awkwardcourts93

[awkwardcourts93]

Why me

I feel like no matter how hard I try to overcome my inner demons, they eat me alive. I’m stuck in this constant phase of brain fog, not feeling like I’m worth anything. I feel like I’m living on the outside looking in. If I died tomorrow would anyone care? My parents and husband, sure. They’d be obligated to feel sad for a bit, but other than that, I highly doubt it.

On a more positive note, I started a new job on Tuesday. It’s down in Loxahatchee. It’s an annoying commute but it’s not as bad as I thought. The money is good. After I left Leo’s, I was working part time for Sylvia, makayla and heath. Shortly after that, i was working for Whittney and Braxton. I had 2 jobs and things were good. Unfortunately, like most good things in life, it came to an end. Whittney basically blew me off. Then Sylvia stopped needing me. It got tough. I had to pull the plug on Sylvia on Tuesday. I had really bad anxiety about telling her I wasn’t coming back, only because I didn’t give her notice. But when I only work 3 days in 4 weeks, it’s time to go. I got attached to heath and Kayla, so saying goodbye was tough. That’s the problem with babysitting gigs, they don’t last. But now I’m temporarily working for a family with 3 kids. I mainly just watch the girl, genesis. They are good kids. One has autism, but he’s a great kid. I’m also sort of glad I get to work with him, because it gives me experience. It’s not a perfect job but it’s good money and gets me to where I need to be.

Schools going ok. It’s hard. I’m doing accounting now. I’m wondering how bad I can screw this up because that’s what I always do.

I’m in a weird spot with Jason. I love him but I just feel like he’s so distant and doesn’t really love me. I feel like he just is with me because we have a baby and he doesn’t have a choice. I feel like shit because I want a really happy marriage but I don’t feel like I’ll ever have it.

[awkwardcourts93]

Giving up

Marriage is hard. I’ve been researching divorce options. Some days I feel good about our marriage some days I don’t. I don’t want to split up our family but there are days when I just get so angry at Jason. I don’t feel supported and I don’t feel like he helps me with Alana. It’s always an inconvenience for him. It’s so frustrating. We fight a lot and I just don’t want to be unhappy. At the same time, I know every marriage hits rough patches. I need him to step up more even if he doesn’t want to. His concern is himself and it’s so damn annoying. I get so upset and so mad about it. I know he loves her but I need my break too. It’s not fair. He doesn’t want to do the hard stuff and I’m just over it. If things don’t change soon I’m walking away and thinking about divorce options. I refuse to live like this forever.

[awkwardcourts93]

Lonely days

Since I’ve been off work (I’ve only been off 2 days) I’m already lonely. Even though I have Alana I’m bored and have to keep what money I have. I don’t want to sit here for weeks wondering when I’ll hear from someone or run out of money even though Jason will help me. I hate having to ask him for anything he does so much.

It’s frustrating no one has gotten back to me yet on care.com. I’m waiting for that lucky break. I want a good family to work for and to make decent money. I’m praying that happens soon.

Alana is taking a nap right now.

[awkwardcourts93]

Passing time

It’s September 29th. Last time I wrote, Jason was pissed at me about the credit card. He got over it and I was being dramatic about our marriage. When I get upset about something, I get dark and terrible thoughts come to mind. I know it’s not normal but that’s the way I am.

Alana is doing well. She’s been on and off with her throwing up but as long as we don’t give her dairy she’s pretty good. Sometimes certain things bother her, other than dairy. For example, Jason gave her tuna fish and she threw up the next day. Yeah, that wasn’t his brightest idea but oh well. She’s fine now.

I’m still in school. I’m taking anatomy and physiology this semester. It’s really tough and judging from my grades I most likely won’t pass. It really sucks but that’s where we’re at. I’m also taking philosophy and doing pretty well.

Job wise, a lot has happened. Leo plans to put the girls in after school care, starting October 8. It’s bittersweet honestly. Part of me is relieved. It’s very difficult to watch 4 kids and keep everyone sane. Those girls don’t have the best upbringing. Its super stressful and like I said, part of me is relieved. The other part is freaking out because now I have to find another job and get to know another family. I also have to figure out a good school schedule that works around my new job. It’s going to be challenging but hopefully I find something soon. I’ve been applying on care.com.

