atomicwombatland-blog

[atomicwombatland-blog]

We are always going through periods of thinking we know everything to then being stripped bare to realize how little we know. Although the process has been going on since birth, some are so small and some are so buried deep in our brains that we don’t quite remember them. But there is always one period that marks the beginning of our awakening.

Unconscious to conscious

For the beginning part of our lives, we act in a certain way that we look back on and many times cringe at things that we said or did. This self had yet to be exposed to the revelations that were to come, and was basically purely a self built up by the forces around you, a product of your environment. At some point during adolescence, there is a major wake up period that exposes you to many realities. My wake up happened beginning in eleventh grade.

I was always a very social kid, and would try to be a part of as many friend groups as possible. I felt the need to talk to everyone, and have everyone like me. As soon as I was able to determine which groups of people had more social capital, I used this as my superficial guide of who I wanted to befriend (which would later set me up for complete failure). I tried to do things that were cool like sneak out of my house, try drugs and alcohol, hang with cool people etc. etc. I was guided by a pure external sense of reality, with no regard for my actual feelings about any of this.

It all worked for a while, but I neglected my true self for too long, and eventually it bit me from behind.

When rebuilding yourself it is important to acknowledge every step and part of yourself, or else you have once again built on superficial ground, which always ends up collapsing.

Insecurity

In eleventh grade, after finishing a series of unhealthy relationships (how could I have possibly expected them to be healthy if I was a superficial twat?), getting my braces off and getting my license (which were important because they were both events that I had been looking forward to, incorrectly thinking that they would have an impact on my overall happiness), I began realize how disconnected I was from myself: I had no consistent hobbies or free time activities that truly interested me, I had neglected friends that I truly cared for over perceived social status, I was drinking and doing drugs fairly often for recreation and when I was alone, and most of all I was sad and lost.

This period led to major changes in my life. I began to spend more time with a consistent group of friends that meant the most to me and who were my true friends. I began to see a therapist for my anxiety and depression. I spent more time focused on school and what I was interested in.

Everything happened very fast, but also very slow. There are no answers hanging in front of you and everything is pretty much figure out as you go. Similar to the elimination diet, you slowly take away foods that are hurting your system, and slowly add foods that help your system. This process isn’t perfect, and you will frequently make a mistake that sets you back a few days, but you ultimately have to make a decision to not repeat that mistake and keep moving forward.

RIDING THE FAKE WAVE – finding security

Over time my life was slowly improving, and I started to make decisions that resonated with who I was as a person. I am integrous, and I care for people, and I care about my health and others health, and I care about making good decisions for the sake of making good decisions. Although, as meek mills says, there are levels to this shit. Although I was realizing a basic level of my authenticity, there are still layers that need to be peeled back.

This layer involved me making moral and trustworthy decisions, which was important for me. To not even do something once that I wouldn’t be proud to show someone else. To show outwardly that I care for my future.

I did a great job with this and this has become a huge part of my personality (woo! Small wins!)

Inadvertently, through this process I also developed a lot of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of myself and what I am capable of without monitoring. Fear of my own feelings and those periods of sadness and loneliness that can be debilitating. And when you’re scared of these things it makes sense to try to reduce the fear by chasing after security, and that’s exactly what I did. For the last year in high school since I accepted a spot at UF, up until my junior year, I knew I was going to major in finance, and I became obsessed with doing the best that I could. I became obsessed with the idea of making tons of money, using money as my cure that validates and feelings of fear, and to generally make me feel good about myself.

I was hyper focused on this idea of making a lot of money, and so I spent all my time working towards (but also stressing and worrying) about this path. I took the GMAT exam and scored great which made me look good. I had a high GPA, got into the masters program I had been working towards. I tried to make myself feel good about these things, even though my social life was unfulfilling and I wasn’t exploring at all. In fact, the finance career was the one thing that I was holding onto that had some resemblance of security in my life, and this wasn’t part of the present it was part of the future. I felt like I wasn’t making any friends, I wanst happy with what I was doing or studying and was hitting a period of heavy depression, I felt super insecure with myself as a person and my personality, and I once again spent little time doing anything that I actually enjoyed ,When I finally made the decision that the one thing in my life that I was succeeding at wasn’t something that I even wanted, I was broken. The mask had fallen.

