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awomanthinks · 5 years ago

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Another day, more thoughts

It is a new month. I hope this month brings us all unity, strength, compassion for ourselves and others and I hope we are able to conquer what we want to conquer and conquer all the things that are put in our path that we have no choice but to face. I have made the habit of listening to meditations before bed and throughout the night and I would suggest that for anyone that has nightmares or uncomfortable sleeps like myself. Good day and I wish you all abundance, love for yourself first and foremost, and then for others. Good luck in your endeavours. Stay strong.

I don’t know how many people read my last post, I’m not too concerned. It was my first post. I have been telling myself not to get deterred from continuing to post my work just because it didn’t fluke into getting a million likes on my first post. I’ve deleted things I’ve written, painted, drawn, etc in the past because of this. I call myself a realist but I’m also an insane perfectionist which is admittedly an extremely toxic trait. It’s good in some ways but not great in others. I don’t hold everyone else to the same standard I hold myself- Actually in the past I have loved and cared for people that couldn’t do as much as hold themselves accountable for their actions, let alone actually change their actions all together. At least I learned. Being a perfectionist does not make me perfect, I will never be perfect, and I don’t view myself as anywhere near perfect so don’t worry.. When I say that I’m a perfectionist I certainly do not mean that anything I do I believe is “perfect” really to me it means the opposite.. It means to me that I sort of view everyone else as perfectly imperfect even when they make mistakes, I’m always a warm and comforting person willing to offer love to people who are struggling with themselves whether it be a “small” mistake they’ve made OR if they’ve done something that would be considered horrible by most. I’m a very forgiving and non judgemental person- To others.

When it comes to myself though, I often hold a grudge. I have managed to get a lot better with positive “self-talk” but it is a full time job. To transition from toxic, negative, hateful internal dialogue that is always beating me up on the inside and trying to kill me at a rate that my doctor described as a 20% faster rate of thought than the average person. Resulting in a brain that races and doesn’t ever stop having thoughts zooming through, transitioning to a more loving, positive, kind, forgiving, internal dialogue… I’m proud to say it really is improving, after about eight years of practicing techniques that started out with “The Secret” and it’s ideas on how to change your life and then in combination with many other metaphysical books and studies and much meditation I am finally reaching a point where my thoughts are actually just more positive. It took a long time of combatting thousands of negative thoughts an hour. Not just “negative” either, hateful, suicidal VISIONS, consistent throughout the day, beating me up internally so that at one point I would wake up and look at my phone and then smash my head back onto the pillow and angrily fall back asleep so that I didn’t have to hear my brain because it was so angry and hateful at me.

It went from all those type of thoughts turning to impulsive, self deprecating actions, a constant cycle of this lead to now starting to have more of an inner peace.. When I do have a thought that falls into the category of negative it isn’t nearly as morbid, and it is immediately met with 10 positive affirmations to heal my moment of negativity. Although, if it is a RATIONAL negative thought because I have become more at peace with myself I am able to cope with negative feelings because I would be delusional to truly believe a life without negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions would be achievable.. It sounds great in theory but when it’s sunny all the time you get a desert so they say. ( In 2020 you can survive in a desert but once upon a time if you stumbled onto a desert you wouldn’t last very long without water so it wasn’t always a nice vacation spot and was once a death sentence, thus the saying) So my point being that without the occasional acknowledgement of reality which comes with what we have labeled “negativity” nothing would really be positive anymore because there would be no opposite to compare it to so it would just be. You can’t have one without the other. Eventually so much positivity there would still be negative because what is slightly less positive would be not as good which would mean in comparison to the really good it would be negative! Well in my humble opinion that makes sense using logic.