How am I doing? I’m okay. I’ve been off all medication for awhile. I stopped taking it in February of this year. I’m experiencing brain fog to the extreme. I had my gallbladder removed. My stomach has been better but I don’t eat as well as I should. It’s still not 100%. I’m currently taking cbd oil, melatonin, 5 htp and probiotics every night.

Jason just had surgery. He had a vasectomy and needed 2 hernias repaired. Both surgeries were successful. He’s doing okay. He’s out of the office, and now he’s driving full time. Once he recovers from his surgery he plans on getting his CDL.

I just Hope life gets better for me personally.

I feel like I’m stuck.

I’m missing Alana big time. She’s at the west coast with Jason’s parents. They are babysitting her for the week. I really miss her.

[awkwardcourts93]

It hit hard

A lot has happened since I’ve last written. I took a break from writing to focus on school and other things going on. Last time I wrote, it was New Years. Now it’s June 3rd.

Catching up:

My daughter just had her first birthday on may 30th. Me and Jason both had to work so we didn’t do anything crazy but we did give her a few presents, she had Mac and cheese for dinner as well as cookies. Yum!

I’m currently still in school. I’m taking a summer course (psychology). It’s a lot but I make it work. Sort of.

I’m not on any medication. I haven’t been since February 26, the day before my colonoscopy. I was on lamotrigine and it worked but it killed my stomache so I had to stop taking it. My stomache is never right but the medication made it so much worse.

After a bunch of tests, the doctor said my gallbladder is functioning at about 20% and I have something called biliary dyskensia (colic) so it should come out. I’m having it removed June 7th.

Jason is currently pissed at me because I maxed out the credit card. He’ll get over it, eventually. Honestly I’m not sure if this marriage is going to last. It sounds terrible and I don’t want it to fall apart but lately I’ve been having this knot in my stomache about it. My head isn’t always right but my gut instinct hasn’t been wrong yet. I just feel like we’re growing apart, and we’re not in a good place. Maybe it’s just a phase and it’ll pass. No I don’t mean just because we’re in a fight we’re falling apart.

Life has been stressful. I’m going to New York for 3 weeks on June 23 so I’m hoping to get some relaxation in.

My mom fell and broke her femur while recovering from a hip replacement. So crazy how things happen.

My last day of work was Friday and it’s bittersweet. I need to find another job but I’m having anxiety about telling Leo.

I hope I have enough money to last me until I find another job.

When it rains it pours.

[awkwardcourts93]

Happy new years! Its officially 2018. 2017 was a crazy year. I got married, had a baby, and hit the one year mark working for leo. Its been a year filled with ups and downs (mostly ups) Last night to celebrate, we went to Osaka, a japanese restaurant. I had steamed dumplings and shrimp fried rice. Jason had spider rolls and shrimp tempora. We were going to see the fireworks at tradition but jason wasnt feeling that great so we came home, relaxed and then watched the ball drop. We tried to get alana to stay up but she crashed at 11:40. Overall it was a good new years eve. I saw a bunch of people at parties, on facebook. At one point that probably would have been fun but not anymore. My new years resolution is to continue to work on myself and marriage, raise my daughter and work on my degree. I just want to be happy, focus on my mental health and do what i like to do.

[awkwardcourts93]

Wish

I try my hardest to not be insecure, to be confident in my own skin. You only get one life, you are born with certain qualities, you should be happy with what you have. I’m not.

I wish my hair was long, and straight. 

I wish I was skinnier, had clearer skin.

I wish my boobs weren’t so saggy after having my daughter.

I wish I didn't have cellulite all over my thighs

I wish I didn’t have stretch marks

I wish I didn’t have such a big nose

I wish my eyebrows were thinner

I wish my arms weren’t so flabby

I wish I wasn’t chubby

I wish I didn’t have such anger, jealousy and trust issues

I wish my mood didn’t go from 0-100 and vise vera all the time

I wish I could remember where I put things, and didn’t lose things so easily

I wish I could go back in time, and not take A.D.D medication, maybe I wouldn’t have the issues I do now

I wish I wouldn’t have let people walk all over me.

