aye-calypso

[aye-calypso]

Literature #3

The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards

Questions for Discussion

1. When David hands his baby girl over to Caroline and tells Norah that she has died, what was your immediate emotional reaction? At this early point, did you understand David’s motivations? Did your understanding grow as the novel progressed?

My immediate emotional reaction consisted of a painfully anguished, “oh no honey, what a horrible mistake”. David’s motivations were understandable, given the era the novel took place. My understanding did grow as the novel progressed. David’s anguish became more apparent, and it was more than simple to understand why he felt the decision he made was right.

2. David describes feeling like “an aberration” within his own family (p. 7) and describes himself as feeling like “an imposter” in his professional life as a doctor (p. 8). Discuss David’s psyche, his history, and what led him to make that fateful decision on the night of his children’s birth.

David’s childhood and young adult life was difficult and full of a lot of negative emotions. His family was extremely poor, almost unable to feed themselves at times, and his sister had a debilitating disease. It is possible that he was trying to spare not only Norah from the heartbreak and pain of a retarded daughter, but himself as well. He did not want to go through the loss of another loved one at such a young age, to see his own daughter in such pain so much like his sister.

3. When David instructs Caroline to take Phoebe to the institution, Caroline could have flatly refused or she could have gone to the authorities. Why doesn’t she? Was she right to do what she did and raise Phoebe as her own? Was Caroline morally obligated to tell Norah the truth right from the beginning? Or was her moral obligation simply to take care of Phoebe at whatever cost? Why does she come to Norah after David’s death?

Caroline made the decision to take Phoebe and raise her as her own, because it had seemed like the right thing to do. Caroline described a life full of adventure; she may have thought Phoebe would lead to a more fulfilling life than staying in a small town in Kentucky. It is understandable why Caroline made her decision, but it was not necessarily the moral one. She could have told Norah that her baby daughter did not die, but she chose not to. Caroline seemed to want to share a bond with David, somehow connect him to herself. She managed to do just that by taking Phoebe away. Caroline likely felt morally obligated to tell Norah after David’s death, because there was nothing to hold her back. She did not have an obligation to uphold with David any longer because he passed away.

4. Though David wanted no part of her, Phoebe goes on to lead a full life, bringing much joy to Caroline and Al. Her story calls into question how we determine what kind of life is worth living. How would you define such a life? In contrast to Phoebe’s, how would you describe the quality of Paul’s life as he grew up?

A life full of love and devotion is worth living. There was a certain level of irony when Phoebe’s life is compared to Paul’s. Phoebe seemed to live such a carefree, easy life – with the exception of how hard Caroline had to work to get Phoebe educated. Phoebe was clearly nurtured and loved by Caroline and Al, two people who were not her kin. Paul lived a more miserable, lonesome life. His parents did not seem to love each other, and were fighting more often than not. David was inept at showing how much he loved Paul, and was constantly pushing him to do better. David’s push for the image of the perfect family, one without heartbreak or hardship, led them all to grow apart.

5. Throughout the novel, the characters often describe themselves as feeling as if they are watching their own lives from the outside. For instance, David describes the moment when his wife is going into labor and says “he felt strangely as if he himself were suspended in the room…watching them both from above” (p. 10). What do you think Edwards is trying to convey here? Have you ever experienced similar feelings in your own life?

Edwards seemed to convey intertwined feelings of nostalgia and adrenaline. The feeling was almost too cumbersome, which is ironic, considering that David felt as if he was suspended in the room. During his wife’s labor, David was absorbing the moment, almost as if he was all-present. I have experienced this sort of feeling during graduations, receptions, and near fatal car crashes. The heart quickens, blood rushing to the ears, and it feels as if the heart will implode. But yet, it also feels as if the spirit raised above all that is held down by gravity.

6. There is an obvious connection between David and Caroline, most aptly captured by a particular moment described through David’s point of view: “Their eyes met, and it seemed to the doctor that he knew her-that they knew each other-in some profound and certain way” (p. 12). What is the significance of this moment for each of them? How would you describe the connection between them? Why do you think David married Norah and not Caroline?

While Caroline and David both feel a sort of connection between them at this moment, they do not truly understand what the other is actually thinking. David is reliving his past, reminiscing on childhood memories. Caroline is envisioning the future, what life could be if David were in love with her. The connection between Caroline and David at this moment seemed to foreshadow their future. David is seemingly running away from his past, while Caroline is attempting to shape her future. David chose to marry Norah because he wanted someone to take care of, someone who he thought he could protect. Caroline was an independent woman, she lived on her own and had a career ahead of her. Norah seemed meek and distressed compared to Caroline’s quiet boldness.

7. After Norah has successfully destroyed the wasps’ nest, Edwards writes that there was something happening in Norah’s life, “an explosion, some way in which life could never be the same” (p. 139). What does she mean, and what is the significance of Norah’s “fight” with these wasps?

