awesomephilosophus

[awesomephilosophus]

I like to imagine Dick just drops information about his life like how Alexis does in Schitt’s Creek, and the batfam is just like whaaaa, but he cuts them off before they can ask more questions.

*They just rescued Dick who has been held hostage for months*

Dick: So, this is weird. Today kinda marks the longest kidnapping I’ve had.

Tim: Kinda.

Dick: Yeah. The actual longest kidnapping I’ve been involved in was a three month kidnapping. But for the last two months of that I was debating becoming his apprentice to save my friends. Anyway-

*Bruce is forcing everyone to play two truths and a lie because he read that it was a good bonding opportunity*

Dick: My eyes are green. My suit is blue and black. And one time, I was stuck in the desert for a week with a random baby and I was able to get the baby to safety, but the two people I was with couldn’t make it very far.

Bruce: This is supposed to be easy, Dick.

Alfred: His eyes are blue, Master Bruce.

*Jason was kidnapped and it took longer than usual to find him*

Dick: Ever since Jason went back to his apartment you guys have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time I was taken hostage by Joker for weeks and no one answered my calls?

Everyone is too flabbergasted and Dick changes the subject so fast they can’t even ask him questions.

__________

[awesomephilosophus]

Hmm I was feeling cruel, so here are more jay sketches -

[awesomephilosophus]

A lil practice in perspective with this piece mostly, so here's Howl and Sophie, who I designed based 50/50 on their book and movie counterparts! I actually would love to revisit this piece and paring in the future, since the book is one of my all time favs

[awesomephilosophus]

Jason: You've heard of elf on a shelf, now I give you-

Jason with a dramatic arm flourish to Tim in the batchair: Tim Drake still awake!

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Sylus: “ You’ve been staring for a while. Where will you start?”

MC: *drops camera*

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MC: Fine, you can kill them but it has to look like an accident.

Sylus: Say no more.

[Later]

Police: Looks like the killer beat them to death with a crowbar and placed a banana peel by the victim's feet.

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Peppermint Brownies

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Pink Peppermint Chocolate Fudge Pie

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Stephanie: Why is Cass not on the schedule for Tuesday night?

Bruce: 'Cause I can't have you patrolling together on those slow nights anymore.

Stephanie: What? Why?

Bruce: Because all you do is stand on the rooftops talking, not running routes or watching your suspects.

Stephanie: That is not true. We always get our stuff done.

Tim: No, it gets done because I do it.

Stephanie: Did you complain to Bruce, Tim?

Bruce: It doesn't matter. The fact is, you and Cass work better when you don't work together.

Stephanie: I am SO mad at you.

Tim: How do you think I feel? Every Tuesday night it's you, Cass, and me, and I do seventy-five percent of the work while you guys talk about true crime podcasts.

Stephanie: You're such a hater.

Cass: Why am I not on Tuesday next week?

Stephanie: Because Tim is a baby.

Bruce: You and Steph aren't allowed to patrol together anymore unless it's a Friday or Saturday night.

Cass: What? You can't do that.

Bruce: I'm literally your dad.

Stephanie: So you're making me work with Tim and Duke every Tuesday night?

Bruce: I can't make you do anything. You're free to explore other vigilante opportunities. Maybe you'll find some other place that'll put up with your shenanigans.

Stephanie: I'll be back. Come on, Cass.

Stephanie and Cass: *leave*

Tim: Way to stay strong, Bruce.

Bruce: Well, I find that, as a father, you have to be firm. They'll be fine, you'll see.

Duke: Hey, Bruce, Steph just gave me tickets to a taping of The Voice on Tuesday night so Cass is gonna patrol for me.

Bruce: Stephanie!

[awesomephilosophus]

Crow family Pt. Sylus is doing his JOB (as a dad)

Sylus, on the phone: Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.

Sylus, to the teacher: Anyways, you said my twins are enjoying finger painting! That's great.

