awonderlandsystem - Tumblr blog

[awonderlandsystem]

Experiences I have related to DID that I forget are literally because I have DID

- Feeling like my identity / sense of self is fluid & ever changing

- Being absolute ass at a specific thing and then being good at it later

- Thoughts / inside voices being fuzzy , distant , like a distant conversation

- Having fluctuating feelings toward friends/families/my partner

- Getting suddenly dizzy and finding it hard to move

- Realizing I’m not wearing what I originally put on

- Feeling zero emotions or feeling every possible emotion amplified 100x

- A lot more that I can’t remember right now, also because of DID

Me after realizing everything I do and feel is related to having this dissociative disorder 😦😦😦😦😦

[awonderlandsystem]

not necessarily sure if this is a DID thing rather than a trauma thing in general but it sure sucks living your life constantly doubting your own memory and feeling like ur exaggerating or making up your trauma

[awonderlandsystem]

I looked in the mirror today and thought I looked cute. Then remembered the completely unrealistic beauty standards of the world partnered with my undeniable body age and meh I look okay. I dressed up in my favorite pink outfit. Before that I did my exercises. I keep patting myself on the back but in the back of my mind I'm like normal people remember to do this stuff everyday! Plus do more stuff on top of it!! I still need to do certification studying today but I keep putting that off cause we're all stuck on an assignment. It gets too easy to just say let someone else handle it. It gets so easy to avoid doing things that actually doing things feels impossible. The parenting stuff gets easier. Tho Eva does that better too. She's still mad at me and now Ikelos is too because I was selfish on some things. Things I can't mention here. I apologized but meh they're still pissy. But I'm thinking by doing my exercises and maybe something else today they might not be so mad.

[awonderlandsystem]

Zoe here. I feel like ranting. It's been forever since any of us really did. There's this unspoken thing going on between me, ikelos, halo and Eva right now that because we made a choice, a big one, that we can't talk about it because whatever happens is our fault for going back. He was right tho. We weren't ready for the big wide world and it was overwhelming and hard and just kept getting harder. Ultimately we couldn't imagine a world without seeing them kids every single day. So we came back and we shut down talking about it because that's what we do. We just truck on and survive. And we have been, and doing pretty good for the most part. I miss mom tho. I miss the little town we were living in and I miss getting the help we were getting. We're stuck back in a rut again. Can't get insurance figured out. Almost out of medicine. Anxiety getting bad again! I'm trying to be helpful but meh I sometimes fall back into old bratty habits. I don't mean to. Disappearing into video games is a coping thing. Not the healthiest I know. I'm working on it. Inside this apartment it's so damn easy to slip back into this existence of just moving from one digital distraction to another. At least we're still doing to the certification thing. That's gotten super hard tho too. Why is everything so hard all the time!!! I don't even know what I'm doing most days. Laying low and trying to stay out of the cross hairs. There's no feelings of having any control here tho. At mom's we had so much control. We were driving and going places. I keep wondering if we made a huge mistake but I know how much we love the kids. The courts really screwed us because we left the state. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. I'm just so mad about it all but keep holding it all in. I wanna get back into therapy. asap!

[awonderlandsystem]

system meeting

ic: @smallsafespace

[awonderlandsystem]

plurality is like werewolfism. youre standing in walgreens and you look out the window and catch sight of the moon at the wrong angle and the back of your head starts tingling and you're like aw fuck ive gotta get out of here before the Transformation hits

[awonderlandsystem]

dissociative identity disorder is not just a fun alter disorder with friends in your head.

dissociative identity disorder is migraines and intense headaches when dissociated.

dissociative identity disorder is confusion and finding it hard to even form sentences at times.

dissociative identity disorder is every negative reaction to a situation that you could imagine, reactions that aren’t even coming from you.

dissociative identity disorder is feeling so detached from your own self that you have no idea who you are and what you even enjoy.

dissociative identity disorder is impulsivity and self destruction in so many ways. it can be violent and feel completely out of your control.

it’s so much more than just the disorder where you have alters, it’s something that can affect your every emotion and how you feel connected to the world around you. it’s a horrifying and isolating experience that takes you out of the life that you should be living your best in.

it’s a trauma disorder with a list of symptoms. not just the one uneducated people focus on because it seems to be the most “interesting” one.

[awonderlandsystem]

"I don't wanna talk to you, i wanna talk to [insert specific alter]!" I'm hitting you with my car

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[awonderlandsystem]

Me: We need to have more self-love!

[Alters start dating inside the system]

Me: I-

Me: ...

Me: Not exactly that but alright...

[awonderlandsystem]

"Trauma builds character!"

Well unfortunately for me it actually managed to build several

[awonderlandsystem]

Fronting experiences!

1. The helicopter parent

Alter just pops in out of nowhere uninvited and starts giving opinions on what you're doing

2. Curious child

Alter just starts asking you a bunch of questions on what you're doing and shenanigans out of nowhere

3. Thrown in

You're struggling! Quick gatekeeper! Throw a motherfucker here to help!!

4. The corner whisperer

You don't even notice they're in front with you until you hear them whispering from a corner all of your darkest thoughts

5. I'm coming for you bitch

You say 1 thing about an alter and then you can hear them sprinting to front, too late, he found you!

6. Positive hyperfixation trigger

Oh no i mention bees, now the little is fronting and babbling non-stop about them!

7. "ACTSHUALLY ☝️🤓"

You make one single mistake and THAT motherfucker comes out of nowhere to tell you how wrong you are, THANKS JACKASS

8. Party!

A lot of alters just front cuz something fun IS happening!!

9. Party! /Neg

A lot of alters just front cuz something horrible IS happening!!

10. You kinda just wake up together

You get to front and the other guy is just there with you too, alright then

[awonderlandsystem]

You are a good person. You feel loved and cared for.

You are deserving.

When you believe and accept yourself as I see you, your world will shift for the better.

Start small. Believe in one good thing.

And build from there.

Light the fire inside.

[awonderlandsystem]

plural culture is some alters oversharing, while the others refuse to even share their names

[awonderlandsystem]

Shout out to systems who cant get diagnosed. Shout out to systems who split easily. Shout out to systems with high introject counts. Shout out to complex systems. Shout out to systems with mostly littles. Shout out to systems with small alter counts. Shout out to systems who dont want to get diagnosed cause they dont want it on their record. Shout out to systems with nonhuman alters. Shout out to systems

[awonderlandsystem]