Norah’s “fight” with the wasps was symbolic of the control she desired to have over her life and her family’s life. At this point, Norah felt as if she had no control over Paul's safety or David’s intentions. She wanted to appear as if her life had order; that she was in control of what her future held. In the end, Norah chose to build her career, something new, because she had no control over the foundation of her family life. David created a massive crack when he gave Phoebe to Caroline. Norah initially struggled to fill the void, but she had no control over Phoebe’s “death” or that David did not want to have more children. This led her away from being a perfect wife with a perfect family. The moment she chose to “fight” the wasps, she chose to take back what she could control.

8. When David meets Rosemary (p. 267) it turns out to be a cathartic experience for him. What is it about her that enables David to finally speak the truth? Why does he feel compelled to take care of her?

Rosemary likely reminded David of his sister, or even Phoebe. She seemed indifferent to his circumstance, and he felt no judgement coming from her. The more he told her, the more he felt cleansed. David may have felt he was coming clean to not only Rosemary, but himself. He grieved for the loss of his sister and for the horrible decision he made with Phoebe. He felt compelled to take care of Rosemary because she reminded him of Phoebe and his sister.

9. The secret that David keeps is an enormous and ultimately terribly destructive to himself and his family. Can you imagine a circumstance when it might be the right choice to shield those closest to you from the truth?

If you are attempting to shield someone from heartbreak or pain, it might be the right choice to hide the truth. Ultimately, no matter the intensity of the secret or lie, it will always lead to some sort of destruction.

10. What do you think Norah’s reaction would have been if David had been honest with her from the beginning? How might Norah have responded to the news that she had a daughter with Down’s Syndrome? How might each of their lives have been different if David had not handed Phoebe to Caroline that fateful day?

Norah may have understood David better if he had been honest with her from the beginning. She would have known why he was so reserved, hardworking, and closed off. She likely would have been bitter about his decision regarding Phoebe, and she would have grieved just the same, but she would have known the truth. David’s past would have helped Norah understand the decision he made during her labor, and she would have known the whereabouts of their daughter. Considering Norah exhibited signs of postpartum depression, she likely would have blamed herself for conceiving a retarded daughter. If David never handed Phoebe to Caroline, his family would have experienced true love and joy. If Caroline never took Phoebe away, she may have stayed in Kentucky forever. She would have never have met Al or experienced the love and warmth of a family.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 05/10/2022

Where have the days gone? It seemed like only yesterday, I traveled across the country to start a new beginning. Three years later, I finally have a cushy government job, loving partner, and good finances.

It could be said that I had a cushy government job when I moved away from home. But now I can say that I REALLY have a cushy government job. It has been an adjustment, working a normal 9-5, Monday-Friday. The work is quite simple, and I could not ask for better supervisors. There is minimal drama, which is a small blessing in itself. There is still quite a bit to be said for where this entry level position will take me, but I am excited to embark on the journey.

After a bit of trial and error, I finally found a nice boy. I never thought that my potential soulmate would be younger than me, but here I am smitten with a boy well over a year younger than me. He is mature for his age, something that is a bit ironic. I always gravitated towards older men, because the male species tends to be immature. This one surprised me by his views on life, and where he would like to be in the future. I am forever grateful that we found each other. 

After struggling for countless years, my finances are somewhat in order. It was a constant struggle, as my father controlled almost all of my credit. I still have a long way to go, but I am content with where the future will take me. Month by month, my credit score will continue to rise. One day, I will buy myself a little house on the prairie. 

If you asked me where I saw myself 5 years ago, it would not be where I am today. I continue to grow and learn, all the while stumbling along in this game of life. My uncle once told me, “once you hit high school, all your days, years, even decades will be begin to blur together”. Those words stuck with me, they seemed so preposterous at the time. Reflecting upon them now, they ring quite true. Oh, how I wish to be young and naive once again...

[aye-calypso]

Literature #2

Prayers For Sale by Sandra Dallas

Reading Group Questions

1. Hennie Comfort’s sign outside her house says PRAYERS FOR SALE and yet she doesn’t sell prayers. Why does Hennie keep the sign?

Hennie keeps the sign for two reasons. The first reason is related to Hennie’s late husband, Jack. He made the sign for her, and she has fond memories of him with the sign. The second reason has to do with Hennie being such a prominent figure in Middle Swan. She resided there for decades and met many people from such different walks of life. That sign is a testament that Hennie is there for anyone, for any reason.

2. As Hennie begins her story for Nit, she says, “Back then, I wasn’t Hennie Comfort. In those days, I was called by the name Ila Mae Stubbs.” What else has changed about Hennie from her teenaged self to her eighty-six-year-old self? Most importantly, what has stayed the same?

