awetos

[awetos]

Blog 1.22.23

Game's Devlog update here: https://imgur.com/a/sOHCI3c

I was going to type out my usual thoughts and stuff on the thread, but decided not to, because that's literally what this blog is for. I have no idea why people followed me but hallo. *waves* welcome to my brain dump.

I decided to take meditation much more seriously. I worried about school, work, my game, my habits, etc. and then I thought, I'm ALWAYS going to be worrying about something. If I got into university, I'd worry about my classes and later, getting a job. If I got a job, I'd later worry about keeping it, the responsibilities and deadlines. I'm always going to worry. So I shouldn't place that much importance anymore on those things. I get to decide what I place importance on. I decided it would be meditation. Every day, I will treat meditation religiously. Literally, you must treat it like a religious duty. We can't prove the benefits right away, but meditation helps your life tremendously. It builds up over time - and only if you keep at it. You must have faith in it to keep doing it every day and consistently. I believe it will help me have more focus and optimism. I use mindfulness to combat negative thoughts of giving up or overwhelm for my gamedev.

I've just come to blog that I bumped up the usual 20 minutes 2x a day to trying out for 30 minutes and later, 40 minutes. It made all the difference. I was able to detach from my emotions long enough to do an errand I'd been putting off, and in the evening - wow, that's the one I came to blog about. I truly, truly, began to feel the effects of transcendence when I increased how long I meditated. That's the feeling I was seeking. It's almost like a benign disassociation, or a deliberate one. Anyway, wow. My mind was so quiet, so clear, after that. I had ran, I had taken a cold shower, I had sat still in the dark and on the floor, upright, eyes closed, in the quietness. What an amazing time. I've decided to worship boredom and silence in my household. If you don't have control over your focus and your mind, you don't even have ownership to your life. And in this life, that's all we can really have.

I feel like my brain truly enters another wavelength when I do it, and I remembered I have a Muse headband I can wear next time and see if my brainwaves really change!

I feel so blessed. I have so much of my life I find interesting but I don't think other people are interested in it, so I will just blog about it. Like for example, I think the me of 10 years ago would be in a coma if she found out how decked out my running is now! I decided to try wearing my noise canceling headphones while running and I was in another dimension! So much bliss and joy. I didn't hear my loud treadmill nor did I fear annoying my neighbors with my music! Then I could focus on just running. And 10 years ago, I didn't have a treadmill, I didn't have my own place, I didn't even have the correct athletic attire. I was wearing ill-fitting and shabby clothes. I didn't even have a smartphone to play music on, let alone noise canceling headphones! I didn't the internet speed necessary to stream music! I had the same 7 or 10 songs downloaded on a knock off mp3 player with shitty headphones. I didn't even have an armband to hold it while running outside.

The past me would be deceased knowing how cushy I had it now! Why romanticize the past, when we can see how much has changed for the better? While I feel like when I think so much of this stuff is interesting, it would be narcissistic to bring it up in a conversation, so I can at least talk about it here in a blog for anyone interested - cause, I think it is a great idea to compare how much we've improved compared to the past!

While I have your attention rambling here, you MUST ! you MUSSTTTT try meditation. I can't believe before I knew other people are proud to do it just 1 minute, just 10 minutes a day and consider it a push, I actively enjoy it and used to think 1hr to 3hr+ was normal. I wish I wasn't tainted by people complaining that it's a hassle to fit it into their schedule. If anything, today I had the thought that life should be wrapped around meditation. The purpose of life is to live, and to thoroughly live and be present, you must be aware. I suppose that's why people really do become monks, because they want to dedicate their lives to it. Thinking about focusing on meditation every day of my life is so peaceful. It is not as scary anymore worrying "will I be homeless if I can't find a job or go to university?" Now I take it one day at a time, meditating. I had another thought today I'd like to share with the world too. I thought, "The one rule of life is this: 'Don't worry about it.' " That's the answer to life. For anything we worry about, we literally just don't have to worry about it. We were not here to worry. And for anyone who doesn't know me, I used to spend years of my life in a benzo-dependence haze, and it was through the salvation of vigorous mental training that I could become drug free.

