awkwardlyswift

[awkwardlyswift]

When I was 24 I sat in a backstage dressing room in London, buzzing with anticipation. My backup singers and bandmates gathered around me in a scattered circle.Scissors emerged and I watched in the mirror as my locks of long curly hair fell in piles on the floor. There I was in my plaid button down shirt, grinning sheepishly as my tour mates and friends cheered on my haircut. This simple thing that everyone does. But I had a secret. For me. It was more than a change of hairstyle. When I was 24. I decided to completely reinvent myself.

How does a person reinvent herself, you ask? In any way I could think of. Musically, geographically, aesthetically, behaviorally, motivationally. And I did so joyfully. The curiosity I had felt the first murmurs of while making red had amplified into a pulsing heartbeat of restlessness in my bars. The risks I took when I toyed with pop sounds and sensibilities on red? I wanted to push it further. The sense of freedom I felt when traveling to big bustling cities? I wanted to live in one. The voices that had begun to shame me in new ways for dating like a normal young woman? I wanted to silence them.

You see, in the years preceding this, I had become the target of slut shaming, the intensity and relentlessness of which would be criticized and called out if it happened today. The jokes about my amount of boyfriends. The trivialization of my songwriting as if it were a predatory act of a boy crazy psychopath. The media co-signing of this narrative. I had to make it stop because it was starting to really hurt.

It became clear to me that for me there was no such thing as casual dating, or even having a male friend who you platonically hang out with. If I was seen with him, it was assumed I was sleeping with him. And so I swore off hanging out with guys, dating, flirting, or anything that could be weaponized against me by a culture that claimed to believe in liberating women but consistently treated me with the harsh moral codes of the Victorian era.

Being a consummate optimist, I assumed I could fix this if I simply changed my behavior. I swore off dating and decided to focus only on myself, my music, my growth. And my female friendships. If I only hung out with my female friends, people couldn't sensationalize or sexualize that, right? I would learn later on that people could and people would.

But none of that mattered then because I had a plan and I had a demeanor as trusting as a basket of golden retriever puppies. I had the keys to my own apartment in New York and I had new melodies bursting from my imagination. I had Max Martin and Shellback who were happy to help me explore this new sonic landscape I was enamored with. I had a new friend named Jack Antonoff who had made some cool tracks in his apartment. I had the idea that the album would be called 1989. And we would reference big 80's synths and write sky high choruses. I had sublime, inexplicable faith and I ran right toward it, in high heels and a crop top.

There was so much that I didn't know then, and looking back I see what a good thing that was. This time of my life was marked by right kind of naïveté, a hunger for adventure. And a sense of freedom I hadn't tasted before. It turns out that the cocktail of naïveté, hunger for adventure and freedom can lead to some nasty hangovers, metaphorically speaking. Of course everyone had something to say. But they always will. I learned lessons, paid prices, and tried to… don't say it don't say it. I'm sorry, I have to say it. Shake it off.

I’ll always be so incredibly grateful for how you loved and embraced this album. You, who followed my zig zag creative choices and cheered on my risks and experiments. You, who heard the wink and humor in "blank space" and maybe even empathized with the pain behind the satire. You, who saw the seeds of allyship and advocating for equality in "Welcome to New York". You, who knew that maybe a girl who surrounds herself with female friends in adulthood is making up for a lack of them in childhood (not starting a tyrannical hot girl cult). You, who saw that I reinvent myself for a million reasons, and that one of them is to try my very best to entertain you. You, who have had the grace to allow me the freedom to change.

I was born in 1989. Reinvented for the first time in 2014, and a part of me was reclaimed in 2023 with the re-release of this album I love so dearly.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the magic you would sprinkle on my life for so long. This moment is a reflection of the woods we've wandered through and all this love between us still glowing in the darkest dark.

I present to you, with gratitude and wild wonder, my version of 1989.

It’s been waiting for you.

[awkwardlyswift]

I heard ppl talking shit about Turning Red, that it “unlike Encanto, didn’t do a good job of explaining about the family/generational trauma”. Well LET ME EXPLAIN THIS IN ASIAN AMERICAN’S PERSPECTIVE.

As East Asian, I cried like a bitch in this scene. This three images were the perfect representation of how Asian family deals with trauma. If you don’t know, seeking counseling/therapy is basically frown upon in Asian culture. It doesn’t matter what it is, ppl will think you arre a looney. I suffer from Long term stress disorder and my doctors recommended that i see a therapist. on my first therapy session, during ride back home, my mother flat out told me that she didn’t believe in therapy. and told me that EVERYONE HAS A BURDEN TO CARRY AND WE DO IT IN SILENCE AND STEADFASTNESS.

Sounds harsh right? But to the older generation, this is honorable act. to bare, and suffer for the family is something to be honored.

No matter how destructive it can be……

Many older generation Asian/parents carry this. they bare all the weight and don’t tell a soul the suffering they had to endure. 

So what happens WHEN they can’t bare it longer?

chances are, the oldest child of the family plays therapist. 

because the parents (ESPECIALLY THE MOTHER) has no one to lean on regarding such matter. They rather take their trauma to their graves then tell non-family members or a worst a STRANGER (therapist)

I am the oldest child of my family, I was my mother’s supporter, helper, her confidant and listener. I comforted her and listened to all the horrid, heart breaking trauma she suffered. She was also the oldest child of her family and she bared all the weight of the family. the difference between my mother and i, is that i grew up in west. i was told that speaking out my feeling/mental health is critical and important. and i seek out help when i wasn’t okay. meanwhile generations had taught my mother that seeking therapy is shameful.

so, us, the kids, who learned of emotional support and health, leads our parents out from the trauma.

just like how Mei is doing in this scene.

so yeah, this movie doesn’t tell trauma like Encanto. but that’s the point, every nation/generation have different way to deal with trauma. and turning red perfectly represented how west born/raised Asian kids deals with family trauma. 

This movie isn’t encanto, it’s turning Red. And I think that’s beautiful on its own.

[awkwardlyswift]

[awkwardlyswift]

Why sing to the haters? Well, when they stop coming for me, I will stop singing to them.

[awkwardlyswift]

If you kiss me will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings?

[awkwardlyswift]

[awkwardlyswift]

Every time you decide not to go to that party, not to meet up with that person, not to wear that outfit, not to care about what other people say - because it makes you feel uncomfortable and your gut tells you not to - you do something good for yourself. Every time you decide against something that is bad for you, you choose yourself, my love.

[awkwardlyswift]

there goes the dumbest bitch that this town has ever seen

[awkwardlyswift]

LORDE  ph. Arkan Zakharov

[awkwardlyswift]

by Laure S

[awkwardlyswift]

I'm finally watching Avatar : The Last Airbender and Kyoshi warriors are too powerful for me

[awkwardlyswift]

Seven | Taylor Swift

[awkwardlyswift]

folklore by Taylor Swift

[awkwardlyswift]

TAYLOR SWIFT photographed by Beth Garrabrant for “folklore” Album Photoshoot Part 1.

[awkwardlyswift]

[awkwardlyswift]

It’s nice to have a friend.

[awkwardlyswift]

a friend to all is a friend to none