Anyway I’ve gone off on a tangent. My point is that I’m hard on myself. I’m actively working on being hard on myself in a “tough love” kind of way vs. the previous self loathing kind of way that was destroying me and pushing away everyone that even attempted to become close to me. I had been studying ways to counteract my brains attempts to self destruct for years. It was all great and I loved studying it. I only ever found my way back to these books when I was sober, though I read books on the subject and as many videos as I could find, between 13 and 16 I didn’t take it all too seriously.. I DID love reading about it, trying to practice it. I loved sharing the self help methods with my friends and discussing them. I loved bonding with them over their coping mechanisms and techniques. Once I began matching each negative thought with a positive one I began to realize how many negative thoughts I was having and really listening to them and hearing them. Amidst my young search in the realm of spirituality I became intrigued by drugs as many of the people close to me are aware but maybe someone who comes across this won’t be. I watched documentaries about acid, mushrooms, ecstasy. When I first fell in love with the idea of “expanding my spirituality with drugs” I swore to myself I was only interested in the spiritual ones. I didn’t have a good support system in my life. I was in a broken home where I did not feel loved, appreciated, valued, accepted, nurtured, cared for, or wanted. Those were the things I did not feel.. The things I did feel were broken, sad, angry, frustrated, neglected, older than I was, burdened with responsibility, like an outcast, like i was ugly, like i was fat, like I was the reason for every moment my mom was unhappy. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and these were only the emotions being carried from day to day within my upbringing. Not to mention the aftershock of traumas that occurred within the home that were never a priority for anyone to help me heal and because of that at the time I didn’t know what trauma really was and therefore it wasn’t a priority of my own to heal. Not to mention all of the experiences I had with my peers at school that broke me down over the years as well.

Although I took interest in the spiritual drugs, I also studied the other drugs and didn’t plan on ever doing them. I was afraid to do acid because of it’s being man made, I didn’t trust it with my already fragile mental health. I stuck to that throughout my teenage years and still into adulthood- I did try acid twice. Half a tab. Both times it was uncomfortable and I call this stuff acid but I’m well aware that in 2020 it’s damn near impossible to come across real LSD, I mean come on. People have argued with me about that but in my studies more sources have confirmed its rarity than have ever said it’s widely available. It’s not. So I don’t know what this blotted paper that I tried really was but I tried it to say I tried it and that was that.

Before trying acid though I had studied MDMA a fair bit. I was always so intrigued by the effects of MDMA and since sassafras came from a tree I thought it had a natural aspect to it and also saw many interesting accounts of people finding it a spiritual drug. So at sixteen I became intrigued enough to try it. What I didn’t know at that time is that there were compounds that were sold as molly that were either ACTUAL meth, or chemically similar to meth… So after having real molly maybe two times and falling in love with it I spent between 6 and 10 months doing MDMA and meth every weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.. Sleeping for 3 or 4 days straight, sometimes starting on thursday. Anyone who is an adult is probably aware of the molly come down being a complete draining of the serotonin in your brain. Leaving you feeling pretty shitty, depressed, pessimistic. Just basically in automatic negative thought mode.

To make matters worse I was struggling with a number of at the time undiagnosed mental health conditions, such as what I now know was anxiety, depression, anorexia, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Combined these illnesses probably have a list of about 25-30 symptoms that displayed themselves in very negative ways at that time and do still affect me to this day but I have luckily found some coping mechanisms that help me to deal with these symptoms, it’s still a mountain I’m facing and attempting to climb myself.

Prior to the drug experimentation I had already been smoking, drinking heavily to the point of blacking out and getting sick, severe self harm, monthly suicide attempts… So add a drug that sucks out the very little bit of serotonin that I did have leaving me physically and mentally drained and my scarce appetite even further suppressed and it was the perfect recipe for a dependency… After the initial use that made me feel even worse than I normally did, the drug began to be the only time that I would feel “good”. Once what began as experimentation turned into a dependency I began to buy whatever was being called molly. I noticed a difference in the high and knew it was fake but did not want to admit to myself that it was not just “fake molly” but it was methamphetamine. Most adults will also know what a tweaker looks like.. So after using molly for the first time I immediately became sickly thin, had no eyebrows, would turn what started out as a small pimple or blemish into a bleeding scab on my face every time I had one, I had been in a relationship for about 2 years leading up to this and with everything going on at home I was extremely dependent on my partner but my partner also felt that they had a purpose by being in a relationship with me so he relied on me in that way. We were codependent to a detrimental degree.