Ila Mae Stubbs was a young, naive girl. She believed she was strong-minded and willful, but reality was people walked all over her. Abram Fletcher and his father took Ila Mae’s livelihood once her parents had perished. She learned to live on little with Billy, her late husband, whom she loved dearly. The death of her baby, Sarah, began a change in Ila Mae. Ultimately, the death of Billy sent Ila Mae over the edge. She became severely depressed, but she still managed to survive on her own. Once she moved to Colorado for a fresh start, Hennie fully began coming into her own. Marrying Jack and planting roots in Middle Swan seemed to heal Ila Mae’s wounds, or at least help bury them deep inside. This allowed Hennie Comfort to shine through. Hennie Comfort was strong-minded and willful, everything Ila Mae Stubbs aspired to be. Hennie’s downfall was that she buried her naivety deep down inside when she refused to forgive Abram for his sins - that’s where Hennie and Ila Mae stayed the same through the years.

3. One of the themes of this book is surviving the “unsurvivable.” What would you consider “unsurvivable?”

I would describe most of the tragic stories in this book to be “unsurvivable.” The story that truly seemed unsurvivable would be Maudie’s, the biological mother of Mae. Hennie painted the picture that Maudie was strong for giving up Mae to appease her husband. However, that sort of situation and everything Maudie was put through - that is the true definition of unsurvivable. 

4. Another theme is forgiveness. Is there ever a time when forgiveness isn’t possible? Can you relate to the way Hennie forgives at the end of the book--- and whom she forgives? In Hennie’s shoes, would you have forgiven? Would Hennie’s life have been different if she had forgiven earlier?

Understandably, there are times when forgiveness isn’t possible. Sins such as infidelity and murder are two examples of these such times. Hennie was unable to forgive Abram for decades because he was responsible for the death of her daughter, Sarah. I cannot fully relate to the way Hennie forgives Abram in the end; it was not an easy task for her to do. If I were in Hennie’s shoes, I would not have forgiven Abram. I understand why Hennie ultimately forgave Abram; however, after everything he put Hennie through, I wouldn't have had the strength to forgive him. If Hennie had been able to forgive Abram earlier, her life would have been drastically different. She would have been able to move on with her life sooner, and who knows, she could have grown to be friends with Abram.

5. What are some of the qualities you see in the women of Middle Swan that help them survive life there? What is the most important quality?

Perseverance, shallowness, and loyalty are qualities I see in the women of Middle Swan that help them survive there. The most important quality for a woman living in the mountains is perseverance; without the stamina to keep going when life gets rough, most of the women would not have been able to survive.

6. Maudie Sarsfield says, “quilting keeps me from going queer,” meaning “insane.” Why would this be so? What is the significance of Maudie adding her initials to her quilts? And what role do quilts and quilting play in the lives of the characters?

Maudie Sarsfield lived a traumatic life. Her husband was extremely abusive; he beat her, left Mae to die, and killed their other daughter. When she said, “quilting keeps me from going queer,” she meant that her hobby was the only thing that kept her going. Without quilting, Maudie may have attempted suicide. Maudie added her initials to her quilts to leave a legacy of sorts. She did not have much to be proud of, but she was definitely proud of her quilts. Much like the stitches bind fabric to a quilt, quilting brings the women together and forms a lifelong bond. For women like Hennie and Maudie, it allows them to focus on something other than the memories that haunt them.

7. What is the most tragic aspect of Maudie’s life?

The most tragic aspect of Maudie’s life is her loss of motherhood. She was forced to abandon Mae, for fear her husband would find an excuse to kill her. Her husband then murdered their second baby girl, because he wanted a son. Maudie had no control over her husband’s actions and feared for her own life. It was a miracle she carried both pregnancies to term; but to give up both children for the sake of her husband seems unbearable.

8. What is the most important lesson Hennie teaches Nit?

Forgiveness is the most important lesson Hennie teaches Nit. When Nit appeared at Hennie’s doorstep, she was racked with grief. Hennie was able to help Nit move on from the death of her baby through the stories of other women who faced similar struggles in Middle Swan. 

9. Is it ever too late to find true love? How do you define true love?

It is never too late to find true love. Hennie was able to find three true loves in her lifetime. I define true love as finding the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. 

10. Discuss the phrase “deep enough.” What does it mean in the story? What would it mean to you in your own life?

The phrase “deep enough” is used when someone passes away, typically a miner or dredger. In my own life, I would use the phrase “deep enough” to state that I had enough; that I have gone as far as I was able to go. 

11. Middle Swan is a cold, harsh town. What makes Hennie love it, and why has she stayed all these years? What draws people together in such an environment?

Hennie loves Middle Swan for many reasons. She left her home in the South to be with Jake and start a new life. It was not easy for Hennie to begin her life there, and she soon learned it was a completely different way of life than what she was accustomed to back home. She stayed in Middle Swan, because she just couldn't find the will to leave. Jake had a good job at the mine, she was raising Mae, and she grew to have an amazing friend ground. Because Middle Swan is a cold, harsh town, it naturally draws people together. In order to survive, you have to learn to lean on others for support.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 03/11/2021

Work, family, nature: all of these things can ultimately lead to disaster. There have been multiple life-changing events in the course of this past week, and I am unsure where I go from here.

