ayanagiann

[ayanagiann]

17 May 2024

-Breakfast -Dishes -Everything Shower -Bus to Fillmore -Sell @ Crossroads -Goodwill Run -Sushi Belt Lunch -Vintage Shop stop -Daiso -Bus home to drop off -Rent Check from the Bank -Drop off Cameras to Photoworks -Costco Run -Bus home to drop off -Trader Joe's run -Sutter Fine Foods run -Restock Fridge -Fill vases w/ flowers -Clean Kitchen -Clean Bathroom -Vacuum Apartment -Laundry

Truly the most productive day, let alone couple of days, that I've had in a very very long time. Which is funny because I was venting about how unproductive I was feeling only a couple days before. It feels good to know that I have the capacity to be this efficient -- AND that I have the proper funds to be able to do all this. I'm documenting today to remind myself that I can if I really want to, and that the only force standing in my own way is myself.

[ayanagiann]

29 January 2024

The road to my thirties, the road to 2024, the path and trajectory of my career? At this point I consider all of which the same thing. And within this time I've recognized, that I've mastered one more thing: the level of self awareness it takes to listen to your body; to fully succumb to what it needs.

My younger self is really who I should thank. She's the one who put in the work. Fully booked calendars, hunger, hustle, drive, and dedicating time and energy into all the physical labor & strategizing it took to get me here. She pushed herself, she ceased every opportunity and she said "yes" to everything that was professionally asked of her... all so that present me could have the option, arguably the luxury, of being able to choose rest.

I feel like I'm finally being able to see the fruit grow from my labor, and soon, I'll be able to taste it. I'm meeting so many of the goals I set, and seeing plans come to fruition. Everything I did over the last couple months has finally caught up to me -- positively in opportunity to negatively In physical pain. In the next couple of weeks I dive into another stretch of crazy calendar days. And as my body begged for rest this weekend, I actually had the freedom to listen.

I'm thankful for all the work that was put in on the back end to afford this luxury. For the reputation I uphold, the PTO that I've earned, the respect and trust I've gained from my peers, and the space I've curated to do this. I can choose rest now because of everything my past has made possible. This morning, I am grateful for that.

[ayanagiann]

If you’re going to act like a child

Don’t bring that shit around me.

That’s none of my business

That’s your mother’s

Kindly,

Fed Up

[ayanagiann]

4 December 2023

As the days have gotten colder, my apartment has naturally gotten cozier. For what feels like the first time since moving here, it really does feel like it's the holidays in my space. And it's not even that I've gone all out with the decorations (aside from the 8/9ft Christmas tree near the window, haha) it's just.. the feeling. There are so many little moments and corners that I've come to enjoy. Something about being surrounded by thoughtfully curated vignettes that makes me feel right at home. This space is sacred, personal, and filled with so much love from the (almost) 4 years that I've lived here.

This has been the year that I've collectively spent the most time in this apartment -- I'm realizing it's a similar vibe to the senior year I spent in the Berkeley house, single & during the peak of covid. There was no where else I had to be, no splitting my time between my place and a partner's, full free range and free time to decorate & re-decorate my home the way I want.

I woke up this morning and I could feel it. This isn't just a unit I'm renting out for awhile. This has evolved into my most ultimate sanctuary to date. This is my home. I can pick up random books and artifacts, point out random pieces and objects, and recall the memories of when I got them and where they came from. I can look around and see the history of my adult life collected in one place. Some would call this incredibly mundane but to me? It feels like a milestone. There's something genuinely empowering in the ability to have a place that you can call your own.

Every now and then it hits me that there will come a time where I won't live here anymore. To my core I know I was never meant to be here forever. I take in the fresh air from my fire escape, soak in the sun from my windows, enjoy the peaceful sounds from the gardens outside. It's my pocket of heaven in what some consider a quintessential "city" neighborhood, and a set up that I'll never be able to replicate after I leave.

