autumnlament - Tumblr blog

[autumnlament]

this exchange is like a microcosm of all internet discourse

[autumnlament]

don’t worry, you’re still in the “early life” part of your wikipedia page

[autumnlament]

I do feel bad for plants in general. Like, I know they are often as vicious as animals in many ways, just slower. But, I mean, they just show up and they’re like, “I Think I Will Evolve To Eat The Sun And Also Make Oxygen And How Now Is All This.” And, like, everything fucking dies at first (totally not plants fault, btw. okay maybe it was but they didn’t mean to) but then new things evolve. And they’re like, “Fuck it, eating each other suuuucks. Let’s eat the plants which give us life.” And so we start doing that. And plants are all, “Oh Dear No, I Do Not Care At All For Being Eaten. I Will Make Myself Into Poison Sometimes.” But, y'know, stuff kept eating plants anyway so plants, ever the bro, came up with a new idea. “I Have Made A Decision About Being Eaten And You May Eat Me Friends And Here Is An Especially Tasty Bit Packed All Full of Delicious Sugars Which I Have Produced At Great Cost (What They Do Not Know Is That My Seeds Are Within And Shall Be Propagated Near And Far By Their Dung)“ But that’s not good enough for animals, no, not at all. We love the fuck out of some pomegranates but also alliums which are like, “I Have Not Decided To Go In For This Being Eaten Business. I Shall Be Very Foul Tasting And Also A Poison.” But no, sorry, onions, you fucked up. You accidentally wound up with a species that just doesn’t give up or fully comprehend the idea of things tasting “”‘bad’“’ or other concepts like not eating poison. (Sorry, plants, later we turn some of you who are not poison into a poison we consume recreationally. We really enjoy eating poison.)  Legit, alliums are deadly to, like, every other species. And we call them aromatics and throw them in everything. Peppers are the best, though. They completely got on the being eaten train. BUT ONLY BIRDS Peppers are like, “You May Eat Me, Fair Avian, For You Are Sure To Spread Me A Great Distance. But, Mammal, Take HEED. Should You Eat Me Then I Will Burn You Most Terribly.” And we were all about that. “The FUCK, burning? I love pain,” said humans, presumably. “You know, peppers, you and evolution have done a good job at burning us but I am pretty sure we could make your chemical agony even more potent. Come hang with us,” humans added to a very confused pepper just before creating the ghost chili.

[autumnlament]

me when two characters get together in a show i’m way too invested in

[autumnlament]

[autumnlament]

Bisexual Pride Wallpapers

Requested by anonymous

[autumnlament]

[autumnlament]

Coming out as a slave, and imma join the jedi

gotta make qui-gonn proud, because i’m way too old

it was only a sith, how did it end up like this

it was only a sith, it was only a sith

now she woke from her sleep

and i’m catching a cab

but my lead’s up in smoke

and she’s taking a stand

now mace windu is dead

im becoming a sith

and a hood’s on my head

but she’s clutching her neck, now

he takes off his dress, now

“we were bros”

i just got cooked, it’s killing me

i can’t feel my toes…

JEAAALOUSY, turned me into a machine

killing off all the jedi, choking out those who survive

but it’s just the PRICE I PAY, DESTINY IS ALL I SEEK

TAKE AWAY THIS REBEL SPYYY

‘CAUSE I’M MR. DARK SIDE

[autumnlament]

what ur fave painter says about you

Van Gogh: art hoe, unappreciated, depressed and lonely

Picasso: mhmm. you’re pretty weird and inventive 

Leanardo Da Vinci: gay genius, ultimate prankster

Matisse: you love anything cultural and appreciate the value and beauty of almost everything

Edvard Munch: you are depressed, nihilistic and very lonely 

Salvador Dali: what is wrong with you? seriously what are you ever talking about

Monet: you have an eye for beauty and wish you could live in a field of flowers

Renoir: you love the women, the children, the bread

Andy Warhol: hello you are pretentious and gay

Rembrant: you are serious, detailed, and classical. 

Keith Haring: you’ve got a hard on for the 80s and you are into activism 

Bouguereau: dude we get it you love the female body and you love mythology

Edward Hopper: america? america. also you are realistic, serious, observant and hard working

Klimt: you are goddamn beautiful and you love goddamn beautiful things

Egon Schiele: you are obsessed with the human body and need to get laid

Magritte: you are an existentialist and want to have tea in the clouds 

Frida Kahlo: fuck imperialism and fuck america and fuck white people. also you’re the coolest motherfucker around

[autumnlament]

Okay so I bought a dress today (along with a pair of dark blue velvet pants they are great)

and it looks pretty normal, right?

WRONG

GREETINGS I HAVE COME TO LAY A CURSE UPON YOUR VILLAGE AND KISS ALL YOUR WOMEN

[autumnlament]

♡

[autumnlament]

You have been visited by the Chan of wealth, reblog this and you will have money come to you!

[autumnlament]

[autumnlament]

Who wants to hear my new conspiracy theory about lawyers

[autumnlament]

Okay okay okay. So I’ve seen Star Trek: First Contact about a hundred times and I can’t believe I never noticed this.

So first contact with the Vulcans happens, right? The Vulcan ship lands…

Ooh look an alien. Pointy ears!

He offers what we as Star Trek fans recognize as the traditional Vulcan greeting.

Zefram Cochrane tries to copy…

Haha he can’t do it.

So he of course offers what he knows to be a traditional greeting, namely a handshake.

And ah yes, what a wonderful moment. Two cultures are exchanging greetings, learning about each other. It’s awesome.

Until you remember that Vulcans kiss with their hands.

So basically, this Vulcan offered a nice polite “how do you do” and Zefram Cochrane offered smoochies.

I really hope this came up in conversation later.

[autumnlament]

“Which author would you want to bring into 2015″ is such a hard question to answer I mean you could watch Arthur Conan Doyle despair over everything Sherlock Holmes within the last century or you could present Douglas Adams with an iPad

[autumnlament]

in superman adventures #19, there’s a villain named multi-face who can convincingly disguise himself as anyone, even tricking dna tests and x-ray vision. Superman initially can’t stop him

and the only reason he gets caught is because multiface decides to disguise himself as, of all people, CLARK KENT i’m screaming