axehandles-2019

[axehandles-2019]

Axehandles 2019 UK golf tour turned 1 today! My how times have changed ....

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DAY 21 LORDS RAINS BEER

That last tour day arrived with a second attempt for seeing action at Lords. Like excited kiddies we devoured The morning session before more rain set in.

Off to the bar where we encountered all sorts of odds and sods and as the day wore on delirium set in. The tension of 3 weeks on tour had us in a physically depleted state. We again had to be asked to leave at close to 7, some 6 hours after the last ball for the day had been bowled. The tour leader suffered vertigo but we managed to get home...the rest is a blur.

That’s it......it’s over. The Blessed Virgin Mary has booked in for the next tour and promised to bring baby Jesus as well!

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Day 20 (golf day 13) Miracle at Cinque Ports

The feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary dawned dry & almost sunny for the final round of the British Championship. Our three weary contestants, somewhat overcome with emotion & lager from their pilgrimage to the rain drenched home of cricket, made the 2.5 hour trek towards the white cliffs in expectation of a nail biting climax to the event, Andrew clinging to a 4 point lead. However, unbeknown to his comrades, driver Mick had decided to silently call on BVM herself to intercede on his behalf, eschewing the attentions of baby Jesus whose efforts, to be fair, had been a little sketchy on his behalf. What transpired over the next 4 hours is already being hailed (by ScoMo & some others) as the Miracle of Cinque Ports, as M.J. Jenkins tore the course apart, compiling an eye watering 46 (yes, that's 46!) points in a display of golfing excellence rarely seen outside a major tournament. At the turn, MJJ had already scored 25 points & had turned the 4 point deficit into a 5 point lead. By the end of the round, having compiled another 21 points, MJJ finished the tour 10 points ahead of AOK, who was not disgraced with a final round 32 (16, 16), & well in front of GOC whose 29 points (12, 17) included 6 wipes and 2 lost balls on the 18th (1 hole too many...).

In the official presentation in the clubhouse after play, Royal Cinque Ports Golf Club offered Mick the choice of trophies from their impressive display & agreed to re-name the R.G. Menzies honour board after his countryman & new local hero.

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DAY 19 LORDS

Well bugger me! Up early and all excited for the BIG DAY.....the spiritual home of cricket for the Ashes day 1. Then the heavens opened. We hightailed it to a bar undercover and from there would talk and drink with any soul that came within distance. As the day wore on the details become a tad foggy....hard to recollect.

Note: Day 18 was a rest day.

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DAY 17 (golf day 12). BERKSHIRE’s A PUSSY CAT

A feared beast for its swathes of heather Berkshire proved a happy hunting ground in an evenly fought day. The Kid from Katty, despite a wee choke on the back 9, had a 38(23/15)including a 3 par run rudely interrupted with a 3 putt.....to win by two. Next a tie bw MJ on 36 (18/18) and GOC 36 (16/20). GOC had 3 birdie chances but alas remains the ‘birdie virgin’.

A beautiful day but then it bucketed down for the last two holes to give Berkshire some revenge.

Then off to Windsor racecourse where we duly backed the first winner at 7/1 and proceeded to hand it all back as the method of just blind pointing a pen at the racebook failed to stand up! We had freebie tix from an Irish jockey we ran into at Ascot and he could not escape Andrew’s grip....you know exactly what I mean. 5 tickets meant we were joined by Ann and Maryann to celebrate Ann’s 60th. The meeting was not completed until Ax had the course announcer tell all and sundry it was Ann’s birthday. It’s debatable whether the announcement she was also 60 was detail that failed the etiquette test.

Finally off to dinner at Windsor town to continue to celebrate Ann’s coming of age ...it’s one she definitely won’t ever forget!

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DAY 16: Lay day

FINALLY! Well, sort of. Headed out to Betty’s shack otherwise known as Windsor Castle, had a couple of pints, debated how many Royal Houses there’s been and, most importantly, who is older....Chuck or Anney Windsor? Chuck is the answer in case you give a hoot).

Then off to a Thames-side pub some miles away in Eton based on an authoritative tip from Ax. Turns out it was some hundreds of meters away from any river but was right near a tap!

The day finished with a pasta home meal and all snoring away in front of watching Bohemian Rhapsody.

A lay day in name only!

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Axehandles British Championship on knife’s edge

After 11 rounds (if you include the practice round) & with only 2 rounds to go, the race for golfing immortality is almost as close as Mick’s preferred haircut. In legitimate rounds (& deleting 2 worse scores), Andrew on 248 leads Mick on 246 with Guy left dreaming of St Andrews on 231. If the Troon practice round is taken into account - Court of Sports Arbitration yet to deliver its ruling - Andrew on 289 extends his lead over Mick by 1 shot, 289 to 286.

The Berkshire & Royal Cinque Ports await - with Day 1 of the Test at Lords intervening, it might come down to who recovers best from a dozen pints watching the Aussies drive home their Edgbaston advantage.

