aucourantnight - Tumblr blog

[aucourantnight]

Oh wow I am emotional. You know I've actually never used that word when describing what happened. It was always "he was seeing someone else" or "he was always with this girl and I had no idea until 6 months later." I haven't said it because you didn't say that word to me, so even then when I had every reason to call you all these terrible things it was simply "basically he was seeing someone else," and left it at that.

It's so hard setting boundaries, but after all those months of silent suffering or doubting myself and our whole relationship, I had no choice. Even without speaking a word to you for months, you still consumed my mind. When we broke up I thought you wanted nothing to do with me, so I learned to to miss you less and less. You pushed me to the edge of the cliff and by the time I found out, I just jumped on my own. Despite the horrible thing you did I don't really get satisfaction knowing that you hate yourself or that everyone's against you. I still overthink. In the back of my mind I always wonder why you let it burden your conscience for so long. I will always wonder what I did wrong. In truth I miss you from time to time, but I can't trust someone who's unfaithful. I've stopped talking to people for less, and I didn't even block you! lol. I thought you had my back. See, you obviously still mean something to me if I'm saying all this shit, but I'm trying to be a big girl.

We are capable of so many things, but love is not one of them.

[aucourantnight]

Another chapter closed

My sense of accomplishment only lasted a few days, now I gave my notice to end the lease at the end of May and it's back to Dallas for me. I may have graduated but the grind is not over, not until I get to yet another school GDI. Now I'm dreading saying goodbye to my friends and the ones that took care of me in the locale .. can't feel .. must study

[aucourantnight]

One more week to go..

I just want to make myself and everyone proud

[aucourantnight]

Unburden

This week has been so hard... but I think it was needed. There were some things I needed to say as well but I can't do that in front of you without breaking down. Maybe we could've been those people who could still confide in each other, but a part of me still loves you and continues to grieve so you have to understand how I really need to find my peace. It's not fully there, but I'm working on it. It's not that I don't want to hear from you, it's that I'm not ready for the "how are you" or "let's catch up" as if nothing happened. I sometimes think about how nice it would be to cross paths and catch up in a local coffee shop. I'm not trying to fill some void anymore, but just learning how to live with it, I want that for you too. I do wish I could fade away

[aucourantnight]

What kind of game is this.. it's like you want me to keep remembering. I hate you a little extra today. I've actually never said that out loud until now. I don't really feel things until I admit them to myself. I just need more time. Don't look at me, I'm pathetic.

[aucourantnight]

It’s one of those nights where I sleep with a box of Kleenex next to my face and hugging my dolphin doesn’t help. Maybe I should disappear for a bit again. There’s some things I still don’t understand, but I think it’s for the best to leave some questions unanswered. For awhile there I was chasing the lonely feelings but now they’re chasing me. I wish there was a song for this

[aucourantnight]

I thought I held my composure pretty well until I pressed the end button. I'm no maid but I was definitely down for you. Maybe yall's paths aligned more than ours, but being down didn't seem to matter. Anyways you won't find closure from me because that door is almost closed. Save yourself from the deep thoughts and sleepless nights. I hope you don't mistake my kindness for anything else because it still hurts me, but I also want you to find your own peace. In this case I personally cannot differentiate between forgiveness and forgetting, but I will take either, or both.

[aucourantnight]

I thought today was a great day. For a few moments today my heart was really full. At home alone I'm grasping straws for that feeling again but it's trickling away. A lot of emotions resurfaced for me and it was bittersweet.

A close friend texted me just yesterday saying how she saw her recent ex on another friend's story and how she wishes it didn't hurt so much. I told her I remember when I felt the same way and that's it's okay to still care for him. One day you'll wake up and feel nothing and that same night you could be crying yourself to sleep. It still kinda be like that now. How dare you say WE swept it under the rug while I was actively looking and making up answers when you had none to give.

I have another friend from church who told me today that she and her bf broke up on my birthday, and that she thought he may be trying to talk to me! Not in this lifetime. He told her that about 3 months ago the relationship was over for him and my heart literally sank and I just cried for her.

[aucourantnight]

03/30

24 now is it? The first birthday celebrated by my lonesome. It was good, it was happy, and I'm still getting treated out a week later.

I feel myself getting old af, last week I thought I was getting heartburn and it was a terrible burning feeling. Today I woke up with a back hurting and I usually sleep soundly.

I graduate in exactly 26 days, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I've gotten a taste of the real world and I feel safer in academia, it's what I do best. Can you believe I got a 4.0 this year? Slay. Still don't know what I'm doing with my life though.

I always say this year is going to be my year but I've just given up most of my optimistic ideals and stopped fantasizing about things and people. This year really shitted on me and I just took it like a bitch. No one will really understand what I went through this past year. It was a year-long spiral down to the abyss and I partly willingly let it happen. Am I bitter at the world? Yes, but am I better off now? Also yes. I have untapped potential somewhere and I'm trying to find it still. All the drinking and eating out is not helping me though.

[aucourantnight]

Terrifying being in a car crash in a foreign place where my dad can’t rescue me.. I think I’ll go die now

[aucourantnight]

I think sharing music is the way to go now. Is it a good idea? Probably not because why does it matter if it still means something. If I keep pretending like I'm okay maybe eventually I will be, thats what they call manifesting.. here's to another semester of balancing sleepless nights, sinking into the loneliness of evenings, a deteriorating liver, a grumbling stomach and an aching heart.

[aucourantnight]

Rachmaninoff

Piano Concerto No. 2, second movement brings me to tears. It's always the flutes that seem to just hangout above you that resembles the simple things that bring happiness. The second movement is what I play in the morning when I'm putting water in the kettle, grinding my coffee, opening my blinds and enjoying the crisp cold air. A variation of the melody repeats itself at least 3 times, needless to say, it's beautiful. It becomes more intense, then the strings come in for the resolution. It a soul-soother. This is what's playing in the background for me when I picture us walking in Central Park.

[aucourantnight]

Good at being open

Because being vulnerable hurts too much..

Once you cross that line you realize that the idea just sounded good and looked good on paper, but it's one of those things that will just never be, and it hurts to come to terms with it. Maybe thats why I was hurting a lot during, because in the back of my mind I knew it, but I couldn't say it out loud because that would mean the end. Even if I was open to people about it, it would be like re-opening a scarred wound. I refuse to have people pry it open and try to fix it, they give me some inspirational shit that I may need to hear. Maybe if I had even a bit trust in you left I could redeem myself, but for now its better it goes back in the box.