awkmonger

[awkmonger]

We should be more pro-active or we’ll see more of such sad fates of honest people.

[awkmonger]

me rn.

[awkmonger]

Hey.

Alam mo ba.

Miss kita.    

Malamang. Obvious naman sa Insta. I unfollowed you but I still check your stories everyday.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit umaasa pa din ako. Pero eto. I tried my best for about two months pero I still see you in every simple things. In everyday things. I’m reminded of you in things I hear.

Like a camera.

Yung mga trip mong songs. I’ve been listening to them lately. Kahit na nung tayo pa hindi ko gaano na-appreciate, now I feel like every word speaks to me.

Alam mo yung pag may narinig ako na sapul sa puso, bigla na lang kikirot yung puso ko then depende kung mag-isa ako or hindi, i might let some tears fall. Sometimes kahit may ibang tao din. Wala eh, I can’t help it.

Watching K-dramas used to console me but it’s getting harder to watch lalo na pag may scene na nakakapagpaalala sakin sa’yo. That feeling of guilt pinches me. Tas naiisip ko ‘Ayan kasi kasalanan mo yan, kaya nyo naman sana ayusin dapat. Sumuko ka kaagad. Hindi mo na sya binigyan ng chance’. Then the hypocrite alter-ego ko will say, ‘I did! I gave him a couple of days. I gave him signs! He knew we were not okay! He didn’t do anything about it!’ And then my submissive reality will conclude, ‘Wala nang point mag-isip at magpakabitter. Sumuko na din sya.’

Wow. Even just typing that hurts.

All this time. Hindi ko pa talaga naiisip yung concept na wala na sya talagang feelings for me. I must still be in-denial about everything. 

This time last year, we were happy. We didn’t celebrate Valentines Day together but we made time for each other to celebrate it. I’m bad at trying to remember things pero we were good. I miss those early days nung bago pa lang tayo. We gave all our effort. I know it’s not meant to be like that always and it should not always be full of expectations. But that’s who I am. And I hate that. And I hate myself for hating that side of me.  

Masakit kasi all this time, ako yung nakipagbreak pero I tried to reach out to him so many times but to no avail. He doesn’t care anymore. He said he still cares but probably out of pity na lang siguro. Pity, friendship, i dont know. Malamang sinaktan ko sya ng sobra. Sobra sobra. 

Bakit sobrang sakit pa rin. Bakit umiiyak pa rin ako. Feeling ko sya yung nakipagbreak sakin. Haha. I’m hopeless. 

Lord God, ano pong gagawin ko? Nakakapagod na po umiyak. Dami ko na pimples, ang pangit pangit ko na. 

I tried filling in the void with looking for a crush. Pero walang kwenta waste of time haha. What am I doing? This is also a waste of time. Wala na wag ka na umiyak. You know exactly why you broke up with him. It was sinful. It did not help you or him. It made more damage than you could have imagined. This, what you’re feeling right now are one of the many hurtful consequences. You were impatient, you weren’t strong enough. Ayan tuloy. It had to be stopped. Right now you just feel lonely, you have got to overcome this. You need some good distractions - SFC, business, work. 

You’re not alone though. You’re with your family. You have a batallion of awesome friends. And, Lord, alam ko andyan lang po kayo para sa akin. Kayo na po bahala sa akin.

[awkmonger]

Kapit

Regret.

Sabi nila ‘live with no regrets’.

I look back at my life so far and often think that my life choices brought me to where I am today. I can say it is a positive thing but it’s not completely positive. I’ve learned so much things which I don’t think I would have if not for the decisions I made. But lately, I find myself questioning whether or not I’ve made the right choices. 

I feel stuck. 

With every rejection letter, unanswered applications and futile inquiries, my heart feels discouraged as days, weeks and months passed. It doesn’t help na may mga disappointing news pa ang dumadating. According to my plan (an actual plan that I have literally wrote down on my “life goals folder”) I should have work now, preferrably an internship in events. Working my way step by step towards my career plans. Instead it seems like I’m shuffling backwards, further and further away from my goals. 

I know, I know, it’s not just me. Everyone seems like they’re struggling too. 

Baka di ko lang napapansin. Maybe I’m contemplating on myself too much. Not bothering to look at the actual people around me and their needs. Now that I’m no longer studying, I feel like everyday seems pointless. I have so much things in my mind and I want to care about people too but I don’t know where to start.

Lord, help me sort out my mind and my life. I know of the plans You have set for me. How do I start?

[awkmonger]

paasa ka din eh

[awkmonger]

im such a hypocrite.

[awkmonger]

i have so much expectation of others when I cant even meet theirs

[awkmonger]

what do u want me to do? im stressed out and im feeling down i cant hide what i feel coz kung hindi sasabog ako.. do u want me to stop feeling this way in an instant pra d ka mainis?

[awkmonger]

i guess you know im feeling down but are you doing any effort to lift my spirits up? or are you just gonna sulk that im not giving you attention? dont you realise Im just waiting for you to do something? I know you're not a clown but please do something, anything to not make me feel worse about myself. Or do I really have to ask that from you? Coz as you've said before, you're not a mind reader. Maybe you're doing something already that I can't seem to understand. Fml

[awkmonger]

i was actually really looking forward to it. Now, I just don't know what to do anymore. #confused #disappointed

[awkmonger]

sometimes i feel that when i become too complacent I find it hard to do the next step and will linger in that moment. until I found myself stuck there while the others has already moved on the next chapter. why does things have to happen so fast. why cant things happen at a slower pace. #procastinationlevelsatmax

[awkmonger]

It hurts so much.