Ultimately, I quit my winter job. It was simply too much; being expected to run a department without a formal tittle and/or compensation. To not be heard by my store manager, or to be told that I needed to continue to go above and beyond. Then, to be sent home for insubordination when I finally decide to say “no.” Was it the right thing to do? Perhaps; I am still debating on a definite answer.

My brother has finally lost his mind. The arguments have been few and far between with him these days; but when there is an argument, it’s heated. I have been threatened and insulted too many times to count. Last night, however, was my last straw. No one should be threatened to be kicked out of this home because another person did not like what they had to say. My father should not feel the need to punch his son in the face because he cannot carry a polite conversation. I am throughly worried about my brother. His mind is not right, and he needs help. However, it is not my place to get involved with his life. He made his decision to cut me out a long time ago. That decision does not prevent me from worrying, and so, I digress.

Forecasters are calling for up to 5 feet of snow this weekend. Cabin fever is likely to set in after an hour of being cooped up in this apartment with three other people. It is March for crying out loud, some sunshine and warmth would be great right about now. My seasonal depression needs some relief, and better weather would help with that.

Chaos is a part of life. Traumatic experience are supposed to make us stronger. When we remove ourselves from toxic environments, there will be room for growth. This week may be a turning point, and I can only hope that it leads to something beautiful.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 02/26/2021

Peace - freedom from disturbance; tranquility. To simply get away from all of this mundane absurdity. It seems as if the odds are stacked up against me lately, and I wonder if some of it is truly my fault. Did I bring all of this stress upon myself? I certainly did not intend on needing to stress eat multiple times a day. Perhaps, I could blame the pandemic for some of these going-ons. Alas, I should take blame for what I have caused.

There are times when my mind will not shut off. Thoughts will continuously race, and I feel like I have no control of what I am overthinking. Wether it is something ridiculous I said ages ago, or something I should not have said in the moment a few hours ago - it all sends me in a spiral. I long for days where my mind is at ease. It appears that I am this horrible person, who says and does horrible things, but all I try is to push others to be better. I attempt to treat others how I want to be treated, but sometimes that is hard when all I receive is unnecessary backlash. Is it wrong to hold others to the standards I hold for myself?

The pandemic has caused a good portion of the population to telework, and my mother is no exception. She is here when I wake up, come home, and go to bed. She rarely leaves the apartment. “Me Time” was my favorite time, but I no longer have that sort of luxury. Perhaps, that is what has wreaked havoc on mind these last few months. There are many things that have sent me on this downward spiral, but it is possible that is the root cause. Four grown adults in one mediocre apartment is bound to cause an increase in arguments. However, if anyone knows my family, they know that they are harsh with words. Most days, I have a thick skin. On the other hand, I am nothing but sensitive to their demeaning insults, and I am not sure I can take much more.

Work, work, work. That’s all I ever do. There are days where I push my body past its physical limits. It was only a matter of time before I pushed past my emotional limits as well. Constantly being told to go faster, harder, and longer - I simply cannot bear to hear it anymore. Watching my team lose its morale, give up hope, and not give damn; it is disheartening to say the least. My department is a high-stress environment, and to be told that I am not allowed to transfer out  is even more upsetting. Some would say, “find another job!”, but where would I go? Working seasonally is hard enough; who would hire for only six months of the year? My ego is at a complete bust.

Some would call me “sensitive” and tell me to toughen up. However, nothing is ever that simple, and I am not usually so sensitive. There is a deeper reason to this sensitivity, and I will be damned if I just let it go. My anxiety could be at a high point from increased levels of stress. My hormones could be out of wack from my birth control. Maybe, just maybe, my family is trying to cause me to stroke out at 22 years old. There are too many unknown variables at this point in time. As for solutions, I am currently at a standstill. Finding a way to peace of mind seems like a good start. God, peace of mind would be fantastic. The journey to finding the way there, that is the mysterious key.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 09/26/2020

And thus, autumn arrives. It feels like summer has just begun, there is no way that it has already come to a close. However, it is for the best, I must say. Between work drama, romance (or lack thereof), and dealing with my crazy family, I am ready for a new chapter to begin. The only question is - where I do go next?

Nearing the end of another season, I am weary of what will come next in my work saga. I despise the off-season, and I am unsure of wether I will return for another summer here at the park. I applied for permanent jobs within another agency and I pray that one will pan out. I strive to make the world a better place, and I am uncertain that I will achieve this by staying where I am. Not to be misunderstood, I love this job and I am passionate in what I do. I simply wish to do more. I aim for higher goals when it comes to my career - if only employers could see that, too.

I regret that I did not listen to my former warning. It seems I always wind up breaking my own heart, though I suppose, this is better than being a heart-breaker. Althougth, love appears to always be a catch-22. Growing another year older, I am none the wiser. Will I ever find what is considered to be ‘true love’? Do I deserve this sort of elation? Or, shall I be punished and become old and bitter in my coming years? Perhaps, I am simply anxious and impatient. All I want in the romance department is to love and be loved - is that too much to ask?

