athousandroadstonowhere

[athousandroadstonowhere]

2020: A Delightful Sh*t Show!

The annual review.  The coming of a new year is a good time to look back on everything that happened in the previous year, evaluate what was learned, what was lost, what was gained, and what, if anything, needs to change moving into the next. Here we go.

The year began hopeful. Ignorance is bliss as they always say, and being the person that I am who refuses to actually watch any news and literally learns everything that is happening in the world from the internet and my social circles, I only had an inkling that anything like what was going to happen in this year could happen.  The novel Coronavirus doing damage in China seemed a distant threat, and nothing that would actually impact my life.  Boy was I wrong.  

I was in the process of getting fed up with another management job, and trying to focus on how to find some stability in my schedule so I could spend more time with my then boyfriend and his daughter.  Little did I know that we would soon have a TON of time to spend together.

I had just begun the journey really of waking up from the traumatic fog of the loss of my husband just a couple of years before that.  I went back to work for IHOP at the end of February on the condition that I would still be able to take the family vacation that we had had planned for a year.  There was talk about how Covid might effect our business, but I was hell bound and determined to go on that trip and take Jade to see the Grand Canyon. 

Australia had burned, Kobe had died, and it already seemed like all the really bad shit had been bad enough and things just couldn’t get worse.

Then we had to cut the trip short and head back to Memphis because the world was shutting down.  Having been on vacation while everyone else was panic buying toilet paper (I will never understand that phenomenon), when we made it home to an overwhelmingly wiped out Sam’s Club, as I got laid off on my way to the check out, I broke down crying in the middle of Sam’s Club. I was scared for my family.  I was scared for my career.  And I was scared generally of what the world had to offer.

Thus began Quarantine and Paranoia.  We all stayed home. Some lessons were learned in that relationship that would ultimately kill it, and though financially we were able to remain secure thanks to the additional unemployment, it is my belief that that time together on lock down ultimately showed me the areas of incompatibility that would lead to me deciding that I needed to live life on life’s terms independently. I also learned in Quarantine that even with the world locked down, I couldn’t sit still for extended periods of time.  I started a small baking business that brought in some decent money, but that didn’t fully replace my income from pre-Covid times.  So as the world began opening back up, I got a job serving.  The funny thing about that for me is that it was really just looping back to what the original plan was when I was moving back to TN. And y’all, the money was GOOD this summer.  People tired of being pent up for months were willing to come out and wait an hour and half for a table in dining rooms limited to 50%. The work was harder than it had been in previous years, and more stressful (you never knew which unmasked diner might be the one give you the Rona on top of the already annoying stress of handling a full section and a party of 15 all at the same time), but it paid well.

Finally feeling financially secure enough to take care of myself without government dependence, and having done a lot of work on my credit score over the previous year, I applied for an apartment and got it! Though the ending of that relationship was sad, I was very proud of Luis and I for recognizing and learning that love is not enough to keep a relationship healthy, and that the best example we could set for his daughter was to end it on good terms and continue to help each other through that transition. He and I were better as friends.  And I will always be grateful for the time we shared.

The journey of living alone has been interesting.  Anyone who has ever been a server knows that the income can be incredibly inconsistent.  As a result of that reality, I picked up extra gigs here and there eventually extra whole ass jobs.  The most recent addition I’m thinking is going to be long term.  I was willing to show up when an opportunity was presented, and ran with it.  So far it’s going really well.

So we get to the lessons learned or reaffirmed in 2020.

This year I lost some friends.  Not through death, but through me realizing that I cannot be the only person in any relationship investing more time and effort than the other party.  I will probably always work at least 50 hours a week, if for no other reason than that’s what I tend to do.  With the limited hours left over in a week for time for family, friends, and hobbies, I have become very careful about how I allot those leftover hours.  If someone isn’t investing their time or attention with me, I’m not going to be the one reaching out all of the time anymore.

It is both ok to ask for help when I need it, and to dig my heels in and do the work myself when I know I am capable.

I literally can learn to do just about anything.  It may take some time, it may take stretching the bounds of my understanding and accepting help from people much younger yet more experienced in some things than I am, but it is possible.

