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I wish I could look into the future, and see how things end to determine if things are worth pursuing. Some of the most important things in my life crashed around me, things I thought were good for me, things I thought were permanent. I got comfortable. I trusted. And while I know those things were placed in my life for a reason, and taught me a lot, I can’t help but wish sometimes I could’ve seen the ending to make an informed decision to avoid them. To say I regret them isn’t the trust. I just wish I could’ve and would’ve protected myself more.
I don’t trust my judgement anymore as a result. I don’t trust I know what is good for me, that I can determine that. I find myself more and more depending on how others view the decisions in my life, to determine if I’m making stupid choices or pursuing things I ought not.
I want to be stable. I want to make the right choices. But I need to accept that nothing is permanent, and it’s about lessons learned. Nothing is a mistake. I need to learn to trust myself and trust I know what’s right in my life, for me. But I can’t grapple with the insecurity that those around me may think I’m making stupid, dumb decisions. That they may feel sorry for me for not being smart enough.
I try to trust myself, but end up overthinking everything to death to figure out if I’m making the right decisions, if I can trust the process.
I can’t get over the fact that I’m making a stupid choice in my life right now. I’m consumed with what everyone around me thinks, or will think, about me exploring something. That in the end they will be right and I am wrong. There are days, weeks, I allow myself to casually allow myself to immerse myself in this situation. That I allow myself to want to explore how this will go. It will either end in being let down, end in me potentially being heartbroken and lied to. A real strong possibility that I cannot myself ignore either. But to say it doesn’t feel right, I know I’d be lying. There is a sense of safety I feel in the pace of this. To really get to know someone before my feelings overshadow the situation and to rush. I can allow myself to slowly open up at a pace I’m comfortable in. A pace I won’t find myself freaking out about allowing myself to open up. To one day it catching up to me and realizing I’m trusting someone, I’m opening up & to inevitably hurt myself and someone else by my fear of closeness.
There are so many red flags. Not necessarily about the person, but about the current situation. These things rarely ever end up good, and I kick myself for even being in this situation more times than I can count. That I myself believe I’m so naive and stupid for wanting to explore this. My overthinking and insecurities has created rough patches that didn’t need to happen. But I can’t help but feel the need to protect myself. I go back and forth between wanting to naturally allow myself to mindlessly explore this, and this unavoidable place I get in my head of picking apart everything.
When I don’t worry about being stupid, or appearing that way to others I find a comfortability that makes me feel safe and feel I’m protecting myself naturally. But when I do, I find myself in a type of fear I can’t escape.
In the end, I just wish I could see the outcome. Because I don’t want to go through putting effort and time I will never get back.
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