automaticbananaskeletoncrea-blog

[automaticbananaskeletoncrea-blog]

i feel the worst ive ever felt

usually i feel bad when my period is late

or when my symptoms are really rialed up but generally my emotional status is stagnant, I’ve been in relationships but in between them i dont tend to get that attached and even if i do i just hide it until i can’t take the negligence anymore and quit cold turkey. This time it’s different. Being sober is painful emotionally. I think about hicham a lot. I’ve put him behind me for a greater good but it’s the first time i’ve actually felt like i was getting played. he made me wait for so long, we could’ve fucked 3 times in a row but noooo he had to take half of this year. Making me wait all ramadan like a fool. Making me wait for my period like a fool. never again will i be treated this way i promise myself. he broke a good girl fr. 

[automaticbananaskeletoncrea-blog]

login day 1 sunday 8/10/22

I’m 28

In the past I have lost my mind

Almost killed myself by an impulse while drunk

survived to live a life of awful diagnosis

guilt linked to the fact it was from my own hands

entourage treating me like i was possessed, bringing me alcohol in hospital and envying the 2 bucks I have when I’m clearly not flexing and disabled

they still envied the shit out of me

they dont understand that what drove me to despair was the fact I had no one

instead they punish me

isolate me

denigrate me

treat me like, like what exactly EVEN IF THEY KNOW EVERYTHING THAT DOESNT GIVE THEM NO RIGHT TO SEE ME SMALLER

mother litterally is about to tell me everything is my fault for the rest of time

i could never be her bestie her persona carries the stankiest of auras, she’s degrading and mean and inconsiderate and only cares about everybody else’s business

she actually already mentionned that if i had problems “linked to my lifestyle” i would be on my own

i am on my own now

i bought a computer that’s not a mcbook for a price higher than a macbook

i had no choice since i cant pay up 900 for a good one while paying rent

my father couldnt wait to have me home to pay rent while he works all week and goes out all night

my parents will never separate and i still got caught up in their BS this year and got insulted so many new times: i couldnt speak because i dont have a degree, my character is worse than them, my relationships were mocked as if i was a monster

it’s her fault i’m this bitter

it’s the active poison she injects into my daily life

no more

i’m done giving my time and effort

destroyed my ankle to be treated like someone who f8CK to eat dinner

i’m done with that wh2re of a horrible woman

DONE WITH ABUSIVE WOMEN

WEAK A5S INSECURE A5S B7TCH

THEY COULDNT EVEN JUST SAY CONGRATULATIONS

CANT EVEN SAY IT IDC IF SHE DOESNT FEEL LIKE ITS REAL

IM DONE TRYING TO PROVE HER ANYTHING

COULDNT EVEN BE PROUD OF MY WEIGHTLOSS OR MAKE ONE GENUINE COMPLIMENT!!!!! AFTER ALL IVE BEEN THRU THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEA IM A BIG EVERYTHING STAY MAD YOU HATER

HOW I FEEL:  NEGLECTED 

DROVEN CRAZY BY THE FACT THEY TOLD ME THEY USED TO BE SOOO DIFFERENT WHEN THE SITUATION KEEPS BLEEDING ME OUT WORSE EVERY YEAR

LIKE I DONT HAVE ANY OF MY PROBLEMS

THAT I HANDLE VERY GRACEFULLY

HOW I FEEL: DISAPPOINTED IN LINA WHO TREATS THE CHAT LIKE A DUMP AND I HATE IT I HATE HER IM DONE ENTERTAINING THIS BS RELATIONSHIP SHE CANT EVEN ACT FAKE SAD WHEN I BREAK

TOO BUSY THINKING SHES BETTER THAN ME

I WISH THEY FEEL HOW I FEEL RN

HOW I FEEL: sad unfortunately this experience leaves me once again feeling empty and helpless and desperate and i just have to carry along because shit could be worse