A day does not go by that I cannot escape the wrath of my family. They are forever present in this small apartment. Some would say that family should drive you crazy, but I do not support this view. Family should support and listen to each other. Sure, there will always be familial scuffles, but at the end of the day, families need to stick together. Maybe one day when I move far, far away, my family will be held dear to my heart. Until that day, I shall suffer - oh, why must I suffer?

While summer has come to an end, I can say I had a lot of fun. There was an endless amount of drama, no doubt. But, that is a goal to strive for next year. Until then, I will bask in the beauty of autumn and all it beholds - pumpkin spice, cinnamon, and the faint of a ponderosa. 

[aye-calypso]

Literature #1

leirGrimm’s Fairy Tales (pg. 517)

Questions

Would you say these tales worked more to socialize, even indoctrinate, the young, or instead liberate them from the mores of their milieu ---at least their imaginations?  Is the tales’ tendency to increase or decrease conformity?

The majority of these tales worked to socialize the young, rather than liberate them from the mores of their milieu. None of the tales were overwhelmingly against the grain of what society likely suggested during their time. Characters were all heterosexual and unorthodox ideologies, such as incest, were deemed as a sin throughout the tales. While in today’s society, Grimm’s fairy tales may appear to be dark and gruesome, they were never intended for audiences of small children. Each tale was designed to have a moral at the end,presumably to teach young adults a valuable life lesson. The tales had more of a tendency to increase conformity as the main characters mainly set their hearts on expensive, materialistic things - or for the male characters, a “beautiful maiden.” Most of the tales depicted acts of courage, bravery, wisdom, kindness, and humbleness. All of these attributes can be linked to qualities desired by society.

Is the cumulative effect of these tales to “keep women in their place?”

It can be argued that these tales were designed to “keep women in their place.” The majority of the tales collected by the Grimm brothers included a damsel in distress and a valiant soldier, or prince, coming to the rescue. Women were rarely ever the heroine, unless it was a wise old woman as in The Goose-Girl at the Well. Irregardless,  a male character that played savior always seemed to make an appear in every tale. Within the tale of The Hedgehog and the Hare, it can be seen that Mr. Hedgehog blatantly scolded Mrs. Hedgehog for questioning his actions. Alas, if it were not for Mrs. Hedgehog, Mr. Hedgehog would never have won the gold coin and the wine. Female characters appeared to be underrated and underappreciated in most of these tales which shows the lack of equality between men and women during these times.

Is there one virtue, or perhaps two, that more than any other help the hero and heroines of these tales to prevail?

Wisdom and bravery are the two virtues that help more than any other for the hero and heroines of these tales to prevail. Most of these tales included dangerous interacts that could have resulted in instant death. However, the hero and heroines were able to prevail because they were brave and listened to the wisdom of others. In tales similar to, and including, The Water of Life, there were three different brothers who attempted to save the life of their father. However, the youngest who was wise enough to talk and listen to the little dwarf was able to prevail throughout the entire story. In tales such as The Gnome, the hero had to slay multi-headed dragons to receive the reward of the beautiful maidens and riches of their kingdom - thus making bravery an overwhelming virtue. These tales may have consistently included these virtues to encourage children to stand up and be brave - as well as to be kind to listen to others in order to gain wisdom and intelligence.

Could it be true that some of these tales are disguised parables of incest between parents and children, of matricide, of patricide, and other abysmal longings?

It could be true that some of these tales are disguised parables of incest between parents and children as well as other abysmal longings. The Juniper Tree can be directly linked to child homicide as the step-mother killed her son because she liked her daughter better. It is hypothesized that the step-mothers in these tales are metaphorically linked to the dark side of the maternal brain; in traditional tales, the mothers were the actual doers of their evil inner thoughts and actions. The Handless Maiden and Allerleirauh depict a vivid ideology of incest as the fathers desired to be with their daughters. It should be noted that by the time these tales were published, they were sanitized to be geared toward younger children. Therefore, it could be hypothesized that there were even more disturbing parables hidden within these tales that are now unknown.

What is above all about these tales that makes them delight or at least engross children?

The rewards of riches, love, and adventure are likely what delighted the children the most in these tales. Every tale included the protagonist gaining something immensely positive for their troubles. Female characters such as Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Snow White all fell in love and married a handsome prince. This likely appealed to every little girls as marrying a prince would guarantee a better life, especially those who lived in extreme poverty. Even today, the idea of marrying a prince would entice little girls to pay attention to a story. Male characters either gained a beautiful maiden and/or riches by the end of their adventures. This appealed to little boys as gold and pretty women were a stereotypical desire. It is imperative to note that these “desires” were what society assumed and pushed young children to seek after in life.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 07/12/2020

This entry is long overdue. My mind is scattered, feeble, and lost in a sea of decisions. I’ve been back at the park for over a month now. While it feels good to be back, I am filled with a twinge of sadness. I often feel like my opinions don’t matter - the same can be said for my personal life as well. I have home, school, and work badgering my brain; it is all becoming too much to bear.

