awkwards-things

[awkwards-things]

So awhile ago I was so hung up on my ex

It finally hit me that he and I would have never worked out, we never saw eye to eye. We knew we had to break up eventually cause we couldn't love each other in the way the other needed. I wanted simplistic love. He wanted complex love.

He cheated on me, made me feel insecure, never validated my feelings, and was toxic. He said that flirting wasn't cheating. I think it is so he just shut me down. The one time I had my eyebrow slit I thought he was going to like it, but he said why are you trying to be like everyone else. The one time I wanted to look at makeup with him he dragged my arm away for the makeup section of target. He would lie to me about hanging out with this girl I felt treated by. He said I needed too much reassurance. And that no one will love me as much as he did.

He and I didn't see eye to on political ideas either, I support blm and he was to naive to understand the blm movement. He said all lives matter. His dad was his role model, and his dad did not treat women with respect. My ex was not respectful and quite frankly was cocky. Not to mention he did not have good hygiene. He took a shower like once a week, never brushed his teeth, and would put deodorant on his hoodie he would wear everyday when it wasn't clean. He would put his hair in a ponytail when it was greasy to not have to deal with it. He let his friend call me hot in front of him and didn't do anything about it.

My ex had no ambition whatsoever. He would always call into work and be late. He didn't want to go to college. He just was not motivated. He bought this car that is so outdated he could have invested his money in a better way.

We always fought. I cried almost every day in that relationship. It brought me to a very dark place. I stopped caring about animals, all I wanted to do was die, I would self harm frequently, I was sheltered, he did so much for me where I became dependent on him, he manipulated me, and said I needed to be with him too much.

He took his phone away from me when I went through it one day. He restricted me from having his phone access cause I didn't trust him. He would delete texts. He said in order to be with him I had to be okay with him being friends with girls. One time he squeezed a girl's thigh while I was with him and balmed it on being lit. He had excuses for everything.

It was such a toxic relationship and made me lose my hope for healthy love. Although my current bf is making me believe in love again and I'm so thankful to have him in my life.

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You know what fuck you. Fuck you for existing. Fuck you for making me feel nothing. Fuck you for being a piece of shit. Fuck you I wish I had my ex back. He understood me not you, and you will never be able to. So I hope you die.

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Dear dad

I remember going to your grave a few months ago begging for you to bring my ex back. I was saying how it was selfish of me to ask such a thing but I really wanted him back. You didn't bring him back, but you did bring me the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The man I want to continue finding in my next lives after this one. The sweetest most respectful man I have ever met. He's so humble, so intelligent, cares for animals and nature just as much as me, is environmentally friendly, supportive of the lgbtq community, spiritual, loves conspiracy theories. All in all the most amazing man i have ever met. So anyway thank you dad because you brought me my future husband. And I'm forever grateful 🙏

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Oh sweetie if you only knew sometimes you have to let go of what hurts you the most in order to find someone who will pick up your broken pieces and love you blissfully. I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A man who wants to better himself for me. A man who is so respectful and kind towards animals and nature. Gawd I love this man so so much. A year ago I was insecure feeling like I was never good enough for my ex. Feeling like I had to compete with amelia in order to have him love me. But I found a man who loves me every day and chooses me. And I am forever thankful for him. Thank you dad for bringing this man into my life.

I want the type of love where you grow old with your favorite human in the entire world. Where you never give up on each other. Where each day there's something new to talk about. My bullshit is your bullshit kind of attitude. Deep talks on car rides to no where. Looking at stars and talking about what shapes they make. One earbud in each ear as we listen to our favorite songs. Blissfully we fall in love. Traveling the world and spending every second together. I had that love once. I lost it. I miss him. One day I hope he comes back one day

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Life is an adventure

And the world is our playground

So why not explore it

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I wish I could tell you about everything that has happened in my life. Today I recieved a job offer as an animal care assistant at an animal health hospital. I finally put my two weeks in at the grocery store. I start my new job within a couple weeks. I have 3 best friends. Also my work best friend Anna who I should be hanging out with outside of work now. So I've made a few friends. And my childhood friend Ana along with mj and Joey. M asked me to be his gf! So I have an incredibly sweet bf who is ambitious and loves animals just as much as me. And I found a few hobbies I enjoy including drawing, gaming, driving around listening to music, seeing my friends, and watching shows. I have been clean of self harm since September so almost a year. I'm more confident and outgoing now. I'm just all in all a happier healthier human. Also im on meds now which I forget to take sometimes but I'm getting better at that. Everything gets better. And all I had to do was lose my ex in order to make positive changes in my life. I'm on track now. And I can't believe 3 months ago I was going to end my life. After getting put of the mental hospital I was determined to turn my life around and I did. I even accomplished my goal of having a new job by August. So life gets better you just have to be the one to make it better.

