autumnboyd17

[autumnboyd17]

We as a society don’t talk enough about how sexy Headfirst slide into Cooperstown on a bad bet is

[autumnboyd17]

Happy 10 years in the ball pit

[autumnboyd17]

yes babe the sex was great but i never finished talking about vampires so i think we need to get back to that

[autumnboyd17]

[autumnboyd17]

source

[autumnboyd17]

On that same note of death, more thoughts.

I hate that my generation has started saying they don't like getting flowers because they die. No shit they die. You wanna know what else died? My mom.

Jkjkjk for realises but seriously, everything dies and that doesn't have to symbolizes the relationship dying, everyone dies eventually. If you need flowers to symbolizes something in your relationship. Care for the flowers, help them live as long as the possibly can. And do the same in you relationships. Care for it and see it through to its end. All relationship end in a break up or death. Nothing is permanent, cherish the flowers while they're here. Don't avoid the whole enevibility of the flowers dying by never getting flowers. They flowers exist, and they're gonna die with or without you. Live with the flowers, even if its only for a little while.

[autumnboyd17]

I wanted to post my thoughts somewhere but didn't know where. So it sat in my notes app until I remembered I had this account.

When tackling a subject like immortality where do I even begin?

Vampires have existed for as long has humans have been able to spread stories. Every culture has some sort of undead being that needs to feed off a humans life force in some essence to survive. Some cultures it was your soul, sucking bit by bit until there was nothing left. For others it was quite literally a human life, the vampire needing to kill and eat to survive like any other predator, in this sense vampires and zombies are the same. Recently the term, energy vampires has risen to popularity, the phrase is used for people draining to talk to. But most notably and persistently, it's blood.

I have held a fascination with vampires for as long as I can remember.

My mom used to go all out on decorations for Christmas and Halloween. Scared that it'd be afraid of them, she introduced me to the decorations as toys or friends. We had a very short cardboard cut out of Dracula and it became my favorite. I carried it around everywhere, my parents referred to him as my first boyfriend. Now he sits on top of my shelves, he's beat to hell but I love him. My mom showed me a movie made in 1987 called, The Lost Boys. Of course she covered my eyes during that one weird awkward sex scene, and I was too young to understand any of the jokes. Spoiler, but I called the twist that Max was the head vampire even after they lead you to believe otherwise. My mom thought I was so smart. Later in the car I asked my mom if vampires were real. She of course said no, and when that answer disappointed me, she told me some people to pretended to be vampires, sharpening their teeth and drinking animal or each others blood, but they can't live off that alone. I think her information was supposed to disgust me but id be lying if I said I hadn't looked into cosmetic teeth sharpening a few times. When I was 7 I spent the night at a friend's house and we watched this "new" movie called Twilight. Growing up, my mom would rent seasons of True Blood from Blockbuster, I knew it was about vampires but I wasn't allowed to watch that one. At some point I was shown Interview with a Vampire. That movie is what introduced me to Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, a song I've loved dearly ever since. Despite my fond memories of vampires, werewolves and zombies where my favorites till I got older and into my emo phase. Then, finally, vampires were cool.

I never had a stable friend group as a kid, it changed around every year. My grandpa passed when I was 10, my dad left when I was 11. The only 2 constants I felt like I had were my Mom and our dog Hause. The first 4 months of 2020 took both of them along with the rug under me.

One night when I was sad and on the hunt for nostalgia, I found The Lost Boys. I pirated it to my lap top and watched it for the first time since my mom passed. Its like I could hear her saying prominent lines and fun facts about the actors and the location the movie takes place, Santa Carla. Its a fictional version of Santa Cruz, the board walk and the beaches my parents used to take me too as a baby are all shown in the opening to the movie while a cover of The Door's People are Strange played. Its like I can't watch it without her. And for that its my favorite movie. Watching it as an adult made it loose a bit of child-like wonder, I understand all the jokes now, and I have small crushes on the characters Michael and Star, and my eyes are no longer covered during their awkwardsex scene, though I wish they were. Regardless, my point of view has changed, but still, I remember exactly what it was like in the beginning. Change is sad, but its beautiful.

