attrny-a - Tumblr blog

[attrny-a]

Hey, u.

“Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. But it’s those hours that make us what we are.”

— Karen Marie Moning

[attrny-a]

18 March 2023

Here I am again, creating my own drama by looking into his past all over for the nth time. I have to admit, sometimes I find that I make sense whenever I do that because I just wanna know. I mean, it's not like I want to know everything about him. But I want to know more about him than what I know now. I know I want to always discover him, the good and the bad. I want to know all of them, face them at this early stage in our relationship. I want to know what I'm getting myself into, what's before now, and more. While on few times, I know it's not necessary. But I guess I can't stand not knowing something that matters to me.

-A

[attrny-a]

15 January 2023

I don't know if it's the season or the weather or the fact that school starts tomorrow pa, but I feel content. Obviously, I don't have everything that I want and need right now, but I'm hopeful to have even just a bit of them little by little.

I can say that I am happy that despite me being on a probation for failing two subjects last semester, both are really pain in the ass, trust me, having 10 units this semester eases me and makes me acknowledge the idea that my journey to becoming a full-fledged lawyer might take a little while than I hoped it would be. I am happy because I am not blaming myself for the things I failed at. I know I have something to do with my misfortunes, of course, but having to accept the fact that I am not as intelligent, driven and passionate as my classmates, it comforts me because I am my own intelligent, driven and passionate self. I also have their qualities, I also have what it takes to be an attorney but I'd like to believe that I have my own time for that. And fulfilling such dream of my family entails sacrifices that I am not not willing to give. I want to make sure that while I am doing this for them, I am also doing this for myself.

I deserve it.

Thank you for everything you have given me and you have taken away from me, 2022. You showed me how my family could be so happy and supportive of me; who my real friends and support system are; what first real job I would be employed as (PEO II, now DMO III); where my happy place would be; when the time would be right for me to finally have the love of my life; and why I deserve everything that has been happening to me.

2023, you have some pretty big shoes to fill in.

[attrny-a]

20 april 2022

Do you ever worry and feel sad about nothing in particular?

I'm not gonna lie. I feel a little bit lost now that I got some of the results during midterms already, my job applications seem to be playing with me, I kind of feel not too close to C anymore now that he has a job again, my family situation in SA still suffocates me, and I long to travel and go places and wander around without my parents making me feel like I don't deserve it or don't trust me enough to make my own decisions.

Law school's been pretty tough from its very core. I feel like I'm just trying to get through every day, every meeting and try to move on from bad recitations, failed marks, sorry impressions from my professors and classmates. But I'll get through this. I will become a lawyer when the right time comes. I trust His plan for me on this journey, in every endeavor, actually, huge or small.

I really thought I won't be considered for the position of Administrative Aide IV in the DILG R5. Last month, I applied for LGOO II because the panel of interviewers told me that I'm more qualified to that position. Apparently, yesterday, I was told that I'm one of the applicants for the Administrative Aide IV position who's up for final interview with the Regional Director, Atty. Anthony Nuyda. It went well, at least, I think. He also told me that I should've applied and took the test for technical position, such as that of LGOO II. And to my surprise, the 90 applicants for said position that I applied for last month were already having their interview yesterday. Game over? We'll see.

I miss my lover, man. My baby. My moonpie. I love that he has a job again and that he enjoys it. I just worry that he's not sleeping in the right time of the day. Also, we don't talk or see each other as often as before, or even just little. I feel like I'm missing almost everything that he's been up to and I worry that all the things we wanted to say to each other will soon be long gone and forgotten. I don't want that. But I guess, this is just something I have to get used to. Or should we just talk about it?

My family. Oh, my. Can't get rid of them, I would not want to even if I can. But sometimes, it's just too much to handle, too much to deal with. Why do certain people have to be close-minded, have to be prideful, have to contain so much hate and be unforgiveable to their very own?

All these that's been happening to me lately, and ever since I remember to try to hold myself from enjoying my life, all these make me want to pack up my bags and run away. It's too lonely out here, too harsh, too suffocating.

I want to live longer and be present at every moment. But the lonely days seem to be longer than glory days, if there's any of the latter. Will this change? I'm hopeful.

Man, this is not the life after college graduation that I hoped for myself. Yet, I'm alive and surrounded with good people so I'm still grateful despite everything that's going on in my head and in front of my sight. I'm grateful I'm here. Are you?

