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ayellowblog · 6 years ago

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Year 2 - Philosophy of Education

Year 2 is in the books! Okay, so I was not technically a full-time teacher this year, but this concludes my 2nd year as an educator growing and learning. This year was eye-opening in so many ways. I went from a teaching for the first time with no formal experience in education to halfway through my Masters degree, about to obtain my California teaching credential, and in the throes of creating an entirely new physics curriculum for a school that has been without a physics teacher for several years. Year 2 was hours of traffic, sunny days, research-based practices in the classroom where year 1 was walking to and from bus stops, rain and snow, and doing what I could to make it from one day to the next. The change was immense. It was a cross-country, world overturning, drastic change from where I was, and I’ve learned so much from the experience.

I have so much gratitude for the people in my program, the Teacher Education Program at UCLA. They have loved me, supported me, laughed with me, cried with me. We’ve dug into so many complex issues as educators passionate about doing what is right for our students. Each of us brings uniqueness to the classroom – I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who are just as committed as I am to the work that we do. It has always been the people that sustain me when it comes to teaching, but my TEP cohort really has something special, a joy and deep love for each other that makes us all better.

So, where am I now? I think I can only answer this by reflecting on pieces I have written since starting the journey:

Year 1 – Fresh out of my first year of teaching. Rereading this hurts a bit, thinking about how painful so much of that first year was for me. And yet, it’s a sobering reminder of how far I’ve come since the tears and breakdowns of the fall of 2017.

Becoming an Empowered Teacher – The end of quarter 1 of my Masters. This piece reflects a lot of the theoretical changes grad school catalyzed for me. It is also representative of how going to grad school helped me find my identity as a teacher again after the trials of year 1.

Letter to Myself – The end of quarter 2. This one best summarizes the practices that I took on after student teaching for a quarter (a strange experience after having taught full time for a year). It also incorporates a lot of the theory I learned in the quarter about language acquisition and special education.

I’m writing this as reflection on this year, but also maybe as a resource for myself and for other educators that there and other people interested in education. My program has us answer 5 questions to define our “Philosophy of Education” – I think my other pieces of writing cover most of these, but I’ll give brief summaries and anyone who’s interested in talking more about anything, well, you know how to find me. :)

1. What are your core values as a social justice educator?

Love. Crucial for being an educator!!! It has to be abundant. This work means loving and caring about hundreds of kids who you have no connection to before the first day of school. They can feel it, too.

Compassion. Interacting with so many people on a daily basis is only possible through empathy, patience, and compassion for each other. Listening to students’ stories, giving second chances, reaching out when they push you away. And self-compassion, because, you’re doing amazing?!

Rigor. Too many times have I seen teachers lower expectations because their students are struggling. NO!!! Our students deserve to be pushed. They deserve to be appropriately prepared for whatever they’re going to take on. Getting them there is the responsibility of the teacher and means teaching them well and maintaining high standards.

Access. All students deserve an education that will adequately prepare them for college or their careers. This looks like understanding students’ learning needs, accommodating and modifying instruction and materials, and making sure that the classroom as a whole is accessible to all students.

Advocacy. Speaking up for students and their needs, creating clubs/organizations/spaces for marginalized students to exist, going out and demanding change from policymakers, uplifting student voice.

Wellness. I could write about this over and over. Students and teachers need to be cared for and to care for themselves. Sleeping and eating, having community to care for you, knowing how to care for yourself. These are skills that I am still learning and working towards with my students.

Belonging. One of the greatest pieces I have taken away from grad school this year. A community is crucial in order for growth, learning, risk taking, challenges, and more. Fostering a community in the classroom is the foundation for student learning. And having a community of my own to support me in my work is the foundation for my well being.

Empowerment. At the end of the day, this is my goal for my students as a teacher. Helping them recognize their incredible power and capabilities and potential for enacting change.

2. What theories and research inform your goals?

“Whose culture has capital? A critical race theory discussion of community cultural wealth” by Tara J. Yosso. A crucial piece of work that debunks ideas of deficit-thinking that plague a lot of educational spaces and practices and instead reframes “deficits” as assets that communities have developed to overcome systemic obstacles. This cultural wealth can be broken down as 6 types of capital: aspirational, familial, social, linguistic, resistant, and navigational.