I think about my future self, how I hope she'd look back on my time here.. money spent here... and reassure me that it was all worth it. That she'd remember this place and attribute it to some of the most formative and beautiful years of my life.

They say that your home should look and feel like an extension of who you are. That it's not about the price of things or the quantity of how much you have, but about the richness in character and authenticity in what you choose to put there. I look at my space and I see someone who loves comfort, simplicity, balance... art, travel, literature... music, fashion, and giving new life to old things. I see someone who doesn't keep anything unless it serves a purpose, who's intentional and patient with the process of curating a home.

I'm looking around at all the things that I've earned the right to call mine and I'm making it a point to once again, be grateful. Because if I'm being completely honest, I think it's too easy for people to take the nice things they have for granted. What I have here is at the very least, a nice thing. A place that turned out better than my younger self could've ever imagined, a place that my current self feels so lucky to have now, a place that I am proud to call my home.

[ayanagiann]

21 November 2023

If there's any fact that I am a morning person, it's that I have the most motivation when the sun rises. The trick is.. I have to manage to get out of bed when the sun does. It's not functioning in the morning that's the problem, it's getting up. But when I do? I'm unstoppable. The things I manage to get done, the moments of stillness, calmness and beauty I get to witness? unbeatable. To the point where you think that would be enough to immediately get me out of bed everyday buuuuut. The human experience is a funny thing. Mental health and wellness is an even funnier thing, and I find that as that waivers so do my healthier tendencies.

Something that's recently given me more stability and induced a higher level of productivity has been nesting. Not sure if it's because this year is rapidly coming to an end or because I felt the weight of the space around me but for the past two weeks I've been purging hard. I find that I do this often when I feel stuck and stagnant -- go through my personal space and shed what doesn't serve or inspire me. Needless to say, it's helped. It's freed up both mental and physical space for other, more creative things.

Words can't even begin to describe how grateful I've been feeling lately. With so much shit going on in the world, so much pain and suffering, I considered myself incredibly privileged. To have a bed to sleep in, running water, a stable job I get to thrive at, a space curated and my own, a home... and most of all, the general safety and freedom I have to enjoy it all. Maybe it's my period, but thinking about it all has been enough to make me cry. I think with this upcoming Thanksgiving -- origins of colonialism aside, what I am most grateful for is the simple fact that I have so much to be grateful for.

I promise to always acknowledge that that I have, so many others do not. And I will never ever take that for granted.

[ayanagiann]

14 November 2023

The other day I was reminded of a book that I had started reading but never finished. This highly esteemed book touched on what it means to build a foundation for a successful life -- doing so, through habits.

As you know I've been lacking motivation, struggling with distraction, and battling guilt. For months now I've been searching for easy, small ways to integrate structure. And ultimately re-acclimate myself to living a productive life.

So much of my time and energy is spent doing the best job I possibly can... at work. This past year, I'd say at least 70% of my effort has gone into that, 15% to other people outside of work, then leaving approximately 15% of my effort for me (at most). I wake up wanting to accomplish so much, by the time I get home I feel so robbed physically and emotionally that I allow myself to sink and veg -- "it's just easier to not," "I worked so hard all day, I deserve this," "I was social the whole time, now is sacred time for me"

But have these "moments alone" been thoughtful and intentional? Have I made the most productive choices to reinvest that time back in to me? Or have I instead chosen to lay stagnant, mindlessly scrolling til it's time to sleep?

Recently I've started to find solace in refreshing my living space, pulling everything out of drawers & cabinets, taking things off shelves and tables, and organizing & designing from scratch. It's been just as cathartic as it's been metaphoric. As I've realized with most things I finally get around to doing, it's worked. It's helped me feel better, despite how much paralyzation I experience just to start.

The result of these small exercises confirms that the biggest hurdle to overcome is myself. Whether it be my self-intimidation, self-doubt, decrease in discipline or even sheer laziness, I truly am the main one keeping myself from achieving the things I probably could achieve.