I wish I stood up for myself more.

Most importantly, I wish I didn’t want to change everything about myself, both looks and personality wise.

[awkwardcourts93]

Dr Time

One of my biggest concerns lately, has been my daughters health.

A few months ago, she stopped gaining weight, throwing up constantly (when I say throwing up I mean severely) not having much energy, not eating correctly. Her doctor was very concerned and ran a bunch of tests. It turns out her liver enzymes were 4x higher than normal. She couldn’t pin point exactly what the cause was. The more testing we did, the less answers we had. We only found out the answer through trial and error. 

Alana’s doctor recommended a pediatric gastroenterologist. 

The first time I went there, my mother in law came with me. I was full of anxiety. 

The doctor wasn’t that friendly. But he seemed to be a decent doctor. He mentioned that all of her other tests came back normal, but the liver enzymes were a big concern. He recommended switching her formula, that it could be an allergy. At first I didn’t believe it, I thought he was crazy and that it couldn’t be that simple. 

It was that simple.

We switched alana to similac allemuntum and she has gained almost 3 pounds in 2 months. 

Her liver enzymes are back to normal, thank god. 

[awkwardcourts93]

Two posts in one night? What?

This is my second post of the night. I have so many different things on my mind that I feel the need to write it all down.

I’m not sure what to even name this post, aside from “things I'm stressing about”

I’m so worried about school. I feel like I have a lot on my plate right now, with raising my daughter, working, having somewhat of a life, and making my marriage work. Now that I’m going to add school into the mix, I feel like I’m going to burn out. I’m going to do my best and I’m praying I don’t fall flat on my face. 

I’m stressing out about our financial situation. My daughter was sick for awhile, and needed to see several doctors. Those doctors aren’t cheap. Recently, we got a $315 bill, a $1,700 bill and another $50 bill. The $50 bill is okay, I can handle that. Oh we have a $116 bill as well. I can’t afford this and it’s insane how much these doctors cost. Holy shit.

Theres so many other things I’m nervous about but it’ll be okay, eventually

[awkwardcourts93]

Respect

If I’ve learned one thing over the years, and being in different relationships, it’s that you have to respect each other. Often times in relationships, we hear each other but we don’t truly listen and value the other persons opinion. We are focused on our opinions and what we have to say, instead of truly understanding from another point of view. 

That is sometimes a major issue in me and my husbands relationship. We hear each other, but we don’t truly listen. We don’t always respect each other and value each other as much as we should. We need to be more loving, more gentle, more open, more understanding,and most of all, more respectful.

[awkwardcourts93]

Black vs white

I like to post things that relate to me, or opinions of mine regarding sensitive topics. This post is going to be about a particular situation that I've been dealing with for awhile now.

One of my good friends, who i've known for awhile and have had the pleasure of becoming very close with over the years, is black.

That's not the issue, let me make that clear right now. I really don't care what nationality or race you are. I never have and never will. I care about your history, but race, religion and/or nationality is NOT what i judge a person on.

Anyways, so my friend is black. She is very vocal about her love of being black, her history, and how she is very proud of the black community (that's awesome for her)

My issue with her recently, is that she has been bashing white people.

I recently unfollowed her on facebook because of these posts. I know there are racist people out there and im sure from time to time she deals with shit and it's not fair AT ALL. Im glad that she is proud of her race and i am too. I am very supportive of the black community, the gay community, the hispanic community, and every other group out there. My problem comes with, like i said before bashing white people.

She doesnt think white people should be superior and wants blacks to be treated better. I agree 100%. The problem is, by bashing whites you are creating more of a reason for the people that are already racist, to become more racist. It doesnt help matters it just adds fuel to the fire. I dont want anyone to ignore their pain but at the end of the day, we are all human and trying to survive in this fucked up world we live in. We want to be treated equally, and by bashing any group of people, is not going to make that happen. We want equality, we want to be able to walk hand in hand regardless of color and not be judged for it. The black community will never be taken seriously and will always be rediculed if they keep up the #whitepeopleaintshit" mentality.