Funds of Knowledge for Teaching: A New Approach to Culture in Education by Luis C. Moll. Similar to the previous work, this piece describes the funds of knowledge that marginalized communities have cultivated in the face of oppressive systems.

“Gangstas, Wanksters and Ridas: Defining, Developing and Supporting Effective Teachers in Urban Schools” by Jeff Duncan-Andrade. Possibly my favorite piece on the list. Provides a great framework on types of urban educators and the pitfalls that they can fall into and stresses the importance of genuine connection and compassion for students.

“Developing understanding of the idea of communities of learners” by Barbara Rogoff. Theorizes the concepts of communities of learners or learning as a change in practice based on social interactions within a group.

“Teacher as Sociocultural, Sociohistorical Mediator” by Esteban Diaz and Barbara Flores. Explains the role of teachers as mediators who must identify where students are at and teach to their potentials.

“A Pedagogy of Heart and Mind” by Marjorie Orellana. A great and short chapter that describes the necessity of understanding learning as a social act, sociocultural learning theory, and the love and heart necessary to truly understand students’ needs and teach well.

“No Kinda Sense” by Lisa Delpit. A piece on language, specifically, Ebonics or African American Vernacular English, language acquisition, and codeswitching. This one is so important as an educator to think about what kinds of language we see as valid and academic.

“Why I Study...Interthinking” by Neil Mercer. Interthinking is probably one of my favorite theoretical concepts and is really just a fancy term for thinking in groups or thinking collaboratively. Mercer has done a lot of work on how new thoughts occur when people think together to create new knowledge that synthesizes and builds upon group knowledge.

Ambitious Science Teaching by Jessica Jane Thompson, Mark Windschitl, and Melissa Braaten. A great science-specific book that offers amazing tools and frameworks for creating inquiry-based lessons that allow students to direct lessons based on their existing knowledge and development of models to understand the world.

“Theory as Liberatory Practice” by bell hooks. An amazing chapter that reminds me of why and how theory can be so incredibly powerful to enact the change I am working towards.

3. What do you foresee as major obstacles to enacting your philosophy (i.e. pacing plans, scripted curricula, poverty, violence, negative school culture, deficit thinking, neoliberalism, student resistance, attendance, etc.)?

Public education in its current state is riddled with obstacles. The first that I have encountered the most is the deficit thinking in which many urban public educators are entrenched. This is the idea that marginalized students are lacking the necessary tools to be successful in school, and so our responsibility is to somehow make up for these “deficits.” Some teachers go so far as to say that they can’t teach “these kinds of students” or that “these students” aren’t capable of high-level thinking or rigorous coursework. This thinking is so demeaning to students and does not account for the hard work they have been putting in to get them to their present point in their educational journey. So many teachers seem exasperated or burn out and unwilling to put in the work that students need to succeed. It can be hard to find allies who believe in and want students to thrive.

This ties into the second major obstacle I see which is finding a support network. While I am grateful to have found so many peers this year who are working towards similar goals as me, sometimes this is not the case in the school setting. Because I have so many ideas I want to enact, I need to find people who will support me and my visions.

The hardest for me is always self-care. This was incredibly difficult in my first year of teaching and continues to be something I have to actively work on constantly. I always want to go above and beyond for students, but I have to recognize that I cannot achieve my goals if I am pushing myself beyond my limits.

4. What theories and research could help you address these obstacles while working towards your goals as a social justice educator?

Many of the theories and research from question 2 and more are important for addressing these obstacles, but I will say Yosso’s work on community cultural wealth in order to provide a counter-framework to the ideas of deficit thinking that plague many school environments as well as Moll’s funds of knowledge to remind me of the skills and strengths of my students. Duncan-Andrade’s framework about Wankstas, Gangstas, and Ridas also provides crucial information for navigating the types of educators that exist and what practices are necessary to embody an educator who truly supports their students.

5. What are some strategies and practices that could help you enact your philosophy of education?

Clear routines and expectations. Consistency is key so that students know what to expect from class and can focus on learning.

Setting norms together. Creating a community where we follow norms and expectations because we respect each other and recognize that they are important for our community to thrive.

Community building. Intentionally getting to know each other and creating relationships so that we can take risks and engage in the learning together.