Time alone is sacred.  Though I have spent much time lamenting going to parties, and hanging out with friends, and seeing family all together in one big group, I have learned how to keep myself busy all alone with me and my dog and cat. And there are more times than not that I’d rather just be alone. 

Willingness is the key to success in every endeavor.  

Science can be just as beautiful a spiritual path as any other.  

Faith is a constant journey only made stronger through experience and being wiling review previous events.

Love is powerful yet not always practical.

Oxytocin is a helluva naturally occurring drug.

And when all else fails, just keep going.

As I enter a new year with so many things lined up to make it wonderful, I choose to look forward with hope. Though I doubt our government will ever get its shit together, (the failure of the two party system hasn’t been a new lesson for me, but I feel like a lot of y’all are finally starting to see it, that’s a long conversation for another day), we are at least collectively more aware of the ways in which it is fucked up. Though two weeks to slow the spread has turned into the longest, weirdest year ever, I have learned who is capable of basic human courtesy, and who is willing to throw caution and good sense to the wind. 

Basically 2020 taught me more about the importance of evaluating who I allow into my circle, and why they should or shouldn’t be there.  I have learned that being of service isn’t always a direct action, but sometimes can be ultimate inaction. Life is only full of bullshit if I allow it to be so.  

We’ll see what fresh hell 2021 has to offer.  And hopefully, the lessons learned in the previous year have placed me in a position to use my time more wisely, to be able to love more authentically, and to take care of myself in healthy ways that allow me to experience peaceful time without chaos with ease.

[athousandroadstonowhere]

What is Love?

Baby don’t hurt me... don’t hurt me.... Ok, enough early 90s disco lyrics. (We can argue about that later, but that song is DEFINITELY disco.) But seriously, as I’ve been searching on my own and watching the world around me with new eyes and openness, I’ve been brought to ponder that question. While the song brings to mind and was primarily discussing romantic relationships, love is so much more than that.  I have written before about love in action.  And I’ve spent many an hour pondering what those actions look like.  Lately, I’ve started to see love is also some times inaction.  Love is both action and inaction, and neither all at the same time.  So, with neither action nor inaction being suitable to define such a complex, yet beautifully simple aspect of the human experience, what is a good way to define it?

Throughout history, love has been defined multiple ways.  Love in itself is an ontological idea sought to be defined by man for as long as man could communicate. Ancient philosophers described love as a god, and even attempted to make that god-like characteristic relate to living breathing humans in a way to which the common man could relate. Alas, love still existed, and was still not understood.

Next came the Bible.  Whether or not you choose to believe in Christianity, the Bible is a great historical text that can tell us a lot about the ideas of men in that era. Believed to have been written by Paul, an Apostle of Jesus Christ, 1 Corinthians defines love by saying, “4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.”

Although Paul, or whoever actually wrote that, had some good ideas about love, it still for some reason does not fully define what love is. 

So recently, I’ve also thought about some of the other ideas I’ve encountered over the years and how they could pertain to this particular discussion.  One of my favorites is a concept fathered by the great humanistic psychologist, Carl Rogers. The  core idea behind unconditional positive regard is total acceptance and grace. What does that mean?  This means fully allowing someone the space to be 100% authentic with no fear of judgment or not being accepted.  Unconditional positive regard gives the recipient the freedom to be who they are in totality with complete acceptance. It means taking all of the wonderful things, and the not so wonderful things, and saying, “You know what, that’s all part of who you are, and all of that, every little bit of it, is absolutely ok with me.” 

And what happens in this environment of unconditional positive regard?  It has been proven again and again that in this environment, humans are able to find within themselves exactly what they need to become the best versions of themselves. Inside each and every human is everything, let me say that again, inside each and every human is EVERYTHING they need to be fully alive, and deeply wonderful. Within each person lies everything they need for peace, stability, happiness, and joyful contribution to the glorious experience that is living life as a person in this realm. This capacity lies within everyone, even those people who seem completely lost and beyond aid. It is there.  

There is a great Zen teaching that says that if you love a flower, you will water it and help it to grow rather than picking it and putting it in a vase.  Great love, in my opinion, is that which allows those around us, romantically, platonically, familially, and any other way in which humans can be connected with each other, to reach their full potential of humanity.  

And what is necessary to allow others to reach their full potential by accessing that which is inherently a part of being human?  Unconditional positive regard.  

