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[awakemewithakiss-blog]

12/6/15

I want to pursue the things I’ve always wanted to do… But I have no courage to do so. And it’s finally hit me. I have a house I’m building with him and we both have full time jobs. He’s working to get to his career goal and I’m just here. Not even sure I want to be working in retail, or at least, not forever…

I wanna be on stage again, I wanna practice and touch up on my skills that I used to shine in. Even though I feel like it may be too late for me to start, I realise I’m still 21. There are still dreams I want to pursue.

But I can’t.

Because I don’t have the courage to pursue it nor can I leave him.

It’d be nice if I didn’t have to leave him but he gave me an ultimatum that if I were to pursue my passion in the arts (dance, act/sing) it’s too hard for him.

I’ve given up on my dreams several times and tried to think of something else but I keep coming back to the thought of it and I keep on wondering, how will I know if it’ll work or not if I don’t at least try?

Life here in Perth, is not for me. I don’t like the culture, there isn’t one. I didn’t grow up in this town. I belong in a place with a vibrant culture, like Japan or Seoul. Or even Indonesia. Where there is always something to do and look forward to, and beautiful places to explore. I just… I just wish I could pursue in something I’m passionate about. I’m slowly losing touch of my inner creativity and I try so hard to push it aside to face reality but it keeps coming back to me.

I walked straight into a relationship like as if I’m ready to settle down.

But I’m not..

At least, not until I can pursue something that’s meaningful to me and I can give my utmost passion into it.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

So I got promoted to Full Time at my job. I’m so happy. Finally I can say I did well and am able to contribute steadily to our joint account. And finally, I’ve proven tht I really didn’t need to go to uni nd waste 4 yrs to may or may not have a job after owing thousands of uni fees cz here I am:...

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

6/feb/15

"I don’t care about you anymore" “I’m tired of you” “I’m tired of your bullshit”

All because I didn’t wanna go out to club bcz I just finished work nd I have work again in the morning tomorrow. I went with him after work to drink with his mates, I thought that’d be enough. But as always, after a few drinks, he says he won’t be mean. But he was. He was awful. I told him he can go with his friends nd I’ll pick him up after but he said I was being bitchy. So I told him fine we’ll go cz i’d rather us go nd me be tired than us go home nd him whining about not going. He saw that as me being bitchy.

Then he said those two sentences. “I’m tired of your bullshit” “I don’t care about you anymore” then he ran off nd said “watch me get hit I’m gonna start a fight with someone”. I had to yell out loud to him to stop. Stop it. But he threatened to do it again. All because I didn’t want to go out. He made the point that he works 5 days straight nd I don’t. He made sure I understood that I don’t work 5 days a week. I don’t provide for us. That my decision to not go out was selfish. Me.

What did I do wrong? Am I being too hard on him? Should I have just agreed in the first place so this could’ve been avoided? What did I do wrong? I applied for more jobs this morning even though for the past few days, I’ve been feeling very weak in the mornings. And I told him that. I’m sorry that I’m not good enough to provide for us. I’m sorry I don’t have a full-time job to ease the pressure for the new house loan. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. But I honestly thought this year we’d be better. I was so sure he’d be better. After meeting dad and all. I thought.. Was I being too hopeful? The pressure from work has strained him. Maybe I am a bitch for not going out with him. Maybe I am selfish..

But he scared me. He really scared me. How could he just ran off and threaten to get hit all because I didn’t want to go out? How could someone be like that? Why? What did I do that was so bad? What?

Then he called me a gold digger...

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. I’m bound in this relationship for the rest of my life whether I like it or not. And I can't even BEGIN to know how it all came to this except he ruined me. He mentally ruined me. And it will always be my fault right..

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

24 = Together Forever.

24: XXIV {my favourite number, the number i will give to my favourite person, and that person will be my favourite because we will be to(2)gether for(4)ever.}

that person is none other than the man i wake up to every morning. the man i make coffee for in the morning. the man i rush to the grocery store for to buy ingredients for the food to make sure his energy is restored and that he is well fed.  the man i come home to. the man that gave me butterflies the first three weeks of being with him. the man i cant wait to return to when i am away from him.  the man who gave me the love i needed.

my man. S.G. <3

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

i miss him.

i miss him like crazy.

i've never missed anyone as severe as i miss him right now.

i want him in my arms.

i want him to dash me past the bridge to get to the car faster because the weather is too cold for me.

i want him to meet me at the train station so we can go on the long train ride home together.

i want him to hold my hand as we drive home.

i want him here with me now.

the smell of his perfume i wear to comfort me in return saddens me because he's not here.

i can't concentrate, i've lost my appetite, everywhere i go i imagine him next to me but he is not.

i miss him terribly, severely, heart-achingly.