THE DROP

When this finally dropped, I could see my real self hiding in the shadow. The real me was scared and totally neglected, and had been for a long, long time.

I had insecurities that had been building up for years because I never ventured to actually explore myself, whatever that looked like. I was too scared to reveal certain parts of myself and so I continually tried to bury them deep. And my self esteem was totally and utterly shot.

I had fallen and broken, and had no idea what I looked like. In my scramble, I needed a change of scenery, something to distract myself from sinking too deep while all this was happening. And so of course I went to Europe.

I had so much backlogged shit that I needed to take care of in my mind, so much that I needed to let go of, and so much that I needed to accept of my current situation, that it took me a long while. This was not one of those “wake up one morning with a realization and everything changed after that” kind of situation. It was something that took years.

Things that I had to work on: accepting parts of my sexuality, accepting my interests outside of business and finance and what that could mean for my journey going forward, accept that I had strong bouts of anxiety and depression still even though I thought they wore off, let go of any clinging to comparing myself to others, and most of all accept my personality and my opinions and overall myself. Accept my low self esteem and decide to work on it instead of just watching it.

In this period, I still tried hard to hold on to what I knew. I still did an internship in finance because it made me feel good about myself and helped recover some of my self esteem. I still majored in economics because it was the easy route for me and allowed me to graduate with ease. And these all helped as I weaved myself back together. Yes it worried me and gave me an axiety that I wasn’t making a cohesive “story”, but fuck everyone else, it was working for me.

But I did make some major leaps. I traveled and made friends across the world and always pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I came to terms with my sexuality. I did a job after college that was totally in line with an authentic interest of mine. I passed up jobs after college that were safer in order to show myself the commitment I have towards my own authenticity and power. I worked hard to mend relationships with my brother and my parents. I still keep in touch with a close web of friends that I have made across borders. I actively work to explore my interest in different fields and see where I can be.

I am currently finding ways that I can be the most authentic to my self. And I need to be able to do this.

Hopefully I can keep moving forward and realize whatever is the next step on the journey of personal growth, and understand whatever wave that I am coming to now.

LESSONS

1.    You need to let what go of expectations and preconceived notions of the future and let what needs to happen, happen. A radical acceptance of what is going on around you. If I cling to this idea of what I think I want, I will close off any other opportunities that want to come my way.

2.    The fall with anything is necessary, and ultimately will happen whether you want it to or not. If there is anything inside of you that is being repressed or pushed down, consciously or unconsciously, it will eventually come to the surface. The longer that you resist, the harder you will fall.

3.    You and only you can make the solid ground upon which you need to stand. This solid ground consists of your self worth and esteem, understanding your self and your opinions and interests, and generally spending quality time with yourself. With every single little thing you are feeling. Constantly letting them flow through you, and not clinging to or resisting any feelings.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

I definitely have some anxiety right now. So many things that I want to be, do, and achieve, and a big part of me forgets the present moment -- the place where the real work is to be done. Something I want to do is make a sheet that has my every day goals. Or, rather than goals, it is mostly something that will push me out of my comfort zone. Which is in fact a goal. But its much bigger than that too. On the note of just focusing on one thing at a time, I think I know what I want/need to focus on: pushing my mental limits. I am TOTALLY trapping myself and I still have a lot of unnecessary and irrational fears. I would love to break through these. This is my true growth I believe. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Authenticity and friendship

Something that really strikes a deep chord with me is the inability to be my truest and most authentic self in all situations. More specifically, how this results in me not being able to make a connection with those that I truly want to make a connection with. It seems that the more harmless I view someone (less similar to me, less overall compatible with my personality, low ability to see my vulnerabilities and hurt me) the more I am able to open up and be myself around them. And vice versa. 

Who do I truly want to make a connection with?

What can I do to get to this place that I want? How can I become more open -- with others and myself?

What is stopping me? What am I scared of?

I want to build deep connections with many people. I want to fully inhabit myself, so that I may truly connect with others. 

I must meditate daily to center myself in this feeling. Because it definitely is a feeling that I am after. I am ambitious and I need to harness this energy. I can no longer let these feelings of aloneness block me from doing what I am truly meant to do with my time.