Further data from the tour -

Best scores - Andrew 39, Guy 39

Best practice rounds - Andrew 41, Mick 40

Worst score - Mick 18

Most consecutive pars - Mick 4, Andrew 3

Most consecutive wipes - Mick 8, Andrew 6

Most birdies - Andrew 5, Mick 2

Most airies- Andrew 3, Guy 3

Most steaks returned to kitchen due to overcooking - Andrew 1, Mick 1

Most steaks returned from kitchen even worse cooked - Andrew 1

Most winners picked at Ascot- Andrew

Most devastating result - Mark Zahra finishing 2nd in the jockeys contest at Ascot after we backed him at 34/1

Best local cricket comment - “You can do it boys, the Aussies won from here” - Andrew to Bracknell CC 1sts as they slumped to 8/122 chasing 267

Stay tuned for the final washup from Royal Cinque Ports!

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DAY 15: LADS BREAK BOOKIES IN ASCOT STING

Having arrived in Bracknell Forest we expected a country lane Airbnb that turned out to be drug central in the housing commission. If you don’t have a hoodie here you ain’t a local!

Being a golf lay day we readied for race day at sacred Ascot having decided ‘pink’ was the day’s color. We bet the house and broke square for the day. No idea how much grog we consumed but we stayed for an hour or two after the last to celebrate with Ann Hogan and Maryann Bills (Brunt) having weedled our way into the private dining room.

A tad worse for wear we staggered off to dinner and on the way ran into a local cricket match featuring the Bracknell 1sts who were bunkered down needing 150 off 20 overs with 7 down. We motivated the lads with an array of barbs especially when Bracknell reached 8/122 aka Edgbaston. Having taken advantage of the beer on offer and the chicken sandwiches we firmly believe we made their day much better for having 3 inebriated Aussies provide running commentary.....they may agree to disagree.

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DAY 14 (golf round 11): BIRKDALE FAILS TO BODY SLAM INTERNATIONAL CONTINGENT

Expected to be be similar to Custer’s last stand Royal Birkdale did not, I repeat DID NOT, rip us to shreds.

Stepping into the first amongst grey ominous skies and a 2 club breeze the mood was pensive. The day of reckoning had arrived. We’d spent the prior day tapering with a liquid lunch and Beatles tour. We were ready and entered the ring at 11am. Bravery ain’t the word....more so loopy!

Axe (I hate bunkers) ripped the first 6 apart with 15 points before a case of the staggers brought him home at the tail of the field in 26 (16/10 and 6 wipes). GOC showed flashes of chipping brilliance with a 29(12/17; 5 wipes and 5 threes). Mick won the day with a 35 (21/14 4 wipes/5 threes and 2 fours but also The Sally...that’s never been done to win and get the Sally!).

We were brave...very!

On the 6th and the clubhouse (note the casual water in the background]

And the original Sally!!

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DAY 13: BEATLE MANIA ENGULFS THE AXEHANDLES in LIVERPOOL.

After playing golf 8 days a week and not being able to get to bed last night when we should’ve been asleep we looked out the window and exclaimed “here comes the sun”. So we came together and took our lonely hearts on a day tripper magical mystery tour of the Fab Four. We bought a ticket to ride with Young John (cabbie and paperback writer). He did the honors as the baby who could drive a car and be tour leader. We said don’t let us down and he retorted that he’d do us no harm and that he could work it out). We did the houses of the lads and looked through the bathroom window, clubs (Cavern Club), Strawberry Fields, Penny Lane, visited the sacred site where John and Paul met (it was in a church’s yard) and ending the day at the Philharmonic pub (site of the recent Carpool Karaoke episode). It felt like it was only yesterday...because it was only yesterday.

We needed someone to take pics of us standing there and after our fill it became all too much and we felt more like 64 than 60! Andrew said please, please me to GOC who wouldn’t even hold his hand!! We decided that all things must pass and to let it be and ended the day early to be ready for Royal Birkdale

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DAY 12 (GOLF ROUND 10) ROYAL LIVERPOOL

Douglas Mawson had it easier when he was lost in the Antarctic for a month and ate his huskies to survive. There’s s a lot of parallels! WE NEED MORE PROTEIN.

After a drive from LStA to Liverpool Ax won the bikkies with a 28 with his driver behaving, then Mick 27 and GOC 26. Thin fairways, deep rough and howling winds took a toll. In truth Royal Liverpool won hands down.

On the fitness front Ax leads that list with least cramps, Mick a hobbling second and GOC trails the field. Young GOC will need a vet check before being stretchered Birkdale tomorrow. 50/50! A medical unit will need to be on standby.

Today the first lay day and a Beatles tour awaits.

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DAY 11 (golf round 9) LYTHAM ST ANNES D2

After a hearty breakfast of anti-inflams, Panadol and flu tablets we abandoned the lay day and headed back to LStA to test our resolve in 25-50km winds. We should’ve stayed with the lay day!

Scores were Mick winning the Layday Cup with 35 (20/16), followed by Ax with 24(14/10) and GOC 22(10/12). Ax’s driver didn’t behave and GOC was tempted to call it a practice round from early on. Bunkers everywhere incl one where they left a miner’s hat and lamp on the edge...at least they should have!