My parents and brother want to move north, which is the middle of nowhere. Potentially, I would use the space for a vacation home, but nothing more. I moved west because I want to be here. I never wanted to move north and I continue to stand by that. My father wants use my money in order to purchase the land, which feels very wrong. Alas, he promised me tuition funding in return.

Should I make a deal with the devil? It wouldn’t be the wisest decision, but it would prove beneficial. My father is only asking for a fraction of the money that he would soon give me. However, the catch is that I would be relying on my father’s siblings to be earnest and for my father to hold up his end of the bargain. In theory, this is a good plan; however, I have come to never trust my father with money. My heart is saying one thing while my mind is screaming another.

My season with the park is going well - or as well as it could be. I simply hate the feeling of being ignored. Most of my coworkers are new and have never worked in this area of the park before. It’s frustrating that they all do as they please and my supervisor does nothing to reprimand them. I have serious issues with one of the girls here; she is extremely high-strung and opinionated. It’s as if her opinion is the only one that matters. I wish the park would find a way to reassign her so my crew and myself wouldn’t have to deal with her. 

All I want is a fun, laid-back summer. For the most part, I am doing pretty well at achieving just that. Life is never perfect and there will always be a lesson to learn in life. I hope that the lessons to be learned this summer are well worth the stress I am currently experiencing.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 05/19/2020

Four days until I will be free of the grasps of this minimum wage job. It’s been real, to say the least. I am proud that I obtained some pretty darn good friends and colleagues. While it is going to be difficult to leave behind some awesome people, I am ecstatic to be going back up into the mountains. They have been calling for quite a while, and I must go.

My mind has been racing a lot lately; there’s been a lot on my plate. Money, job(s), family, and the infamous ex (yes, that bastard again.) I am desperate for some decent cash - I hope switching to my summer job will provide me with extra dough. College has been put on hold due to lack of funds, and it is slowly killing me that I can’t work towards finishing my degree. That problem then ties into the whole job situation. I can’t move forward with a permanent, full-time position until I have a bachelor’s degree. It’s a whole mess, eh? 

My family life has be okay lately, but it feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the meantime, I have been enjoying Sunday bike rides with my parents, family dinners, and some sort of peace within the apartment. My father still has his moments, but I have learned to let it be. I want to be happy with the life that I am trying to build for myself - and that alone is what keeps me going everyday. 

As for the infamous ex...I am ashamed. He reached out to me this time around; I am dumbfounded as to what to do about it. I plan on keeping myself guarded, I do NOT want another mental breakdown. To be completely honest, I want nothing to do with him. He constantly hurts me, whether he realizes it or not. It is not healthy for me to allow him back into my life. I know this, but yet, I continue to be there for him. He rarely does the same for me, then he wonders why I consider our “friendship” toxic. I wish I had the strength to block him for good.

Alas, there is a lot is going on right now. Almost all of it is good, which speaks volumes. I have been through quite a bit lately, and for once, I simply want a laid-back summer. I fully intend on making the best of this summer, whether 2020 says so or not. I will get sunburnt, profusely hike until I am exhausted, make new friends, rekindle some old friendships, - and most importantly - I will laugh until I cry.

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 05/01/2020

I am finally getting back into the swing of things. My mental health has been utter crap these past few weeks and OH BOY am I going to get into the nitty gritty. Here’s a quick low down of what has transpired: the coronavirus has disrupted the entire Earth, I had a complete mental breakdown which resulted in me communicating with my ex, and now I am in the process of rebuilding my mental strength all by my lonesome. It’s an exciting time to get inside my head.

Coronavirus. Beer + sickness = the end of the world. If only it were actually that simple. I absolutely have to journal about this pandemic because I have realized just how ridiculous human beings have become during this time. We have to wear face masks at all times when we go out into this dark, scary world. It is complete insanity. A virus is bound to spread no matter what we do - so why are we trying to control it? I truly yearn for simpler times when humans did not attempt to meddle in the complexity that is nature. Pretty ironic, considering I am a science major.

On to the good stuff: my mental breakdown. The good news is that I keep learning from my emotional traumas; the bad news is, I keep sucking myself down the same dark hole. My father starts on his tantrums, I go to a dark place, and then I do something stupid. This time, however, I decided to do something REALLY stupid. I texted my ex and decided to start talking to him. Such. A. Horrible. Idea. Needless to say, he is out of my life once again. He will never, ever be let back into it and I am proud of that accomplishment. On the flip side, I have learned that my family life is main cause of most of my inner turmoil. Familial arguments trigger my insecurities and that is when I go down my rabbit hole. The question has now become, how do I work on fixing my current situation?

