aworldformythoughts

[aworldformythoughts]

5/4/2022 4:41PM

just a bit of an update and closure.

i feel better now, and it’s all thanks to lucero. i don’t know what i would’ve done if it wasn’t for her, she means the world to me and i fear every single day that i’ll lose her love. but that doesn’t mean i won’t stop trying every day to show her how much i love her.

i still feel lost in what i want to do in life, but it’s been two years since i’ve started producing music and i can confidently say that this is my calling. i am uncertain about my success in school, but all i can do is just hope my streaming or music career will take off. also, my djing has been getting more traction and i owe all of that to my brothers, without them i would be nothing.

[aworldformythoughts]

8/24/2019 2:32AM

been a while. all i can say is although my life isn't holding a clear path for me to follow, and im just strolling in the pitch black darkness. life isn't all that bad, sure there are days that i really really want to give up but lucero. lucero lucero lucero. she's the one who's keeping me here. keeping me alive, afloat. without her i don't know what i would've done. without her i really really don't know if I'd even be updating this. i never forgot about it, i just never got around to writing in it. she means the absolute world to me. and i am so so grateful to have her in my life.

[aworldformythoughts]

8/21/2018  10:57PM

i just want some form of initiative from her. lately it just feels like im the one making the plans, being active to spend time with her, and most of all the one being rejected the most. i dont know what i want from her anymore. this feeling has gotten to my head, and has taken over my heart. i can no longer drown the emotions that i’m feeling anymore.

[aworldformythoughts]

8/21/2018  9:39PM

i don’t even know what i feel at this point. im sure that its just my insecurities playing games on my mind but a lot of the time recently I’ve felt like she forgets me sometimes. i really hope this isn’t the case but, today was a pretty big example of it. i am aware that she’s busy with moving into her new school and what not, but i just wished she didn’t make empty sounding promises. we planned to have this day after she came back from the beach, and i would feel much better if she told me if she wasn’t going to come home in time to hang out with me. that would be completely fine, communicating with me is all i want. but she didn’t. this entire day i have just been unbelievably unproductive, just drowning myself in video games like i normally do to drown the emotions. one text is all i wanted, a text saying that she can’t make it or anything like that. but i didn’t get anything. i even took so many naps just in the hopes of waking up to one, or being awoken by a phone call. still nothing. i don’t know, im sure she’s busy with her friends right now and just wants time alone i get that. i just wanted to spend time with her, fuck it im changing the perspective.

i just wanted to spend time with you lucero. you can’t just leave me in the dark like this, you’ve done this to me so many times and i’ve been so very very patient with you these last two years. learning how to drive, learning how to paint, it was all for you. you were my sole motivator in almost every aspect in every activity that i either learned, or picked back up. i’m so sorry that im so demanding at times, especially at the worst times when you’re feeling so much anxiety. im still learning but please, give me time. it’s all i want. fuck materialistic objects, i don’t need any of that shit. all i want, is your time. im aware that im never grateful for the few hours of time we spend with each other, but it’s simply because im never satisfied with it. I want more, a full day. and i know it’s just not possible, yet every night and every morning i still wish for it to happen somehow someway through some miracle.

[aworldformythoughts]

7/15/2018  2:47AM

im not entirely sure what to feel anymore. i feel lost, regretful, and doubtful. playing video games seems to help me take my mind off of it, just like always. but this is something that i don’t really want to distract myself from. after the last entry, full of doubt in the relationship, it felt like it really was resolved and that it was just me being insecure. after the talk on friday night, i should’ve known that she was hurting way more than i could ever imagine. i don’t feel like a shitty boyfriend, i feel like a shitty friend, a shitty person. it’s without a doubt that i love her and i care for her and i only want the best for her. but as i have failed to see her suffering and in pain right before me and yet to still demand to do things that she just simply can not offer any longer, is unforgivable. i feel, not numb, but empty. to say that she meant the world to me was an understatement. maybe i shouldn’t have told her what ryan said. after all, i didn’t really feel that way after our talk. we remain broken up, yes, but god i’d do anything to fix this. her and i are taking a break from social media. and while i do think that time alone from each other is a good idea, i never wanted any of this to happen. three whole weeks without her presence in the physical form, and then for this to happen is just complete bullshit. im disappointed in myself, im not even angry. i just wish i still had her. as i finish typing this entry up to go ponder in the shower, i wonder whether or not i made the right decision. because i really do miss her. i still worry for her.