Since my mom passed I've had a big fear of watching everyone I love die before me. Most people laugh it off but seriously, I don't know if I'd be able to handle losing someone so close again, and since my solution hasn't been to not let anyone get close, its obviously been to die before them. I've attempted suicide over it. So, the idea that someone can be there with you forever. The concept that someone can love you for lifetimes. That consistency, the "always and forever" of it. Its beautiful.

I'm crazy but hypothetically, if I could find a vampire to love me I could get close and never have to even think about taking my own life early just so I'd never have to grieve a day over them. That hypothetical is what keeps me hooked and coming back. Not the sparkles or the teeth. Undying love. Thats the beauty of it.

I do think there's a beauty in death too. The same way there's beauty in birth. We all live, we all die, and when you can't count on the vampires because they don't exist, its the only consistency we really have. Thats all we get. I don't know what happens after death, but I imagine it's peaceful. You just let go of the weight of life and die. No more pain. No more anxiety. No more joy. Just sweet nothing. I hope that when I leave my final breath here I get to join my mom somewhere nice. And maybe everyone else I lose along the way, though I still hope its not many. However, I can't rely on this, there's no certainty in what happens after death, only death.

I'm sure you probably think I'd never even want to think about being a vampire after that. But I would really love that!! It would be so cool to watch humanity grow and learn and progress. Their downfalls and how they rise. I would learn everything I could as a vampire. I would go to college over and over again. Majoring in, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, History, English. I would probably need to get a better understanding on science too eventhough it's always been my least favorite subject. I would learn and learn and learn and never worry about running out of time because I'd have all the time in the world. I think at some point though, I'd cut my time as a vampire short. One day I'd wake up and decide I've learned enough to satisfy me, see enough to fulfill me, and stand in the sun one last time.

I think I'd make a good vampire. I'm already a night owl, I'm typing this up at 12:30 am. I don't mind blood. Its really only the fear of people I love dying that holds me back. I could turn everyone I love in to vampires as well, but not everyone I love would want to be a vampire. I'd never be able to live with myself if I selfishly forced eternity on someone who didn't want it.

I think the choice to become a vampire, has all the same pros and cons as choosing to live life as is. I'm going to watch people I care about die, but I also get to witness humanity change and grow every day. I burn in the sun, and I learn as I go along. Accidents can happen, or I can choose to end life early. If you take out the factor of never growing old, the hard choices are the same.

Then you remember, there is no choice to be a vampire or not. The only choice I get is if I want to keep on living. I do. I do want to keep living because dying of old age is the closest I'll ever get to being able to see eternity. And that sounds sick as fuck.

Ultimately, I have my mom to thank for my love of vampires. She's the one who introduced me to the idea as a small child, and her death drove the final nail into the coffin of my obsession. Yes that pun was intended please laugh. I just kinda wish that I could share my thoughts and excitement about vampires with her. Maybe one day, 80 years from now, I'll decide I've learned enough to satisfy me, see enough to fulfill me, I'll leave my final breath here, let go of the weight of life and die. Hopefully I get to join my mom somewhere nice and tell her all about what it was like to almost live for eternity.

[autumnboyd17]

one of my girlfriends only tells the truth. my other girlfriend only tells lies.

[autumnboyd17]

[autumnboyd17]

[autumnboyd17]

So Much (For) Stardust comes out tomorrow!! 🫣

[autumnboyd17]

Hold me like a grudge is a continuation of this ain’t a scene it’s a arms race

[autumnboyd17]

my life would be significantly improved if i had vampire fangs

[autumnboyd17]

I really love walking around town at night to observe the serene beauty of the night. So silent and different from the day.

(this post is sponsored by thirsty vampires)

[autumnboyd17]

[autumnboyd17]

oh to be a vampire wandering around a forest and picking flowers as my cloak dances around me

[autumnboyd17]