to feel as if that’s not the case. Apathy, not hate, is the opposite of love. When you don’t care anymore is when you know you’ve successfully unloved someone, and the past few weeks I’ve felt as if you don’t care happens to us anymore. I’m aware of the situation and I’ve broken the rules more than once, but the fact remains that I just want more from you. I know I shouldn’t ask nor should I complain, but will there be a remedy for such an aching heart when it knows it deserves more? Words are cheap, and lately even your words have been waning, too. Should I be more worried? Honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore. I don’t know if I should be mad at you when you fucking disappear on me on days I need you by my side. Then again, I still need to be your soulmate, I still need to be your crutch, which is why even if I do feel like shit I still try to be the best version of myself when we do talk. I’m always somewhere in between of ‘hi baby how are you, i missed you’ and ‘where the fuck were you’. It’s not a good feeling, and it’s the exact reason why I just give up on writing here. I start articulating, but I always stop in the middle because I know I wouldn’t be able to say something good. Other times I feel like there’s nothing to write about because well, you’re nowhere to be found.

There was one time when we were in a middle of a fight and you told me you’re again struck with a notion that you have to choose between familiarity and whatever the fuck it is in your heart. I’ve held onto that, though I knew the odds were ridiculously against me. I guess your treatment of our situation is more than enough of an answer, would you think? Yeah, always a winner in everything but never when shit becomes real. The story of my life with you.

A

[athenakassandra]

114

I know I haven’t been writing here as much as I did before, but like what we talked about before, it’s a good sign. It’s a sign that we’re secure with each other, though I don’t know for how long that’s gonna be the case.

Yeah, today is my birthday. I thank the Lord for everything I have in my life, but what I will always be most thankful for is having you. Thank you baby, and like what I said last night, it’s your turn to be romantic, and what better way to kick it off than writing your own letter, for me.

I took the liberty of putting that here, so I can always go back and savor the pure bliss I felt when I first read it. I made some slight edits, though I made it a point to not change a word. Consider it having your work proofread. Welcome to the club.

Dear A,

    Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan, at hindi ko narin aayusin pa. Tagalog para mas ramdam.     First of all, gusto kong batiin ka ng Happy Birthday. Sana yung mga wish mo sa araw na ito, makuha mo. Totoo. Well, wala na akong ma-wish para sayo, kasi alam ko nasayo na lahat ng kailangan mo, pati mga gusto mo, mostly. Kaya nahihirapan din akong magisip ng ireregalo sayo that's within my capabilities. Pero sabi mo nga you dont need. Kaya naisip ko, ito nalang sulat ko that I barely do kasi feeling ko hindi ako in the mood, or sa past life ko na yung ganitong mga gawain. But I'll still try, for you. Sana lang maging special kahit papaano itong araw na ito dahil dito sa sulat ko, kasi palaging ikaw ang nagsusulat para sakin. Kaya ko lang kumanta, pero hindi ko na kayang magsulat.

    Doy, salamat sa lahat. Lahat, as in lahat. Since 2012. Sobrang saya. Sobrang pagmamahal. Sobrang alaga. Sobrang excitment. Sobrang wild. Sobrang okay ng lahat. Naalala ko lahat ng basketball games mo, sa SciWars, yung tipong bigay na bigay mga moves mo, drives mo, kasi alam mong nandun ako. I feel very proud. Dun lang ako naging fan ng basketball actually. At ako ang number 1 fan mo. With love. :) Naalala ko, kahit nasa bench ako, sideways, lagi kang tumitingin sakin, kaya pati mga tao nakatingin sakin. But I dont mind, ikaw lang ang nakikita ko ng mga panahon na iyon. Sobrang HS feels. hahaha.

    Sobrang kilig. Feeling ko sobrang ganda ko kasi lahat nakatingin sakin kapag lumalapit ka. All smiles, hanggang paguwi. You always made me feel na ako ang pinakamagandang babae sa lahat. Kahit sa office. Kahit alam mong mahihirapan tayo. You never left. You never let go of my hand and made sure that I can count on your presence. Na kahit anong dumating na pagsubok, basta magkasama tayo, matatag tayo. And I was so happy, with you, na kahit na ano man ang nangyari, good or bad or worst, nandyan ka parin to accept me and Klyde. And I very much adore that love that you have for us. Sobra. I couldn't think of any person na magmamahal sa akin na tulad ng pagmamahal na binigay at binibigay mo. I am so grateful. Kapag may mga napapanood akong love story, naiiyak ako, kasi yung love story that we have, yun yung tipo na napapanood mo lang sa TV that every romantic couple would pray to have. And again, I am so grateful. That I have experienced that with you.

    Soon, we will know our fate. Never will I lose my faith in you, in us. But whatever will it be, remember that I will always have you here in my heart, forever.

    Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan lahat ng oras na pinagsamahan natin. Sa bahay nyo, with Tita and Chu. With your friends sa bahay ng barkada mo. Sa tindahan ng barkada mo. Sa baba ng bahay nyo. Sa elementary school mo. Sa office natin dati. Sa pinag-swimmingan natin. Sa mga pinag-videookehan natin. Sa mga kinainan natin. Sa jeep. Sa tricycle. Kung saan palagi mong hawak ang kamay ko. Kung saan mo palagi pinaparamdam na ako lang ang mahal mo.Yung tayo ang palagi kong ipagdadasal na maging. Alam ko that you are giving your best to understand my situation. Mahirap. Pero thank you kasi pinipilit mong ibigay lahat ng pang-intindi mo. That is also the reason why gusto kong makuha mo ung peace and happiness sa buhay mo.

    With me, or without me, basta palagi mong piliin yung makakapagpasaya sayo at magbibigay sayo ng tahimik na buhay. Whichever, I will be fine. Ang mahalaga ikaw. Ikaw ang mahalaga sa akin. Hindi ko sure kung nasuklian ko lahat ng pagmamahal mo, pero tandaan mo.Ikaw ang pinakaminahal ko. Ikaw ang pinakaginusto kong makasama hanggang tumanda ako. Ikaw at ako.

    Mahal kita. Sobra.

    Enjoy your day tomorrow love. And the cake. Happiest Birthday, Love. I love you so much.

Always,

K

[athenakassandra]

113

To my dearest Lovey,

For years I’ve told myself that ours was the love at its finest form. It was the pinnacle of what I thought what love is and how it should be, evident of the endless longings I did all these years. I’ve pined for that kind of love and had sought to find it with other women, but alas, it’s all in vain. Which is why amidst all of the chaos around us I’m grateful that we’ve somehow been granted of borrowed time. No way in hell did I expect this to happen again as I believe lightning doesn’t strike the same spot twice, but it did.

What I didn’t know was that we could still be better. It’s in days like this that I’ve proved to myself that you STILL never fail to surprise me.

Yes, the kisses are still magical. The hugs are still electric, the conversation flawless, insightful, and easy. The smiles resonate joy and fulfilment and childlike wonder. Our eyes sparkle and conjure a spark that no one else would ever understand; it’s our little secret, yes, and try to imagine me when I realized we’ve leveled up.

I find it hard to believe to think that THAT love could still be better, but today I realized we could actually live together. Remember when I said I had a nirvana moment for a split second while you were telling me stories about Klyde while holding your hand? Because that was it, that’s everything to me, that’s what I think we would be doing if we ever get to be a real couple. You just telling me what’s on your mind and me holding on to you trying how to best respond to you. Of course we’ll have more than a handful of variations of what our car rides are gonna be, but that’s basically how I envision they’re gonna be. It’s simple and supposedly trivial, but for a split second our life together flashed to me and I can’t stop smiling. It’s at that moment that I knew we can dance on life’s biggest stage. It’s for real. We can actually do this.

And yes my love, you have a heart of gold. I say this because more than half of the things you do are things I don’t even think of in the almost-thirty years of my life. Don’t even let anything - including yourself - tell you otherwise. You have a big heart, and like I said, even though life had not been kind to you, you still find it within you to do things for others and never expect something in return. That, my love, is what sets you apart from others, that even though you’re not in the best of spots to give, you still do. That in itself is already exceptional, and that’s just one. I have so many great things that I can describe you with that “heart of gold” will pale in comparison with but to answer your question, you have a heart of steel with marshmallow on the inside. Hard, tough, bullet-proof, but still sweet and soft. I guess that’s one thing to describe you.

Good night baby. I hope you read this as you fight your way through that dysmenorrhea. I’m just here if you need me or you want something, let me know, okay? I love you too. I already miss your smile and your kiss and your hug and your scent. Pretty much everything about you. I sure hope we won’t have to wait almost two months to see each other again. I love you baby. Sweet dreams.

All my love,

A

[athenakassandra]

112

To my dearest K,

I missed you today.

I wasn’t in a bad place, it was actually kinda good. It’s a safe place, a quiet one, one that I’m willing to bet you’d like. I felt okay, secure, at times at peace. I didn’t have to fight for my place, I didn’t have to share the table with anyone, I don’t have to worry about what tomorrow brings. I don’t have to be forced to play second fiddle when I know I have every right to be on top. Still, I didn’t like it.

Only problem is, you’re not there. Yes, I felt good, but I didn’t feel great. You’re all I could think about. I’d like to think that as the time passed you were as anxious to talk to me as I was to you. I stole glances at my watch to think if you’re eating dinner or preparing to go to bed. See, I wasn’t home. It felt good but it didn’t feel right to me, and I knew right there and then there was someone else I’d rather talk to. I know how bad that makes me look, but it’s the truth. You’re just the person I want to be with and talk to non-stop. I just want to look at your face and assure you that it will only be you from now on. I know I can’t, at least for now, but you’re just... my home.

Well going home isn’t so different. As soon as I got the green light I messaged you in hopes that somehow you’re still awake, though I knew you weren’t. It’s okay. I just missed you so much is what the reason is, I guess. I just want to be with you right now, and it sucks that aside from the fact that we’re nowhere near that time where we see each other, we won’t even be able to in the next months. I don’t know what else to do, K, aside from missing you. You don’t have to do anything as I’m well aware of the circumstances and as hard as it is, I try to understand. I’m gonna be okay.