[aworldformythoughts]

5/31/18 7:34PM

I don't know what i feel about my relationship anymore. I'm afraid too reach out for help. lately it just feels like I'm not wanted anymore in this relationship. it feels like its just me giving love, and she says in an exchange of words that haven't been given action. i miss her. i really do. and i love her still.

[aworldformythoughts]

5/30/18 2:09PM

so far, i feel okay. I've got graduation coming up, and a trip back home with all my friends after graduation. but i just don't feel okay at times. I'm struggling in school and I'm even uncertain about whether or not I'll be able to participate in graduation. and on top of this, I'm having relationship issues. those issues consisting of the emotional support and the intimacy just not being there. knowing me, she's probably just changed the way she expresses these certain emotions or she just isn't showing it at all. i just want her to want me just as much as i do, so i don't have to hold back or hide emotions from her. i wish i knew what she thinks of our relationship. i wish i knew if she was satisfied of me, or annoyed of me, or disgusted with me. because lately i feel like she has been disgusted and taken back because of my lust. it's just my insecurities and anxiety spiraling out of control and taking over I'm sure, but i love her so much i don't know what i should do. i don't know whether or not i should tell her.

[aworldformythoughts]

3/23/18 12:17 AM

it's a bad night tonight. though we're back together and the relationship is fixed, a lot of things has happened since the last time i wrote here. i know i don't have my mother's support, she didn't have to make it so obvious. her asking what's wrong with me as if I'm mentally ill just shows that she doesn't care about happiness. or anything like that, hell she doesn't even care when I'm trying to open up to her. to her, everything's a joke to me. but it's fine, i can't promise i won't be okay though. till next time to the future Wayne.

[aworldformythoughts]

12/5/17

it's over.

we got along so well

almost too well.

it started with my inexperience and naivety.

and ended with the two of us broken.

honestly with all my heart, I want to be with her.

but we broke each other, and that's unacceptable.

as we are broken we no longer fit together.

like a shattered porcelain plate that can't be put back together completely.

I'm sorry lucero, and thank you for making high school great and lively full of beautiful memories.

[aworldformythoughts]

9/10/17 started: 11:28AM ended: 11:41AM

so last night was probably one of the worst nights I've had. it just started with me trying to muster up the courage to change my own future with my mom. I wanted to confront her that I didn't want to continue volunteering at kaiser, that I didn't want to go into the medical field, that I wanted to go do something that I had passion for, that I enjoyed to do. which was anything art related ranging from graphics design to drawing and painting to ceramics. it's what I love and it's what I want to do. but just thinking about getting the courage to tell her that I don't want to do any of these things she tried so hard for sent me into a deeper depression than I have ever faced. I cried, I cut, and I just really did not want to be alive. if I had the guts to kill myself I wouldve done it by now, but I just can't. I cant leave lucero behind, I can't leave my brothers in guilt, I cant leave. so instead I dressed up and walked alone to Valencia, the place that started my artistic passion and lust. the only place that can satisfy my hunger for art activities. I walked over there with scissors in my pocket and sat down next to the bleachers by the baseball field. I just started crying alone, I never cried that much by myself ever before. and I also started cutting my left wrist, and made myself bleed. it wasn't much, but seeing the blobs of blood leaking out of my cuts scared me. it scared me to see that this is what ive become, that this is how much control my mom has over me. eventually I went home only to be met with insults and disappointed faces. my mom and dad. they said things like why would you do that are you stupid? and I never understand why you're so dumb like this. and honestly this was the first time I was unhappy about coming home, it was the first time I felt that my own home didn't feel safe. I just go into my room and just slept.

[aworldformythoughts]

9/6/17 started:1:49am ended:2:31am

so i always could've assumed that I'd come back here again. always a different pain to share and type down here. but this time it's different. this time it's about me and my girlfriend.

I think it'd help me if I were to start from the beginning and so I will. the problems within our relationship started about November/December of our junior year. she was just so stressed out about every single thing, math tests, avid notes, and even just simple homework. everything was weighing down on her and my grandmother's passing didn't help me and her at all. instead of focusing on her work she focused on me to get better, to make me feel better. I felt like such a burden, just such a complete waste of resources that could've been used to a greater cause. this ultimately caused her to become behind on her work, piled up with all the already created stress and now with my emotional problems. I took it upon myself to not tell her about my mental state or my emotions. which at first sounded like a good idea because she'd get her work done, she wouldn't know that I was still depressed and suicidal, and I wouldn't feel like such a sack of shit. but now looking back, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire lifetime. it caused her to feel incapable, not good enough, worthless for me. and it hurt me so much, and it still does today.