We were toxic, I was too emotional, he displayed no emotion. Our relationship was toxic before the drugs…. But when I did hard drugs for the first time he was not there and it quickly led to us breaking up… But when he watched what was happening to me and how quickly I was experimenting with other things he became scared and we started to do drugs together and stay together. Long story short our lives became hell. Everyone else was pushed out besides each other and I was leaving home often, his mom hated me, my mom hated me. It felt like everyone hated me, I was trying to complete school and it wasn’t working… From that first time my ability to rationalize was obstructed.

A child that wasn’t fully developed and was suicidal and suffered from mental illness, didn’t have a support system and had no positive coping mechanisms and the only relationships I had in my life were extremely toxic, this was the perfect recipe for an addiction…. The whole point of me going into this little part about addiction, is that addiction takes all the negative thoughts that plague you when you’re “normal” or not on drugs, and it pushes them to the forefront of your brain so that they’re all you can hear. Not only does it do that but it amplifies the desire to put an end to it because you can’t see anything good about yourself. Also because this negativity is literally a dark cloud over you and you become different than the person your loved ones knew to know and love ( even if the relationships were toxic and unstable to begin with) any small amount of good that laid within these toxic relationships is sucked out until it gets abusive and unbareable. Drug dependency can take even the most beautiful, solid relationships away, but when relationships are toxic to begin with often times noone involved knows how to communicate so it blows up and is UGLY, MEAN, and just traumatizing.

Drug addiction makes life a dark, ugly, miserable, scary place. I lost 5 years to drug addiction. I’m so glad to be sober now because I was close to dying. I had tried to kill myself a lot of times before I even began taking drugs, but with drugs you’re killing yourself every day knowing that eventually it will happen if you get high enough and it becomes a thrill and a gamble to take enough of something that you know it should kill you, but it doesn’t… You’d be surprised how the human body can be so resilient.

I couldn’t be more content to have shelter. To be warm, in a bed, with the things I need. Food readily available.. And things to look forward to. I’ve been keeping my small victories to myself, not wanting to jinx anything. Although I have publicly been celebrating my abstinence from drugs because that is no small victory. That is a huge feat for me. I’m 4 days away from my three months sobriety date. I’ve never felt this confident about it before because whenever I quit I didn’t have methadone, I could have.. But I didn’t. As I wrote earlier in this entry, I am a “perfectionist” which for anyone who identifies with that word, it doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means when you set out what you think or believe is the right way to do something in your head noone can tell you different. It’s being STUBBORN and even ignorant. For me I always quit cold turkey even though with benzos you can die from withdrawal and I almost did many times. My thought process about refusing to go on methadone was that I thought if I could quit without needing to rely on another drug which methadone is, then I would make my family proud. I thought I was invincible, like many drug addicts do and I thought I could be stronger than to need to rely on the governments method of beating addiction with another addiction. Like many addicts tell themselves. I thought I was different and wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to just stop everything. A few times I did… The first time I made it 6 months. This was before I had ever been addicted to cocaine, benzos, or opiates. This was when I was just addicted to mdma/meth. I made it 6 months clean off everything, then came the smoking weed all the time, then came poppers, then came alcohol, then came an embarassing blackout and too much food, then i felt fat, so then I would do molly again. It was a cycle that I had gone from experiencing every week into the weekend, then I made it the six months.. In that six months I was going for walks almost daily, I had a job at Sephora, I was studying metaphysics and holistic healing again.. I was studying crystal healing, eating healthier, and then I found my way back to the false cushion of drug addiction.

The next time I was sober I was living in British Columbia. Addiction had lead me to being sexually assaulted while I was blacked out. Noone helped me and afterward I was called such horrible things. I set out to walk on a highway known for the abduction of females and thought to myself how I didn’t care. If someone offered me a ride and raped me and slit my throat that would be it and at least I would be dead. That’s how broken and hurt I was at the time.. So I began walking with my camera around my neck and my suitcase. It was a beautiful sunset and I took photos and began to walk. Tears streaming down my face. I made it maybe 2 kilometers when a man in a truck stopped ahead of me. It was a new ford truck. The man was sitting there with his window down, looking out at me. He said “Are you okay?” And with that I started breaking down. He told me to get in and I asked him if he was sure. He said yes and asked me what had happened. I told him about the sexual assault. He told me that we were going to go to his house and he would introduce me to his wife over a bowl of soup. He told me that himself and his wife were eight years sober and members of the local Alcoholics Anonymous fellowship and didn’t try to push it on me.

