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ffffuck. so. went to a wedding and apparently i was a huge hit. a hs friend/acquaintance asked my friend if i was single (very respectfully). my friend like. knows my past and i told her the concept of dating really scares me, and makes me very nervous. i actually even told ANOTHER friend that i was nervous to go on the date then turn him down, or to make it a not-date.

day of i was freaking out and didn’t want to go and didnt want to be rude and cancel. the guy is seriously a sweetie pie but im so scared. i cry just thinking about romance or dating…. and we were out for literally 5 hours. had a great time chatting. made a fool of myself i bet. and still turned him down.

now i still feel bad. i should’ve left sooner. shouldnt have been so playful even though that’s my personality. my mom said i led him on. didnt put out. my friend said i should never feel pressured for ANYTHING.

but im still so worried. i hate the idea of romance but i want a loving relationship so badly. while being fucking terrified of it. thinking about it for too long makes me cry, it’s terrible. but somehow whats worse is feeling like i seem like a bitch, or stuck up, or fake or mean. when in reality i feel like if someone likes me they expect things of me. things they’ll use me for. and if i can’t offer those things i feel like they’ll hurt me. i feel it so strongly even now.

i dont want fear to rule my life but im still scared. two years should be enough, right? i feel like my whole life wont be enough. i’ll be the mean stuck up bitch my whole life.

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sad because i’ll probably have these dreams forever. if im lucky maybe i’ll get close to forgetting his face.

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wowww the most draining dreams ever.

dream diary below ⬇️ with the preface that i often have dreams of encountering my assaulter and telling him to his face that i know he’s a rapist. and also the dreams where i tell people what he did to me. this was like a combination of those.

it was so weird. this will be so rambly. and i get self conscious about dreaming this stuff but i can’t necessarily control my dreams.

so it started with some well-intentioned relative of his inviting me to a birthday party? apparently not knowing anything of the past. and??? for SOME reason i went? and because dream logic - of course- this was all down the street from my house. there were so many people i knew there. even my COUSIN was there. i think i hid and destroyed his room and gifts idk. at one point i did see him. i said “**** told me what you did. ******was right, you are going to hell”(something he’d once told me about.) it ended in some big dinner in the backyard with a little stage for people to say nice things. people went up and cried saying things that i knew were total lies. they were talking about a monster not a gentleman. right as things were ending, i ran up there and yelled into the mic what he was. then i closed my eyes and ran until i was past everybody and could get home. it was my “brave moment” that i wish i could equivalate in real life, but i’d been terrified and could only think about how many people Wouldn’t believe me.

AND THEN THE DREAM FUCKING CONTINUED. THIS TIME WITH A WEDDING. a wedding that he had MY fucking family cater. i proceeded to be a general menace at this wedding. messing things up for them as much as i could. there was so much to it. it was a horribly long dream. but once again right as things started to clean up i started yelling at the top of my lungs with more confidence.

“sorry did you NOT want everyone to know that youre a RPIST?? that you ASSAULTED ME?? that you RPED your ex girlfriend, sorry, the girl you cheated with??? sorry- i meant YOUR WIFE?” people were stopped and staring. he walked up to me fast, trying to scare me. i cant remember a thing he said. but as he tried to intimidate me i told him quietly “what’ren you gonna do, huh? yell at me? threaten me? hit me? i don’t give a fuck. try.” but my dreaming brain was realistic enough to have security at the venue who tried to make me leave. i said id be getting my family’s boxes before i left thankyouverymuch. as i was grabbing them an older security lady tried to get me to leave the venue, if i had anyone to take me. i stood there with my hands full and said “does it look like i have anybody?!” and told her i would leave when i was done. someone else came over to tell me how brave i was. hidden in a corner i broke down crying. i said that i’d been so scared. that i had no one to talk to, no one to listen to me. i had to say it, i had to.

not even sure how those dreams ended. if anything came of it. if anyone believed me. even in my dream i realized my case was still closed, that wasn’t going to change. i even dreamt about typing this all up.

i’ve had dreams of confronting him, yelling at him, putting him on blast in front of strangers or social media. ive never had a dream so long like this. where i was so locked in. i’ve been doing better, no dreams in a long time, but i know i’ll always have them. i’ll always want to say it.

so yeah. dream diary over. sorry if you had to read it

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I can’t wait until I see your face,

and my brain thinks that it’s looking at a stranger

I can’t wait until I see your face,

and my brain feels nothing.