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Baklava Cheesecake

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He’s a little overwhelmed you could say

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Pov: You're a Gotham criminal in December

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Chicken Tikka Masala with Naan Bread

[awesomephilosophus]

Tim: im at the point where I don't even think a lobotomy would affect me

Tim: im also at the point where I think we should give it a try, just to see what happens (:

[awesomephilosophus]

Dick Grayson:

*runs the titans*

*works for the league*

*has a day job*

*solo patrols bludhaven*

*solo patrols New York*

*on call 24/7 for regularly scheduled Gotham crisis(es)*

*training at least 40% of new gen heroes at any given moment*

*infiltrating the current annoying cult, corrupt gov, spy organization, company, mafia group, evil underground ancestral foundations of a city and random corrupt modeling industry*

*monitoring drug pedaling in 3 cities*

*emotionally regulating 80% of his family bc why would they do it themselves? Nah let’s just ruin relationships for fun -cough Bruce cough-*

* maintaining civilian cover*

*canonically does volunteer work*

I am beginning to think nightwing doesn’t have anger issues he’s just overstimulated bc wtf

Like Dick take a break what is this?

————

Dick currently working on infiltrating the mob, after 4 days of 6+ hour patrols bc bludhaven has no chill an Arkham breakout, a performance review at work that took too long, organizing a titans outer space mission, just got back from training Jon Kent: no one call me plz god no one call me I can’t do this I have so much work no one. Call me plz

*phone rings* -it’s tim

He could ignore it but last time he left Tim alone for a month the dumbass lost his spleen and decided a cowl was a fashion choice (equally bad in his opinion)

Dick picking up the phone with his non broken arm: yello

Tim: so I accidentally maybe got kidnapped and maybe also started a cult around the concept of Batman and I’m out of energy drinks. (All equally dire in tims opinion)

Dick popping 4 caffeine pills: shut up I’ll be there in 30 don’t DO ANYTHing.

—————

Jason: sooo I might be engaged to an alien princess

Dick about to pop a Xanax: tell me it’s Kori or at least in this galaxy

Jason: nope

Dick: …. Can it wait

Jason: she wants to eat me, their species is like a praying mantis knockoff but with space and mind control.

Dick: yeah okay give me an hour I’ll call raven

————

Damian: hello Richard

Dick: what did you do.

Damian: I have been kidnapped by my mother

Dick: again

Damian: I feel it would be redundant to say anything

Dick: …….. alright I’ll call the nearest flying hero be there in a bit… keep ur spine where it is Damian or I swear to god-

——————

Bruce: cult

Dick who just got done with an undercover mission: anddd?

Bruce: we need someone to infiltrate it

Dick: I swear to god I. will. hurt. you

Bruce: hnnnn

——-

Babs: I have… acquired a child

Dick who is fighting deathstroke : …okayyyy

Babs who is watching the fight: she’s a little bit … traumatized

Dick, dodging a katana: preaching to the choir

Babs: can you do your whole, human empathy and kindness tell me ur life story I have puppy dog eyes.

Dick: ….

Babs: you owe me

Dick: … one day I will delete all your numbers and disappear

Babs cheerfully: you know no matter where you go I can find you hunk wonder see you in 3 hours don’t die before then!

[awesomephilosophus]

everytime tim pisses off jason jason's like "first you steal my fucking job, now this?!" and tim goes "i didn't STEAL robin, you were DEAD and the position needed to be FILLED." and then jason says "but when i stopped being dead you didn't give it BACK. when an office worker gets a replacement so they can go on maternity leave the replacement is supposed to FUCK OFF once the maternity leave ENDS." and tim argues "YOU WEREN'T ON FUCKING MATERNITY LEAVE JASON" and jason screams back equally loud "WELL I DISAPPEARED FOR AROUND NINE MONTHS AND THEN SHOWED BACK UP WITH DAMIAN WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!" and then tim leaping strikes him off a 6 story building