Now, to give myself some grace, I understand what factors are working against me: time, money, energy etc. but I've proven to myself time and time again that I can always have the things I want if I want them badly enough -- if I truly buckle down and try. I just need to push.

What's it going to take to make the push permanent? What do I have to do to defeat the laziness once and for all? This is me committing to finding the answers to all my questions by the end of this year. So that come January, I'm no longer living life like "fuck it."

[ayanagiann]

26 September 2023

Motivation has been so hard to come by lately. I feel like I've been hit with a crippling sense of inadequacy. Instead of celebrating the small wins -- how I'm finding the drive to make my bed, keep my apartment tidy, make sure I eat even though I don't have an appetite, food prep in general, do laundry, run errands, etc. -- I'm frustrated that I've only been able to bring myself to do the "bare minimum." What others would consider healthy, steady, productivity, I still see as "lazy" in comparison to the standards I normally have. Been catching myself doom scrolling more too. Unable to resist the urge to sink into my couch and veg on my phone for hours on end.

I want to take myself on long walks, sit on a bench at a park to read a book, watch the sunset on the beach because lately the weather has been so nice in the city. Instead I think of those things as things I have to earn. And in order to earn them I have to finish all the chores and to-do's on my list first. But the problem is I'm stuck in the loop of this list. I finish one thing and 3 more things get added. I feel like I've earned it until I don't. Which ultimately leads me to self-loathing for not having the motivation to do anything. Then once again allow myself to end up choosing not to do anything at all.

I feel like all my energy and motivation.. my positivity and optimism have been invested in work and others. People come to me seeking validation and feeling low and I give them everything I can. To be honest I'm probably not making any sense right now. it's 12:30am and despite my brain being hyperactive at this hour, my body is fucking exhausted.

[ayanagiann]

23 September 2023

It's been a little over a month since my last entry.. and within that time, a couple things have happened. Visited a new country (and revisited a couple others), spent 2+ whole weeks with someone 24/7 and didn't get sick of it once, and finally.. officially, turned 30.

So where does this put me currently? To be honest, I'm exhausted. Since coming back home to what my reality is, my body feels like it's gone into shock. After two weeks of leisurely running around Europe & the UK, exploring and resting, this first week back has been rougher than I anticipated.

I think I've procrastinated coming on here because I've been afraid to admit.. I'm resentful. My apartment has been feeling like the only place where I feel happy and safe. I've considered taking myself out a few times but have ultimately lacked the motivation, I have absolutely no desire to hang out with anyone, and don't even get me started on how I feel about work.

Instead of this trip revitalizing me and recharging me for another go at the grind, it's almost done the opposite. It's made me frustrated that I'm back here -- in this city, in this situation, in this position. I feel either stuck or suffocated and the only place I feel like being (and have access to) is home.

The trip was amazing from start to finish and I'm no stranger to "post-travel blues," but this feels different. This time I'm struggling trying to bounce back. Every day at work has made me sink and spiral deeper and deeper. "This is really what my life still is?" has been a question I've asked myself multiple times daily.

I can make things happen for everyone else but why is it, when it comes to me everything is nuanced? Why am I the one put in the difficult positions, why am I stuck dealing with, if not cleaning up other people's messes? Why does my situation have to be unconventional and complicated? Why can't I have an extended period of time alone?

Times like this I wish I had the financial freedom to disappear. Quit my job and move far away so no body can ask or take anything of me. I wish I could fly so far under the radar that people forget I exist. Limit people's access to me, guilt free. It's a toxic balance -- being so needed while my own needs aren't even being met. And I'm not so sure I've ever hated it more than I do now.

A lot of my adult life has been spent keeping my negativity in check. It's why I've invested so much of my energy in spinning every situation in a positive way. Trying to see the good in things, trying not to regret anything, moving, as I've said: "as if everything that's happening is my own choice." Not only has it kept my head above water but it's been something that so many people have depended on me for. I have to keep my shit together, be the most encouraging and the most calm, work the hardest and keep shit the lightest, because that's the role I play in the ecosystems and communities that I'm apart of.

