awkwardsha

[awkwardsha]

i accidentally made myself unloveable

j.d. mcclatchy “the dialogue of desire and guilt” // anaïs nin “the diary of anaïs nin, vol 1: 1931-1934” // carmen maria machado “in the dream house” // margaret atwood “the robber bride” // chris kraus “aliens & anorexia” // hala alyan “i’m not speaking first, the twenty-ninth year” // kazuo ishiguro “when we were orphans” // haruki murakami “norwegian wood”

[awkwardsha]

Feels good to be back on here...ahhhh!!!

[awkwardsha]

New Beginnings, New Love, New Dreams...

[awkwardsha]

My name is Shawnice, a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

   When most people would normally meet me they would probably think “She seem cool.”, or, “Shawnice is so sweet.”, maybe, “She’s always bubbly.” However, what I do know is that people wouldn’t look at me and think I was sexually abused. I could go into statistics about the percentages but just know that every other person you come across (male or female) POSSIBLY have been molested. I was molested by two different men on more than occasion. Here’s my story: 

   My first experience was when I was about 2-4 years old. It was my mother’s boyfriend, a Hispanic guy who lived with us. He was often abusive to my mother so God knows what might’ve happened to my sisters. I remember we were in the living room, not sure if my mom was in the room sleeping or at work. He was laying on the couch and I was sitting on top of him. Next thing I knew his penis was out and he guided my hand to rub it. That’s the only time I remember but, I wouldn’t put it past him if he did it again.

   My next experience was my older cousin who was in his teens. This was more vivid and detailed because I was between the ages of 6 to maybe 8 years old. It happened a few times and in two different homes. At my grandmother’s and at his house where he lived with my aunt and his siblings. I remember a situation at my grandmother’s where he was getting comfortable with what he was doing. Right then he decided to take my virginity before I knew what that was. He really tried to force his penis inside. What i’m not sure of is whether he stopped because it wouldn’t “go in” or because his niece who was my cousin walked in and almost saw us.

   By then it got so deep because he started to call me his girlfriend and I liked it not realizing the severity of the situation. We would be at his house with my other cousins and we would all jump on him. When it was my turn he would hold me down where discretely I was feeling his erection. There would be moments where it would just be us laying down while he’s “touching me”. SMFH!!! Ok that’s enough.

   Bottom line my reasoning for even opening up about this because I never told anyone in my family definitely not my mom but I told my ex and my current boyfriend. When I try to discuss it i’m not taken seriously or i’m being harshly criticized. This is my way of standing up for myself and if anyone comes across this who’ve had similar experiences, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I’m trying to get help mentally to heal from this because it has caused many issues in my life. I suggest other victims to seek help because there are ways this can negatively affect you and others that are close to you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED OR GUILTY. SOMEONE HAS VIOLATED YOU IN WAYS YOU WOULDN’T IMAGINED AS A CHILD. INNOCENCE HAS BEEN STOLEN AND THAT’S NOT FAIR!!! YOU ARE THE VICTIM WHO WILL BECOME A SURVIVOR. I had to tell myself this and i have to continue to.

[awkwardsha]

😏

[awkwardsha]

🙏🙏🙏🙏

“God must have a soft spot for me. I’m not dead yet. I perfect my ‘amen’ to close out future prayers.”

— Raych Jackson, from Even The Saints Audition

[awkwardsha]

I know what she means when she says don’t come back. She means be the best you can be. The world deserves you as much as we do.

Dagogo Hart, “Lantern Smoke” (via buttonpoetry)

[awkwardsha]

A little advice for those who are people pleasers and want to stop. She’s fucking amazing.

[awkwardsha]

Being Comfortable With People Disliking Me By: Shawnice Renee (IG awkwardsha28)

For a while I struggled with people’s disdain for me and since I was a little girl, my personality engulfed the bad trait of being a people pleaser. But the older I became the more people showed their dislike for me. They thought of me as weird, not pretty, unpopular, wanting to be down, etc. Even family have shown these feelings. Some have valid reasons others...well they just want to be down with everyone else who doesn’t like me. I’ve been depressed, and had suicidal thoughts due to this and other things. However, I stumbled upon some shit that helped me realize how comfortable I truly am with people not liking me. Here are some perks.

1. It allows you to be true to yourself.

What’s the point trying to be someone else to appease others, The fact that you acknowledge everyone doesn’t like you, you’re put in a certain comfort zone to be yourself. No fucks given. Who knows, you might meet people who will appreciate you for it.

2. It gives you the power to say no.

My thing as a former people pleaser was that I had a hard time saying no. I wanted people to be happy and I wanted their validation or approval. That ain’t get me anywhere. So when it comes to people asking me to do shit i don’t want to do, no becomes an easy reply for me.

3. You’re more comfortable exploring your feelings.

Not many people care for my opinion anywhere so I say what the fuck I want! No fucks given.

4 .Your candor can help people.

You’re more open and honest with people. Sometimes a borderline asshole.

5. You can freely express your thoughts.

6. It prepares you for greater success.

Success comes with a lot and one thing you will have to face is adversity. Which means people with try to come for your neck. With the mentality of knowing you don’t have to please them for anything, the more you become focused on you and what goals you’re to trying to a make success.

7. It teaches you to offer kindness and compassion without expectations.

Regardless of people not liking you, that doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful. It shows maturity when you can be cordial and kind despite how people may feel about you.

8. You can inspire other people.

Other people will see these qualities in you and may feel inspired to do the same thing. Like I read in another article you might save someone’s life.

9. You can use your time wisely.

You save from not spending time, money, and energy on muhfuckers who don’t fuck with you anyway.

10. You can choose to smile anyway.

Whatever these people say or think about you smile and their face and say, “It’s above me now”!

[awkwardsha]

“Sometimes love doesn’t stay, but motherfuck, when it does it is worth every person that ever told you that you were not enough.”

— Desireé Dallagiacomo, from Sink

[awkwardsha]

Back at it again in Vegas 😈

[awkwardsha]

Angelic in all white

[awkwardsha]

[awkwardsha]

It looks like beautiful cum...lol

[awkwardsha]

Grateful...

[awkwardsha]

My Birthday 2018 ♊️

[awkwardsha]

Its like that sometimes