Professional development. Working and growing and learning with my colleagues to become a better teacher.

Friendships and networking. Surrounding myself with people who will uplift me and help me achieve my goals. Nurturing my relationships with people who will help me look after my well-being.

Student-led projects. Putting the learning in the hands of the students so that they are driven to investigate through their own curiosity. Making the learning tangible and memorable for students.

Culturally relevant lessons. Contextualizing physics as part of everyday life. Deconstructing the idea of the white male scientist in the lab making discoveries at some university.

Taking care of myself. Being kind, taking it slow, eating, relaxing, being proud of everything I’ve done.

#ramblings #teaching

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ayellowblog · 6 years ago

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In typical fashion, I am ending the quarter with a fun project that I am also turning in as a final. I’d been long wanting to work on a podcast and figured it was only appropriate to use the final project of a critical media literacy class as an excuse to attempt one.

Description: The first episode of Percolations in which Regine talks about the origins of the podcast and is joined by guests Em, Jay, and Anna to discuss Gender and Sex in STEM. Topics include the construction of biological sex, persistence of girls and boys in STEM fields, and the sexism of Charles Darwin's works.

Listen to it on: iTunes | Soundcloud | Podbean

Transcript as a Google Doc

#percolations #ramblings #teaching

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ayellowblog · 6 years ago

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I have a lot to do today so.... phone case collage?

one | two

three | four

five | six

#collage #do want

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ayellowblog · 6 years ago

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Letter to Myself

It has been two quarters into my Masters program along the pathway towards becoming an educator. Much has changed since my last reflection at the end of first quarter. I have taught two of my own classes for 10 weeks, switched guiding teachers entirely, and been working diligently on EdTPA. This quarter has been marked by increased stress levels, not for me exactly, but for my peers, which in turn has affected me. Still, the challenges have shown me just what is so difficult about being a teacher, and how important it is to stay grounded in order to sustain myself.

Many thoughts loom in my mind: finishing EdTPA, applying to jobs for next year, implementing an NGSS curriculum, sleep, eating, taking time for myself. I have learned and thought about so much this quarter, so I will try to compartmentalize by topic.

Wellness

Early into the quarter, it became apparent to me that the friends with whom I relaxed and joked around with in fall quarter had been bombarded with immense stress over becoming lead teachers in the classroom and the impending EdTPA. Of course, I came into TEP with the significant advantage of having taught in the classroom before, but it was, and continues to be, difficult to watch my peers endure the stressors of being teachers for the first time. My peers are so dedicated to their work, and so I see them push themselves beyond their capacities to plan lessons and complete graduate school work. Despite my pleas to spend time together and take breaks, responsibilities always loom over our heads. Not only has this left us in sub-optimal states, but it has also saddened me as we cannot spend friend time together, something that is incredibly important to me for my well being.

However, as the quarter draws to a close, my friends are slowly allowing themselves to take a breath. They are recognizing the importance of taking care of themselves and each other in order to continue our work. We intentionally plan work time and play time together, so that we can support each other in our wellness, whether it is getting the difficult work out of the way or reminding each other to take a break.

Wellness will always be a priority for me as an educator. I know that my work starts with myself, and my power is strengthened when I am at my best. Again and again I will remind myself to think about and prioritize my needs: sleep, nutrition, community, joy. I will push my friends to do the same so that we can uplift and support each other. I will be selfish and do what is best for me.

Collaboration

Where would I be without colleagues to collaborate with and share ideas and resources? I remember a year ago when I was teaching biology with two other colleagues and we would meet up with each other multiple times a day to review our lesson plans and strategies. Now that I teach with two colleagues with completely different outlooks from my own, I recognize the power of collaboration that I had had last year. Luckily, I also have time to collaborate with two friends in TEP who also teach physics. Our time together laughing, brainstorming concepts, appreciating each other’s work, and sharing resources has strengthened and supported my teaching immensely. It has helped me realize how important collaboration is to my teaching practice, and how I will be looking for communities with whom I can collaborate as I embark on my teaching journey. I am glad to have my physics people in TEP with whom I can converse and imagine entirely new curricula.