fast forward a few months, my mother starts planning what I'm going to do in the future, without me having a say in my own future. she planned that I head into the medical field. that I apply for kaiser as a volunteer to get familiar with the workplace. while this is all happening, I'm having problems with my relationship and decided to talk about it with my language arts teacher, ms. schiff. she helped me so much, and she was there for me nearly every time I needed to talk about something. she means so much to me as a teacher. the problems in my relationship at this time consisted of communication, lack of time together, and sadness surrounding the two of us. back to my forced future, all I want to do is to just do something art related. become a teacher in a high school or college, or be an online artists taking commissions, just anything. but I can't ever get the future I want. instead in forced to do this predestined medical field bullshit.

nearing the end of junior year is where it got difficult in my relationship. she had insisted on that we see each other less, go on dates less, and to give each other space. all in an effort to aid us in education. but god damnit this was the last thing I wanted. I never EVER wanted this. I never ever longed or wished for this. but I love her so much and I want her to have a better future so I decided to just suck it up. and from this moment on we began to lose the intimacy in our relationship. though it didn't vanish in one day, it waned over the summer vacation.

now in the summer vacation between junior and senior year. we hardly ever see each other, or talk to each other, or even share intimate private moments with each other. I love her so much, and to describe that it hurt to not show affection the same way we used to is a god damn extreme understatement. the intimacy slowly died down. and it was gone before I knew it. the day I realized it, I became extremely depressed. I was slitting my wrists, I was starving myself, I was crying every night. I hated myself for letting this happen. and I still do hate myself.

during I believe august, she goes on a camp trip with her church for an entire week. which meant no communication, no lucero. for a week, when all I wanted to do was talk to her. all I wanted to do was to hug her, hold her, show how much I love her. but I couldn't. and when she came back, she was different. it felt so different. she felt so distant, she felt so uninterested in me, she felt so strange to talk to. and I hated it so so much. all I wanted was to talk to her, I just wanted to have conversations like we used to. and I couldn't even get that. my depression and self harm worsened, and I thought i couldve ended it.

Monday. before the first day of school, I was doing community service with a friend. and I was very excited for school, because I finally get to see her. my love, my demolition lover. Tuesday comes and there's just such a clear disconnect with us. my excited mood self destructs and turns into depression and a mental breakdown. and yet I still had to go to the kaiser volunteering service that I was so forcefully signed up to. upon working there a stranger yells at me while my head was having a war with itself. the moment I get home I break down. harder than ever before.

skip to wednesday/thursday. wednesday was pretty normal and basic. until I get a message from my friend after school asking if I'd like to go to the park with her, and so I asked who's there, and she's there with my other friends and my girlfriend. I don't know why but I'm just so confused and angry and sad that I have no clue why I wasn't invited or even if i should be there. I still show up anyway and keep in mind that it was me and my girlfriend's monthly anniversary. I asked her to come out of the club but she refused and continued to do homework. I get sad and just go home instead, only to find out that she had forgotten that it was our anniversary. it hurt a lot, but I just said its ok, because it's just an anniversary and I didn't want to make her feel bad.

thursday comes and the two of us meet before school to just sit together. Im finally hugging and kissing her just like how I had always wanted, until she says something that broke my heart and honestly hurt so much. and that something was that she didn't want to show public affection anymore, and that she felt uncomfortable showing it. I'm just sad the entire day because it's all I had wanted to do. during lunch I wanted to run up to her and hug her, but then I remember that I can't. so I end up just listening to this song called "want you gone" and sit across from her at the table. she calls my name and says something but am not able to hear her correctly, so she gave up on trying to tell me and continued on laughing and having fun with her friends. skip to after school and I'm staying in the ceramics classroom with a good friend of mine who was trying to distract me from the problems she didn't even know about. and it was at this moment when lucero texted me that she doesn't even feel like she's my girlfriend anymore. and of course me and my over reactive ass starts to panic internally and cry on the inside. now by this time it has been the fourth time she tried to break up with me, and the other three time were for the future beneficial for us. for example the first two attempts were because she knew that she wouldn't have the time to care about me or be able to spend time with me. and I honestly loved her consideration and made me fall in love with her even more. the third time was because she felt like she wasn't good enough, and had wanted me to go find someone else who had the time to spend with me. the dates of when these occurred have left my memory but the most recent is what I obviously remember the most. this time I didn't want her to back out on her desire to breakup with me just because she felt bad for me or she just didn't want to hurt me. so I let her this time. I told her that I'd be okay, and we could breakup temporarily just like she had wanted. but hours later she regrets it and wants to come back to me. and at this moment I told her that I didn't want to (lie) and I had wanted her to stick to her word. this makes her sad and she says "you said you'd fight for me and that you'd do everything for me. I guess you don't love me anymore." and this only makes me so, SO angry. honestly, did she really think that I wanted to create distance, that I wanted to delete intimacy, that I wanted to not show public affection? @#$& no. I tell her all of this and it changes her mind. whether or not she's even remotely concerned as she's too busy, or even she even loves me, or even wants to try in this relationship is beyond my knowledge. however I believe that things are getting better now. the first time in forever she was the one to make plans, and she had wanted to go on a date on Friday. I can't help but be excited, even though excited doesn't quite meet the level of emotion I'm feeling whenever I think about it. but I'm trying my absolute best to balance optimism and the truth to not be completely crushed if it doesn't happen. I really really do want this date to happen but in this relationship? I don't know.