I see myself in a community of people, helping. Spending my time just helping others. Through helping, I know that I will truly learn a lot about myself.

And through other things. I must use others mediums that allow me to express myself in order to fully come into myself. One of these mediums is definitely dancing. Another is helping others, through conversation and through physical service. 

What do I imagine myself looking like -- suited up with the above qualities. I am strong, confident, and with great posture. I have a friendly grin on my face. I am also very silly and funny. I look at people in the eye when they speak and I show people that I care. I am also a very hard worker, and feel great while I am doing work, because I am letting the best part of me come through by working towards what I love.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Goal!

Go to Warren Buffet’s annual shareholder meeting!

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Focus determining feeling

Focus will determine feeling. Changing your focus can and will change the way that you feel. The reversal of this is to know that we need to feel what we need to feel, and not to get in the way of this process. 

Yet the sentiment remains, we can determine how we feel at all times. Just this morning, we were talking about how today can be one of the days that changes our lives. What a fantastic thought, and it energizes me so! That is something that I want to think about all day. Mostly because of the way it makes me feel; it makes me feel similar to having faith in something. 

On a slightly more micro note, certain events happen throughout the day that trigger me to change my state. This is especially so with my girlfriend, I am always triggered to feel a certain way with her. When prompted by inner awareness to change my state, I don't necessarily want to... My brain wants to attach myself to it. “She did something wrong, therefor I deserve to feel this way” or “What she did is indicative of a deeper pattern in our relationship that is making me suffer, therefor I need to think about this more deeply, and changing my state would change my thoughts and make me lose this potentially valuable train of thought”. Yet, with further consideration, these reasonings are not sufficient enough to justify the attachment. 

If my thoughts are determining my feeling, than I can change my thoughts, and voila I’m feeling better. If someone triggers a feeling in me I must recognize and acknowledge the feeling, but then not let it feed into the cycle of that feeling determining more negative thoughts which will determine more negative feelings and so on and so on. Recognize feelings, feel, let go. When we are in our true and authentic state, that is when we should take our thoughts seriously, because they have a way better representation of us. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

What do I want?

A default setting of authenticity, stillness and confidence. This inner place is connected to myself emotionally and spiritually, and is in touch with what I am feeling deep inside. I go to this default setting at all times, my natural way of thinking is now a way of thinking where I focus internally, and connect with my authentic self. I sometimes have bouts of being anxious and that is ok, I acknowledge it and let it pass, and return to my blissful state. I focus only on things/places/activities/habits/people that enhance this state, and fill it with more connectedness. 

What will happen if I don't change?

If I don't change my habits that distract me from my inner authenticity, then I will always continue to feel disconnected from myself. This disconnection is painful and confusing. It is anxiety inducing as well, and is out of all things most likely to lead me into a state of depression. Currently, its costing me so much time! Right now for example, I spend so much of my day thinking about my habits, polyphasic sleeping, “Should I have coffee (and previously other stimulants and alcohol) or not”, “Should I masturbate?”, “what should I do now or late”,”should I clean my room?”. The time consumption happens because I know I don’t want to be doing any of these things, but I spend time reasoning whether or not I should do it. These things largely distract me from spending my day in the way that I want to spend it, ironically enough. My brain fights to think about these, arguing it will make me better or more productive, but its just lies. It ALWAYS makes me less productive, more disconnected, and with less time. I don't want to have to even THINK about whether I should drink a coffee, or whether I should masturbate, or what time I need to go to bed, I just want at least the things that are in my control in my day to flow smoothly. It’s like I purposely sabotage myself by using all my willpower on these questions so that I don’t have to think about the larger questions that truly affect my life. 

If I changed, how would this make me feel about myself? What momentum would this create for me in my life?