Inquiry

I am pushing and pushing and pushing myself to reinvent my teaching with my students’ needs at the forefront and not falling back on the teaching practices that I encountered in my education. For me, this means breaking out of the typical memorization and lecture-styled format of traditional science education and moving towards the Next Generation Science Standards (NGSS). I already love their push for science and engineering practices such as interpreting data and developing models. Now, it’s a matter of restructuring curriculum to focus on big ideas, phenomena, and students learning through inquiry. Students’ engagement in the classroom is so clearly improved when they are the motivators of their own learning. I am striving towards making the classroom centered on the students—what they are curious about and how they can develop understanding from their own curiosity. I am experimenting with my curriculum to see what makes the most sense, where are the places I can give the students the reins, and where are the places they need the most support.

Equity

Placing students’ needs at the forefront of my teaching is the foundation for striving for equity in the classroom. My time working with students has only taught me that each student is an individual who thrives in completely different situations depending on the supports they are given. There are so many students from last year that come to mind, students who shone in just the right circumstances. More often than not, these students just needed a bit more attention from me to figure out what supports they needed, and the impact of me intentionally supporting them to be successful was deeply palpable. I am grateful to have learned in my classes this quarter that my supports are valid and necessary to promote equity in my classroom, whether it is providing my copy of my notes at the beginning of class or spending some time checking in with a student once a week to ensure they are remaining on top of their work.

To me, this individualized education goes beyond the formal IEP or 504 plan. Working with students who encounter generational stress and daily trauma means intentional planning and consideration of each student. The IEPs and 504 plans only serve so support me in identifying exact accommodations that will benefit students, but it is my responsibility to develop accommodations for the entire class as well as individual learners who might not receive special education or English language services. Equity is equipping each student with the tools that they can use to access the classroom.

Language

I have learned through practice and study that language is the tool through which students learn and construct their understandings of the world. It is not enough to have “covered the material” in class. Students must be able to articulate their understanding to demonstrate true mastery of material. Academic language is not being able to drop buzzwords and key definitions, but to convey meaning in a way that shows a students’ own understanding of the concept. If my goal is to assess student understanding, I should tailor my classroom to provide opportunities for students to express their understanding through whichever means makes the most sense. I am working towards redesigning assessments with clear criteria so that the format does not impede their ability to express themselves. I am working to attune myself to the ways in which students speak, hear, read, and write to listen for student understanding rather than simple regurgitation of the things that I have said.

I hope that through my class, students will feel empowered to convey their ideas in their own languages. I hope to build self-esteem and confidence so that students know that they are knowledgeable and capable. I hope that students will leave my classroom being able to use their voices to reach communities I might never know.

Classroom Ecology

The term “ecology” applies so well to describe the everyday environment and interactions of the classroom. It encompasses the space, the social norms, the routines, the structure, the expectations, and much more. To me, all of this is almost the most important part of the classroom. Our classroom time is our time together. I think of the space and time as being crucial elements, crucial teachers that hold us together. To me, this means spending the 5 minutes at the beginning of classing checking in with each other and saying hello, it is the 5 minutes at the end of class where we clean up, reorganize, and prepare to exit. Our time is run by the routines that allow us to know what to expect on a daily basis, our space by my papers being organized and my plants showing the warmth and hominess I want my students to feel.

Classroom ecology is about safety. It is the 88 minutes where my students and I feel comfortable enough with ourselves and each other to take risks, to be curious, to ask questions, to challenge ourselves. It is about making time to share a little bit of ourselves every day, to learn from each other, to build new things together. It is teaching organizational skills so that students know where to find the tools in their notes when they need them. It is recognizing that social emotional skills are part of the curriculum of my physics class.

To keep classroom ecology at the forefront, my lesson planning requires deliberate moments of checking in, interacting with each other, organizing our work, explaining our thinking, taking time to process, and moments of flexibility where I know students will bring something entirely new to the lesson. At the end of the day, we are building a learning community together.

Social Justice

Every day I learn more about how becoming an educator is my fight towards social justice. I interrogate my beliefs, my actions, the systems in which I exist. I reconsider my goals: from changing public education entirely to influencing a single student to disrupting the systems and on and on. I read, I listen, I speak. I challenge myself take steps towards my lofty goals. I take copious notes in class, processing to turn theory into practice. I collect my students’ needs and opinions. I grow and I reflect.