It happened. I really think i’m free.

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theyre playing his fav singer now wth

awesome im vending at a fancy restaurant he always said we’d come to before everything happened and they’re playing the song he’d play me when i thought things were okay.

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awesome im vending at a fancy restaurant he always said we’d come to before everything happened and they’re playing the song he’d play me when i thought things were okay.

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actual real tw on this one. im going through it and just need to vent it all and this is my space for that

i dont think about all of it too much lately. i hope it means i’m better and not that i’m just doing worse with other things. but tell me why, after assaulting me, after telling me he wasn’t in love any more but didn’t want to break up, while actively cheating on me, my fucking demon of an ex still constantly asked if he could take videos during s*x. constantly. no matter how many times i said i didnt want to. i would say i didnt like the idea at all unless he was sure he loved me and he’d just say “okay” and move on. i felt like sleeping with him was the only way to keep him around to fix things. it became the only affection he showed me. he wouldnt even look at me afterwards, just lay there with his eyes closed.

I have to remind myself that im not crazy. that it wasn’t just bpd. i had such a horrible breakdown from it all. i cried every date before it was even all over. he was actively abusing me in every way but verbally and physically, gaslighting me, telling me things would change because i had become so dependent that i would believe it. i was in real hell

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still alive! this semester was rough. got through the two year traumaversarry though so thats a happy milestone i think. my mental health has been in shambles but only academic wise, and the trauma hasn’t been to bad.

the only thing is that my mother would very much like it if i started dating, to the extent of giving out my number, which led to like. an anxiety breakdown. i really want to be happy in a way that involves love but for trauma and trans reasons i don’t think i’ll find that. its okay though.

so yeah life update.. for some reason haha

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i hate being scared. i hate being convinced that every one wants to hurt me. i hate being afraid of every man. i hate feeling certain that i’ll never be vulnerable or happy or loving again. i hate feeling like being alone will always be better than risking it again. i hate myself but i will never hate anything more than the fucking rapist who decided he wanted to hurt me.

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i finally wrote it all down. dreaming and thinking constantly about how i’ll lay it all out someday and now that i wrote it i can’t imagine it anywhere but my notes app. scared im losing my nerve.

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i used to feel okay about myself. i think i used to be a person. a lot of times now i just feel like a big scar.

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this shit hurts

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every night for the past ~4 nights ive had the weirdest dreams. he’ll be in my dreams for part of the night but i dont wake up troubled or disturbed really.

the first night he kept coming to my family’s store and i yelled and yelled and yelled and threatened him. im actually glad i have that in me in my dreams. I know i’d freeze up a bit in real life.

one night i dreamt i told everyone what he did… over a video game chat. i woke up for a but and thought “i could do it… i should do it!!” then went back to sleep

and last night, i think it’s a bit funny, i dreamt i was at church and suddenly a wedding began, and he was standing at the altar. they asked for objections and i went “ewww RPIST!” (idk man) and all of the church and wedding guests, and it made him faint. i felt kind of proud in a way.

idk. i think its because of the time of the year. im glad i dont ruminate about the relationship and assaults every day anymore. i feel like my body and mind will never truly let go though. i wish i could just say it

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when in doubt: at least i’m not still dating, or at all living with, or engaged to, or married to, or in any way stuck with a rapist. i dont have to talk to one or spend time and money on one anymore. im really free

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today makes 2 years since getting out of that relationship!! at the time i was emotionally destroyed, but now i see it was a blessing to be freed from what i was going through and the trap of being with him

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ok i just found out he still lives in my town 😔 its genuinely a miracle i didnt run into him christmas shopping. we have 1 mall and i think he still works there :/ doesn’t mean i have to go back to being afraid though. i havent seen him in a year and a half and pretty much the same for his wack ass gf. im still safe shopping, going to work, etc. theyve stayed away from my jobs. im hoping that the criminal case keeps them away from me/messing with me if they do see me. this practically changes nothing. i’m okay

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thinking i may need a tag for dream stuff because theres so much of it

but return to normalacy somewhat last night. i was in front of some sort of crowd doing a show, and the assaulter came out to try to? get my attention?? and did something that made the crowd cheer. and then me being me i literally started yelling “don’t cheer for him! he’s a rapist! he’s a rapist!!” and then they all turned on him and started yelling. i was so pleased that other people knew. just something dumb