I won’t go into too much detail because I do plan on writing a novel about everything, but long story short they accepted me into their household with open arms. They had a daughter that was 17 that looked at me as a sister and still does. They are still my spiritual AA mom and dad and I still speak to them. I went to AA with them a lot. My aa mom and dad brought me to a convention in Abbotsford BC where they had been on the list to speak as a family, the three of them. They invited me to speak with them. There’s a CD of us and it is beautiful. We all got emotional and cried during our speeches. That was the most pure love I’ve experienced to date… I’m sure if you’re reading this you may wonder why I left. Well there was so much love and I made it to three months sober quite easily, I won’t say gracefully though as there were many moments of tears and breakdown. I was working a full time job, doing quite well… and my little brother asked me on the phone “Arianne, am I ever going to see you again?” And with that my heart shattered. I love this child like my own, so I bought a plane ticket one way, in time for his birthday. I got there two days before. I thought that I was strong enough in my recovery to handle it. Even though my new family recommended against it. I got back and although my little brother was excited noone else really commended me for my sobriety as much as I thought they would. I regretted my decision but couldn’t go back on it now.

I was working two jobs, some days twelve hour shifts. I ended up seeking attention from a guy who brought drugs back into my life, and then came the worst relapse I’ve had yet.. New drugs were introduced into my life and in new amounts. I lost myself yet again. It was awful. Today as I wake and continue writing this entry, I don’t feel strong enough to go into detail of where addiction took me this time. But I’m going to stop the entry here and start my day. To anyone that is reading this I love you.

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awomanthinks · 5 years ago

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Journal Entry: August 16 2020

It’s sunday.

A few sundays ago I went to church with another resident at the government owned hotel/shelter that I’m currently living in while I’m waiting to get subsidized housing for when I’m in school. She was my roommate. We had very good conversation, I went to church with her a couple of times and she expressed a strong liking of the pastor also referred to as “The Prophet”… At an evening service the pastor was going around blessing certain people in the church. He chose me to bless and not her.. A jealousy came over her and she became very confrontational and tried to lead me behind a building on the way home and said in a very angry tone “I need to talk to you ari” I refused. I could sense her anger and I have a lot of anger deep inside me too and I did not want it to be triggered.

She became more and more angry with the fact that I would not speak to her. I knew I had done nothing wrong, said nothing wrong, nor even looked at her the wrong way. In fact, I had enjoyed the beautiful service and found it so profoundly touching and powerful and I loved it and felt overjoyed during and after. It upset me that she tried to take that happiness from me in a selfish, jealous, envious attack at my joy.

We ignored eachother on the way home. When she had addressed me immediately after leaving the church she had been raising her voice at me and addressing me in a very rude manner. Fortunately another member of the church was walking behind us. I rode the bus in tears of frustration… My roommate sat at the back of the bus. Away from me. I had told her that I did nothing wrong, I thanked her for bringing me to the service, told her I had a great time and that I was upset that she was now randomly changing up but I also told her if she is upset at me when I’ve done nothing wrong that is on her, not me and I am not going to be yelled at for someone elses problem. This made her more angry.

When we arrived at the subway station I did not look to see where she was, the man from church began to speak with me and ask if I had been at that church before. If I thought the pastor had answered my questions well. (My questions were “When you speak of the second coming of Christ, in your personal opinion how do you believe that this will physically manifest? To which the minister replied “ It is a mystery, noone knows” My question that I later asked to the pastor who is referred to as the people and himself as “The Prophet” was: “ So I asked the minister ______ , and he said noone knows. So if noone knows, how will you recognize that it is christ that has arrived, and by this do you believe Christ may already be among us on Earth? “ To which he replied that when Christ arrives it will be the end of the world and that he does not believe that christ is among us. He said that Christ glows, and is known by the people of the church so he would be recognized. I don’t share this opinion, but I asked so that I could hear his personal opinion.) I replied to the man from church and I told him that they answered the questions with their opinions and that was good but ultimately did not answer my question as it was quite philosophical and noone can answer that question with a factual answer as these ideologies are strictly hypothetical. I was surprised at how well the church received questions from someone playing the role of the devils advocate.

