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[avecetoiles]

[avecetoiles]

takeshi kaneshiro during the filming of fallen angels (1995)

[avecetoiles]

a conversation i want to have with you.

hey, i think that it’s better that we aren’t together. of course it breaks my heart, ive cried for nights and days on end about this. i think something that you should understand first is the extent of love i have for you. if i could put it into words i’ll tell you about how literally every night if i’m not waking up in tears of heartache, im waking up with giggles and butterflies because i dream of you. Every single goddamn night i dream of you and it’s truly so exhausting. my body misses you, my mind, my heart, my soul. they miss you so so much. so much so that they dream of you. then i wake up and think of you. wonder what you’re doing so i start to do something else because i find myself missing you, loving you. i get up and walk for hours alone, seeing things that i’d like to share with you. thinking of how i can love you and be at peace with not talking to you or being around you every now and then. i go home and do something else. thinking of you and how in love i am with you. how those 4 days and 3 nights were some of the best i’ve had in a long time. the nights when you held me i felt so at home. to hear your heartbeat. how afraid i was to cling to you too hard because you might pull away. you’re always so mean to me after sex these days but i’ll love you all the same. i’ll hold you all the same. i’ll see you all the same, cold shoulder or not. you’re my baby after all.

now we can get back to what i was saying. the whole thing about being friends. I’ve had so much time alone to sit and think about the conversation we had recently that night. particularly about how you don’t want to lead me on by continuing to have sex with me because you’re so unsure right now. how one day this loyalty we have to one another, even without being together, will backfire. the first thing you brought up is how one day i might start liking someone else but feel an obligation to you. my heart cracked then and there but i continued to listen. only interrupting you to say that i didn’t want to have that conversation because i have never thought about being with someone else save for the fact that one time someone told me there’s plenty of fish in the sea and i realized i could never be with anyone else. then you said, you didn’t want to lead me on again! this time saying how one day if you met someone you wouldn’t want me to be hurt about that. my heart broke baby. my heart broke hearing that. maybe i’m selfish. i remember you said you don’t know if you ever would be in a relationship again which gave me more comfort than the idea of your heart belonging to someone else. once again maybe im selfish. because in the beginning the whole reason i broke up with you was to grow. not because i didn’t love you or was unsure about loving you. i was going insane and i wanted to kill myself. i had an eating disorder that was taking over my mind. i couldnt understand day to day reality. i couldnt understand anything. i felt unloved because of my insecurity. i felt these petty feelings of negativity when we were in an argument. i needed to lose bad habits and needed to get rid of that ego to be with you. i want to be a better person. so i could love you freely. not because i was unsure of you, not because i wanted to be away from you. because i questioned our love and wanted to be with someone else or alone. no the exact opposite. i did things this way for longevity. for free and open love. for security and well being. to be able to actually talk to you when we disagree or if im feeling off or discomfort with the everyday bumps of life. to be stronger for you. for the day that you’ll be able to freely talk to me about what’s wrong and if you’re truly okay or not. for the times when you need somebody there. baby, i love you. i love you i love you i love you. so during this time of thinking, i decided that if you are unsure of me and this love that you shouldnt be with me. cause i’d hate for you to lead me on as well. it’d break my goddamn heart. if you see yourself with many loves i want you to let go and live life so that way one day they come to you, free with no attachments.

my intentions aren’t to make you feel bad, nor to guilt you or pressure you into making a decision. i just realized that all of this time i have been sure of you. i just dont want you to hold on because im a “good one” how you said. you deserve to live life without reservations for me in the back of your mind to confuse you. this is all just some stuff i’ve been thinking about. i feel like the more i fight for this, the less i see of you or hear from you. i’d like to love you knowing you let go rather than knowing that you are unsure or have distrust in my love. i’d rather we stay friends so you can live with a little less on your shoulders. ultimately, i want you to be happy. if that’s with me or without me. this is not to tell you how you’re feeling, only that if you’re on the side of uncertainty with skepticisms and distrust, to take the leap or be just friends with me. pure friends

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i miss you so much

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you’re as sweet as strawberry frosting and as soft as strawberry milk

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don’t you remember days of technicalities or did i make that up too?

i missed when i was young and full of life

like a baby deer running through trees by itself still appreciating the flowers and the breeze.

now there’s this abhorrent reminiscence

of so many beautiful things you’d think my perspective had changed by now.

but what do they say?

baby steps right?

even in the face of indifference

and feeling like im fading away

my ego tries to keep its grips on what i have left.

but

how lucky for my masochistic side

to feel the utter agony

of this fight.

this war.

how lucky for my sadistic side

oh how lucky for her

to torture and abuse this sweet sweet being who loves every second of it.

i’ll tell you

the polarity of the two causes them to work in harmony.

so that way this battle ends in bliss

pure and utter fucking

bliss.

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the thought of leaving slof out of town made me tear up :(.

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i was fine being your good bitch as long as i could be good for you.

i was fine being your fuckpuppy as long as you would call me your puppy again.

i was fine i was fine i was fine

being used by you.

as long as i could make you feel euphoric. if i could watch myself die over and over again in your eyes.

i was fine

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i would like to live on my own with a little plants in rural japan somewhere

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please don’t treat me as if im disposable lol

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its not all anguish and pain. i’ll stick to my boundaries and if it isn’t a good idea next week then i won’t

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and ill cry every night until it doesn’t hurt anymore

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im truly a hopeless romantic

even in the face of heartbroken agony of my own

and the indifference of you

when i cry

i think about the way you used to hold my hand

and tell myself that you’ll do it again

the way you kissed my head

held my face in your hands as if i was the softest, most delicate and most precious thing you have ever seen.

that time you seen a white porcelain heart shaped plate and got it for me because you said i look like i’d eat off of something like this every day.

the times when i could be big and beyond

and especially the times that i was small and fragile.

i think about how lovely love is and how suffering only lasts so long.

how any problem can be solved

and forgive me for saying this but i’d rather have a home in your heart than to care about something as trivial as

i guess i should stop here.

i love you still, i always have

i always will.

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look at you strawberry blonde

fields rolling on

i love it when you call my name

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my lovely icarus

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when i showered i cried

i cried and i cried and i released so much sadness

but i’d hoped you were outside the door when i was finished.

standing there with the same starry look as me

eyes glistening with tears

red rimmed and ready to burst at any moment.

i wish you loved me more like you said you did.

i wish i wish i wish