Before any judgement is passed, a lot has caused me to lose my shit over these past few years. Alas, I am putting in a real effort to work on my mental wellness this year. I managed to hurdle over the physical obstacles of losing weight and becoming comfortable in my own body; but now, I need to work on living a more well-rounded life. There a lot of things that I would like to experience in life; but lately it feels like I may never reach my goals. Thus, I am going to let go of all of the ickiness that has been holding me back. While I may not be able to remove myself from all of this ickiness completely, I intend to work on ways to protect myself from constantly being afflicted and hurt. It’s not a cure-all, but at least it’s a plan - for now.

[aye-calypso]

Home

I’ve mentioned home a few times now, it’s probably time that I elaborate more on the subject. I used to reside on the east coast, in a historic little town on the outskirts of urbania. It was awesome living so close to a major city, but it also sucked because I’m not really a city girl. I should have grown up in the south or somewhere in the mountains. Nonetheless, my first twenty years were spent in that quaint, little town.

Though I lived on the east coast, the shore was never really my thing. I loved going to national parks and trekking up mountains - and I still do. There are certain places I absolutely adored visiting in my home state, I just never had enough time, or the resources for that matter, to go them as frequently as I desired. When my grandfather was sick, there was a certain lake that I used to drive to get away from everything. There is a little picnic table that sits right on the shore bed; that old rickety hunk of wood has a special place in my heart.

I left behind my sister and friends when I moved out west. Sissy and I weren’t really on the best of terms when I left; I found her extremely annoying and am pretty sure she has a certain distaste for me as well. As much as she gets under my skin, I miss how things used to be between us. She was my best friend at one point, but I am fairly certain that I ruined it. As for my friends, I have grown to acquire many in the last two years. It has been rough since I moved over a thousand miles away from them. You never realize how much you need your friends until you’re alone.

Alas, home is a finicky word. It brings me feelings of nostalgia, anxiety, and a twinge of sadness. My AP History teacher once said, “one day you are going to look back at high school and you are going to miss it - maybe not the drama or the homework, but you are going to miss the simplicity.” I thought his words would resonate with me one day, I didn't realize it would be so soon; or that I would miss one town so very much. 

[aye-calypso]

Note to Self: Episode 1

You let someone back into your life THREE times now. Let us say that again: T-H-R-E-E times, child. When are you going to learn that he is just not the one for you? You deserve so much better and it is time that you realize that. He has done everything to prove that he is not the one for you but you continuously let him back into your life. No more of that, understood? You are upset and angry right now because you still want to believe that he loves you, but he doesn't. If he were to love you, he would have been reasonable and made things right. But he didn't. Accept the fact that he does not love you, want you, or care about you. He is toxic. Remember that he causes you anxiety and grief. You become depressed and lose your will to live. That is not love, darling. That is hell. 

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 03/18/2020

Things have gotten...interesting. This coronavirus situation has finally hit its apex. Or, at least I hope this is its apex. The whole world is panicking and Earth is simply falling apart. An earthquake hits Utah, severe storms across the southwest, massive snowstorm in the midwest, and torrential downpours for the east coast. It is just insanity right now and I’m not quite sure how to process all of this.

I knew 2020 wasn’t gonna be a good year since December 31 of 2019. Everything feels off. I don’t know why, how, or what - I just know. I feel like my life has been slowly falling apart, no matter how much I try to believe that I’m going somewhere and that everything will be ok. The truth is, I’m not ok. I’m terribly sad, deep down inside and I haven’t been sure how to hand it all lately. I blame a lot of this ickiness on my ex; he has my heart and I don’t know how to get it back. It’s like half of me is missing and I’m stuck in this abyss with no way out.

I can’t say it’s all his fault; a lot of it is mine. I have no clue how to deal with all of the sadness and disappointments in my life. When I think about things for too long, I start to blame everything on myself and I can’t handle it. My friends tell me to find ways to cope with how I feel, whatever that means. Most of things I love doing involve a group effort - and all my friends don't live in this state. My other hobbies, such as reading, are impossible to fit into my schedule. I guess that pretty much leaves me up a creek with no paddle, doesn’t it?

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts -  03/11/2020

I absolutely need to write more. I’m having too many internal debates, in addition to spazzing out on the wrong people. Not to mention that I tend to overshare when I can’t take holding everything in anymore. My life keeps getting thrown into drama that I just don’t care to talk about or dwell on with other people. I want to calmly reflect on my thoughts and come to my own conclusions by myself.

My aunt died. She had become estranged these past four years since my grandfather passed away. I didn’t really know her all too well, if I’m telling the truth. My whole family would get together at her house for New Year’s eve to watch the ball drop when I was a kid. We stopped going when I was about 10. She was one hell of a neat freak and she loved those little Precious Moments figurines. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was a junior in high school, but was put into remission a year or two after. I believe in karma more than I believe in anything else and I truly have to say that it bit her in the ass. I never really had a problem with her, until she upset my father. She called him some undeserving names and caused unnecessary turmoil with my grandmother. I don’t know why she was such a vial woman - unless she was truly that unhappy with her life.