If I changed, I would feel way more centered and authentic in my life. When I feel centered and authentic it is like I am on top of the world. hopefully that is the place that I can be, and this is a HUGE step. It has always been huge for me to take action on things that lower my anxiety. No substances, working out, meditating, and cleaning my external space have ALWAYS been a big deal for me, and by doing these things I am opening myself up for things that actually matter to me. I can spend more time doing things that actually have meaning in my life and not just debating, thinking, and acting in the same ways that I have been acting for years and years and years. Having this down pat would allow me to be more consistent in my focus for what I want. Going to my yoga and meditation classes weekly. Spending extra time learning what I want to at work. Sending more emails to mentors that I want to be in contact with. And lastly spending more time with friends and family and being my best self around them. This is what I look like in my natural form, or rather, these are the least qualifications of what I look like in my natural form. The VERY LEAST. These are the minimum qualifications of a James Ziv. I could be myself and act myself and feel freer just by doing what I need and want to do. 

I AM A ROOM CLEANER. I AM A MEDITATOR. I AM A PUBLIC SPEAKER. I AM A WRITER. I AM AN ATHLETE AND TRAINER. I AM AN AVID READER. I AM ORGANIZED. I AM CALM. I AM CONFIDENT.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Apprentice Phase: Deep Observation

Greene discusses the first stage of Apprenticeship as one of Deep Observation. He aptly uses the example of Charles Darwin to describe this phase (as well as the phases that follow). 

Charles immediately went on a five year voyage aboard the SS Beagle in the years proceeding University at Cambridge, and explored the Galapagos islands among others. Although with a small crew, Charles faced the task of documenting all living specimen on the island largely on his own. Or rather, Charles faced the daunting task of having virtually no instruction, and simply being told to use his discretion on collecting the most “important” samples of what was likely an absurdly large quantity of new and unexplored data in its rawest form.

in order to tackle such a complex system, the only thing (I imagine) Charles could do was simply observe what was around him. Of course, as Greene points out, he could have easily spent his time overwhelmed or used self-study as a way to occupy his mental capabilities, yet he dove right into the observation phase. Five years later, Darwin emerged a new man -- physically and mentally -- with an immensely vast and impeccably detailed (my imagination) knowledge base of the specimen that occupied the islands.

Greene uses this example as an extreme way of painting the picture of life as an outsider. In every apprenticeship, everyone at some point will begin as an outsider with little to no knowledge of the field. In order to have any chance of succeeding, this person must spend time observing the field -- the power dynamics, the can and can't-do’s, the flow of communication, the winners and losers, the existing best practices. Greene advises not to pass judgements or moral sentiments while in observation mode, and certainly not insist upon change; it is more important to understand and submerge yourself in the landscape rather than pretend to know that which you are not yet a part of.

With all this being said, deep observation seems to be the key ingredient of a successful apprenticeship. Or rather, deep observation seems to be the key ingredient to adaption and assimilation. Darwin also notably used his observations as a way to fit in with the indigenous Gauchos, whom I imagine were extremely foreign to an Englishman. He would study them as one would study a particular field, outlined above, and try to understand everything about how they operate. By understand, he could easily assimilate. In this fashion, one could use the same method to develop emotional intelligence -- it is simply a deep observation about how people may feel given a particular context. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Linking thoughts about career

I just found a linking thread between so many of my interests. The linking theme is essentially the processes that go into change. Identifying a problem, and understanding the processes that are needed for change, and how to implement them.

1.    Behavioral psych: Identifying troubling behaviors in an individual that are affecting life, determine specific processes that go into developing new behaviors.

2.    Behavioral economics: Identify behaviors in a system that are counterintuitive or misplaced, determine processes to change

3.    Family counseling: Identify troubling behaviors and how they are affecting family, determine new behaviors and the process of healing wounds from old behaviors, and work towards new ones.

4.    Industrial/Organizational Psych: Identify needs within a company, met and unmet, and determine how to meet needs and continue meeting needs, based on behavior and feedback and empirical information

5.    Life coach/ relationship coach: Identify problems, behaviors and needs. Determine processes that would get an individual to change these behaviors.

6.    Business development / startup: Identify problem not met in market. Identify hole in business strategy. Determine processes that could benefit bottom line.

7.    Others: Marketing, Real Estate Investing, Starting any business, coding

All problems that exist in the world have specific processes that solve each particular problem. To say that I am interested in that process sounds very vague.

What I am interested in, and always have been, is human behavior. How changes affect human behavior and how small changes in human behavior can make radical changes. Understanding humans at such a basic level allows for an incredible amount of transferable knowledge, in my opinion.

