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atlmaryj-blog1 · 6 years ago

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Short Story - Your God Is the Devil. By Atlmaryj

The anger that was coming from His voice, was beyond comprehension, Michelle knew that His wrath was destructive, but to stand in His presence and be the object of it, brought a level of fear she had never experienced. Her fear had her body shaking uncontrollably, should she scream as loudly as He, or would that be putting her in more danger. What was she to do? Who was she to seek help from? Michelle instinctively began to pray. She sought saving and for the anguish to come to an end. And then it happened, it was the silence she had longed for, her prayer worked! She could now catch her breath, dry her tears and regain her composure. She now had the courage to look up at His face and she begins to think, "If He does it again, I will pray as I did before". He says, "You can do what you like, but I stopped to show you that I hear all of them". Realizing what she did, she falls to her knees. She has just prayed to the Man that she is seeking to be saved from; God.

Is this the God she had dedicated her entire life to or was it a dream? This had to be a dream, because there is no way that this was reality. She was on her knees crying harder than when her child was killed, and feeling the same amount of unease that she felt when she was assaulted years ago. How could one compare the worst moments in their life, to the moment of being in the presence of the True and Living God?

She decides to stand up and face Him, listen to Him and hear His words to her. After all she was the one that initiated the conversation, having expressed her disdain for some of the people she saw in Heaven. What did she expect His reaction to be; she was essentially questioning his judgment. “I have insulted Him” she thought, and this punishment is deserving. With her face now clear of tears, and her breathing beginning to slow down, she hangs her head out of respect but mostly out of shame.

“Do you desire to reject the gift, that I have presented you?”, God says. “Father, I know that I must accept all of your gifts and I would never even desire to deny, however I am not understanding why these people that have gone against your laws and hurt my family are allowed to walk amongst the righteous”, she says with her voice quivering. “My child, I have Mercy on the souls that seek to change their ways and work to prove they are worthy. You have taken many missteps in your life and I was merciful to you each and every time. So what makes them any different?” “Is he serious?”, she thought, “Yes, I am my child, all that I do and say is genuine”, says God. Michelle’s courage begins to increase and she is not aware of it until after she speaks. “What do you mean, what makes them any different?” in a tone that would be expected from a rebellious teenager to their parent. “I have dedicated my entire life to you, worshiped you, tithed as I was told, thought good thoughts, never questioned you or your decisions, prayed and fasted regularly, spread your word and because of that I was rewarded with paradise.”

She continues on her tirade, “However, this man raped me in my home, with my children in the next room. These other men, killed my son after robbing him of $50 and a watch, which was just one of many crimes they had committed throughout their lives. So, what makes me different from them? A lot my dear God. A lot.” Michelle now realizes that she has just furthermore disrespected the Lord, but surprisingly she felt justified. After saying it out loud, her approach felt legitimized and her fear began to dissipate. Whatever happens after this point, so it is and she will accept it wholeheartedly.

God was quiet, and Michelle had no idea why, did He now understand her position? The silence was awkward but she relished in it, especially after all of the yelling and anger she experienced earlier. She begins to look around, afraid to look back at Him. She was taking in the beauty of the crisp white clouds and the piercing blue sky. A minute or so passed, but it seemed like an eternity, and then He began to speak. “My darling child, I was there when your son was killed and I was there when you were violated, so I know and felt your pain. But they are my children no less, and if they are willing to change for Me, then I must honor my word and allow them the paradise that is promised to all of those that work to be a good child of Mine.”.

Michelle’s feelings were hurt beyond belief, because she had lived her life with the thoughts that the devil was present during those times of strife and that God could not have been there to allow such pain. But she now hears that He was there, He felt their pain, He gave permission to these acts of violence. Why? How could He? “You allowed these men to rape me? You allowed my son to be shot? You allowed me to lose my child over bullshit and now you are making me live with the monsters that perpetrated these crimes? You broke me in order to accomplish what exactly? Did you do it to make me stronger? And what was I becoming stronger for? Nothing else occurred in my life after those events that called on me needing that much strength? What about my other kids, you made them witness my violation for what purpose? So, one could become a drug addict and the other could have anger issues, which lands them both in jail often?” she says sarcastically.

She knows that she has gone to the point of no return and her being dead means He surely cannot take her life. So, she waits for His words, His lesson, His story, all without fearing the method in which He will decide to deliver it. God remains calm and says “Those men made the choice to commit those crimes, as everyone is given free will. At what point will people realize, that individuals are responsible for their own thoughts?” Without missing a beat Michelle responded“You give many instructions, affirmations and advice, yet you cannot deter those that want to hurt others, with thoughts to do otherwise? If nothing happens but without your permission, how am I to believe that you did not allow these moments too occur? Maybe my life’s dedication to you, was not the way to go. I did all the right things, or tried to at least! And to come here, be ecstatic that the dedication paid off, only to see that a person’s last minute dedication is recognized just as much as a person’s lifetime servitude, angers me, disturbs me, and disappoints me. To have to live with men and women responsible for crimes, that I would not even be able to think about in my normal life shows me that this is not a Heaven. It is just a place for the dead to go, and the misrepresentation that is given in the Church is sad. I love and respect you, though it may not seem like it, but this is not the place for me. I humbly decline this as being my eternal home, I would rather fall endlessly for eternity than to be in this so-called paradise. So, I ask if there is there another place for me to go? Of course I do not desire Hell but if that is where you decide to send me, I am your child and I will obey.” Michelle then lets out a sigh of great pain.

