athenasalem

[athenasalem]

WASHINGTON, D.C. At a White House press conference today, an unknown power turned the President of the United States to stone. The petrification occurred over the course of approximately 90 seconds, after which the briefing room was cleared and the White House’s perimeter made secure. The cause is currently unknown.

The president was speaking on the subject of international trade when he suddenly saw a fine, smooth layer of white stone rapidly growing over the back of his left hand. “Wait, what is this?” he asked, and then asked it again, the second time with the addition of an unprintable obscenity. He attempted to scrape it off, but the stone now covered his entire hand. Seconds afterward, his left arm was visibly stiff and heavy. As he screamed for help, aides and Secret Service agents rushed forward and attempted to remove him from the room. By that point, however, the stone had overtaken so much of his body that he was too heavy to be relocated. His final words before the stone covered his mouth were “I can’t feel my body.”

According to a source in the White House staff, doctors and a geologist summoned to the scene could not find any trace of the President’s organic body. The source said it was “stone all the way down” and that there was “no trace of any organs, blood, anything.” The geologist determined that the stone was a fine-grained calcitic marble of exceptional luster and translucency, similar to marbles used for ancient Greek and Roman statuary. “You could almost believe it was carved thousands of years ago,” said the source, “except he was cowering. You don’t see statues of cowering guys that much.”

Ordinarily, the chain of succession would mean that the Vice President would assume presidential duties. But it was reported shortly afterward that the Vice President had been changed into a Pacific banana slug (Ariolimax columbianus) and the Speaker of the House into seven yards of striped silk taffeta. Due to conflicting reports, it is unclear whether the taffeta is crimson with gold stripes or burgundy with cream stripes. The slug appears to be healthy and in good spirits “as far as that applies to slugs.”

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potluck at the devil's sacrament, what can i put you down for?

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Ruki The GazettE 2006 ‘Taion’ mv wardrobe

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gonna be a hater for a minute, reblog and put in the tags the last movie that you HATED like viscerally hated like 1/2 star on letterboxd HATED

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Paul Revere’s midnight ride becomes a bus to a bus to the Blue Line (bc the Red Line is down for repairs). And then the train stops running because it’s 12:30, and he’s just stuck at Bowdoin.

If I had access to a time machine I would introduce the Boston founding fathers to the T I wouldn't introduce myself or what I would just plop them on the green line

horrible plan. i support it

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This guy has the best stuff

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i'm not a lesbian as far as i know and i already have a wife but thanks tumblr

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Solid life advice from Sue the T. Rex.

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Me, sometimes, out of nowhere, at no specific time and for no specific reason.

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bitches have complicated feelings about me due to my inconsistent swag

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I was so ready to buy one of these bc I liked the feral cute vibes, and then they turned into the ridiculous overcommodified thing they are now. It kinda bums me out.

Say what you want about labubu and the horrible consumerist culture around it- I’m talking about the actual design of the dolls. I understood her so much more when I found out that she’s supposed to be just a little girl.

As someone who used to be Just A Little Girl, I don’t think I’ve seen a more accurate representation of what being Just A Little Girl is like. Idk how to explain it. It just captures the feeling of being a chaotic little beast that mixes shampoo to make potions and drawing all over yourself with mamas makeup and making worm hotels so well.

I feel almost a kinship with this terrible little elf girl. I’m so sorry labubu. You deserve better than being the face of scalpers and TikTok consumerist culture. They don’t understand you like how you should be.

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I had great results washing my cybertruck with lemon juice and saltwater to preserve the finish!

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distressing things to say to your friends