Because, when we worry, look, either the thing we worry about doesn't happen, or it gets solved. Or it happens anyway, but you ruin the present moment by worrying about it. So in all three outcomes, worrying doesn't do anything but make you feel bad. You don't need to worry to make efforts to change things. That's the lie worrying tells us. Our thoughts are built to help us survive, not to feel good. If anything, being in a blissful and happy state encourages you to expend more effort to make the necessary steps. I must fight this entropy every day by mental training. I wouldn't even call it discipline. It's so harsh to call it that. I'd say it's self love to be disciplined. I value my life too much to let my mind wander.

So that's that. Idk if anyone will read this, probably future me! I have been thinking about the passage of time a lot lately, how mortal we are, how quickly days change. As old as I am, as much as I'm nostalgic, at the same time, I'll never be this young again, so I shouldn't take any day for granted :)

I just really want to reiterate again how enjoyable meditation is, and how after I did the 40 minutes one, it was like putting on noise canceling headphones for my thoughts! It was insane. I was able to swat away any thoughts not related to what I needed to do so easily. But after not even 40 minutes it wore off already. I want to dive again tomorrow, and maybe this supremely quietening effect will last longer and longer until my life is saturated in the consciousness! And yes, I'm aware, I probably sound pretentious or egotistical, I try not to be, but if that's how I come off, I can't help it. I just really want to share my thoughts.

[awetos]

The Labor Is The Reward

 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; 13 also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.

I couldn't find the exact verse I was thinking of, but while researching Biblical views on labor to boost motivation last year, it said something about how the fruits of our labor belong to the Lord, but the labor belong to us.

At first glance you think, "Ah, it's telling us to be humble and dedicate our work to the Lord and other people." Yet, I couldn't accept that. The ego in us strives for self serving, wanting the rewards for ourselves despite the advice that we should believe the reward belongs to the Lord, the world and other people. Why do any work if it doesn't bring us anything at all?

It's as if labor and its reward is like a muffin, and God is taking away the best parts (the riches, fame, etc. of our labor) - the top of the muffin - and letting us have the stump (the toiling and laboring for it!)

But today while meditating, I had the thought that what if God was giving us the best part all along? Labor is concrete, purposeful, and in its own way, joyful. It is the quickest way to flow.

The reward is unpredictable - a game could flop or it could succeed. And what if that wild success isn't what you thought it would be? What if you were eaten alive by critics who took a message very differently from what you intended? What if the money and fame destroys you? What if God was doing you a service by letting you hand over that uncertainty and possible downfalls to him? Commit that to his hands.

And what if the labor is the best part? Each day you wake up with a purpose, with a dream. Every day you strive for your dream is a day you expect a wonderful destination. When you have "arrived" you can only say, "what next?" And if you rewire yourself to enjoy the labor, to be proud of every little bit of progress you made, that's like getting to be rewarded concretely every day! Instead of waiting for the brief moments in life - separated by years - where we can feel momentary reward, that could be unpredictable, enjoying labor allows us to feel rewarded every day. We feel good when we are productive and creative. That's the reward. The pleasure is in the labor.

"The journey is the reward" - Steve Jobs

[awetos]

WHERE ARE THE GAMEDEVS?!

I joined a bunch of gamedev discords last night but they're so inactive and no one actually has any conversations with eachother. Where are the game devs hiding? I just want the feeling that other people are working on their games too.

The subreddits are also empty.

/agdg/ on 4chan is lots of chatting but few updates. Other places are few chatting but lots of updates. I absolutely love the two friends I have who give the most feedback on my gamedev, but gosh I wish there were more of them! I hate to annoy them with my constant updates too.