avaluce-blog

[avaluce-blog]

eventually my tears stopped

and my mum would ask: whats wrong? why are you crying?

i never really knew why, i just felt sad and lost and hopeless

but i couldnt say that

she wouldnt have understood

she never tried to understand what was going on with me

and i think she never wanted to

i d always answer with some silly cause i made up

like ,school is stressing me out ,i think im sick

my mum then give me some stupid advice or medicine

she thought she could fix my „problem“ with a simple pill or a few words

i stopped crying got to bed or took a shower and for a moment all was good

all was well

i felt better

it didnt last long

over the next days the sadness creeped in

slowly

i got anxious

i felt ashamed

i hated myself for saying the wrong words for not being a better person for not having friends for not looking better

in a matter of days - weeks if i was lucky sometimes - they were back

the tears. the shame. the feeling of being worthless

now i ask myself why

but i dont know

i guess i am the reason

and if i am

how can i fix me?

should i just kill me?

kill the cause?

sometimes i want to

and a few times i almost did it

other times there are moments where i am happy that i am still alive

i havent had a lot of these moments lately

maybe its only a matter of time

until the tears are double the amount

and i dont see any other option than death