I am grateful to be surrounded by educators, mentors, and supporters who are working with me to make schools a place of action and change in society. I am grateful to be able to pursue graduate work in a field that is more than just my work, but my life. In seminar today, a group of classmates and I created a “Top 5” priorities for social justice educators. I will end with these as a reminder: What does it mean to teach for social justice?

Building student self-esteem and love of learning.

Providing opportunities for students to work with diverse groups of people so that students may gain an understanding of and appreciation for themselves and others.

Diagnosing student needs and abilities in order to design an instructional plan that will best meet their academic needs/weaknesses.

Develop student critical thinking and problem resolving skills.

Increasing student awareness of social issues and building their ability to take action toward reform.

References

“Academic Ignorance and Black Intelligence” by William Labov

Ambitious Science Teaching by Mark Windschitl, Jessica Thompson, And Melissa Braaten

Case Studies in Special Education: A Social Justice Perspective by Tera Torres and Catherin R. Barber

“Hearing what’s not said and missing what is: Black language in White public space” by Samy H. Alim

“Language and Identity at Home” by James Gee

“Language as a Tool for Thinking” by Neil Mercer

Middle and Secondary Classroom Management: Lessons from Research and Practice by Carol Simon Weinstein and Ingrid Novodvorsky

“No Kinda Sense” by Lisa Delpit

“Why I study... Interthinking” by Neil Mercer

#ramblings #teaching

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ayellowblog · 7 years ago

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an important movie !

#spiderman #spiderverse #fanart #digital art #art

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ayellowblog · 7 years ago

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Happy winter break to me!

#books #collage

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ayellowblog · 7 years ago

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Becoming an Empowered Teacher

Walking out of my last social foundations class of the quarter today, I was wired. Our class discussion was rich with the possibilities of a classroom as a teacher despite the tremendous constraints of the current political climate and state of public education. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much could be achieved through my own actions as a teacher and the actions of my students. I felt so driven to persevere in the work – to continue to fight and challenge and grow. I felt empowered that teaching is what I am meant to do.

When I think of my classroom, I envision this power in the hands of my students. I see respect, compassion, curiosity, hope, collaboration, challenge, joy, love, strength. I dream of student discussions, voices, asking each other for help, sharing successes, failures, fears. We work together, we build our classroom together, we enact change.

But somehow, despite my hopes and dreams, most people don’t see teaching the way I do. Being a teacher has become a mangled concept fraught with pity, frustration, and disillusionment. I know because I nearly gave up on being a teacher exactly one year ago. But I also know that I am a stronger teacher now. I know what I believe in – myself, my students, and those who care deeply about the betterment of society. Teaching is no longer a job that I feel is not for me, but who I am and how I understand my role in the world.

I remember a day when, as a sophomore in college, I walked into the office hours of senior-level administrator who was also a professor of a class that I was preparing to drop. Distraught, I had come straight from the career fair where several education non-profits had eagerly stuffed pamphlets into my hands telling me that I didn’t need an education degree to teach and I could immediately make an enormous impact on students. I was a year into my biomedical engineering degree and simultaneously becoming immersed in student activism on campus. My academic and extracurricular pursuits were diverging dramatically.

I collapsed into a chair opposite my professor. She gave me the kindest and most reassuring look one can give a student who is about to drop one’s class but won’t stop coming to office hours for advice. I was at a loss. I poured out my heart and soul about my degree and my academics and my parents’ expectations and the joy I experienced tutoring students and the responsibility I felt towards fighting for social justice and the tragic disconnect between my desire to pursue science and my need to take part in activism and the pamphlets in my hands begging me to change my major at that exact moment. All I wanted to do was become a science teacher and my professor said to me—why not?

Most teachers can point to that one teacher who changed their life, and here’s what mine said to me: being a queer woman of color teaching science to marginalized students is fighting for social justice.

And I know it sounds like fairy godmother level bibbity bobbity boo kind of nonsense, but what she said truly changed my life. Being a queer teacher, a teacher of color, a woman teaching science, or any combination of the above, was already disrupting the concept of teaching. I could engage in all of the things I cared about and found important in the world in one profession. When I say it like that, it really does sound like fantasy. And yet here I am, four years since that conversation, and I am only more convinced that teaching is meant for me.