Sometimes, I think about unhappy people that I observe in my life. I wonder why they are so unhappy and if I resemble them myself. I’m not trying to say that I’m this unhappy, miserable person; I’m trying to say that I don’t know how others see me. For the most part, I don’t really care. But every once in a while, I get to thinking about it. If others think I’m unhappy, does that mean that I’m unhappy? It’s very philosophical and never-ending. I wish I knew the answer.

[aye-calypso]

Family

I truly do not consider family to be strictly blood. The people that you hold closest to you in life should be considered your family. But, it is possible that I have this sort of view because my blood family isn't the best. I’m sure plenty of other folks out there share this sort of view...at least I hope they do. Otherwise, this awkward. In any case, welcome to a shitpost about my dysfunctional family. Enjoy.

My blood family consists of my ma, pa, and two siblings - a brother and sister. My brother is the oldest and he is everything that I despise: a messy, egocentric, recovering-alcoholic POS. He has his moments...sometimes. It just irks me that at 35 years old he still lives with his mommy and daddy; he needs to move the hell out and become independent. My sister is a little bit better, although she is a bitch. Before you go all, ‘now that’s not nice, calling your sister a bitch’, let me tell you that I am also a bitch. My family brings out the sailor mouth in me, so pardon my French. Getting back on the topic of my sister, she’s ok - I guess. I’ve become impartial to her, mostly because she lives back home in her own house with her secluded little life. Part of me misses her; part of me slightly hates her. She has a spending problem and likes to beg our father for help. Speaking of my father...

Some say I have daddy issues. I really don’t though, not terribly so anyway. My dad is just a hard-ass and a bit of a dick. He rides his kids in order to push them to do better; there’s nothing wrong with that. He tries to be noble and smart, even though it doesn’t always work out that way. I don’t fully respect the man, but he’s my dad, ya know? My mom, on the other hand, is one of my best friends. I have no filter when I talk to her. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. She doesn’t always give the best advice, but everyone makes mistakes and is selfish in their own ways. She’s a little too passive for my taste sometimes, but am I fiery Leo so I am full of sass. Shockingly, my ma is a Pisces. Makes sense now, huh?

We rarely get together anymore, the five of us. I live with my ‘rents and the asshole, but as I mentioned, my sister lives back east. I may have forgotten to mention that my sister hates my brother and vice versa. I simply hate both of them. Those stories are all for another time, however; another post, another drama. On a completely different note, I had a pretty decent childhood and I get a twinge of sadness once in a while when I realize that those days are over. There is so much angst and anger in this family nowadays - where did it all go wrong?

[aye-calypso]

Thoughts - 02/21/2020

Another day, another dollar - am I right? Sometimes, I feel like I am wasting away my life working a 9-5 job that I hate. I have so many better things that I would rather be doing with my time; I have schoolwork that I would love to focus on, books that need to be read, and projects that yearn to be completed. There are not enough hours in the day, I swear.

I recently found out that I got an internship working at a wildlife refuge in town. I more than ecstatic that I received this opportunity, but -and there’s that but- I have no idea how I am going to be able to squeeze out another 20 hours to volunteer. I refuse to give up this internship but I don't know what to do financially. It’s extremely frustrating.

There are only 3 weeks of my semester left, or thereabouts, and I am so excited to be wrapping up another term. I do not know how I will afford my next term, I am in desperate need of a loan - or winning lotto numbers. Either way, I crave my bachelors degree; I want it now. Alas, I still have a decent way to go, but I get there some day in the near future.

For someone who says they have a lot on their mind, I sure am drawing a real hard blank right now. Is this what serenity feels like? To be able to just be and not have to think about everything that is weighing on my mind? I’m pretty sure that I’m just tired and need to get some sleep so I can wake up and perform this vicious cycle of working and wanting to off myself (not really, I promise).

[aye-calypso]

This or That?

I like games. Not in the real-life or messing-with-someone’s heart kind of way, but I like having some fun. I stole these questions from another thread, but here’s to getting to know me a little better, yeah? :)

Cats or dogs? Cats

Pop music or Rock music? Rock

Stuffed animals or dolls? Stuffed animals

Pancakes or waffles? Pancakes

Morning or evening? Morning

Text message or call? Text message

Library or museums? Library

French or Spanish? Spanish

Book or movie? Book

Tea or coffee? Coffee

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

Hamburgers or hot dogs? Hamburgers

Painting or drawing? Drawing

Reading or writing? Reading

Google or Bing? Google

Witches or wizards? Witches

Fire or ice? Fire

Roses or daisies? Daisies

Pandas or whales? Pandas

Piercings or tattoos? Piercings

Puzzles or board games? Puzzles

Living room or bedroom? Bedroom

Apples or oranges? Apples

Bagels or toast? Bagels

How I Met Your Mother or Friends? F.R.I.E.N.D.S.