aurora1040 - Tumblr blog

[aurora1040]

Some of us can’t recover!!!! We will never be 100% sane!!!! Get it through your head that we deserve love and support too!!!!

[aurora1040]

[aurora1040]

You are not defined by the bad days.

[aurora1040]

fun fact: “tired” is not supposed to be your default state of existence

[aurora1040]

My face is having uncontrollable spasms. Great. It hurts really, really, really bad.

I think part of why I have trouble explaining pain to the doctor is when they ask about the pain scale I always think “Well, if someone threw me down a flight of stairs right now or punched me a few times, it would definitely hurt a lot more” so I end up saying a low number. I was reading an article that said that “10” is the most commonly reported number and that is baffling to me. When I woke up from surgery with an 8" incision in my body and I could hardly even speak, I was in the most horrific pain of my life but I said “6” because I thought “Well, if you hit me in the stomach, it would be worse.”

[aurora1040]

I wish I could tell you how much longer things are going to be like this. But I can’t. What I can tell you is that you are going to make it. You’re going to make it through.

[aurora1040]

I know you’re tired. I know sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards. I know it’s exhausting.

It’s okay if you need to rest. It’s okay if you need to take a break from your healing journey. It’s okay to just stop for a bit.

Just please don’t give up. You’re going to get through this.

[aurora1040]

Two important mental health lessons for the night:

1. “My situation’s not that bad, other people need this resource worse” is something that people who desperately need the resource say, as a rule.

2. “Am I doing enough?” tends to be asked by people who are doing all they reasonably can, as a rule.

[aurora1040]

Something that literally changed my life was working with a friend on a coding thing. He was helping me create an auto rig script and was trying to explain something to me but his words were just turning into static in my brain. I was tired and confused and there was so many new concepts happening.

I could feel myself working toward a crying meltdown and was getting preemptively ashamed of what was about to happen when he said, “Hey, are you someone who benefits from breaks?”

It broke me.

Did I benefit from breaks? I didn’t know. I’d never taken them.

When a problem frustrated or upset me I just gritted my teeth and plowed through the emotional distress because eventually if you batter and flail at something long enough you figure it out. So what if you get bruised on the way.

I viscerally remembered in that moment being forced to sit at the table late into the night with my dad screaming at me, trying to understand math. I remembered taking that with me into adulthood and having breakdowns every week trying to understand coding. I could have taken a break? Would it help? I didn’t know! I’d never taken one!

“Yes,” I told him. We paused our call. I ate lunch. I focused on other stuff for half an hour. I came back in a significantly better state of mind, and the thing he’d been trying to explain had been gently cooking in the back of my head and seemed easier to understand.

Now when I find myself gritting my teeth at problems I can hear his gentle voice asking if I benefit from breaks. Yes, dear god, yes why did I never get taught breaks? Why was the only way I knew to keep suffering until something worked?

I was relating to this same friend recently my roadtrip to the redwoods with my wife. “We stopped every hour or so to get out and stretch our legs and switch drivers. It was really nice. When I was a kid we’d just drive twelve hours straight and not stop for anything, just gas. We’d eat in the car and power through.”

He gave a wry smile, immediately connecting the mindset of my parents on a road trip to what they’d instilled in me about brute forcing through discomfort. “Do you benefit from breaks?” he echoed, drawing my attention to it, making me smile with the same sad acknowledgement.

Take breaks. You’re allowed. You don’t have to slam into problems over and over and over, let yourself rest. It will get easier. Take. Breaks.

[aurora1040]

[aurora1040]

So I just saw a post by a random personal blog that said “don’t follow me if we never even had a conversation before” and?????? Not to be rude but literally what the fuck??????????

I’ve had people (non-pornbots) try to strike conversation out of nowhere in my DMs recently, and now I’m wondering if they were doing that because they wanted to follow me and thought they needed to interact first. I feel compelled to say, just in case, that it’s totally okay to follow this blog (or my side blog, for that matter) even if we’ve never talked before.

Also, I’m legit confused. Is this how follow culture works right now? It was worded like it’s common sense but is that really a thing?

[aurora1040]

:)

[aurora1040]

good read for teachers.

[aurora1040]

Remember that if talk or type weird all ok

Remember that if not low support need all ok

Remember that if not level 1 autism all ok

Remember that if nonverbal or semiverbal all ok

Remember that if cognitive function low all ok

Remember thay if dysfunctional all ok

Remember that if "more debilitating autism" all ok

Remember that disability ALWAYS debilitate one thing or another, if have "less accepted" autism still valid and deserving of love respect help

[aurora1040]

oh i see. im used to words with -ER meaning an excess while -O meaning a deficit. Its gonna take me a while to get used and properly familiar with stuff on Bipolar and mania, for sure 😅

Hello there!