Whoever said age shall not weary us needs to take a good hard look at themselves. We hobbled home to Indian takeaway and lots of discussion on everything and nothing, just not golf.

Today we venture to Royal Liverpool and tomorrrow a day off...we will not succumb to any temptation to tame the beast but more likely find a massage and lick our wounds....maybe.

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Controversy stalks tour

Not since the announcement of World Series Cricket during the ill-fated ‘77 Ashes tour has an Australian touring party in this country been riven by such dispute! Forever hereafter to be known as The Troon Troubles, two members of the touring party abandonded their stricken comrade to play a practice round, but having played the games of their lives, returned to his sick bed alleging the round counted towards the British Championship! The incident will be referred for determination to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, or to Magistrate John O’Callaghan if the frogs are too slow to respond.

In the meantime, it’s time to update the statistically needy with current scores, bests & worsts, & sundry other information, adjusted as required for the Troon Troubles -

Total scores (including ‘practice round’ & after deleting 2 lowest rounds) - AOK 209*, MJ 188*, GOC 176

Total scores (legitimate rounds only, deleting 2 lowest scores) - AOK 178, GOC 151, MJ 148

Best scores - AOK 41*, MJ 40*

Best scores not in a practice round - AOK 39, GOC 39

Worst score - MJ 18

Most birdies - AOK 5*

Least birdies - GOC 0 (3 near misses)

Most 5 pointers - AOK*, MJ 1

Most lost balls - MJ 20 (inc 2 off the practice green at St Andrews)

Most unwarranted references to North’s best 10 players in 150 years - AOK 10

Most unnecessary haircuts - MJ 1

Best new nickname - AOK “BFC”

Best new friend - Andrew lookalike Frank in St Anne’s pub

Best place to be when Aussies win at Edgbaston - ENGLAND!!

Royal Troon - Second best card of the trip

PS you can add and read comments by clicking on the chat bubble under each blog

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DAY 10 LYTHAM ST ANNES LANCASHIRE

LSA took us on today and won. She bore her teeth today on the back nine but a closely fought affair with Guy ‘tiger birdie virgin’ taking the points with 27 (18/9), Mick (The Demon of Aberdeen)26 (18/7), Ax (Driver extraordinaire now renamed Frank on 24 (15/9). If you don’t get the Farnk bit best you see the photos from yesterday at the local pub here in LSA.

The weather has been a tad kind but a small zephyr appeared on the back nine that proved to be a wrecking ball. I would like to call it cyclonic but can’t. We’ve decided to return to the beast tomorrow and give up our lay day. We’ve washed the game away with beer and debating if John Ronaldson drop kick for goal in the Tigers 1967 GF victory was 85m....turns out the scratchy black and white GF replay showed it as 45m. Day done I reckon. Time to drown our sorrows.

There is a Troon postscript: I failed to mention Ax getting the second 5 pointer for the tour. It was a birdie on the second hardest hole....a par 5. I failed to mention it as I scored the other!!

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Day 9 Troon

On the 7th day (of golf) GOC rested. We said farewell to Karrie who left the ailing GOC in the capable hands of Andrew and myself. We hightailed it straight to Royal Troon so we could discuss his care management plan.

Well, well, well the golf amongst rain squalls ended in a win to the relentless Ax with 41 (21/20) points and moi with 40 (24/16) were the first 40’s of the week.

GOC, in a delirious semi-conscious state declared it a practice day. The alternative view is he was a scratching at the barrier and this the official status of th round remains in place. We tried to soothe him by taking him through the round shot by shot but, for some unknown reason, he didn’t get the same joy. I think we should take him through each again to ensure he gets the joy we did.

Today is a rest day and we’re on our way to Lytham St Annes for 3 nights. We stopped at a pub for lunch and asked a thick accented Scotsman at the bar if he new where a chemist was to get some cold and flu tablets. He turned and said to GOC ‘man up lad’ which Ax and I have decided is the correct health plan

The pub and Steve Smith’s 100

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Mick with the family honour board.

Ax with the Scottish (Axehandles) Championship Trophy (held in perpetuity at Royal Troon)

The tempest cloud that followed Mick as he choked on the last to loose by one.

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DAY 8 TROON

The day began with a 2 hour drive to Troon and settling into the Troon gaol we booked as an Airbnb. Then off to Troon a tad ragged from the previous nights play up waxing lyrical about conquering StA was similar to the Norman Conquests. Guy was busy thinking about his book signing tour when he returns to Oz.

So, what happened? Troon didn’t seem to welcome us as per the feting we had received elsewhere alas. Ax recovered his form with a storming 35 (16/19) and taking the Scottish (Axehandles) Championship by one shot from Karrie with a 31(19/12), moi with a 30(13/17) with early signs of the infamous Aberdeen meltdown thankfully extinguished and an unhealthy Guy fighting the triumphmant StA blues with 25(10/15) and a lurgy on top. The final Champioship results has Ax winning by one and in the distance Guy and Mick equal 3rd.