A year ago, I was terrified. I was in the worst place I have been in my entire life. It was November of my first year of teaching. I hadn’t gone a waking hour without thinking about school in weeks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

And that was where I was supposed to be. By November, my school had successfully turned me from an extremely qualified and eager teacher to an utterly incapacitated wreck. Daily, I was forced to do the exact opposite of what my students needed: send them out of class, punish them for speaking to each other, prevent them from eating and going to the bathroom, and worst of all, not tell them that I didn’t believe in a single thing that I was doing. Any person with empathy would have had a mental breakdown too. There I was, so devoted to doing right by the students, and yet every school policy that I was meant to enforce asked me to do the opposite. I was so so so broken, and I can’t even begin to think of how the students must have felt.

This is not meant to be a public mockery of the school (although perhaps I could write a separate post about that), but rather a piece of context to understand how far I have come since then. I was someone committed to social justice and was enforcing the exact kind of zero-tolerance policies that have been proven time and time again to only worsen outcomes for marginalized students. It’s almost ironic that this school has been touted as successfully closing the achievement gap. But I digress.

I have been fortunate to find so many people who have supported me as I grow as a teacher. They are my friends and family who supported me when I was at my worst last November. They are my peers in my graduate program who are learning and growing in their practice. They are my colleagues at the school where I student teach who allow me into their classrooms to watch. They are my colleagues at the school I used to teach who helped me make it through the year despite so much hardship. They are the students who show me every day how there is so much more room to grow.

Teaching is not a set of practices and strategies. Nor is it worksheets and homework. It’s a place where I feel that change is possible. It’s where I see students revise their thinking and challenge each other and make connections between our classroom and their world. It’s where I find hope when I feel weak – when I read about another tragedy or experience an injustice.

And maybe that’s why it’s who I am now. Because when I feel hopeless that our society is so unjust, I know that the only thing I can do is fight back. When I see leaders abuse their power, I return to my classroom and envision the hundreds of leaders that I might learn from, for whom my classroom can be a space of empowerment. I must take action because my existence is only because of my belief that a just society is possible—and that I deserve it.

It has been a year and a half since I first started teaching. I feel empowered and optimistic that my vision for my classroom is possible. There are so many things that I have cultivated to make this work sustainable for myself and my peers who are fighting alongside with me. I know to rely on my support network and to support others as well - whether this be in creating lesson plans or sharing meals together. By widening my network of teacher-friends, I learn from them and find an everlasting source of pedagogical wisdom. I am perpetually challenged and encouraged to grow.

I remember that this work is always about my students--their ideas, their skills, their enthusiasm. Even on a day where everything goes wrong, or a student takes out their frustration on me, or I’m having a terrible day, I always receive reminders from students to persevere. I keep their notes and drawings and gifts to give me a boost. A student notices my gloomy mood and that moment of sympathy reminds me of how our support for each other goes two ways. I read a piece of student work that shows that they’ve truly understood the lesson. A student makes a joke in class just to make me laugh. All of the small pieces make the big picture possible.

I develop my resilience. I celebrate the small victories and I acknowledge my mistakes opportunities to learn. I do not blame myself when things go wrong. I treat myself with compassion. I take breaks from the work. I pet my cats. I buy many plants from the hardware store. I spend time with my friends and family. I make meals and order to-go when I don’t have the time. I remind myself of my strength, of how far I have come and how hard I have worked.

I am optimistic for what is possible and that there is always somewhere to go next.

References

Andrade, J. (2007). “Gangstas, Wanksters and Ridas: Defining, Developing and Supporting Effective Teachers in Urban Schools.” In Qualitative Studies in Education.

Baldwin, J. (1998). “A talk to teachers.” Collected essays. New York: Library of America.

Blackburn, M. & McCready, L. T. (2009). Voices of queer youth in urban schools. Theory Into Practice, 48, 222-230.

Emdin, C. (2016). For White Folks Who Teach In the Hood. Boston: Beacon Press.

Freire, P. (2000). Pedagogy of the Oppressed. New York: Bloomsbury Academic.

Ginwright, S. (2016). Hope and Healing in Urban Education: How Urban Activists and Teachers are Reclaiming Matters of the Heart. New York: Routledge.