[attrny-a]

this photo of me, during my birthday this year, reminded me of myself way back when i also celebrated my birthday. i think i was 2 years old, i forgot. there was a photo of me blowing my cake and another with me just merely looking at the candle light and sort of being amazed by the fire.

but that was years ago. i could not fathom anymore the idea of childhood. it feels foreign to me. i could not grasp anymore the fun experiences i had back then. it almost feels unfamiliar to me now with my skin, with my body, with my soul. i still remember the last time i had my best birthday but i can't relate to that memory anymore. maybe this is all part of it. part of the life i am yet to live. maybe at this moment, i have to feel numb to all those, what seemed like, the best moments of my life. and it suits the situation because i don't have the energy to enjoy myself, to enjoy my life; with or without the people i love and care about.

i don't want to lose it. the joy, the excitement, the optimism, the grace of growing old. but i, sometimes, can't help but feel bored about how my life is going. it feels like a vicious cycle just going back again to a rot where i clearly don't enjoy after giving myself some time for "fun," if what i've been doing is effectively fun. you can correct me if i'm wrong. i'm used to do that. i could joke about not remembering when i was damn wrong, but it clearly is a lie to myself, not only a joke. funny. because all this time, i feel like i'm always wrong. i think i always am. and i don't know what i'm doing, if this will lead me somewhere better, or worse. if this would be helpful for me and my family, or detrimental to our finance.

i don't feel like attending the class this afternoon in constitutional law II but we're only five in the class, and z's not attending, so that would make us four. if i intend to absent myself from that class, that would just make them three. i know u know math and i didn't have to say those but well, this is spontaneous. just let me talk, ok? so, i should not not attend the class, right? that would be rude because my only reason is i don't feel like it, my lower back hurts, my soul aches and i don't want to take a shower. not enough. not reasonable enough.

funny, 'cause it's always like that. it is always that i don't reason enough. my excuses or situations are not reasonable enough for me to do what the heck i want. i should always compromise and sacrifice what i want from what i have to do. do u get that? or do u feel the same? damn if u do, damn if u don't. haha.

alright, it's only a minute before i start preparing for the class. guess i'll see u again when i feel like blabbering.

-A

[attrny-a]

10 December 2021

Four days from now is the start of my finals week. The past couple of days, almost a week already, I have not been the best at studying for school. I always thought I just do that a few days before the exam.

Today, I’m actually planning to finish my assigned digest in Natural Resources and Environmental Law, prepare my study schedule so I can start later or tomorrow, go to Proxy Oriental because Ma’am Babes asked me to inquire for them, prolly go to the water district, and cash-out Mic’s cash from GCash.

I feel so helpless not being able to provide for my family. I know this feeling has been long overdue, I’ve been stuck here since college graduation, but I just can’t easily veer away from these thoughts and emotions I have. Being unemployed is always on my mind and I’m just not happy about it. I am not happy where I am right now. I honestly can’t see or feel my future. I just try to imagine things about my future but I could hardly grasp it and make it my reality. It’s pure fiction, purely imagination.

I can’t wait for this semester to be over with. I just feel so tired and purposeless. I try to fuel my soul by attending mass, hanging out with my friends, visiting family and relatives, doing things alone, etc. But why do I feel like my efforts are always just not enough? Why do I always feel like I’m lacking something within me? Why do I feel stuck and trap with the space other people confined me in? Or is it just me who did this to myself?

-A

[attrny-a]

honestly

[attrny-a]

For real.

“When I was a young guy, I knew everything. Now I know very little. I know less and less as the time goes on.” - Anthony Hopkins

[attrny-a]

I ought not to love

Thinkin' it'd not be 'nough

I ought not to cry

Feelin' sorry if I try.

-05022021

[attrny-a]

Ahh. Yeah.

“To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[attrny-a]

Got it.

[attrny-a]

To be with you from that day forward, I'd surrender who I've been for who you are.

I waited a hundred years

But I'd wait a million more for you

And the song goes on and in my head, I'm crying.

[attrny-a]

Lord, help...

[attrny-a]

T'was a short interview and I suck so bad! I don't think I'll ever stand a chance.

[attrny-a]

Papa said to get katol baka daw malamukan si Mama.

[attrny-a]

I really find Taxation Law I hard. I thought I get it, but I can't remember a thing even if I try.

[attrny-a]

I still wanna be your favorite girl

I wanna be the one that makes your day

The one you think about as you lie awake

And I can't wait to be your number one

I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine

But I still wanna break your heart and make you cry

You're gonna wanna be my best friend, baby

You're gonna wanna be my best friend

You're gonna wanna be my best friend, baby.

- Best Friend, Rex Orange County