my tears run wild but i have to tame them.

i mustn't cry.

i must be strong.

he'll be home soon.

i'll be a good girl until then.

i have to distract myself.

no.

i don't want to.

i want him here.

holding me

kissing me.

embracing me.

i want to wake up and see the love of my life the first moment i open my eyes.

it's lonely without him.

i have to hold back my tears now.

i have to continue on for a bit now.

he'll be calling me soon.

i want to know that he landed safely.

i just want him to be safe and happy.

i miss him.

i love him.

tremendously.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

i like to think, well, believe that i have a very good understanding of myself; a very clear introspective. after all that's happened to me, i learnt to look deep into myself and reflect and understand why things are the way they are.

but then, when i'm with him, i feel like all that i know is back to level zero; like a whole new blank book. it's not that i don't know, i know, but it's as if i'm seeing things with another real perspective in mind rather than just thinking about another perspective. 

and one thing he's made me realise more about myself (though i've somewhat felt it in me before), was that i really do have a hard time moving on from something i was so attached to. With Cory, though i know we don't talk at all now, i still hold onto the memories we've had and that's why i find it very hard to replace her with another 'best friend'. i am very careful with who i label as what, because she really was my best friend. but i think now my best friend, and more like a sister too, is actually, none other than Fanna.

I've been avoiding the thought that someone else would/could replace someone whom i thought of so fondly. But the real truth is that, she has also found someone else. so why haven't i? she's moved on, and i was understanding of that, so why do i still hold on to her? it's not like i'm denying that our memories were great. it was great, but now i have to think about myself and move on.

but every time i look down at my wrist, at the golden bracelet she gave me for my 15th birthday, i realise.... that was 5 years ago. i'm still stuck living my life as if 5 years hadn't passed by. and it makes me sad. i want to move on but i'm finding it so hard to take off the bracelet that's holding me back. i feel like i need to see her once more to finally move on. because i promised that i'd go back to visit her, and i haven't done so. i feel like there's no closure or anything because when the news came for me to move to Perth, it was all very sudden.

I still remember clearly in my mind our days of laughter, and pain, and all that happened during our friendship, but yet, my mind had automatically erased most, if not, all that happened during my time in Wanneroo and onwards until the very last two months of last year.

I don't want to be the kind of girl who needs someone to pick up her 'broken pieces'. I can lick my own wounds. I am not so weak that i need someone else to rely on. but i am just human. and humans work interdependently. it doesn't hurt to hold on to someone who is offering their hand to you. it doesn't make you any less stronger. it just makes you even more loved, because that person cares to offer you their hand.

this year is a whole new year for me. and i'm not just saying that because it's only just January. i mean that i have someone in my life now that i truly like and care for. someone that shook my world and scattered my plans but still made me feel very secure. i'm excited, but also scared. scared to start anew, scared to let go, but excited to see what it means to have someone in my life, as it is a whole new experience for me, and very thrilling at that too!

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

I just realised.. He’s the only guy who isn’t attracted to me because of my talents. My fruitless talents. He liked me for me. And that’s already like a whole new world to me. It’s a nice change, definitely.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

With every week that we meet, we grow stronger. Our bond is rapidly growing along with how intimate we become. He says that it’s a little scary how fast we’re going, as it’s not how we mutually agreed on; a more slower pace.

But I cannot restrain my passion for him. Though no doubt I am still a little fragile to him, he too cannot deny his passion for me.

As each week we grow closer and stronger, the reality of the world outside ours comes closer. I don’t want to think about the possibilities of us falling apart, though it was what we initially agreed on, that things will get harder to deal with soon. I’ve fallen far too much for him to surrender to the world outside our haven.

We are still not calling it a relationship. There is too much commitment in one and we’d have to take a step back, so he believes. And I somewhat agree. Though the feelings are growing and molding fittingly into what people would call a relationship, it is not yet one. Not an official one anyway.

I think I am just happy to leave it as the way it is now. No need for the filing or labelling or whatever people do with two people who are intimately close. I’m happy to just be the way we are and as long as it is with him. I choose only him.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

26th January 2014

"Take  it off" he said.

Well now that would just be too easy, wouldn’t it? Tempting, but far too easy. So I decided to tease him by untying my top undergarment and covering my bosom instead with my black silky dress robe, wearing them backwards.

"That’s not fair" he said, "don’t be mean." I laughed even more knowing that I had all that power to make a man urge for something so desperately. Little by little i lowered my black silky dress robe covering my bosom until it reached the very top before i could reveal all, humming and moving my body accordingly.

"You’re mean" he said, "I will take it off, you know that."

Just try. I then took it to another level and this time, I decided to wear the robe properly, where the front opens revealing the middle part of my body. I then took his right hand and held it against my bare chest, leading it downwards just until it was the same level as my bosom when i stopped and laughed. It was far too easy to tease him then.