She was now mentally tired, was this the God she worshiped or is what she was taught in Church wrong? Did she misread or just not understand the Bible? Or is it even the real word of God? How could the God she loves with all of her being, calm her spirit and ease her mind? How was He going to make her understand His way? She now felt lost and betrayed, Michelle could never have imagined that she could feel this way about her Lord. Her thoughts were all over the place when God said “You have always felt this way about Me. Your devotion was not real, your “love” was used to cover up your true feelings. You feared that if your true feelings towards me, were truly known, it would make you an outcast amongst your friends and family.” He continues “And yes, I do know the road that each of you will take, but I do not condone acts by way of non-deterrence. It is man’s decision and my allowance comes from giving free will to each and every one of you. See, you all believe that when one dies by the hand of another, that I was the one to call them home but in reality it was man that rushed you to your end or through you not caring for the body that I have provided to you.

Michelle believed that did not explain why amongst these righteous people, there lived those that may have brought them there in the first place. How does one make peace with knowing that at any moment the man or woman that killed them, may at some point be standing next to them in Heaven? This doesn’t seem to be getting addressed, and she is quickly running out of patience. “God”she says, “I am ready to leave Sir. I hear all that you have said and a part of me understands but there are many questions and not enough answers for me. Based on this experience, I believe that I do not know you at all, and maybe that is best. So once again, I ask that I be placed elsewhere without prejudice. I know this may be a difficult task, considering my approach and the anger I have demonstrated. So, I will wait for your answer Lord.” Once again she hangs her head, and thinks about how much courage it took to do what she has just done. But she was not backing down and unwilling to hear anymore. She waits patiently for a response “You will remain here. You are in the appropriate place, for the life that you have lead. In fact there is no other place for me to send you, as…” and in mid-sentence Michelle interrupts him and says loudly “This is why Heaven is overrun with degenerates! If these bastards are here, then who lives in Hell?” He replied, “You do.”

Completely confused, she finally looks up, to seek clarification, only to see black space. She then heard a woman’s voice say, “Hello Michelle”, looking around she sees no one in sight, and Michelle says “Who is that?” The strange voice replied “I am who you refer to as The Devil. I have heard every word you spoke and I am honestly impressed. It takes a considerable amount of hatred to speak to God as you did. But I am the God you have been serving your whole life, so in reality you were speaking to me.” Confused, Michelle screamed “You are a liar! I have NEVER served you a day in my life. You know that this is a lie, this is why you will not show yourself as God did.” Just then, she saw an image come into view and to her surprise and dismay, it was her own face. “What is going on? What is this? Is this a joke?” she said. “No,this is far from a joke. I am the devil you have served. As you can see, I look like you, because I am you. You have convinced yourself to believe that your dedication was to the God above, yet your heart did not reflect what your mouth professed. And over time, you believed your own lies. Your church going, was for show. Your tithes were to keep people from talking about you. Your charity was to receive blessings in return. Your prayer at times was authentic, but mostly for relief. The only people you were an example to, were your children and they were unaware of your true self. You desired drunkenness, you desired men without marriage, you desired immoral ways to gain money. And you know His scripture Michelle, something about thinking it and so you are. Or did you skip over that part? So you served me, or should I say you served yourself very well, because I am you and you are me. Michelle, we are one.” Michelle was now sick to her stomach, because she had never thought that she would ever be face to face with the devil, a devil that looked like her own self. “But I was in Heave, I saw it! If I was meant to be in Hell, why was I ever allowed in Heave? Michelle said. “Well, God is so merciful, he allows all that die to experience Heaven before sending them to me. He wants you to see those you missed and get the opportunity see the paradise that you were told about. I came in when you asked to speak with Him; I just maintained the surroundings for my own pleasure. Now this dark space is your home, you will walk aimlessly for eternity, as you did on earth. No honest destination, no light, the same life of darkness that you decided to live on earth, however this will be a literal interpretation.”

Michelle is more confused than she was upon the initial conversation. She asks “Why are we taught that you are some grotesque animal, horns, tails and whatnot?” Seeming aggravated by Michelle’s inability to grasp what is going on, The Devil huffs and says, “This was to make you believe that you are not really responsible for your own deeds. As you can see Michelle, I am not a physical being, I am inside of you. This is why I look like you. All the wrong that you do, is your own doing, it has nothing to do with a dragon in the depth of the earth. I am you and you are me, we are one, so when you blame the “devil” in reality you are blaming yourself.”

Michelle is done, she has nothing left to give and is scared to ask any other questions. She puts her arms to the sky to once again fall to her knees, the Devil kneels down to whisper in her ear “No one here is a victim; you are all guilty by your own choice. So, I must tell you that the tears and the cries mean nothing to me. Remember, I am you and I know that part of you that you are unwilling to acknowledge. The Hell that you feared to go to, already lived in your soul Michelle. You lit that fire long ago and it has been smoldering ever since. So as you walk in this darkness, your soul will finally physically burn. You will burn from the inside out. You deserve it Michelle.” The Devil stands up and begins to walk away and as she steps out of sight, Michelle screams “God Help Me, please. I am so sorry. Please forgive me!” The Devil responds “God lived in you, as I did, but you killed Him a long time ago. You are praying to me, remember? I love you Michelle, my obedient child.”

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