We had a falling out the other day, about this topic. She hadnt responded to any of my texts. She didnt understand my point and expected me to understand hers.

Something has to change, and it has to happen soon, otherwise we will be forever divided

[awkwardcourts93]

Run away 

Things get tough, and your first instinct is to bail. At least, mine is. My biggest problem is, I always want to run away from my problems instead of dealing with them. For example, whenever me and my husband fight my first response is to think divorce. No i don't realistically want a divorce, but thats my response when we fight, and in the moment I think thats the solution. Whenever I say that, my husband tells me, “divorce is not an option”. Im working on that mentality.

Whenever i have a bad day at work, i want to quit, and find another job. No job is perfect, you will have annoying coworkers, annoying bosses (in my case, annoying kids). The answer isn’t finding a new job unless things are absolute shit,

Whenever i have a bad day in general my response is to drop everything and run away to a remote island where no one can find me.

Whenever I had a bad day at school, my response was to drop out and become home schooled. (my parents didn’t let that happen)

I’m slowly fixing that issue of mine. it won’t happen overnight, but teaching myself to react differently, and learn some coping methods will definitely help. Everyone has bad days, at work, in their relationship, at home, at school, in general. 

I know I can’t just “run away” from my problems. There will always be conflict once in awhile. Life just isn’t perfect (even though I wish it was) 

Somethings are out of your control, but others? You can resolve them.

[awkwardcourts93]

Bipolar disorder is a serious thing. I have major ups and major downs. I can’t stop it just by exercising, taking a walk or talking to someone. Sometimes I need to be completely alone, and just cry. Sometimes I need to distract myself the best that I can. I need to learn to cope with my anger in a more healthy way than I do. I can lessen the mood swings, and make them a bit more tolerable but I can’t stop them. I am not broken though. I am a work of art. I am just different than a lot of people. I refuse to let bipolar disorder define me as a person.

[awkwardcourts93]

Sitting here at 1:20 am thinking about life and all of the lessons I’ve learned. For only being 24 I’ve been through a lot of things. I look back and think to myself, at the time it was nothing but pain, but I came out so strong and so much wiser. You learn so much about yourself when you go through so much pain and make terrible decisions. Mistakes are lessons learned. 

[awkwardcourts93]

About me

My name is Courtney Ann Caruso (formally Collins) I’m going to be 25 years old in january. I grew up in Brewster NY, a small town about an hour north on NYC. I’m glad I got to live in NY, and experience it but I am also very glad I moved.

I moved down to Florida about 2 years ago. My grandparents have a condo down in Greenacres, and every winter/spring break I would come down for a week and spend time with them. I loved it ever since I was little. As I got older, I told myself I would live here someday.

I wanted to move down sooner, but I had some obligations in NY and couldn’t leave earlier than I did.

I am married, and have a 7 month old daughter. My marriage isn’t perfect but we love each other and we stick by each other regardless of typical marriage issues. Our daughter is our world. We couldn’t imagine life without miss alana.

I have certificate in office technologies, and am going back to school for health information technology to get an associates

I work as a nanny for a 7 year old, 9 year old and 12 year old. It’s not easy at all, but I can bring alana and that makes it worth it. 

I have something called gastroparesis. My body doesn’t digest food properly, and it causes me to get sick a lot, when I eat. I am also lactose intolerant, suffer from bipolar disorder, and depression/anxiety. 

I hope that down the road, things get better, I get through school. money isn’t so tight, everyone stays healthy, and my mood swings get better.

I love writing, it’s a huge stress reliever for me. Sometimes I feel like no one cares about the way I feel. Writing it down makes me feel much better. 

I like to workout, but its been hard recently with feeling sick to my stomach almost everyday. 

Just a heads up, none of these entries are in a particular order. I write them as I think about them. There is no specific pattern, or flow to them. Sorry not sorry.

[awkwardcourts93]

I've never felt like this quote related more right now. We expect things to be a certain way but in reality, there not. We expect so much out of relationships, out of life, and when that doesn't happen, we're left heartbroken. That's how I'm feeling right now. I expected too much