Then I took it a step further and laid next to him on the bed and threw away my dress robe. "You can look, but you cannot touch." I laid there, my back bare with nothing left but my bottom undergarment. "Now if I just cover my bottom half with the blanket, it will give the illusion that i’m fully naked." I teased him even more.

"Now you’re just being mean." he said. I laughed, ”Men are so easy.” And without notice, I felt his presence close to mine, warm. And suddenly his lips were pressing against my bare back and followed along with it were his fingers caressing my body, as if leading his lips down the track of my spine.

I froze. Feelings of ecstasy and astonishment rushed everywhere inside of me, as if thunderbolt had hit me and sent shockwaves all across my body. Just when I thought that I couldn’t feel anything better than what I already felt, he proceeded to surprise me even further with such a sensation that I never thought I could ever feel.

His lips then followed up to my neck and across me. Not fair, now look who’s being mean. I gestured him to lay on top of me, and he took over like a lion making his way with his prey.

"Take me" Our breathing now was heavy and I was ready, it was the moment. Anytime now.

"I won’t, we can just fool around now, we’ll wait until the right time." Now that was mean.

And so, like the gentleman that he is, he softly calmed the fiery shockwave flowing through my veins and purging them from my bloodstream.

But not to say all actions were completely halted that night ;)

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

I think I know now.. why people prefer to be alone. Though they don't like it and want so badly not to be, they just know it's better that way. The constant worry of not wanting to hurt the person they care for, they would rather hurt themselves by being alone and let their love be known only to themselves. Because what if, unintentionally, they hurt the one they care about and try so hard not to but in trying not to they hurt them anyway. And it doesn't matter how much they like a person, if once they understood that their lives are just too different and both are heading to two entirely different paths, but they want so badly to be with the person, how then will they tell that person that it cannot be and at the same time still try to accept the reality that they cannot be? Constantly worrying and aware that no matter how much they like the person, at the end of it all it would not last. And that's what scares them.. I so badly want to love yet I am scared to. I had never planned on a life with someone else in it, though I've dreamt it, I was never prepared for it. I'm so used to planning what I should do with my own life that when someone else arrived, everything's scattered. All my plan scatters and now I don't know what to do, and I'm trying so hard to keep things together but everything I believe in falls apart when I think of him. With him I feel that time stops. And in that time, I'm free. I've entered a whole new world, a world that I know not of. Like a newborn baby I crawl holding onto him, and then slowly, like a child, I learn what it means to be in this world. I want to explore more of this world, but my own world is banging and slowly crashing into this precious world of ours, not allowing me the luxury of time to grow and learn more.. Why is it, that when I seek love, I don't receive it. But when I stop looking and make a plan for my life to go on without it, it suddenly appears? Why is my life so miserable? It's not fair on him. It's not..

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

VIP..

너때문에 난 눈물이 빠졌어. 이제 두번째 시간이야 . 울어 싫어. 그만.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

Stunning Micheal Jackson black ball pen drawing of Mickey Mouse on paper. Signed by the King of Pop “Love” with initial of his name and dated to 1994.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

We're both aiming for too different things in our lives. I aim to be a mother figure to all the children of the world. I aim to travel, to teach, and I'm aiming to start now. You're already on your own path, of which I cannot follow, I cannot be in. Though two people may be near, if not completely, perfect for one another, it doesn't always mean they can be together. I don't want to play with your feelings and I don't want to hurt you. We had fun didn't we? We made the most of our time, however little it was, together. Let's just think of our time together as a good one. Because it really was. But not all things last, and the time to end it is coming soon. Let's make the most of whatever time we have left until we must part.

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

If you say that seven hours walk is too long to walk for two families of patients, you’re saying that their lives matter less than some others. And the idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that’s wrong with the world.

Dr. Paul Farmer, the great humanitarian health worker in Haiti and other countries around the world. (via isaraphael)

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

Watching the moon at dawn, solitary, mid-sky, I knew myself completely. No part left out.

Izumi (via isaraphael)

[awakemewithakiss-blog]

So, things went smoother than I thought it would. I thought I would have to go all deep with them but turns out they were ok with me moving out. I guess my mind really does just think too much sometimes. Well, i guess it's always best to be prepared than not. I now only feel sorry for my mum. I see the sadness in her eyes and in her voice. Like a part of her soul had taken flight, way beyond her reach. I guess this is the aftermath of Keny's sudden relocation. The heat has yet to cool. I wasn't wrong to worry and be unsure whether my news would bring further sadness, but thank goodness it was only unnecessary worry. Still, it is a big step for me. For all of us. But a good big step. A step to my new chapter in life.