ayametwalli

[ayametwalli]

My Testimony about 31 December 2019

First things first, I am very sorry for the amount of pain that F.F went through, and I apologize for whatever it is I did intentionally or unintentionally that was consequential of this pain and I wish that one day she would heal and be able to forgive me for my unintentional involvement in her part of the story.

Barzakh, 31 December 2019.

Ma3azef organised a new year's eve party at Barzakh in Beirut and I was invited to play.

At the time I hadn’t met B.S personally before. We had only made a track together over the internet and we got to meet and hang out for the first time that night.

B.S was a walking disaster at the party; from pushing N.E who was part of the Ma3azef crew at that time during a sound problem during my live set, to fighting with several people to reeking of toxic masculinity all over the place. He cursed me for the fact that the audience gathered for my DJ set instead of them seeing his live set that was happening at the same time on another floor. I took it as a bad joke. We then agreed that he will improvise some rap with me during my live set on the upper floor later on. I take it as a bad decision.

It was new year’s eve and the first big party right after the October protests had erupted in Beirut. Frustrated masses with the need to vent. Very cheap and very bad quality alcohol. Everybody who drank got abnormally drunk that night.

On a different note, F.F showed interest in me while dancing to my DJ set (more like my playlist really), which she does mention in her testimony, and I reciprocated that interest so we danced and hung out in a sweet intimate way. At no point did I force myself upon her nor touch or kiss her against her will and everybody who was there that night could see that we were partying together in a very amicable manner and many witnesses can confirm this.

B.S was also lurking around. And in my poor judgement that night I failed to realize how aggressive of a person he is and continued to be friendly with him and did not make the much needed decision of cutting him off.

At some point of the night around 4 am, I was hanging out with F.F when B.S approached us and said that he had some coke and asked if we would like to go take some on the staircase and we both agreed. We went up the stairs willingly; no one was forced into anything and no arms were pulled as alleged.

At that point there was plenty of drunken lust, B.S starts making out with F.F, she starts touching me, he lustfully rips off her stockings and he grips her body aggressively which later I learned that it gave her bruises. She did not ask him out loud to stop touching her, she was very lustful in the heat of the moment but I have absolutely no doubt that she was assaulted by that man. I wish I had better judgement and enough lucidity at that moment to assess the situation better, recognize her vulnerability and intervene accordingly.

That heated moment of touching and grabbing goes on for less than a couple of minutes until a man in the building sees us so we had to get up quickly and go back to the party. We went back to the first floor and F.F disappeared.

Around 9 am when we were about to leave, I saw her lying down on the couch and M.A, her employer at the time and the owner of Barzakh, next to her. I approached her, touched her hair, caressed her face lovingly and asked M.A for her number to check in on her the next day. He said that he will send it to me later and told me to just let her sleep for now and assured me that he will take care of her. M.A went home that morning and left her passed out all alone on the couch in Barzakh.

I left with B.S and he raped me at his place. Screenshots of the messages I sent him post that morning are published.

The next day, F.F messaged me on Facebook saying that she had lost her phone and that she blacked out, and that the last thing she remembers was us going up the stairs with B.S, asking me whether she fell asleep on the stairs or if we went back down all together. She had no recollection of anything past the point where we went up the stairs and B.S ripped off her stockings. I told her what happened. She said she had bruises, I told her that it was probably how aggressively B.S gripped her. She said that she was not conscious when she swallowed that pill (because of how drunk she was, as far as I understood) but did not accuse me of shoving anything down her throat nor harassing nor assaulting her. She spoke to me with an open heart about her experience of that night. I spoke to her with an open heart about my experience of that morning. I sent her screenshots. She was the only one who knew; not even my closest friends nor partner did know.

The day after, I reached out to check up on her. I asked her if she needed any help. At that point the switch against me had already happened in her head. Her tone had changed, she told me not to try to be her friend and not to talk to her again. I assumed that she's really hurt and I let her be.

A couple of weeks later, my friend J.K tells me that F.F is accusing me and B.S of conspiring together to drug and rape her.

