awwsam - Tumblr blog

[awwsam]

I have refused to live locked in the orderly house of reasons and proofs; The world I live in and believe in is wider than that. And anyway. What’s wrong with Maybe? You wouldn’t believe what once or twice I have seen. I’ll just tell you this: only if there are angels in your head will you ever, possibly, see one.

Mary Oliver, “The World I Live In” (with thanks to Whiskey River)

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When spring came, even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself.

Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast (via litverve)

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The truth is available at every moment when we trust our own ability to discover it, when we have the presence of mind and balance to distinguish fear from intuition, to know the difference between a corrosive concern about our own capability from the disavowal of something not even worth doing. It’s an ironic age. The common belief is that cynicism proffers strength, or so we think. Really, it just leaves us stuck, unwilling to take risks and try things for ourselves. That’s where the real wisdom of mindfulness comes in. The practice of mindfulness is not a technique to be mastered, but a movement we make as we arrive in each moment to fully listen to and learn to trust the truth of our own experience.

Sharon Salzberg in “A Movement into the Truth of Our Own Experience” (via beingblog)

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thisisthewaythisisthewaythisisthewayfjgnffsjnsdjnsdsf

"This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper." I am being HAUNTED by the end of this poem. Its the first thing in my mind after i am woken by one of my nightmares, when i discover ive been choking on my own blood in my sleep, it is playing in my head to the beat of my throbbing headaches that never cease, it is the tempo to my pounding feet, as i attempt to run as fast as i can away from this NOISE that wont let me escape, it is with me at school, in my seemingly absentminded doodles, reminding me that i can never truly be free from it. am i going crazy? am i the only one that can tell that im this far gone? on autopilot, same old sam. make the same jokes. hike the same mmountains. drink the same coffee. say the same things. dont let them know that i am trapped. dont let them know that i am scared. dont let them know that i am broken. dont let them know that i am bleeding. dont let them know that i am weak. dont let them know that this is the way the world, my worlds, ends. this is the way the world ends. this is the way the world ends. not with a bang but with a whimper. my whimper.

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lost in my mind

Have you ever felt yourself so utterly trapped in your own mind that your very thoughts and memories turn into the prison walls that feel like they are closing in on you, suffocating any sense of logic or reasoning that might free you from the nightmare that is your past that you are being forced to dwell in. so trapped that consciousness is just as hellish as the night terrors that have you scratching and clawing yourself raw in your sleep. So trapped that reality becomes confused with memories and the subconscious, and there’s no foreseeable way out of this dark wonderland because it isn’t a fucking dream.  You are just paralyzed with fear and uncertainty and it feels like your perilously rapid pulse will make your heart explode from over-use.  The only salvation to hope for is the serenity of nothingness; to feel nothing, to think nothing, to be nothing- if only for a short while. 

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time never stops moving forward

i havent written in this bad boy in awhile. im hoping by now most of my friends that have the link have lost interest in lurking my life and i can safely return to being uncensored. 

Ive been wicked busy. I should actually be studying for my German test at the moment, but my mind is too clouded with stray thoughts. Im slowly clawing my way to happiness...i think? But you know, i kind of figured out that if i strive for happiness my whole life, I wont ever realize what i have right in front of me and i will never be satisfied. I have to enjoy my journey, troubles and all..or life will seem meaningless, right? By no means have my problems gone away. If anything, my debt has gotten worse, I still work myself too hard to get rid of said debt, my medical issues regarding my spine have not been alleviated, and I still am like oil and water with my roomates..but i find joy in the little things. I take life lessons from everyone i come across. I appreciate every breath I inhale and every moment of the day. 

Things I still need to work on:

1. do not come off as a pretentious bitch. I live the majority of my life in my head and am by no means an extrovert. As my roomates put it, i just need to smile more. I come off as abrasive  and snooty but in all honesty Im only quiet because I'm just scared. Of what? I can not exactly articulate into words, but I need to be able to.