Anyway, the man from church then continued into a conversation about religion, his perspectives on Jesus, and so on. Then he asked the question of “Who was that woman getting angry at you outside?” I explained and thanked him for speaking to me as I had felt that I would feel unwelcome going back to the church after being treated that way by the person who brought me. He made me feel as though I would be very welcome to go back. We exchanged numbers and he later sent me bible verses to read and asked to discuss them.

I got off the subway at St. George station to ride two trains east in order to save myself a few stops rather than go all the way south, then two stops east, then up north. My roommate and I hadn’t been sitting together, and she continued to ride the train south. I didn’t object, I didn’t say goodbye. After addressing me the way she had I wasn’t intending on speaking with her until I received an apology. I said some positive affirmations in my head. Stopped into seven eleven and got a strawberry drumstick and made my way back to the hotel.

I went up to our room and got ready for bed. I started to feel somewhat guilty about having left her on the train in case she had fallen asleep or something or not been paying attention to me getting off and thought I got lost and might look for me and be late for curfew. These were irrational thoughts but I am empathetic so I genuinely worried. I waited and watched TV.

She got back… When she entered the room she decided to address me now that I could not walk away, we were in the same room so I could not refuse conversation… This was worst case scenario for me and best case scenario for her. She started yelling at the top of her lungs and I have complex PTSD, when someone yells at me I instantly go into fight or flight mode and if I can not run nor fight I dissociate. So being that it is a few weeks later I don’t remember the details of what she said as well as i remember the rest because I had panicked and tried to tune it out because it was unpleasant. I do remember “YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME” amongst a bunch of other yelling…. I remember saying “Control you? I’m not trying to control you, what have I done to seem like that” She yelled over me and continued and continued… In tears and a bit shocked and upset about having had such a great evening at church and just as I had in my childhood, any good experience or any experience that was supposed to be good was stolen from me by the nature of my guardian. As was this beautiful night. Stolen once again, but this time by someone that I have no attachment to.

I went downstairs and let the staff know what had happened and how I felt it was quite inappropriate that that occurred, I let them know that I would be okay to stay in the room I just didn’t know where it came from. It reminded me so much of the way I was treated in my childhood and early adulthood at home- blindsided whenever I was happy by extreme, overwhelming anger. To be honest, I was in tears. I was very frustrated that I have learned to control my reactions, and I do so all the time now and have for the past year or so of significant personal growth. Just because I am capable of controlling my reactions though, does not mean that just below the surface I am not bubbling with intense emotion that would love to come out in an ugly display. Or a relapse, or many other impulsive, destructive coping mechanisms.

I had thought back to the few days leading up to this explosion from my roommate. We had talked about believing in a higher power. We had bonded and she had been kind to me. She had told me she thought I was strong for being in Toronto on my own, going back to school, and keeping a smile on my face and she expressed great appreciation of the way I conduct myself. In our conversations she made it seem as though she was in a much better place. She asked me if I would take part in her podcast about struggling youth and kept telling me it was divine intervention that lead me to her. These conversations filled me with love and excitement, comfort, hope and inspiration. Of course these conversations were before this night at church, although we had gone twice together before she ended up lashing out.

She needed help with branding herself on social media. So I edited a photo for her background, I helped her change her bio on twitter, instagram, and youtube. I helped her with trimming her video in preparation for posting it. Helped her with composing her first youtube video title, as well as posting it on twitter, and instagram. I went and shared it myself. While I was helping her she laughed and called me her personal assistant a number of times. She laughed very hard about this and I thought that it was with joy. I was laying in bed, ready to sleep because the next morning we had church. She kept me up asking me to do one thing after another for her until after 2 am. I struggled to stay awake, but I am a people pleaser and she was the first person that I had heard call me inspirational, and appreciate my presence and call it divine intervention in a long time, so seeing her excitement and joy made me feel it was the right thing to do. She repeated over and over while she laughed. “ I can’t believe I have a PA! I have my very own personal assistant” I laughed a bit with her, but on the inside I struggled to feel good about this comment.