Resentment? Anger? Frustration? That's not on brand for me. Or maybe it is, and I just choose to suppress it.. to deal with it on my own and on my own time, and not to let others see that side of me. But here, in the safety and comfort of my own space, I'm allowing myself to unravel a bit. After deep reflection this week, or maybe you could even call it a "mini hibernation," I've realized that I let my life become something I've tried so hard to avoid: I'm living for my days off, existing for the next chance to get away, grasping at any moment for silence & solitude, and wondering why the hell I keep ending up here.

I'm a few days settled into 30... what the fuck am I even doing?

[ayanagiann]

21 August 2023

Coming up on 4 months? Let's see, what have you missed...

I think the deeper I dive into understanding myself, I've come to realize what my weaknesses still are. The intimidation I feel in starting a task, for one. The pressure I put on myself to not start anything I cannot perfect on the first try, being another. And here specifically, making sure I bring all the right words to say, despite me intending for this to be a safe space for trial and error.

Many times I've come to this place with the intention to just write. No agenda, no table of contents, nothing but a feeling or even a craving to let my head breathe on virtual paper. But the more years I've lived, the higher the expectation I've put on the level of insight I revisit this platform with. Like, being away from this blog has been study abroad and coming home here means expressing what I have to show for it. I've spent all this time away -- spent money, energy and resources, what can I say I've gained?

So I pose the question for myself, a writing prompt if you will:

What the hell have I learned?

Well for one, I've learned that no matter how much you know yourself and know what you have to offer, you'll never know or be fully prepared for the things that will happen on your path. Whether it's destiny or coincidence, planned or a surprise, life will always keep moving around you, with or without you. You can't always control what will happen or when, to you or anyone else, but you can always always control the way you respond to it.

I think a key practice I've had to lean on this past year is "openness;" Allowing every experience to have its moment both negative and positive. Not rushing through the process of pain, loss, grief, confusion, frustration, excitement, joy, and love. Each and so many more, being pillars of the shared home that is the human experience, constantly revealing what our souls are still sensitive to and why.

A humbling thing for me, especially while living out the last few days of my twenties, is realizing that although I've come to understand how to manage most of my insecurities, a few of them still restlessly exist. That, because I've been safe and sheltered away from any normal triggers, that I fooled myself into thinking I've found solutions. Although I wouldn't say I've been hiding, I can admit I have created distance between me and the fears I have yet to face.

While most would say I have a pretty good handle on things -- that I've built something solid, that I'm in my prime -- I'm noticing how overdue I am for a touch up. Having these past few days to myself, to sleep, to work, to reset & to chip away at planning my upcoming birthday trip, has left moments in between for me to look in the mirror and sit with the woman staring back at me.

I can't even begin to express how necessary it's been to finally catch up with myself. The person I've become has aged so much. It's a bittersweet process, reflecting on the last decade. The changes, the experiences, the people and things lost and gained... no wonder I look and feel so exhausted. I'm relieved to have this moment of clarity, that I'm taking the time to acknowledge and make note of where I'm at while I end this chapter of my life; But my pride is having a hard time accepting how much I still have to work on.

There really is nothing that challenges you like learning how to properly love and protect yourself. No matter how many times you think you've got it down, you'll always experience things that will have you second guessing it. What you've missed lately is the journey I've been on and the answers I've found, only to arrive here at another crossroads. The more I know, the more options there are for my life to take. The wiser I get, the more questions I have.

This is the most adult thing I've ever done -- admitting that I am actually afraid. The second, is realizing that I don't always have to be fearless.

[ayanagiann]

25 April 2023

Okay, now I know for sure this time that I’ve reached my social limit. I knew the feelings would catch up to me eventually. I’m glad I pushed myself though. I’m glad that I was present for everything with everyone leading up to this point. The memories and experiences are ones that I am beyond grateful to have. I love everything about what’s happened so far this year. 