2. Get a job where im appreciated and I wont kill my back. I deserve better. nuff said. 

3. Stop living in the past. Ive recently been having freaky dreams about the only person i have loved, and probably hurt the most. He was my best friend and he dragged me out of my darkness in my younger years; for that i owe him so much. We were able to talk about everything and anything and it was a deep and complex love operating on many different levels. He's still very much apart of my life in the way i think and act these days, and i constantly hear about him because of how intertwined our lives were. I cant escape him, but i need to let him go. Even im my loves that came after him, I always felt like things just werent right...i didnt feel as myself as i was when i was with him. Sounds corny, but its true. I need to move on and push forward but I havent quite figured out how to go about that just yet. 

So ill work on those goals, and check back in here more often. Life has just been too busy for me to even think straight. 

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The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire

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so busy...

been awhile since i posted on this thing.

Ive been trying to figure out this emotion thats been transforming my daily disposition but i cant quite put a finger on it.

I wouldnt call it loneliness, because i rather enjoy being alone...i think i am just full of things to say and havent found the right person to say them to.

Sometimes when i get overwhelmed with the absolute bullshit that pollutes my life, i flip through my contacts in my phone and become increasingly more depressed as i move from A to Z and still cant pick out a person that i would want to tell, or even who would care about listening to me. 

I can feel myself starting to shut people out again. Its an endless cycle with me...i go through spouts of extroversion, get some sort of heartbroken or have my trust betrayed, then i crawl back into my safe little shell and resign myself to searching for new obscure bands to obsess over and classic literature and poetry pieces as my main source of entertainment. 

Im not saying that im going to be like this forever and im not so cynical or vain to say that theres no one out there that will understand me. but they sure are taking their sweet time to find me. 

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The pain is coursing through my body right now with a fierce and menacing energy. All I want is sleep. Unconsciousness. A break from the sensation of being beaten with a hammer, from burning alive. how did I become so broken? I would trade a year of my life to never feel a pain this intense ever again. A little motivation for sleep by one of my favorite poets, mr. Keats: To Sleep- O soft embalmer of the still midnight, Shutting, with careful fingers and benign, Our gloom-pleas'd eyes, embower'd from the light, Enshaded in forgetfulness divine: O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close In midst of this thine hymn my willing eyes, Or wait the "Amen," ere thy poppy throws Around my bed its lulling charities. Then save me, or the passed day will shine Upon my pillow, breeding many woes,— Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole; Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards, And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.

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These long days are killing me. First time I've sat down since 425 this morning, and it's almost time to get up and do it all over. I'm working my ass off to try to rise above my circumstances but I am running on E, my friends. My gears are worn out and my frame is rusted. I, for the first time in my life, am terrified and don't know what to do or who to turn to.

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Doctor is trying to make me superhuman. Evidence: - giving me someone else's blood= vampire status - attaching me to an electrode emitting device I have to keep on my spine all day- robot status. So, I'm obviously some sort of superhero now...where the fuck are my rock hard abs and admiring fans?! Truly an injustice if I ever saw one.

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Vanilla bean cake with a lemon curd filling and a sweet minty buttercream

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Tieramisu cupcakes!

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Not sure if I have the willpower to get through the week. Gotta handle myself though because I sure as hell have no one to lean on right now.

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So many things dragging me down but I don't have the heart to let those people and situations go to focus on myself only. What a conundrum. I just want to not be in pain and to finish school and get the fuck out of San Diego.

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S'more cupcake

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Don't ever get married

Than you David's bridal for fucking me over. I'm so glad I have to pay for two bridesmaid dressed that I never used yet couldn't get refunded because they were special orders. And thanks a bunch to my ex, who sneakily took his account information off the card and replaced it with mine right after we broke up. I commend you for your quick thinking, douchebag. Thanks to you I unknowingly ruined my perfect credit score. Now where the fuck am I going to come up with 700 dollars? I was foolish enough to give all my money away to anyone with a sob story and now I'm fucked. I'll never get back to school :(