I mean, I am in this shelter preparing to start school in september. I am here getting sober. I am here to focus on myself. “Is this how it’s going to be staying in this room? My sleep interrupted to be someone elses personal assistant in a homeless shelter?” I thought to myself. “I guess it’s a distraction to my own problems” I decided. I didn’t object to being called her personal assistant.

So- Fast forward back to the evening that she created a volatile situation. Yelling and belittling me. Another thing I remember her saying was “ I thought you were so nice but you are a MONSTER” Nothing had happened….. I ran it through my brain over and over….. I knew I didn’t do anything. The only rational thing that could have upset her like that that evening was that the Prophet of the church put his hand on my head and blessed me while she stood behind me. She calls him “papa” and expressed quite a liking for him and is very vocal and interactive at the church and tries very hard to be heard by him.. This was the only rational explanation for such a drastic change.

I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. Not only was the joy that I brought home from church with me dampened, but so was my future with the church. That night I had signed up for my baptism and was looking forward to it. After letting staff know about the altercation, going outside to smoke, and returning to bed… My roommate said to me “ Let’s not fight Ari, I don’t want to fight”.. I was oh so used to this. Not being heard or having a say while having someone take their anger out on me, and then being expected to just forgive and get over it… I said “What’s done is done” And turned over and went to sleep.

I will never forget my experience at that church. The energy was spectacular. I know that she does not own the church. She shared with me her mental health diagnosis and I remembered that as she took out her anger at me. I felt as though to her it may feel like if I continued to go to that church that it would be to piss her off. Although it would actually be because of how beneficial I found the experience of going to church I obviously learned that she does not do well when it comes to rationalizing her emotions, and if she felt that I “ Stole” her church from her (irrational I know, but that is the only explanation of her reaction, me receiving attention from the prophet) I really wanted to continue to go. I have experienced harassment and discrimination from the police, and previous homeless shelters in Toronto as well as one in newfoundland. My confidentiality has been infringed on and many of my other human rights and I’m currently dealing with that as it is, so although that church was a beautiful connection for me to have, she was there first. There are more churches and I did not want to risk it looking like I was asking for an altercation if I continued to go. Often people like to make me seem like the bad guy, because my name is a racial slur and I have an inverted cross on my chest. (really and truly I get treated ways because of these 2 factors)

I live in such a diverse city, but diversity isn’t synonymous with inclusion. I love how diverse it is here. I’m so interested to learn about the cultures of other people that live here and everywhere else. I make as much of an effort as possible to soak up as much information as I can, like a sponge and ask questions when I’m speaking to others. Without making them feel like I’m treating them any differently than anyone else. I am just an inquisitive person but people are sometimes off put by that. I am just very comfortable in who I am and a lot of people do not like that as not everyone is comfortable with themself.

Anyway I’m going off topic a bit here, but it’s on me to gravitate to my own church to go to. It’s sunday today, and I’m sad. I’m sad because this isn’t the first thing that has been ruined for me by someone else. I have to be the bigger person here and find my own path though, because obviously it triggered her that time so I don’t want to have to be a victim if she were to get triggered by it again and to a different degree next time. I’ve been a victim enough in my life that to avoid any conflict there, I had to look like I didn’t want to go back. I have to look like a liar, who after telling the prophet and the minister that I’d be back, I didn’t go back.

I’ve not kept my word before, for other things.. But that was often drug induced or traumatic family incidents that got in the way. Right now being sober and knowing the reason that I can’t go there because of this has made me a little bit jaded toward getting to know anyone else at the moment.

When something seems too good to be true it usually is. I could not go back to that church without being asked “ Why didn’t you come back to church for a few weeks?” And to answer the question honestly, I would have to shame a member of the church that all she has is that church. That’s where she goes and is proud to have gone from stripper to church goer. (it’s in her twitter bio so I’m not sharing anything that isn’t public) And I’m proud of her for being passionate about it too. It’s just unfortunate that she is in her 50’s and had to treat a 21 year old the way she did, for what reason I’m still curious to know…