But now, with another beautiful two days off in a row upon me, I’m faced with the task of figuring out how I want to spend it -- and even more importantly, who I want to spend it with. Spoiler: I’ve decided to spend time with me. I love all my people and I love the company, but I think I’m overdue for a weekend getaway alone. I desperately need some intentional quality time with myself. 

Maybe it’s why I’ve chosen to be cooped up on my fire escape instead of posted up in a public park lately. Convenience aside, it provides a damn near identical vibe; wind through trees, birds chirping, kids playing, muffled conversations and the faintest city noise. I’m surrounded by gardens, sitting in a sun patch all to myself and the best part is I’m tucked away from the rest of the world. I can breathe easy up here, I can think more clearly. I understand what my body and brain have been trying to tell me all this time.

Who I need is myself right now. What I need is time spent with me. I have so much love for everyone and everything that surrounds me here but I think I’m gonna take a drive and see where my gut takes me. 

[ayanagiann]

21 April 2023

As I’ve gotten older one of the things I’ve tried to be more mindful of has been being present. It’s been said thousands of times that it’s easy to get lost in the motions of living. That routines and familiar places naturally result in all your days meshing together. Not to say that I apply this as often as I should, especially not with how busy things have been, but when I find still moments, catch myself in moments of beauty, I make it a point to stop and take it in. 

Slow, intentional hours, free from obligation or objectives, are hard to come by these days. I’m grateful for the solitude. I’m grateful for the ability to just be. So much of my life has been charged with achieving goals. I’ve spent so many hours dedicated to crossing things off lists, outperforming, showing up and accomplishing what’s expected of me. I’ve done it all and received all the praise and possible rewards. But there’s no greater feeling than the sense of peace I get when I’m able to just stop and take things in.

This is what’s grounding me right now. I’m in the middle of so much planning, so much transition; So many up in the air possibilities and potential outcomes. As I feel my anxiety creeping about the uncertainty of the future, I pull myself back down from the clouds to reorient myself with where I am. I remind myself there’s only so much I can control when it comes to things that haven’t happened yet. I remind myself of how much I’ve already done.. how I’m already doing everything I can to reach the future I want.

I’m allowed to revel in what my life is right now. I’m allowed to be satisfied and present in my current state. I’m allowed to soak in this sun, this view, this apartment, this life, this love, for what it is in this exact moment. Change is inevitable and evolution will progress and things will never be like this again. I remember what a huge dream and goal this was for my younger self. I lived so many years feeling trapped and held back from doing the things I wanted and needed to do. I fought so hard to be here. And now that I am here it’s hitting me how important it is to take space to recognize that. 

[ayanagiann]

19 April 2023

How I know the work I've put in is working is realizing how my brain reacts to interactions and exchanges now. Things that would’ve have triggered anxiety or deep spiraling in the past are now water off my back -- or, at the very least, less devastating then they used to feel. It hit me the other day how I can approach situations with so much more calmness and ease. I’ve grown to be able to pause instead of jump to defensiveness and the worst conclusions. 

There have been times where I’ve walked away from a scenario and considered that most people would’ve crumbled under this pressure or immediately assumed the worst. People are so susceptible to letting external things take over their whole brain -- Which, rightfully so.. but I’m grateful that this is not applicable to me. 

I worked hard to get here. I’ve called myself out numerous times for any and every moment of mental weakness. I’ve done the uncomfortable work of getting to the root of my fear and insecurities in situations, and asked myself how I could be more level-headed and productive at the next chance I got. I did all these things, not necessarily with and end goal, but because I didn’t want to repeat the feelings. I didn’t want to be presented with similar scenarios and feel the way and weight I felt all over again.

It’s crazy what reframing your perspective can do for your mental health and lucidity. I mean fuck, duh right? It’s helped me so much and so many times dealing with difficult people and challenging circumstances. But what’s even crazier for me is reflecting on younger me deal with shit then vs me now. I’d give her a hug. I’d tell her that everything was gonna be okay. I’d talk her down from the ledge that she dangled her feet off of every time things got hard. I’d tell her she’d be proud of the person she’d become; Because yeah, I’m proud of me. Every day that passes I’m closer to being the woman I aspire to be. 

