averydepressingjourney

[averydepressingjourney]

Selfblame, pity or bullying

“You’re such a fast learner” 

“It’s great having you here”

“It’s so nice of you to always jump in when it’s needed” 

People compliment me all the time, I’m good at my job, I’m a good friend, I always help when it’s needed and I know I can do it. Still non of it seem to register. I know what people are saying, but my mind just decides they don’t actually mean it. 

I went from being a temporary worker only having a few hours a week to a full time worker within 8 months, and sure it’s not a job that I am likely to keep since I’m only substituting for someone who’s sick, but they are making it clear that if they needed someone for the position I currently have, they would probably keep me. That must mean I’m good at this, otherwise they would have tried finding another full time worker and send me right back to substitute on hourly basis. 

People are asking me to go out with them to parties, come visit, asking to visit me, etc. So I must be a nice person to hang out with otherwise people wouldn’t want to be with me, right?

It should be the most logical reasoning but still... It doesn’t feel like it’s true. WHy are they being nice to me? I don’t know... Pity? They couldn’t possibly like me. Why are they giving me so many job opportunities? Because they have a shortage of people and don’t have any other choice but to take the first best even if that person is horribly bad. It’s not like I could ever be good at anything... 

No one could actually like me, I’m grey, depressing, I do too many mistakes, I say the wrong things at the wrong times because my brain just can’t figure out what’s appropriate when replying face to face, I’m awkard, can’t start a conversation for the life of me, I’ve destroyed my whole life by being locked up in my room for three years after graduating not being able to cope with life. 

I could have studied, I could have gotten out to work much earlier, I could have not let my anxiety take over me to a degree that I went from being a person with some mental instabilities to a robot only programmed to say what I need to say to get by among people and then leaving into my bubble where I recharge the batteries. 

Sometimes now and then you might notice a hint of the person I used to be. A bad joke here, an actuall answer to a question without just using a shrug or yes and no there, things that aren’t part of just the daily routine to make sure everyone but me are comfortable with my presence. And then comes the shame and the blaming. Why did I say that? They will think I’m crazy. I’m such an idiot. 

In my mind there’s two voices, both mine but one a bit more reasonable than the other. One is very self critical but can accept being wrong if I notice that something in their arguments isn’t right. They tell me the person that just looked at me thinks I’m an idiot because of something I said and I tell the voice that it doesn’t make sense since all I said was hi, like I do to most of the customers entering. A glance doesn’t always mean that they want to shop me head off. The voice backs off and doesn’t protest anymore than that. 

Then we have the other voice, it’s more dramatic and doesn’t like the implication of it being a part of me. It always uses the words you when adressing me, “you are an idiot, you’re wrong, you can’t do anything right.” It’s aggressive and doesn’t accept any kind of reasoning. The more I try to argue with it, the further into the rabbit hole it goes, tagic the most illogical leaps to make sure everything is my fault. It’s my fault I didn’t take a shower for a week even though it was the voice that convinced me not to do it, it was better to rest up so I could face another workday. It was my fault I didn’t take the medication, even though the reason I didn’t was once again the voice telling me what a bad idea it was as fast as I tried to even entertain the thought of taking it. It tells me I’m not worth feeling better then stomping on me again when I agree with it. It’s an unreasonable force that doesn’t stop... 

and it only exists because... 

I allow it to