I’ll continue working on the vitamins today, and I hope I can deliver. It’s another workday, and I hope we both deliver. I love you, K, and sometimes I just don’t know what to tell you. I wish I can tell you more. I wish I was that free to let you see everything.

Talk to you in the morning.

Always,

A

[athenakassandra]

111

My Dearest Amore,

Well, thats certainly not the most fitting ending by any stretch, but hey, I still love you the same. And tonight, thats what we’ll be talking about: the whys whats and hows of my love for you.

Sorry if I havent been writing to you lately. We’ve been talking a lot more these past few days and like I told you this morning, writing less here means we’re actually doing better, so there’s that. I do feel, however, that there are words that are being unspoken or at least not articulated in our everyday chats, so I guess here would be the platform you’re gonna be getting those.

I love you.

You know that already, don’t you? But what does it really mean? It’s a question for both you and me, as I take in the stillness of the darkness defining an otherwise uneventful night. I’ve tried — and failed — to fully understand what I feel when I tell you those words, and sometimes I try to wonder how I can say it in a way that would fully carry the truth in it. My fear is that if I tell it to you in random moments, the familiarity would diminish what I truly mean by it. I guess I could start by telling you that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Or that youre pretty much the only person I dont want to lose. Or that.. I dont know. I love you. It brings tears to my eyes when I try to fully understand it, because I can’t. I’ve seen you in all your forms, and in each every one I found a reason to love you even more. I don’t know what it is or why, but in my heart your imperfections are what makes you perfect. You can tell me you dont look or feel good or someone else is better and all that shit, but you will always be number one for me. I know it doesnt count for much, but for what its worth, youre the best for me.

Im sorry if all of this is sudden. Its just that there are times where I get so consumed by a thought about you or us and I want to tell you but I dont want to ruin a nice conversation or a mood that we’re in. I was walking outside last night and I thought we’re doing so good these days I can’t believe it. We barely have fights or arguments and when we do we resolve it quickly. Or... it might mean that we’re not on a level we think we are, which is why we dont argue about things we think we should. I dont know.

This is far from the piece I had in mind last night. Maybe we can call a rain check on that one. Mind’s kinda blank with all the shit coming in and out my head. Its one of those nights, my love. But I know I love you, and I want to be with you, and I want to see your face next to mine as near as possible. I want you, and yeah, I also need you. You’re one of those things in my life that I both need and want, which arent a lot now that I think of it. I love you baby. Talk to you in the morning.

Always,

A

[athenakassandra]

110

My Dearest Baby K,

I usually write this before I sleep. For some reason writing you is like a signal that I should call it a night.

I was trying to find a work file just a while ago when I stumbled upon Klyde’s graduation video. Klyde’s just amazing, imagine winning all of those medals they hardly fit. Like what we talked about tonight I’m concerned about what the future holds for your son, and though I try not to think that far ahead, the realist in me makes me think how good the kid could possibly get. Conversely, I’m also thinking of the time he’s gonna give you headaches. Now, I’m sorry for thinking too far or introducing an unwelcome idea, but most probably that time will come. It’s not like it’s because Klyde is not a good boy, it’s just normal for a kid to make mistakes. I just pray he doesn’t make too many of them.

Moreover, your smile made me smile. I could tell you were both excited and nervous, evident by the way you approached the moment. You joke with people and let out a nervous laugh when you’re unsure or unprepared of whatever situation you’re getting, and looking at you here this was not an exception. You still look gorgeous here, however, and it should be set in stone that that’s something that will always remain unchanged. To quote Danny Mcabee, “that smile starts my day”, and yours does in every way possible. That’s a rare gift, my love, and though sometimes I want it all for myself, I know you can make a difference to the people around you by just being a bit more cheerful than usual. Be the good you. Keep lighting up the world baby, but not too bright, okay? I want your best to be mine. Teehee.

Everything’s gonna be fine. Like I said, whatever it is, even if it’s COVID, we’re gonna get through it because we’re gonna do it together. Don’t panic. You must remember that your family’s composure hinges more on you than anyone else, so you must do good. I do think you’re fine anyway, and I hope your medicine do their jobs and make you feel better by the time you’re reading this. I think you’re okay, though I understand that having data to back that statement up is more concrete. Let’s pray for good results.

I missed you a little extra today, no thanks to Just Go With It. Jen Aniston wasn’t feeling pretty at first, ala-Katrina, and she ended up being way way more beautiful by the time the movie ended. In many ways, she reminded me of you, a strong, smart, caring, very much lovable, too lovely, astonishingly gorgeous, and very very loving. Those doesn’t even begin to describe you, and I know I could go on and on, but we don’t have much time. What I know is I love you and I want to be with you and you’re pretty much the only person I feel that for. It sucks that we’re apart at this moment, but I hope and pray we get to have our time soon. Until then, please bear with me with these letters, because they’re the best I can do for now. I love you K. Hopefully we can talk today as much as we want.

Always,

A