I am interested in how everyday we are carrying out actions that limit ourselves across the board on a psychological, interpersonal, corporate, national, and spiritual level. 

The questions start to look more like: Why are we doing what we are doing? Once that is determined, and we have a destination in mind: What is leading us there and what is dragging us away?

I’ve always been one for a complete revamp: “Delete everything on my hard drive, start fresh!”, “Buy a new journal, because the old one is getting too disorganized!”, “Find new friends, these ones are getting stale!”, “Find a new girlfriend, this one is boring!”, etc. I’ve always fetishized “new”, because it signals beginnings, freshness, a chance to build from scratch on revamped habits, and revamped processes. 

Almost better than starting fresh, is truly getting down to the nitty gritty and being able to determine what is wrong with what I am currently doing?

Coincidently enough, life does not have a rest button, so I must improve, and am forced to continually improve or suffer. So, you break down everything to their simplest components and bam. You determine what you need and what you don't. All of this makes my brain feel tremendously happy. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Tim Urban has a great post on procrastination. My takeaways were 1) all people procrastinate, some just have it under control; 2) deadlined procrastination is far different from indefinite procrastination; 3) to stop procrastination, one must enter the Dark Forest rather than the Dark Playground.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

What is it that I am (slightly) better than others at? After listening to Cal Newports talk, I understand that perhaps that is the illusion of passion: feeling inclined to do something because you are slightly better than others at it. It makes sense that passion would develop over an extended period of time -- similar to the passion that you may feel for a loved one. Yet, of course, there exists different types of passion, ranging from first date to marriage to familial bond. Similarly, we may be interested in things without having a passion for them, but the passion builds after spending extended amounts of time surrounded by it. It makes even MORE sense when you realize that perhaps you are better at something because it feels good and you enjoy doing it, and how perhaps you enjoying doing it BECAUSE you are better at it, and on and on. Doesn't matter whether the chicken or the egg came first. These interests aren't necessarily passions (which is why the words are not interchangeable) yet they can become passions. In the same vein, I believe any interest could become a passion even if you are not great at it. You can still engage in the cycle regardless of how good you are compared to others. 

For me, I feel that I have developed “advantages” (interests?) in the areas of business development and sales, piano, writing (especially business/philosophical aka intensely structured), chess, philosophical reading, planning, counseling in love and relationships and life, developing theories on psychological issues, real estate, reframing drama and emotional issues, identifying areas for profit, cooking......But in many ways these advantages simply exist because I think they exist, even though that it unlikely the truth.

The reality is, I could choose any one of these areas, or multiple, and devote an appropriate amount of time to it. My life would naturally start to lean in towards this activity, developing ways that I could allow this activity to flow easier into my life. Over years and years of developing these skills, I would become great at what I do, and have more opportunity. Similar to the output of podcasts over time, although certain spaces may seem crowded, most spaces see a disproportionate amount of podcast production over time, leaving only few true knowledgable and consistent producers in the end. The trick is to stay long enough. Of course, I am sure there is some variation in each field. 

Some comments on this: over time you can leverage your skill to narrow in even further on the exact lifestyle that you want to live. Also, given that many things can truly be a passion, it is okay to look intellectually at some areas and industries and see and look at how much you are truly capable of growing in said field, and how much said field truly needs your and how the importance of it may or may not grow in and with you. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Re-centered, Revived, and time for Research

Just like in a meditation, the practice of returning to center is just as important as the amount of time you stay centered. I will view this blog post through the lens of the merits of my return, rather than the amount of time it took. Woohoo for me being back! And woohoo for positive lenses!

It has been two years since my last post on this blog, during which I finished a study-abroad, interned at a private equity firm, graduated college, started a drone photography business in Miami, attended a 30-day free coding program in Fremont, and have since worked in wilderness therapy outside of Boise. 

Wow, congrats stud! (Me boosting my confidence, woo!).