[ayanagiann]

28 March 2023

I have so much more time on my hands, I’ve realized. I’m hanging out with friends, free to jump at any invitation out or answer any phone call. As much as the homies know how easily I hang with the guys, I’m very much a girl’s girl. And I don’t think I would've been able to be present for 90% of the late night talks, dinners, drinks, views, or walks, if I were still in my last relationship. These past few months have been for the girls and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Another thing I’ve re-fallen in love with has been waking up in and coming back to my place. There’s something comforting about coming home to the same place you woke up in. Cooking, cleaning, recalibrating my routines, it’s all been so grounding for me. It was never an issue to reclaim my space as my own, but damn do I love my home. 

I’ve been catching myself feeling extra tired lately. I guess my body and brain are still adjusting to being this socially available? It’s almost felt like haven’t been able to say “no.” I’m the #1 person they call because I’m “always down,” I’m the #1 person they call because I “listen or give solid advice,” I’m the #1 person they call because I “have the plug” haha. But no matter the reason, no matter the occasion, I’m always on the guest list.

There have definitely been moments where my introversion has shook its fist at me. Under past circumstances I could’ve been extremely resentful for not being able to be alone. I know I’ve been extending myself far lately. But even though I’m tired, I’m still just so happy to be here. I love that my people embrace, accept, invite and need me because of who I am. It’s such a polar opposite to how I felt from the #1 person in my life for 2+ years. 

That being said, I’m realizing how important it is to surround yourself with the right people. The people that will see you for who you are, recognize your value, understand intentions, and reciprocate the positivity and hype you bring to their lives. I'm realizing how short life is and even though it is important to invest ample time being comfortable in your solitude, it’s also important to show up for the people you care about whenever you have the capacity to do so. You really never know if or when you’ll lose the chance of showing up again. 

So while I still have it in me I’m here for the kick its, I’m here for the vent sessions, and the wild nights out. I’m grateful for how my life is in this moment. I couldn't have expected a better outcome and I know this is the way things are supposed to be without a doubt.

[ayanagiann]

It’s was a beautiful ride, you and I. Like a moto day with sunny skies sounds of waves crashing in high tides Like laughing, singing, or mixing a million sauces for corn dogs & french fries Sexy dim lit bars, cocktails, a shot and cheap beer over ordered dinners, video games, dreaming, tears. How I used to give anything to be with you in bed, A photobooth, a road trip, but I’m here instead. 

[ayanagiann]

16 March 2023

I used to think I needed to be there to support you and help you grow. For a solid period of time I wanted to be everything for you. I couldn’t picture my life without you. But now here I am living it… and it’s better than I could’ve imagined it to be.

Sometimes when I’m alone, I catch myself picturing you right across from me — How our dynamic would be, what we would be saying, how different my experience would be if you were still here. And as lovely as it would’ve been, I still think where I am is better. It’s moments like this when I know I’m exactly where I need to be.

I loved you, I loved our life, I was learning to love what we could have been. But while that’s changed, one thing has remained the same: I’ve loved and still love me.

You may have let me go, but I've always been able to hold myself. As painful as it was at first I think my wounds are just about healed. I wish you love, I wish you well, I wish you roses while you can still smell them. I've never wanted any less of the same for you. I hope you've been able to make peace with your choices, I hope you've been able to heal. I hope, somewhere in all this time apart you've been able to think of me/us and smile -- that despite all its sadder parts, you can remember that we made each other happy.

If there's anything I'm sorry for it's that I can no longer be around to see you evolve and thrive. It's no longer my responsibility to support you while you put in the work. For the betterment of both of us, you can't have access to me anymore. Just know that while I'm in my own world, deep in my own process, I'm wishing you well.

I will always have love and gratitude for who you were to me.