To sum it all up, Love is both action and inaction, but above all, love is a state of being, ultimately wrapped up in unconditional positive regard, that provides the necessary inherent environment for creation, which is the ultimate experience of that which is God.  So, in reality, everyone throughout history has been kind of right, but we’ll probably never understand the whole picture.

#philosophy #counseling #love #humannature #unconditionalpositiveregard #growth #humanity

[athousandroadstonowhere]

Entering New Orleans

New Orleans.  Nestled between banks of Lake Pontchartrain and the mouth of the Mighty Mississippi, with the rural bayou just a few miles away, lies a city with over 300 years of history.  The drive there alone is breathtaking.  Even in the winter, crossing the bridges through the wetlands of Manchac is a journey to what feels like another world.  Houses float above the water on stilts as vines and trees swoop down to kiss the marshes.  The barrenness of winter reveals the branches as the veins that hold the lives of the wildlife. While wandering down 55, I couldn’t help but wonder what it will look like in the spring.  I’m going to have to make the journey back there soon, just so I can cross that bridge when everything is green.  

Pulling into the city is a bit different.  I was expecting something larger.  Having never actually been there, and only seen New Orleans from TV news reports and various articles, I somehow expected it to be the sprawling expanse that is the other large cities I have visited.  I was surprised by how actually small it seemed compared to other places I’ve visited.  Just a few exits off of some winding ramps, and I had made it to the Garden District.  When I was on my way there, I wondered why it was called that.  As I pulled onto St. Charles to find the side street to my friend’s home, I learned.  Because it is so close to the ocean, even in the winter when the bayou trees are barren, the trees in the Garden District were very much still green.  And the vines.  There seem to be vines everywhere.  Climbing cemetery walls, overtaking trees, and neatly trimmed so as not to overtake the roadways or the tracks of the streetcar, the vines seemed in love with everything they embrace. I was impressed by the architecture.  I was also surprised.  Many of the homes seemed really really old.  And the designs were so eclectic.  Next door to an ornate french colonial home you will find a house with obvious Spanish arches, followed by a home with almost German-style awnings and brick.  It’s like all of the great builders in the world got together and decided to make their mark in the same neighborhood. Having watched Hurricane Katrina make her mark on the city on television, I half expected only new buildings.  Seeing these massive homes and businesses that have survived wars, hurricanes, and all sorts of misadventures and misfortune that go along with being a Port City in the Southern United States, these homes spoke to my soul of resilience, of the ability to stand firm in a place and be rebuilt and repaired no matter what life throws at them.  

I parked on the street where my friend lives, and wandered up to St. Charles. 

Another fun thing I saw while wandering on foot was a cemetery.  I don’t remember why, but you can’t bury people underground in New Orleans.  Because of this, the cemeteries are filled with miniature mausoleums to house the dead. The Garden district is home to Lafayette Cemetery 1. Though the cemetery was actually closed, just walking around the crumbling walls along the sidewalks that have been known to bite, and peeking in through the gates, it feels as if you’re walking amongst history.  I could hear stories of lives being told as wind blew through the vines on the walls.  

To be continued......

[athousandroadstonowhere]

Welcome To Nowhere

Over my years on social media, and throughout my education and career, I’ve had many a kind hearted friend note that I should write.  Apparently I’m good at putting words into sentences in a way that grabs peoples’ attention and ignites imagination and passion.  I’ve also been looking for a creative outlet for a while. Work , and life in general, have become super meaningless for me lately, and I need a way to leave an impact on the world that might have a chance of surviving me. Also, I recently discovered that you can self-publish books. How awesome is that?!?  I’m also aware that if I ever really want to write an actual book, I have to get back into the habit of writing things, and regularly.  So here we are.  On the road to NoWhere. I have no idea what all I will write, and a vague idea for a book about grief, meditation, and finding meaning in circumstances that seem meaningless.  

A little over two years ago I lost my husband, my soulmate, the person that gave my life meaning and purpose, to an accidental heroin overdose. As a result of that singular incident, not only did my life change massively, but so did my outlook on life, my basis for spirituality, and my overall personality.  I’ve finally started to attend some therapy for that.  And I’m hoping that somewhere in this journey, I can reconnect with the woman I was before that loss. 

The Road to Nowhere.