authenticallyvoid - Tumblr blog

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being skinny is more important then being healthy

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so annoyed bc i KNOOOOOO how beautiful i would look skinnier.... i’m at 122 now which like comparatively... i’ve been here before, like summer 2017/18... ugh. ugh !!!!!!!!!!!!! i’ve been lower ! what a weight of shame !!! making me heavier and dragging my chin to the ground

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i remember last summer i was like losing my shit over my dad constantly talking / promoting / watching videos about dieting and fasting and it was so upsetting and triggering and everytime i asked him to not talk to me abt it or around me we got in a fight and anyway t was never resolved and he never stopped and it’s literally my birthday and we r sitting in the living room togetehr and he put on soemthing abt fasting and how amazing it is for u and how u should do 23:1 hr fasting and whatever. and it’s so frustrating and sad and alienating to feel like he doesn’t even care or know that i struggle so badly w disordered eating and that hearing this stuff is awful like ive gotten more used to in the fact that i don’t react as angrily towards him but it still always puts little ed needles in my brain

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i didn’t use lax bc it’s thxgiving n i was busy in the morning :// the next time i could is monday by that’s my birthday n i don’t rly want to do that lmao. so next thursday. a whole week. idk im gonna try to not eat a lot this week . big ugh.

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oh no.... thinking abt this body... i think this was around 113 probably ? i have it written down somewhere ...... nothing has broken me like this lmao this afternoon i was 123.6 but then i had lunch and then just now some dessert. i think probably i’m still under 2000 but idk for sure and i stopped counting calories for the past month or so, just weighing myself 2-3 times a day . idk how it’s working like if i start gaining a lot i’ll go back but i went down to 118.8? or .2? while i was dogsitting then i went back up :// idk i wanna go back down for my birthday but that’s only like 5 days away so :// idk im gonan take lax tonight so i’ll b shitting on thxgiving but w/e lol i’m dogsitting again over nye so mayb that will help too... idk the holidays r always weird ://

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i hate myself

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i literally just want to b back in austin and hide my meal plan card and take my lax and sit in my apt and smoke and watch myself wither away like that LITERALLY all i want rn

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lol why does 740 feel so fucking disgusting. like i rly am so stupid and weak and horrible huh. it’s literally so despicable that i react to emotion with food like that’s literally the worst thing abt me. i felt this depressed mood swing when i got derailed on what i was doing and then it just felt like i couldn’t do fucking anything and then fucking up my drawing then watching that baking show like what a fucking recipe for disaster. it’s ridiculous that and extra 160 cal is disaster but it is. it is!

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i feel so stupid. ate toast , 90 cal total w the apple butter. probably a little less bc i didn’t actually measure but i don’t want to b undercounting it. i want to drink this hot chocolatw too. only 70 cal. but that would put me at 740. is that too much. of course it is. of course it is. i feel so miserable, so sad, so heavy with self inflicted misery. like a limp wailing figure, half collapsed on the floor. i just want to be skinny.

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my dumb ass watching baking shows when i’m restricting so i’m craving cake and donuts and pie and i can’t do SHIT abt it bc im so scared of gaming WEIGHT lmao i feel like xmas eve and xmas is going to b so fucking hard to restrict, so i feel like i CANT break my 700 limit before then but. fuck i want donuts so bad. so bad. so so so so bad. but i kno i would binge, like i can’t control myself. but i want it so bad i could cry. i want to cry. this is so hard i hate myself !!!!!!!

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lmao not my mom calling me out on my ed !!!!! so annoying so so annoying. also tmr my friend is coming over and i literally don’t kno what to do abt eating like. i want her to be able to eat but i don’t want to eat. so. uh.

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okay that’s a lie i DO notice a difference, in just that my hips and ribs are a little more pronounced or at least feel sharper. lit rally the only thing. also i’ve literally considered smoking just to suppress appetite but 1)disgusting horrible idea i will never ever smoke a cigarette and 2)that’s stupid and expensive and 3)my appetite isnt even rly that bad so. honestly it’s just avoiding the urges @ night to eat, mostly sweets but idk at night it’s harder to say no but i’m getting better at it, less of a struggle. feeling this intense and real abt restricting is making me feel rly powerful and good.