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I, too, Remember the feeling.

You are caught in between all and that was and all that must be.

You feel lost.

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Just this morning I saw an article posted in one of my friend’s social media wall. I have not been diagnosed properly and I don’t know if I have the same Disorder. Sleepless and restlessness with anxiety attack. I even have to drink 1-3 bottles of alcohol everyday just to calm and put myself into bed. “Traumatic Stress Disorder” It gotten a lot worse as time passes by. A lot, lot worse. Paranoia, Delusion. My thoughts were becoming obsessed on the thoughts of pain. I got tired pleasing everyone, of being not good enough, for the stigma and not meeting the standards. The crippling thoughts & anxiety overwhelmed me. My thoughts have this unique affinity to “not being good enough” maybe the reason why people left me.

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I want to share everything about me for them to understand where I am coming from, I want to tell everything straight but I don’t know how and where to start. I am afraid that they might turn their back the moment they will meet the demon living inside of me. So I am writing this letter for I know that my mouth will betray me. I am not fond of sharing my whereabouts and this is the only way I can express myself, in writing. As much as I want to tell the reasons of my scars, I wish that this won’t reach you.

I am a rebel and a suicidal. I started to have this anxiety when I was 6 years old. I have experienced all the pain at very young age. I have seen how my dad cheated over my mom, how he fucked up those girls he brought home when my mom is away and working, I have seen how he beaten my mom when he’s drunk. The fear I felt grew into anger. Then it was then the demons visited me. First in my dreams then it goes on and on. I already forgave my dad as much as my mom want us to free ourselves from hatred. But I can’t forgive myself throughout the years. I can’t forgive myself for keeping my damn mouth shut because of fear. The fear of losing what I have and losing myself in the process. But, I chose to bury everything inside of me. I died a long time ago. I tried to cover up the darkness inside me and made a fool out of myself. I thought I am okay, that I am happy and that I have moved on. No one recognized my existence. I have lived my life under the shadows but I don’t pity myself despite I am even thankful. I didn’t realized that it went deeper down through my soul as I grew older.

When I was in College I tried to end up my life because I can’t handle the voices inside my head. I was so afraid to close my eyes every night because the pain is killing me. I tried so hard to fought the demon and I had no one to console me. Just then when I met God. My insomnia left me quiet sometime as I get closer to the Holy Spirit. I was confused between the love and the comfort. I prayed to God to take away the pain with the promise that I will surrender everything into Him. But the demon knew my weakness. I had to serve only one King and I chose the latter part.

Months before my graduation I was notified that I might not graduate on time due to my pending thesis. I was hopeless and the anxiety visited me again. I was drowned into frustration. I asked help from my Professor and I underwent Counseling. I took sleeping pills and found other means to survived life. There are times that I locked up myself in cell with the thought of killing myself. I graduated College. I survived. Then I walked into the hall of shame as I entered the world outside my comfort zone and then reality slap me on my face.

I found my comfort in alcohol. I am in my happiest when I am sober. It made me happy. I had everything in my hand. I control my whole life but I have no destination to come. I am nowhere to be found. I have travelled a long way. I am lost in the deep sea. My life is fucked up even before. With so many people to please and with the new environment, I was not happy but then I had to get a job that can pay my bills and can sustain my schooling. I worked myself real hard to be in my place today. With no one to support me mentally & emotionally.

I got tired. I longed for someone to carry my burden for me to rest my soul.  I run away. I paid the consequences for almost 2 years. 2 years of yearning myself back. I needed someone to help me out. No one heard me screaming.

With so much pain to handle I decided to left everything behind. I sufficed and learned to control the demon who lives within me. I even befriended with it. I felt the pleasure with my scars and that I learned how to gamble with life. I have nothing to lose in the first place so I am putting everything at one stake. But then God must have heard me. He guided my path and lit my way. I saw his footsteps. I started to build my walls higher and higher and guarded my heart. People started to earn my trust through given effort, affection and love. I learned how to love in many ways. I started to trust myself and love my imperfections. I embraced mistakes and failures. Time heals everything and I buried it all.

But to deal with anxiety isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I thought I can handle it very well. But I can’t. I’m trying my best to make you understand the situation I am into but I don’t know how can I  explain it to you without me breaking myself into pieces. I am vulnerable and I can’t stand to deal with this dilemma.

I have to deal with the feeling of pain that it causes me every time.

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Financial Executive na may Dugong Sosyolohista

To start with I want to share my profile and experiences, NOT to brag but to I give a background as to where I’m coming from.