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It gets better! I finally have friends. I have a girl squad of 4 including me. My best friend boyfiend is best friends with my future boyfriend. Holy shit I went from being in a mental institution in March to having friends, possibly a new job, I have a dude I'm talking to that I really like. God I'm so happy. 😊

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The world is a playground left to explore

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I want the type of love where you grow old with your favorite human in the entire world. Where you never give up on each other. Where each day there's something new to talk about. My bullshit is your bullshit kind of attitude. Deep talks on car rides to no where. Looking at stars and talking about what shapes they make. One earbud in each ear as we listen to our favorite songs. Blissfully we fall in love. Traveling the world and spending every second together. I had that love once. I lost it. I miss him. One day I hope he comes back one day

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You know writing is a good outlet for me. It helps me express my emotions. It's been almost 4 months since the breakup. You jumped into a new relationship right away a little before 3 months after the breakup. That says something. I've been taking the time to be okay being alone. It's something scary that I thought I wouldn't have to face. But I'm not really scared anymore. My ex said I was needy for wanting/needing to be with him all the time. But it was because of my bpd. I am starting to learn boundaries. And I'm starting to be okay falling asleep alone. I'm okay with not seeing you anymore. I still can't delete the pictures though. I'll get there. Healing is a process that no one can speed up or slow down. I'm not completely healed yet. I made mistakes in my past relationship, I also have been diagnosed with bpd. I'm starting to go to therapy. I'm trying to make new friends. I'm trying to set goals for myself. And I'm talking to a new guy who I'm starting to like. Shout out to m. So slowly it gets easier. My ex may have a new gf and he quit his job. But I have myself and a job so 🤷 but I still wish him happiness

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I pushed you away. I push everyone away. I lost my best friend. I hate love. You have a new gf now. I self sabotage everything. I have bpd. Haha makes sense now. Not only can I not talk to you anymore. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Life is meaningless. I miss my ex. Fuck why does life?

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You never realize how bad it gets until it gets there

Day one crying on each flight cause it was new there were too many sounds being claustrophobic and feeling like you're in literal isolated hell

We get to the next airport and I just dont know what to eat and my bf doesn't either and i tell him i dont want to eat and he gets mad and I shut down and I know hes hungry I just dont want to make him mad by picking the wrong place so I have to force myself not to shut down cause then he shut down and we almost missed our flight cause it took to long to decide and I got stressed and started crying in the fu cling airport

Later that day plane two waiting in the airport as we board the flight and you look over at your bf and see him checking out another girls ass so you freak out internally and end up crying on the flight but have to blame it on too many people more like too many girls hes going to like over me

I just sat there on that flight wishing I wasnt going on a trip and would have rather had my mom get to have this experience cause shes always wanted to go to the ocean

We arrive and everything is okay I guess but my bfs dad is an asshole and said oh theres Hooters here and then I thought about how my bf and his dad should go so that my bf can get a new gf or look at women cause I'm not going with

Later ish we went to fridays and I had a panic attack cause my bfs dad gf was talking about covid and I was started overthinking thinking I had it because I couldn't breathe and I was light headed it turns out I was having a panic attack and jet lag I felt a little better after eating

Later that night I ask about if he wanted to go to Hooters and hes like I'm only going if you're going and I'm like hurting so badly and I'm like is just a b00b joint and hes like oh boobs like it didn't fu cling phase him

I then went into the bathroom found out I got my period and I didn't bring any women supplies

... (maybe I'm just overthinking this one) decided to skip eating breakfast with them and stay in the hotel room while I lay in bed and cry for the millionth fu cling time during this week vacation

But let's not forget I pushed them away because it would have been better if I just didn't fucking go because they would have had a better time without me and my bf would be happier with someone else cause if he had a gf who actually was motivated and was ready to leave in the morning and was happy maybe it would have been better for him cause I'm just a burden in his god damn life

I had a bad feeling before going on this trip and I now see why 6 more days to go

Yet my boyfriend doesn't know why I was crying in bed this morning fml

[awkwards-things]

So I'm outta college I'm taking a break I'm taking baby steps to better myself I'm officially hanging out with a work friend today and I'm excited cause shes lowkey indie like me I know we may not become best friends but it's a start and I'm excited

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reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

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People keep asking if I'm tired I'm not I'm just depressed

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Like I want all these other people to feel happiness and love and to feel like they belong but how am I supposed to make them feel that way when I dont feel that way