The staff moved me out of that room, to another room that I ended up getting assaulted by an old lady (if anyone who reads this wants that story like this post). But despite all the DRAMA that came with going to church with someone instead of finding one by myself to go to, I learned a few things, I learned that I have some questions that only I can trust myself on what I believe in my heart, like the ones that I asked the Minister and the Prophet. I learned that no matter how much better than other people church go-ers think they are, church is not a free pass to be abusive to people in their lives, but notoriously people who go to church are said to be judgemental and I will never sacrifice my mental health to be able to be around a person or certain group of people. I mean for certain things it’s worth it short term to just bare it and take it for the bigger picture, like school, some jobs (but not all jobs if it’s a person above you who is abusing their power that’s not okay). But friendships? Church? Relationships? There are too many friends, churches, and people out there for me to put myself through pain to fit in. When you’re in the right place you won’t be getting abused in order to move forward. But! When it happens it happens for a reason. As everything does.

I try to rationalize, maybe she turned on me then so I wouldn’t have to continue biting my tongue while being referred to as a personal assistant. (haha) Moral of the story: My sunday felt a little bit empty today… and it’s up to me to find another religious study to pursue, and a new community of people who believe to learn from. I will be sure not to get too close to anyone who takes their faith seriously enough to cast out those who do not have the same faith though, open minded people are where it’s at!

Anyway. Thanks for reading. Say your positive affirmations, or write them. Listen to a meditation. Eat healthy. Treat yourself. Breathe. Laugh! Smile. Love yourself <3

The next part of my post will be my positive affirmations; I’ve been doing this practice since I was 14 in my journals. It has kept my mind emotionally strong, has helped me cope with addiction, has gotten me out of addiction. Has helped me rationalize the things I feel inside as well as override negative thought processes with positive thoughts, feelings, and intentions. How I write them on this post is going to be exactly how I’ve been doing it for years. I’ve been wanting to do this electronically for some time because I am able to type faster than I am able to write with a pen, although I do still write every day with a pen as well because I like how it feels. Grandma (aka me) is trying to get with the future and go electronic! Lol. Enjoy! :)

My positive affirmations for Sunday august 16:

1.I’m so thankful for our health. Our health is increasing every single day, getting better and better. The health of my loved ones, family, friends, animals, other people on earth, and earth itself! Thank you for our healing and our overall health. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. <3 ( I always put thank you 3x because three is the number of creation)

2.I’m tremendously grateful for the resources that are available for us in Canada. The tax paying citizens of canada and the government of canada do really have some good intentions in protecting those that aren’t in a position to protect themselves. Of course there is a lot wrong with the insides of these operations and there is abuse of power and neglect just like in any other business but I have to say that I’m very thankful that the system is willing to work with us if we’re willing to work on ourselves. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

3.I’m thankful for a comfy bed to sleep in. I’m so thankful after having spent different times in the past few years sleeping on the floor, sleeping on couches, sleeping on futons, sleeping on whatever i could, wherever I could, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t say “thank you” to whatever bed I’m sleeping in and have trouble leaving it because of how my body and mind appreciate the comfort of a good bed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

4. I’m so thankful for creativity. The creativity that I possess and the creativity that I observe. Creativity is the nature of everything. Everything creates itself and creates am effect externally, I am a creation and a creator I am endlessly finding new ways to create and thus gaining appreciation for the thought and effort that goes into the creation of everything and everyone around me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

5.I’m so thankful for connection. I’m thankful for the knowledge deep inside me that I always have been and always have been connected to “All There Is” “The Multiverse” Or in other words, God. I am a part of this creation, as is everyone else and that brings me joy to remember that we are all a part of something that is a mystery to all of us.. But many of us still have the desire to learn and are excited to find out more about the place in which we dwell and the things that dwell here with us. Thank you for this beautiful interconnected place! Thank you Thank you.

6.I am always appreciative of my family. My family has influenced me greatly throughout my life. Different aspects of my family have inspired me to be like them, and other aspects of my family have inspired me to be anything but ( No offense guys ). I have learned so much from them and above all else I have learned to love, and to forgive from them. I believe that you can’t truly love without forgiveness because when you love someone deeply when they hurt you it hurts so much more than when a stranger tries to hurt you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for family.