When you have the spoons, could you give me a beginners guide to bipolar and what the differences are between types 1 & 2? Dont worry, Im not holding you to some scientific or doctorate level of information. More like... what are things you wish you knew or understood about the diagnoses sooner?

Hi! Ok I hope it's ok if this will be long...

For context I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder 7 times by different psychiatrists/hospitals, the most recent one changing it to schizoaffective bipolar. What I'll say is my own experience (an experience that is also shared by others I know)

I don't know what I would say as a beginners guide... I guess it's important to start by knowing bipolar isn't being sad sometimes and happy sometimes. Bipolar is a pattern of alternating between 2 mood states: depression and mania (or hypomania) each state encapsulating a host of symptoms.

As far as type 1 vs type 2... The difference between the two lies in the mania. Bipolar 2 has hypomania and Bipolar 1 has mania. Both have depression. the depression in both types can be severe and the severity of the depression does not indicate type 1 or 2.

Hypomania is a less impairing version of mania, but it still has a specific set of symptoms and criteria that make it different from just a "good mood". Both hypomania and mania are abnormal states.

Mania is going to be disruptive, impairs functioning, usually causes damage, and can often lead to hospitalization. It's not uncommon for mania to have psychosis with it.

They can both have increased energy and restlessness, racing thoughts, distractibility, pressured speech, grandiosity, feeling overly energetic despite a couple hours or no sleep, irritability, and aggression.

But the easiest way for me to explain is to re-create the scenario.

Hypomania: Getting 1 hour of sleep and still feeling energized, wanting to be active at all hours. Going on a $300 shopping trip I can't really afford. Feeling like everything is brighter, music is alive, and I'm the best artist. Getting kinda snippy. Cleaning the whole house and volunteering to clean other people's houses.

Mania: zero sleep for 48 or 72 hours at a time, not being able to stop moving, feeling on fire and as if I might explode if I ever stop. Spending thousands a.k.a. my entire savings on odd things like duplicates of the same items. Scratching myself bloody because my skin hurts, crying and laughing at the same time. I start tasks and abandon them as soon as I start, leaving a mess. Music becomes an obsession, the lyrics are speaking to me and telling me to do things. Everyone is mocking me. Anger outbursts, violent at times, including road rage incidents.

Both of these end abruptly and plummet into severe depression.

I don't know what I wish I knew... I guess I wish I knew how hard it would be to manage it. Having to keep everything in my life stable in order to keep myself stable. I thought if I just had the right pill I'd go back to "normal".

I also wish I'd known if you have mania you can't "pump the brakes". I kept trying to trigger hypomania in myself thinking I could accomplish so much. But in reality I would hit mania and accomplish nothing. I just spin my wheels, become a volcano, and everything falls apart. I still fall for it sometimes though.

I hope that's somewhat helpful.

[aurora1040]

I just want to thank you both for answering.

My current therapist suggested the possibility of Bipolar and, based on the general understanding I have of it and finding out that, apparently, you only need to experience mania/hyper mania only one time in your life, so long as you also primarily experience the hypO mania as well (from what i gathered it seems hypER mania is the too happy/energetic/high while hypO mania seems to be a type of depression.) And with what little I know about bipolar (cuz delving into types 1 & 2 in details has been intimidating with my dyslexia), what she suggested actually makes sense. Things I didnt realize that didnt quite add up suddenly make a lot of sense with the possibility of Bipolar as an explanation.

So now that its a realistic possibility (as I used to dismiss the thought before the therapist explained about just one hyper mania experience would count), I want to actually try to understand it properly and the differences between the types.

so thank you both for your thoughtful responses.

Hello there!

When you have the spoons, could you give me a beginners guide to bipolar and what the differences are between types 1 & 2? Dont worry, Im not holding you to some scientific or doctorate level of information. More like... what are things you wish you knew or understood about the diagnoses sooner?

Hi! Ok I hope it's ok if this will be long...

For context I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder 7 times by different psychiatrists/hospitals, the most recent one changing it to schizoaffective bipolar. What I'll say is my own experience (an experience that is also shared by others I know)

I don't know what I would say as a beginners guide... I guess it's important to start by knowing bipolar isn't being sad sometimes and happy sometimes. Bipolar is a pattern of alternating between 2 mood states: depression and mania (or hypomania) each state encapsulating a host of symptoms.

As far as type 1 vs type 2... The difference between the two lies in the mania. Bipolar 2 has hypomania and Bipolar 1 has mania. Both have depression. the depression in both types can be severe and the severity of the depression does not indicate type 1 or 2.