As with the original intent of this blog, I will deep-dive into certain topics of interest (primarily related to psychology and philosophy, but not limited to finance/ behavioral economics/ technology/ real estate.... ok basically anything), so that I may better organize and understand them myself. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

My passion, talent, and purpose

I could argue that I don’t have any passions or talents but that would be fruitless and, I hope, wrong. Assuming that it is only a lack of confidence in this matter that is blinding my judgement, my passions and talents can be found by looking at where my time is spent the most, right? Although I might convince myself that I’m not passionate about things, I clearly am if I spend so much time obsessing over them. If I were to think of something that I occasionally obsess over it is self development/ self improvement. This (hobby?) has been in my life for a while now, inspired by spurts of depression and life simply not going “as planned”, it is what I used to give me a boost. It also is a huge source of motivation and inspiration for me; there exist time tested ways of living your life in a smarter, better, easier fashion and they are all available at your fingertips. Anyway, as weird of a “passion” as this may seem, I spend a lot of time reading and thinking about lifestyle and personality improvements. Since I have had so much trouble in this department, and still do, I am passionate about the thought of helping others get past their difficulties and break through their boundaries. I would love for this to tie in to my purpose and talent as well. 

The issue is, I spend ALOT of time thinking about all of these things but they are seldom shown through tangible action. Not that I dont create actionable steps for myself, but the steps are in personal struggles and obstacles and have not necessarily been applied to specific career goals or starting a business. However, I can look at this time spent thinking as my prep work, and boy have I prepped alot. Now it’s time for me to start working. Writing this blog is a great first step!

What else do I think I am or could be passionate about? What drives me? What is my why? What is my purpose?

This is a difficult question.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Reading and Integrated Blog Platform

I have a couple of thoughts that I want to get written down.

Firstly, I just read an article about speed reading and this brings up several points that I want to work through. I looked up this article because I want to be able to speed read, and I want this so I can digest information quicker (however, apparently the scientific studies show that this isn’t necessarily possible, at least in the conventional “minimizing subvocalization” approach). So yes, it would be nice to be able to read a book a day. But I guess the main issue is actually about comprehension. Months after I finish a book, however long it took me to read, I want to be able to still recall the main points of that book. I want the information to really seep down into my brain. One of the ways to help with this is to write about it as Im going to do below. I want to have a systematic approach in which I read the book (in shorter amounts of time as I progress), review what I’ve learned through writing and notes and synthesizing, and have an organized way to recall the information that I found important. I like what I just read about taking your time to read a book because the comprehension happens as you go, and new thoughts and ideas will continuously develop in your head. I want to be able to track these thoughts as well. Good source for reading tips:  http://pne.people.si.umich.edu/PDF/howtoread.pdf

Learning to read and reading to learn is so powerful. I’m excited to see the exponential effect that this can have. 

Secondly: Writing about my thoughts and summaries on books. I am going to document my readings somehow. I think an effective approach will be to do this through a website or blog (potentially even on here) and write a couple paragraphs on what I believed the book was about, interesting points and passages that stood out to me and why, and perhaps how it applies to my life or can be applied to life. As I do this, I’m sure I will also see my mind noticing the interesting topics that are blog worthy as I read, once I get into the habit of blogging it. That virtuous cycle will be one of the most rewarding benefits and will help with comprehension. 

Secondly: idea about consolidating online blog information. Ok so here is a biggie! There is so much goddamn stuff on the internet oh my geez. Much of content nowadays is simply consolidating and synthesizing this information for others. As Gary Vaynerchuk said in a video I was listening to, the information is being repackaged and that is key content. There are so many people out there in the world that I want to “follow”, keep up with them and their posts and their everything but it’s simply too much. And I realize this idea is no 10x-er but it is an improvement and I will write about it for idea creation sake. Lets explore: Current social media platforms allow you to connect and follow people and their actions and their posts. Yet when I search for help or assistance online or I’m looking for content, I search by category not by person. I simply follow a specific person once they prove that they are experts in a certain category. As in, when I want a boost of motivation or inspiring stories I will search for Tony Robbins because he is a proven self help expert and I know, through various mediums (youtube, blogs, websites, books etc). However, what I am really looking for still remains the same: self help, inspiration, motivation. Tony Robbins is simply a proven medium. Same thing with a billion other topics. Now the problem is that there is so much content online, like soooo so so so much. Just because I like tony robbins for self help doesn’t necessarily mean I like him for money management help. So what happens is that before you know it you have all these different locations/mediums that you go to for different areas and needs in your life. But this can be made simpler I believe. Im thinking the facebook of deeper content. Of course, we still use multiple social media platforms for different needs, but on average its no more than 2-3 (I would say). With deeper content, it is much harder to follow the different platforms and know where to get your info form. Im not even thinking news really, I’m more thinking just general information and opinions on different topics. 