7.I am thankful for forgiveness. The ability to forgive and the ability to be forgiven by others. This is the mechanism on which we move forward and are able to enjoy our present. Resentment and other negative thoughts that plague our mind and our body and create stress and illness within us when we are angry, or hurt or emotional in any way that is harmful to our being because of something that another has done that makes us feel bad. When you can’t change what they’ve done, said, or made you feel..When you can’t and shouldn’t attempt to control anyone else and are left wondering what can take the pain away- Forgiveness. That is the only thing. This is the key to feeling lighter and feeling free from the pain… New things will always happen in our life to test our emotional strength and self awareness and if you’re holding on to old pain on a conscious level and refusing to set the intention to forgive it will not only hurt the other person (if they care, if they don’t it will not hurt the other person AT all ) It will hurt us. It will ruin us and tear us apart. I set the intention to have forgiven EVERYONE for their past actions every day. If someone hasn’t changed their actions and doesn’t necessarily make an effort to even pretend that they care or want your forgiveness, or act like it doesn’t make a difference to them if you forgive them or not.. I still forgive and this is quite possibly the most challenging thing for a lot of people because a lot of us have had things done to us that we still think about.. But every time that we think about the pain someone has caused us, also send out the thought that we forgive them and that it is present now and we forgive. Don’t only say that we forgive.. Wish them positive things, think positive things about them, the more anger that comes up when you think of them, the more positive affirmations we should say for them because to say we forgive them so that we look like the bigger person does not actually do anything to lighten the load if we say it and do not really believe it.. For me it takes constant, every day effort to forgive.. And I put it in. I love everyone on Earth. I forgive everyone on earth. This does not mean though, that I don’t hold everyone accountable for their actions. And that is why I am capable of loving and forgiving everyone, but I don’t have to give them my time, my mental health, and my stability just because I love them. I love everyone from a far. I forgive everyone from a far… Because out of everyone else on Earth, I need to spend the most time loving and forgiving myself. That’s the person who’s there for me every day and always has been and always will be. So I love and forgive myself, all while holding myself accountable the way I do with others. I forgive you all and I forgive myself. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for forgiveness.

Alright! I’m going to stop at seven because seven is my life path number.. If you don’t know what a life path number is look it up! It’s all the digits of your birthday broken down to one digit.

So mine for example:

October, 6, 1998.

10 6 1998

1+0+6 1+9+9+8

16 +27

4+3=7 !!

Life path 7 is said to be the mystic! I’ll speak more about that another time.

Here’s a site that explains a bit about life path numbers: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/life-path-number-numerology-meaning#:~:text=In%20order%20to%20find%20your,so%20its%20number%20is%20seven.

A more descriptive website once you’ve figured out your life path number, read about it here!: https://feliciabender.com/seven-life-path-2/

The last part of my usual journal entry is my horoscope(s). I include my zodiac horoscope as well as my chinese horoscope! I am a because I was born in the year 1998. I usually do my affirmations at some random point in the day, but my horoscope at night so I can see if it was relevant at the end of the day, rather than read it in the morning and spend my day trying to act in accordance to what my horoscope “predicted”. That’s just me though :) And I also only write down the parts of it that are relevant for me. I sometimes read the regular horoscope, work horoscope,love horoscope, whichever ones on the list call out to me for that day!

So here’s my Libra horoscope for today:

-You need to be very vocal about your gratitude

-You will make it clear that you don’t believe in being petty or holding grudges

-Show the universe you are willing to wipe the slate clean and make a fresh start with anyone who is willing to treat you with respect.

-You don’t need to become a new best friend but you do need to start over.

Tiger horoscope:

-Good luck will smile on you today.

-You’ll benefit from certain invisible but efficient protections (I’ve been carrying amethyst with me all day)

-You risk cardiac palpitations. Slow your pace down a little. (Recently diagnosed with a heart condition and I’ve been slowing it down a lot, glad to receive this reassuring affirmation that I’m doing the right thing! <3)

That’s the end of my usual journal entry… It’s usually on paper but I’ve gone electronic and I thought I’d start using it to blog and maybe some of you will like the idea of adding this to your routine and I’d love to hear about if this benefits you at all! <3 Thanks for reading if you read it and I’ll be back tomorrow!

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