I immediately asked for a meeting with F.F, M.A, N.E and A.H who worked with Ma3azef at that time. I was very angry at the accusation especially after I had shared my experience with F.F and couldn't imagine how she would accuse me of something like that. I impulsively became less empathetic and more defensive. I attempted to prove that I did not drug her to facilitate a rape as she imagined. She instantly responded with a new accusation that I held her against a wall, choked her, shoved a pill down her throat and kept gripping her neck till she swallowed it. I snapped and called her a liar because the audacity of the allegation was beyond my ability to remain composed and stay compassionate.

A very impulsive, immature and foolish reaction on my end and I wish I had handled that meeting more gracefully.

Nevertheless, at no point did I call her a liar for saying that she was sexually assaulted by B.S and actually offered to testify with her if needed.

The meeting ended unresolved and neither Ma3azef nor Barzakh attempted to follow up or investigate the matter.

(Note that the accusation of choking later metamorphosed into an accusation of an aggressive kiss in her online statement.)

This is the first time I am ever accused of something of that sort. I had never been involved in nor accused of inflicting any harm on anyone before or after that incident. I’m incredibly sorry for what F.F went through that night and for what women have to go through in the fucked up patriarchal world that we live in. I'm very sorry I wasn't able to protect her, but I wasn't able to protect myself either.

After F.F published her testimony, I tried to obtain her number to apologize to her privately about what she's been through, my irresponsible behaviour that night, my aggression during the meeting and perhaps remind her of my part of the story, but was told that she doesn’t want me to have her number so I have no choice but to go public as well.

I would unconditionally apologize a million times over and over again for my actions and my involvement whether direct or indirect in this much pain that she feels but I will not apologize for force I did not use, whether it be shoving a pill down her throat by choking her or kissing her aggressively so she swallows something or forcing myself onto her.

I’ve made many mistakes, but I am not a rapist nor a sexual assaulter. Never was and never will be. I am fully open to an investigation on that matter.

I genuinely wish that one day she heals and is able to maybe reconsider the distorted version of the story that was formed in her head overnight because of the amount of trauma she was subjected to.

Thank you for reading.

Aya Metwalli

[ayametwalli]

My testimony about 31 December 2019

First things first, I am very sorry for the amount of pain that F.F went through, and I apologize for whatever it is I did intentionally or unintentionally that was consequential of this pain and I wish that one day she would heal and be able to forgive me for my unintentional involvement in her part of the story.

Barzakh, 31 December 2019.

Ma3azef organised a new year's eve party at Barzakh in Beirut and I was invited to play.

At the time I hadn’t met B.S personally before. We had only made a track together over the internet and we got to meet and hang out for the first time that night.

B.S was a walking disaster at the party; from pushing N.E who was part of the Ma3azef crew at that time during a sound problem during my live set, to fighting with several people to reeking of toxic masculinity all over the place. He cursed me for the fact that the audience gathered for my DJ set instead of them seeing his live set that was happening at the same time on another floor. I took it as a bad joke. We then agreed that he will improvise some rap with me during my live set on the upper floor later on. I take it as a bad decision.

It was new year’s eve and the first big party right after the October protests had erupted in Beirut. Frustrated masses with the need to vent. Very cheap and very bad quality alcohol. Everybody who drank got abnormally drunk that night.

On a different note, F.F showed interest in me while dancing to my DJ set (more like my playlist really), which she does mention in her testimony, and I reciprocated that interest so we danced and hung out in a sweet intimate way. At no point did I force myself upon her nor touch or kiss her against her will and everybody who was there that night could see that we were partying together in a very amicable manner and many witnesses can confirm this.

B.S was also lurking around. And in my poor judgement that night I failed to realize how aggressive of a person he is and continued to be friendly with him and did not make the much needed decision of cutting him off.

At some point of the night around 4 am, I was hanging out with F.F when B.S approached us and said that he had some coke and asked if we would like to go take some on the staircase and we both agreed. We went up the stairs willingly; no one was forced into anything and no arms were pulled as alleged.

