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just saw a birth announcement thing that was like "3 inches went in. 19 inches came out" and i am on the floor in tears i'm laughing so hard what is wrong with heterosexual people

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affirmations: you are not real, you don’t have feelings, you don’t want anything, this will be over soon

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Arugula is some crap they found on the ground for real

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"Do you ever dream of land?" The whale asks the tuna.

"No." Says the tuna, "Do you?"

"I have never seen it." Says the whale, "but deep in my body, I remember it."

"Why do you care," says the tuna, "if you will never see it."

"There are bones in my body built to walk through the forests and the mountains." Says the whale.

"They will disappear." Says the tuna, "one day, your body will forget the forests and the mountains."

"Maybe I don't want to forget," Says the whale, "The forests were once my home."

"I have seen the forests." Whispers the salmon, almost to itself.

"Tell me what you have seen," says the whale.

"The forests spawned me." Says the salmon. "They sent me to the ocean to grow. When I am fat with the bounty of the ocean, I will bring it home."

"Why would the forests seek the bounty of the oceans?" Asks the whale. "They have bounty of their own."

"You forget," says the salmon, "That the oceans were once their home."

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Fullmetal Alchemist?

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anders like "i need ingredients for a . potion. that will split me and justice from each other. even though i said it was impossible before without me dying. forget about that i lied. will you help me find the ingredients. ok thanks the first one i need is nitroglycerin"

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the weight this image holds

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☺

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if you say the word "hungry" around Tucker he activates.

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The Scheming Advisors' Group Chat

TreacherousVizier: Anybody else think the King's glass could do with a little… additives? 😈😈😈 (🍷 5) (😈 7) (👍 4)

UnfavouredSecondSon: Father seems so weak lately. Why, he might even perish from a single stumble! (😈 6) (👍 7) (👞 3)

NefariousJester: Ho-ho-ho! Tricks and games my liege might play, but for his sins he may well pay! (👍 3)

TorridTurncoat: It is such an honour to serve as His Majesty's closest friend for so many years! Why, the court is so fond of me that they would never suspect the knife in his back to be planted from my trusted palm! (😈 10) (🗡️ 9) (👍 8)

RighteousSquire: Any body else want to get up bright and early so we might protect His Holiness from the first moments of dawn? 😇😊 (👎 14) (😠 15) (🗡️ 16)

[RighteousSquire has been kicked]

BackstabBot: @RighteousSquire has been added to List: "Guys we gotta get rid off" (👍 8)

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my toxic trait is I see those dog shit mobile puzzle game ads and they almost work on me bc I'm like "you fool! The solution is right there! Let me show you!" every time before I remember that's the exact reaction they're trying to elicit from people to get them to download whatever ad-dispensing data-harvesting garbage they're actually making money with