I took Bachelor of Arts Major in Sociology and I graduated in year 2015 at Mindanao State University wherein the prime vision and mission is to be globally competitive university and to provide competent human resources for the development and to help improve the living conditions. With Core Values, Respect for others acting with Integrity, Service to people and pursuing Excellence.

I have held a position as President in my last term at Sociology Club Organization and have been an active member in different organizations with the advocacy of Socialism. During the process, some wrongly accused us and even tagged us negatively because we fought what we believe in and that they simply don’t understand our actions. Who would love to stand under the heat of the sun with placards on our hand while hoping that the concern group/people may heard our voices? They can’t put into context why we have to participate in rallies which is well organized by the organization and of course with consent from professors. They don’t understand why we conduct immersions to extend our help when in fact we needed a support too.

I’ve learned from that University that Humanity is important above all and as an individual person we have to exercise our freedom of speech in just and rightful way and to involve ourselves with concerns about as to what is happening in our society. Why? Because it’s our obligation as a citizen and everything that is happening around us will affect our daily living from the smallest unit of the society which is the family to different institutions such as Religion, Education, Economy & Government.

After a year of earning my freedom from a student life, I have dealt with adult life and of course been into existential crisis because opportunities are few and in order to survive I found other ways to make a living. I’ve been in a Marketing Department for almost 3 years while practicing my degree as a part time instructor in St. Alexius College thus I ended it in first term because I pursued Education.

Today I am a Financial Executive/BankAssure under AXA Philippines with responsibilities of determining ways to improve financial performance, to help with budgeting and tax planning ,and offer ways to increase profits while cutting costs. In short, “Yes! I’m dealing with Variable Universal Life Insurance” and it is true that my presentation is concerned with Health, Retirement Fund, Educational Plan, Life Protection and Investment and I pledge guilty that my primary interest is to earn a profit out of it. Of course! That’s the reason why I work hard. To make a living and can be a help to my family. BUT I genuinely express my concern everytime I talk to my clients. I don’t simply present my products but I always go through a different phases in dealing with them. “To look through beyond a magnifying glass” That’s the common phrase I always instill within me. I have to build a rapport and to know their stories for me to address what they needed most. It’s not all about me being a Financial Executive and them as my client. IT IS MORE THAN THAT! And it even took me a long time to close a deal. It’s not a career anyone can look down.

“All of these financial needs, time is important. Because anything can happen anytime. With our present system dito sa bayan natin ang bagal ng proseso. Dapat sabay ang call or action for Systemic change” I have read this in the comment section under the wall post of a Sociology Professor I look up to.

I believe that in order to make a change, as an individual what we can offer is to start within ourselves. "Universal healthcare, Improvement of the public health system, universal access to education, & comprehensive retirement benefits for all citizens", this is for the Government to address in General but what we can offer as Financial Executive is to advocate Financial Awareness.

One has to function to provide us with a system and platform to work together for the betterment of the world. With the collective efforts of the Society, we are able to improve our living and social conditions.

“If and Only” every individual Filipino knows how to manage their finances as well as they are capable to be a productive citizen in our society (We are advancing due to collective social efforts). I think the system will really change thus Peace and Unity can be attain.

This reminds me that in whatever path I take or in wherever life will put me in,

I always go back to the principles of Life and Humanity.

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Listen through the silence, your heart is still beating, it’s not the end yet.

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Back at it again with the songs in my playlist, seated beside the bus window, chased the sun, tasted the bitter-sweet coffee & bloodstained.

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"I find it really hard to open up my world and to be comfortable with just anyone. I live my life differently and I am too complicated to deal with and only few can understand why. So whenever someone is throwing me questions and when I find it too personal to dig in, I feel like I can’t even say the words I so desperately want to say. It’s because these words mean so much that saying them, means giving a part of me. And there is nothing easy about that, there is nothing light-hearted about sharing myself with someone. It’s the hardest thing in the world to lay myself open to another person.

It's not that I don't want to, but more of I don't trust myself. I fall in love with words that lay heavy on someone’s heart because those words actually mean something to me, and make me feel something that I have yet to find a way to explain.

And I shouldn’t feel that way."

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Sadness. Sometimes it speaks me through the sound of the rain, the way it hit me through the lyrics of a song, or through the feelings turned into words. Sometimes, it kisses me deep without having to introduce its presence. I must admit that there are countless times that I wanted to give in but I have to live with it no matter what.