A selection from GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network). The 2016 National school climate survey: The experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth in our national schools. http://www.glsen.org/nscs

Spring, J. (2012). Deculturalization and the struggle for equality: A brief history of the education of dominated cultures in the United States. Boston: McGraw-Hill.

#ramblings #teaching

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ayellowblog · 7 years ago

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Year 1

I’ve been anticipating writing this for a long time. The big piece of writing to describe everything I experienced in my first year of teaching. I don’t typically share the details of my life on social media, but this year has taught me so much.

I began this year eager. College had been brutal, and I was about to embark on a new adventure with new people and new experiences. I met coworkers who were passionate and pushed me to be my best. I was so excited.

And then I was terrified, anxious, frustrated, hurt, and filled with doubt. I would sit at my desk in the morning shaking in fear. I wouldn’t let myself leave the kitchen table on weekends lest I spend a minute away from preparing lessons and grading. I cried everyday, waiting for the inevitable day I would quit. I felt as if I taught every lesson detached from my body, incapable of responding to anything that was happening, giving instructions and walking around the room aimlessly.

In November, I went on medical leave. I felt doubt and relief. I went to a lot of therapy and started taking medication for anxiety. I journaled, read books, went to museums, cleaned the house, spent time with my cat. I was finally honest with those around me with how much I struggled. I received so much love and support. I learned to be kind to myself.

In January, I returned to the classroom. I felt nervous, but determined. I made sure that I ate my meals and maintained a sleep schedule. I gave myself breaks. I allowed myself to be silly. I worked to build relationships with students that I had previously been terrified of becoming close to. I let myself be vulnerable. I let students and coworkers see me struggle and be frustrated. Everyone was kind--especially my students. By showing them my own obstacles, we built a strong community together. I didn’t cry for the rest of the year.

I learned. I learned something from every single student I taught and even those I did not. I learned when to be loud and when to be soft. I let go of the high expectations I had of being a strong teacher and instead decided to be me. I laughed and smiled every day. I deviated from the lesson plans to indulge philosophical science questions. I danced and sung and made corny jokes and said “lit” too many times and rivaled the drama of the 15 year-olds I taught. I felt so, so much joy.

I was frustrated. I still felt overworked. I performed an absurd amount of emotional labor. I was reprimanded for being childish. I was ignored when advocating for mental health awareness for students. No matter how much work my department put into our curriculum and teaching, we still scored dead last on every network assessment.

This is to say that being a teacher is just as everyone says. It is about being overworked, underpaid, and tired. It is about joy, curiosity, growth, relationships, community -- students!!! It has helped me understand who I am and what I care about and how important it is to support young people, especially at this pivotal point in modern history. It has given me so much drive to push myself to engage in this political moment at a time where I have felt so unempowered. It has allowed me to be confident in who I am and stand up for what I believe.

About to embark on the next step to becoming the superpowered teacher I dream to be, I am overcome with a deep sense of awe of everything I have accomplished and experienced this year. My year cannot be summarized in one sweeping narrative arc. It has so many moments that are what made the story possible:

A student who let me believe in him. Who let me be kind and caring and harsh. Who has such a big heart surrounded by an incredibly thick shell.

The sweetest kids who came to my homework detention every Monday to draw pictures with me that then covered the wall by my desk.

The lovers of Biology whose hands shot up for every question and made my lessons joyous to teach.

A student who shared her dystopian creative writing piece with me because she thought I would love it because it centered on a queer romance.

My advisee who comes off as thinking she is better than everyone else (she does) who sat with me for hours to talk about her fears of letting people be close to her and thanked me for advocating for her and never giving up on her despite her attitude.

A student who has come so far this year. Whose growth might have flown under the radar, but whose brilliance will shine bright in the years to come.

Previously known as the bane of my existence, a student who I am just now starting to understand. One who is aloof, but intelligent. Seemingly cocky, but also incredibly curious. I wish I had seen you sooner. Thanks for sharing your biology raps with me. I hope you don’t go unnoticed.

A note from a sweetheart that said: “You and your smile will be missed.”

Thanks to so many. 10 months ago, I never thought I would see this day. Here’s hoping for many more.