At that point there was plenty of drunken lust, B.S starts making out with F.F, she starts touching me, he lustfully rips off her stockings and he grips her body aggressively which later I learned that it gave her bruises. She did not ask him out loud to stop touching her, she was very lustful in the heat of the moment but I have no doubt that she did feel assaulted. I wish I had better judgement and enough lucidity at that moment to assess the situation better, recognize her vulnerability and intervene accordingly.

That heated moment of touching and grabbing goes on for less than a couple of minutes until a man in the building sees us so we had to get up quickly and go back to the party. We went back to the first floor and F.F disappeared.

Around 9 am when we were about to leave, I saw her lying down on the couch and M.A, her employer at the time and the owner of Barzakh, next to her. I approached her, touched her hair, caressed her face lovingly and asked M.A for her number to check in on her the next day. He said that he will send it to me later and told me to just let her sleep for now and assured me that he will take care of her. M.A went home that morning and left her passed out all alone on the couch in Barzakh.

I left with B.S and he raped me at his place. Screenshots of the messages I sent him post that morning are published.

The next day, F.F messaged me on Facebook saying that she had lost her phone and that she blacked out, and that the last thing she remembers was us going up the stairs with B.S, asking me whether she fell asleep on the stairs or if we went back down all together. She had no recollection of anything past the point where we went up the stairs and B.S ripped off her stockings. I told her what happened. She said she had bruises, I told her that it was probably how aggressively B.S gripped her. She said that she was not conscious when she swallowed that pill (because of how drunk she was, as far as I understood) but did not accuse me of shoving anything down her throat nor harassing nor assaulting her. She spoke to me with an open heart about her experience of that night. I spoke to her with an open heart about my experience of that morning. I sent her screenshots. She was the only one who knew; not even my friends nor partner did know.

The day after, I reached out to check up on her. I asked her if she needed any help. At that point the switch against me had already happened in her head. Her tone had changed, she told me not to try to be her friend and not to talk to her again. I assumed that she's really hurt and I let her be.

A couple of weeks later, my friend J.K tells me that F.F is accusing me and B.S of conspiring together to drug and rape her.

I immediately asked for a meeting with F.F, M.A, N.E and A.H who worked with Ma3azef at that time. I was very angry at the accusation especially after I had shared my experience with F.F and couldn't imagine how she would accuse me of something like that. I impulsively became less empathetic and more defensive. I attempted to prove that I did not drug her to facilitate a rape as she imagined. She instantly responded with a new accusation that I held her against a wall, choked her, shoved a pill down her throat and kept gripping her neck till she swallowed it. I snapped and called her a liar because the audacity of the allegation was beyond my ability to remain composed and stay compassionate.

A very impulsive, immature and foolish reaction on my end and I wish I had handled that meeting more gracefully.

Nevertheless, at no point did I call her a liar for saying that she was sexually assaulted by B.S and actually offered to testify with her if needed.

The meeting ended unresolved and neither Ma3azef nor Barzakh attempted to follow up or investigate the matter.

(Note that the accusation of choking later metamorphosed into an accusation of an aggressive kiss in her online statement.)

This is the first time I am ever accused of something of that sort. I had never been involved in nor accused of inflicting any harm on anyone before or after that incident. I’m incredibly sorry for what F.F went through that night and for what women have to go through in the fucked up patriarchal world that we live in. I'm very sorry I wasn't able to protect her, but I wasn't able to protect myself either.

After F.F published her testimony, I tried to obtain her number to apologize to her privately about what she's been through, my irresponsible behaviour that night, my aggression during the meeting and perhaps remind her of my part of the story, but was told that she doesn’t want me to have her number so I have no choice but to go public as well.

I would unconditionally apologize a million times over and over again for my actions and my involvement whether direct or indirect in this much pain that she feels but I will not apologize for force I did not use, whether it be shoving a pill down her throat by choking her or kissing her aggressively so she swallows something or forcing myself onto her.

I’ve made many mistakes, but I am not a rapist nor a sexual assaulter. Never was and never will be. I am fully open to an investigation on that matter.

I genuinely wish that one day she heals and is able to maybe reconsider the distorted version of the story that was formed in her head overnight because of the amount of trauma she was subjected to.

Thank you for reading.

Aya Metwalli