Hypomania is a less impairing version of mania, but it still has a specific set of symptoms and criteria that make it different from just a "good mood". Both hypomania and mania are abnormal states.

Mania is going to be disruptive, impairs functioning, usually causes damage, and can often lead to hospitalization. It's not uncommon for mania to have psychosis with it.

They can both have increased energy and restlessness, racing thoughts, distractibility, pressured speech, grandiosity, feeling overly energetic despite a couple hours or no sleep, irritability, and aggression.

But the easiest way for me to explain is to re-create the scenario.

Hypomania: Getting 1 hour of sleep and still feeling energized, wanting to be active at all hours. Going on a $300 shopping trip I can't really afford. Feeling like everything is brighter, music is alive, and I'm the best artist. Getting kinda snippy. Cleaning the whole house and volunteering to clean other people's houses.

Mania: zero sleep for 48 or 72 hours at a time, not being able to stop moving, feeling on fire and as if I might explode if I ever stop. Spending thousands a.k.a. my entire savings on odd things like duplicates of the same items. Scratching myself bloody because my skin hurts, crying and laughing at the same time. I start tasks and abandon them as soon as I start, leaving a mess. Music becomes an obsession, the lyrics are speaking to me and telling me to do things. Everyone is mocking me. Anger outbursts, violent at times, including road rage incidents.

Both of these end abruptly and plummet into severe depression.

I don't know what I wish I knew... I guess I wish I knew how hard it would be to manage it. Having to keep everything in my life stable in order to keep myself stable. I thought if I just had the right pill I'd go back to "normal".

I also wish I'd known if you have mania you can't "pump the brakes". I kept trying to trigger hypomania in myself thinking I could accomplish so much. But in reality I would hit mania and accomplish nothing. I just spin my wheels, become a volcano, and everything falls apart. I still fall for it sometimes though.

I hope that's somewhat helpful.

[aurora1040]

Hello there!

When you have the spoons, could you give me a beginners guide to bipolar and what the differences are between types 1 & 2? Dont worry, Im not holding you to some scientific or doctorate level of information. More like... what are things you wish you knew or understood about the diagnoses sooner?

Hi! Ok I hope it's ok if this will be long...

For context I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder 7 times by different psychiatrists/hospitals, the most recent one changing it to schizoaffective bipolar. What I'll say is my own experience (an experience that is also shared by others I know)

I don't know what I would say as a beginners guide... I guess it's important to start by knowing bipolar isn't being sad sometimes and happy sometimes. Bipolar is a pattern of alternating between 2 mood states: depression and mania (or hypomania) each state encapsulating a host of symptoms.

As far as type 1 vs type 2... The difference between the two lies in the mania. Bipolar 2 has hypomania and Bipolar 1 has mania. Both have depression. the depression in both types can be severe and the severity of the depression does not indicate type 1 or 2.

Hypomania is a less impairing version of mania, but it still has a specific set of symptoms and criteria that make it different from just a "good mood". Both hypomania and mania are abnormal states.

Mania is going to be disruptive, impairs functioning, usually causes damage, and can often lead to hospitalization. It's not uncommon for mania to have psychosis with it.

They can both have increased energy and restlessness, racing thoughts, distractibility, pressured speech, grandiosity, feeling overly energetic despite a couple hours or no sleep, irritability, and aggression.

But the easiest way for me to explain is to re-create the scenario.

Hypomania: Getting 1 hour of sleep and still feeling energized, wanting to be active at all hours. Going on a $300 shopping trip I can't really afford. Feeling like everything is brighter, music is alive, and I'm the best artist. Getting kinda snippy. Cleaning the whole house and volunteering to clean other people's houses.

Mania: zero sleep for 48 or 72 hours at a time, not being able to stop moving, feeling on fire and as if I might explode if I ever stop. Spending thousands a.k.a. my entire savings on odd things like duplicates of the same items. Scratching myself bloody because my skin hurts, crying and laughing at the same time. I start tasks and abandon them as soon as I start, leaving a mess. Music becomes an obsession, the lyrics are speaking to me and telling me to do things. Everyone is mocking me. Anger outbursts, violent at times, including road rage incidents.

Both of these end abruptly and plummet into severe depression.

I don't know what I wish I knew... I guess I wish I knew how hard it would be to manage it. Having to keep everything in my life stable in order to keep myself stable. I thought if I just had the right pill I'd go back to "normal".

I also wish I'd known if you have mania you can't "pump the brakes". I kept trying to trigger hypomania in myself thinking I could accomplish so much. But in reality I would hit mania and accomplish nothing. I just spin my wheels, become a volcano, and everything falls apart. I still fall for it sometimes though.

I hope that's somewhat helpful.