[ayanagiann]

8 March 2023

It’s unfair to me, that you keep reaching out. Every time I start to feel like the “last time” is actually the last time, you find some reason to pop up again. It throws me, once again, more than I care to admit. 

My friends all have speculations as to why you do it:

to string you along

to hurt you

to blame you

to be sweet

to stay relevant in your mind

The list goes on and on. But ultimately what it does is make me sad. Sad because it reminds me of everything that happened to lead us here. Sad because it reminds me of the way you handled the end. Sad because I obviously still care about you; and sad because it exposes how sad you still are about losing me. I don’t want to be sad anymore than I already have, you shouldn’t either.

The progress I’ve made in moving on has felt incredible. It hasn’t even been 2 months yet and I’ve actively been thriving in my life without you. It doesn’t take away from how much I loved and still love you, but it validates the fact that I never want to go back there. I don’t have any desire to feel the way I felt back at my lowest points of us. 

In this post state, I’ve realized how much you couldn’t give me what I wanted. No matter how much I loved you, no matter how much I cared for you, you’d only be able to reciprocate so much. You’d only be able to consider my needs and feelings to an extent that would never surpass your comfort zone. You only loved me when it was easy. You only loved me when I made you feel good.

What I need from a partner is so much more evolved, so much deeper than the bare minimum you once provided me. What I need is someone who will love like me -- someone who will go above and beyond. Someone who’d be more than happy, even empowered, doing so. Someone secure enough in themselves to fully be able to put another person first. 

All this time apart from you has given me so much space to see how you could never fully see me. That, at least while you were in it, you couldn’t understand or recognize the person that I really am. I need someone who will know me and what I’m about as much as all my people do -- will find common ground in loving me with the people I love and care about most. Someone who won’t isolate themselves from my community and who will integrate themselves into my life as deeply as I would theirs. 

You periodically hitting me up has acted as a reminder for all the reasons why we didn’t work and shouldn't have worked out. Whatever your intentions are, it’s only accomplished that. You broke up with me, you ended this, so why is it my responsibility to still be sad with or for you? I’ve sat with my sadness already, I’ve done my homework and deeply invested into my time healing. It’s not fair that you’re trying to still keep me wallowing here. Because the truth is I’m not wallowing. The truth is I’ve been successfully moving forward and I don't need to look back. What we were was a beautiful thing, but please stop trying to hold me back there. 

[ayanagiann]

Fiction

Music blasting, 4 shots in, I saw you and I knew. I wanted you, and for a brief period I was certain I’d have you. Catching your eye, weaving through the crowd, and brushing up against you was only the beginning. You looked at me and I knew you wanted me too. 

It’s the way I lost sight of you as the club was closing but that you caught me in the fat ass line for the ladies room. It’s how there was no way you were gonna let me wait and did everything in your power to help me. It’s how you took my hand and led me to the men's room, stood outside of the stall door and guarded me til I was done. You were sweet, protective, assertive, a gentleman, plus you made me laugh, and in that moment I knew you’d be leaving with me. 

In hindsight I have no idea how I pulled that off because to this day I still think you were physically out of my league. But you, that night, in that moment of my life, were just the person I would need. 

You were the first new person I slept with since being freshly single -- honestly a physical representation of where I was at and what I was looking for. A fun time sure, but overall an upgrade. A validation of the type of people I want to and believe I can attract, but also refreshingly brand new. 

I’ll remember the way you looked at me forever -- like you’ve never met anyone like me. I’ll remember the piggyback ride you gave me for a half a mile after the club. You scooping me up and tossing me over your shoulders, you sneaking kisses, you holding my hand while were walking with our friends, and you holding me in bed. I’ll remember your smell that lingered on my clothes even after I had washed them. I’ll remember the way you didn’t want to say goodbye.

In another life I would've tried to get to know you more. I would’ve put more of an effort to see you and plan to do it all again. But I think for now you’ve served your purpose. I am content with what this was. However, if ever I’m in town again you might be on the list to know.