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Mindanaoan ako ngunit hindi sakop ang aming lugar sa kaguluhang nagaganap sa Mindanao. Noong kabataan ko takot din ako sa mga ilaga. Takot ako sa tuwing napapadaan ako sa grupo ng mga sibilyan na may hawak na kung ano-anong plaka at sumisigaw ng karapatang pantao sa kalye at sa harapan ng ahensya ng gubyerno. Takot ako sa tuwing may napapabalitang may riot sa ibang parte ng aming pulo kung kaya ay takot din akong makiusap sa mga taong naka Hijab. Sa aking pagkakatanda ay bilang lamang ang mga naging kaibigan kong Muslim hanggang nakatapos ako ng Sekondarya. Hindi dahil sa ayaw ko sa kanila kundi dahil nabalot ng takot ang aking kabataan. Madalas kong marinig ang mga himig patungkol sa kaguluhan at minimithiing kalayaan para sa Mindanao. Kinalakihan ko ang aral mula sa iilang artikulo na nababasa ko mula sa nakatambak na libro kung kaya ganun na lang ang interes ko patungkol sa kasaysayan ng Filipino, ng Kristyano at mga Moro. Ng tumuntong ako ng kolehiyo ay nabuksan hindi lamang ang aking isipan kundi pati ang aking mga mata sa tunay na katayuan ng Sosyudad. "Iba sa napasukan kong unibersidad. Malaya ang isip. May kalayaan ipahayag ang nais kong panindigan at hindi iyon bawal. Doon namulat ako sa mga isyung panlipunan. Natatalakay ang isyung may kinalaman sa kahirapan, politika, sa mga manggagawa, sa militarisasyon sa kanyunan, at sa giyera sa Mindanao"-Colon. Ibang-iba sa MSU. Lubos ko ring naintindihan at sinapuso ang pagkakaisa. Hindi lamang sa kapwa ko Kristyano kundi maging sa kapatid nating Muslim at Lumad. May iilang pagkakataon ding napasama ako sa grupo ng mga ralyesta. Iilan lamang ito sa mga grupong tinutulungan ng aming pang akademyang organisasyon. Hindi para masabing pumapapel lang kami ngunit mas nais naming makatulong higit sa anuman. Narinig ko ang mga himig na matagal ng pinagsasawalang bahala at hindi binibigyang halaga. Kung nung una ay napapataas ang aking kilay ng kalaunan ay nilalasap ko na rin ang pait dala ng sabayang pagdaloy ng pawis at luha. Lubos na kaawa-awa lalo na ang mga manggagawa. Apat na taon din akong aktibo na sumasama sa mga Immersion at Community Service. Hindi ko malilimutan ang mga liblib na Sitio na aming napasok. Hindi na abot ng sibilisasyon at higit na mahirap ang takbo ng buhay. Walang kable ng kuryente at limitado ang pinagkukunan ng tubig. May nakausap akong mga rebeldeng nagbalik loob sa gubyerno. Mga Lumad na nakikipaglaban sa kumpanya ng Minahan. Mga biktima ng Kalamidad, Martial Law at kaguluhan ng Mindanao at doon ko naipinta ang tunay na kulay ng mundo. Hindi ito bahaghari.

Minsan may nagtanong sa akin "Bakit gusto mong maging guro? Kailangan ba talagang malaman ng susunod na Henerasyon ang mga usaping pampolitika at sosyolohiya?" Liban sa maging guro ay gusto ko rin makapagsulat ng libro hindi lamang patungkol sa Mindanao kundi pati na rin sa nagkikislapang kalawakan.

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I met Pain right after Love left. It wasn’t the kind of stranger who silently sits beside you in a park bench. It’s the kind that robs you, but this Pain I met didn’t have the guts to suddenly snatch any happiness I have left in me that same day. Instead, it befriended me and since I was submerged in sadness, I accepted Pain wholeheartedly. I guess, when you invite Pain to dinner every night, it starts to think it’s family and begins to refrain from hurting you- after all, family doesn’t hurt you, right?

Soon, I became accustomed to Pain’s presence that I begun to think I might not be able to live without it anymore. It got accustomed to me as well that it started to beg me to stay home.

One day, it even brought a friend with it, Loneliness. I wouldn’t say they’re fun to be with but they certainly help you get through the day. I’m comfortable beside them. I can cry when I’m with them, I can laugh for no reason, and we even invented a lot of games like “Name Someone You Love Who Doesn’t Love You Back” or “Ten Years From Now, What Kind of Loser Are You?”

Everything was going well until Pain started to demand more of me. I fed it with my broken dreams but when it had nothing left to eat, it begun to eat my broken heart as well. Eventually, Pain grew into Suffering and I was left to wonder why I let it.

-// S.J.M.

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I feel like I’m in the wrong world. ‘Cause I don’t belong in a world where we don’t end up together. I don’t. There are parallel universes out there where this didn’t happen. Where I was with you, and you were with me. And whatever universe that is that’s the one where my heart lives in. - Comet, 2014