owari desu

[aworldformythoughts]

5/6/17 11:45pm

I just miss her so badly. we hardly ever see each other after school now, and it pains me every single waking minute. but it's okay, I just have to suck it up and stop being a useless, pitiful, disappointing, whiney teenage angsty stupid emo kid.

[aworldformythoughts]

4/24/17 7:39PM

I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I'm having internal anger tantrums over the smallest, and most selfish things. like not getting a last cuddle before we leave or having my date with her not go intentionally or even not having her for thirty minutes longer. these are stupid immature reasons to become angered over but yet I still become angry. I'm seriously no different from her past boyfriends, gio and Raymond. I'm just as easily angered, I'm just as immature, I'm just as stupid as them, and I'm just like them in every way possible. it's stupid and I just want to stop being so angry, perhaps the only method is the worst method. self harm, cutting my wrists might aid in coping with the constant overwhelming anger, and I can hide it from everyone I know. what more could you ask for? the only reason I even have thoughts of breaking up with her is because of me and only me. I believe that I'm the negativity in the relationship, the black in yin and yang, the shadow in the light, the dark in the corner of your eye. it's me, I always get angry and I always get her sad because she's fully convinced that it's her fault every time, when it's far from the reason. I'm sorry lucero for every time that I've become anger from my selfish tendencies and unstable personality. And I'm sorry to everyone who I've lashed out at because of it. that's all.

[aworldformythoughts]

4/13/17 12:06am

it’s late. I’ve just told Lucero to sleep and I’m just hurting so badly. I didn’t mean to say all those things about myself. I miss her so much, and it’s making me depressed. today marks the day where I refuse to cry ever. I’ll swallow my own tears if I have to. my reasoning for this is from the every 15 minutes assembly. just hearing the mother not be able to even say her letter without choking on her own tears just hit me. just thinking about how that could’ve been my parents if I ever did go through with suicide just made me want to cry. and even the footage of the fake car crash and all the blood and gore and injuries, just made me remember. the two car crashes my brothers were in, could’ve been so much worse. I could be the only one alive. my parents could have lost their children all together. these thoughts came flooding into my mind like sand pouring into the bottom half of an hourglass. it hurts so much just to think of all of these possibilities.

[aworldformythoughts]

4/9/17 2:22 AM

it's late. and I'm revisiting this blog, it still hurts just as much as I wrote it. I remember why I deleted tumblr in the first place now. I'm sorry lucero.

[aworldformythoughts]

12/22/16 9:44pm

wayne. you're the worst boyfriend anyone could ask for. you make her go through the worst pain. you make her hurt. you make her self harm. you make her sad. you feed her depression, do you understand? you are the worst. the most disgusting human being, I've ever met and i live inside of you. I've always hated the way you look. but i hate the way you act towards others more. the person you love. the person you'd never ever hurt. Lucero. you just keep on hurting her, and hurting her. you're tightening the noose around her neck. you are the one who gave her the rope. you are the one who gave her instructions. i hate you.

[aworldformythoughts]

12/21/16 7:22pm it’s been a while, i love her so much. i just wish i didn’t ignore her today. i still love her as much as i did the first time i met. she’s like that girl that I’ve always had the biggest crush on that I’d never get to be with. except this time i can call her mine, she’s just the greatest person that I’ve had the good fortune to meet. I’m honestly the luckiest guy i know, she makes me feel like I’m worth it. she’s pulled me out of holes that were self dug, she’s lifted my spirits so many times. it was always her, and I’m so fucking happy that we’re together.