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Here I am. In the middle of the Netherlands, with NO obligation, NO restrictions, AND LIMITLESS TIME. AND..... I HAVE MONEY.

OK... I do have to go to class, and I only have 3 months, and the money that I have is loaned to me... but that is all besides the point.

THIS is place I wanted to be in my life. I can do anything. I could do anything before too but there was a mental barrier. What was the mental barrier? Well, there were so many things that I thought I was “supposed” to be doing - joining a fraternity, taking the GMAT, getting accepted into the MSF, exercising, having sex. NOW, these pre-concieved notions of what I am supposed to be doing have carried over into the Netherlands, which goes to show that if you practice something long enough, it sticks. But I have caught these notions in action, and I CAN and WILL stop them. THERE IS NOTHING I NEED TO BE DOING FOR THE SAKE OF OTHER PEOPLE. THE QUESTION IS, WHAT DO I WANT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY?

I want to learn skills. I want to gain skills in something that I’m good at so I can attack the world with more confidence.

Yes I want work life balance and no I am not just trying to focus on getting a job out of college. It is truly what I want. I have a deep anxiety that needs to be quenched and being and feeling useful not only quenches it but will serve me exponentially for individual projects, opportunities, careers etc. AND MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH. I NEED A DIRECTION, THIS WILL HELP.

For the longest time I just want to put my head down and hustle, get to work. Yet, when I try doing this, I feel like a loner. And feeling like a loner is a bad path. But the beautiful thing about a study abroad is that everyone is essentially alone. It’s like the real world, we are thrown out there on our own. And everyone is together at the same time. I can put my head down to work 80% of the time and still have a great time with friends. Anyways, in 3 months we are all leaving this place.

What skills do I want to learn?

My thought process is that programming and Computer Science will be most beneficial. With that knowledge I can: build my own code, website, app, business etc; get hired in that subject; and, at the very least, have a background in computer science which is needed in business going forward.

I want to start a business. My own source of income. My own source of motivation. All in tangible form.

I have no distractions. NO distractions. I can turn my phone off. Turn my internet off if I can work offline. I don’t even have to socialize when I don’t want to. (You still need to be a good friend to those you care about though.)

I can go to the library and CRANK out work. I can just choose a project, medium, goal, and it will come to fruition.

Keep in mind what you really want though. What you are trying to achieve. Keep in mind the scenario in which you earn great wealth - what do you do with the money? If you aren’t a happy person, you wont be happy with money either.

I want to use these new skills to help people through speaking, motivation, teaching.

I want to be apart of a group, a mastermind, that is coming up with innovative solutions to change the world for the better.

I want to engage my mind and body to their fullest potential.

I have learned that the best way to learn a skill is when using the skill as a medium. You want to learn coding? Commit yourself to making a website for someone and you will HAVE to learn coding to get the website up.

What do I NOT want to happen:

I don’t want 3 months to go by, and I look back at this post with shameful regret, in that my inspiration was never realized, and that my stagnant self took over.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

I have a music for ears

When I am caffeinated, I can feel music playing inside my body. I know I know, the first thing you’re thinking of is for me to lay off the coffee because that clearly isn’t normal. My body just wants to dance though, and caffeine gives me an outlet to do so (think: alcohol).

While this music is playing, it meshes and merges with and between songs. Artists fluidly flow together. I can’t even keep track of whether or not the song has changed because they literally go together seamlessly. So, my new mission: drink coffee and become a DJ.

[atomicwombatland-blog]

Opening thoughts

For a while now I have been wanting to start a blog. But why is that? I have my own personal journal in which I write down any thoughts I feel necessary. I have multiple, actually, depending on the content that I feel like writing down. This just feels like a logical next step, so let’s consider this just another one of those journals. Content type: combination of opinions and supplemental research, goal in mind: to dig deep into my brain and unravel my interests. Don’t give up.