Hey, this is my personal blog where im gonna keep all of the negativity of my thoughts n stuff like that, sometimes, ill be positive tho
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do you still think of me after all we’ve been though?
do you find it heart hurting and annoying like i do?
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There is a difference in wanting to love someone and wanting to love somebody.
I foolishly thought otherwise
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i’m not entitled to be cared for by other people, that screws me up the most because i want to care for people
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It’s kinda weird how I’d want to chase my dream of becoming a therapist because I feel like no one wants to talk to me, but as a therapist someone is paying me to help them in the form of talking meaning they want to talk to me, need me in a way, but now that I’m healing, I’m not sure if that’s the career I want to persue. That’s also wack in its own because I really wanted to be one, but now that my mental health is returning to normal, I can see how thick the forced perspective was on me.
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I’m sorry that I’m a problem, I’m sorry that I tried to become a solution, I’m sorry I failed to make you happy, I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough, I’m sorry I tried to be happy. I truly am sorry, but I’m not sorry for leaving, I’m not sorry that I left because this wasn’t healthy, I’m not sorry for leaving to make our lives less toxic. I’m sorry I’m not sorry for this.
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I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I wonder if you lay in bed at night wanting me to be cuddled up beside you just as much as I want to hug you and hear your heartbeat as I fall asleep. I wonder if your lips ever miss mine, if you have to press on them a bit like I do to satisfy them a bit. I wonder if you look at me and think that's the person you want to spend your life with as I do when I see you. I wonder, if your heart beats as fast as mine when our eyes lock together. I wonder if after this month, your heart broke as much as mine.
Feeling angsty :p
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I’ve never cried so hard that my head actually hurts, I guess tonight’s a first
And yea I’m ok now (no worries -u-)
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Ok so I have more dreams that I remember that include a weird key finding reality with a demon lady trying to do something (I never found her motive), messing around in a haunted house?(it looked like the residence evil 7 house even though I dreamt of this way before it came out), my experience with the flying dream, and since more people have been following me, just wanted to ask if you guys would be interested in me sharing the dreams like I did my nightmare! :p
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I just had a nightmare about a stalker
Right so, this is a weird nightmare I had and I’m pretty startled by it;
I was in a grocery store with an old japanese couple, I seemed to be shopping with them and helping them around, the old man (om) was decent in structure. He could walk and talk without assistance. The old woman (ow) was also like this for now. I walked around the store with them sweating bullets because I’m taking Japanese as a class but I really don’t know much at all so if they ask me a question I’m gonna look dumb and stupid.
Of course on command om begins to speak Japanese but I just give him a I’m sorry I don’t understand look, he then handed me a candy and I said thank you, thinking that’s what he told me and ate it. They continue shopping while I feel bad about not helping more. I decide to chew some gum as they begin to pay, remembering how you have to offer some to your elders as respect I offer some to ow and she takes it, I try to give some to om and he is more hesitant. Then I remember you have to reject something three times before you accept it in Japan culture so I proceed with that, not getting the hint he doesn’t want to. OW comes in and in Japanese (I can’t understand) says something along the lines of its good, take it. He takes the gum and we walk outside and down the block to a house.
The old man as we walked into the house told me he also spoke Spanish (which I know) so I began to joke around and get to know them from there. He tells ss something like my wife is so old I’m glad for your help. I look at the old woman and she seems way older and way more fragile than she was. She was oddly holding on to me for support and seemed like she was on her last week of a long life. I freaked out and helped her inside.
The house was their house, is had large stairs going up about two floors; the stairs lead to a living room and from there the house. The room was light up by sunlight from the windows. The house had an old feel to it, the couches were covered in clear plastic, you could see dust in the sun rays. It looked old, but the old when embroidery was everywhere, the laps were in tables and small, the had glass with another lightbulb as the stand for the actual light source that’s covered with the hat thing. The carpet was a weird shade of brown, the paintings of the sea covered with dust. The cabinet filled with fancy plates and cups sat in the corner. It was a comforting yet stuffy feeling like something wasn’t right.
The old man looking younger than he was a few seconds ago, takes the weak old woman to her room. I put down my backpack as sit on the couch waiting for the man to come back. When he came back we had a conversation about something but I can’t remember what it. He suddenly got up and started to yell at me in perfect english. I was scared but I don’t remember why he started yelling, but at the end, I remember he said, “I TRIED TO WARN YIU BUT YOU DIDNT LISTEN. NOW YOU PAY THE PRICE WOTH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS.” And
Everything went dark
I’m not sure what happened, I think I fainted? But I woke up still on the couch with the man no where to be seen, I remembered the old lady and felt like I should get her out of there too. I went into her room and took her outside, telling her to stay put and I’ll be back. I went back to get my backpack but I felt someone starring at me. I got my backpack, put it on and sprinted out once I knew someone was in fact creeping.
I helped the old woman up and we began to walk away from the house twords a bus stop. I looked around and realized it was the path I take from the school to the bus and that I have passed that house almost every day for three years now. I freaked out and picked up the old woman and ran to the Main Street only to find two things had happened; the old woman I was carrying turned into a baby, and the bus stop and street had turned into a market place much like a flea market. I weaved pass the crowd as I still felt in danger. I looked behind me and there he was. It was a teen, around my age, he looked insane, his pupils small, his face smiling, his movement mimicking mine. I freak out more and being to just push people out of the way trying to get away from him. I eventually bump into a woman who just knows something is wrong. She gets into a car with another woman and tells me again if something is wrong. I look back to see the guy still following me so I hand them the baby, they act happy and comment on what a beautiful baby she is and with that I start running again.
I run against the crown for a while and the market turns into a bee and hornet market. I’m stepping in peoples honey and wax combs. I run into swarms of hornets, into more people. I wanted to stop but I was too scared to stop, I know someone is behind me, he’s gonna do terrible things to me out of “love”. I end up running into my aunt and my old elementary/middle school crush. My aunt gives me attitude for bumping into her as she does and I just start crying, I ask her to help me because I’m being chased. She gives me a pitiful look and gets on the phone. My old crush (crush) comforts me and looks around to protect me in case he shows up again. My aunt gets off the phone and tells me to get into this big black SUV.
My uncle is in the driver seat and is concerned out of his mind, my aunt takes shotgun while me and crush take the backseat where he continues to attempt to protect me. We drive off into a high way, I get a glimpse of the stalker. He looks devistated and angry. Our eyes making contact, his almost said betrayal. We continue down the highway and it’s turning into night.
We were cursing for a few minutes when the car gets hit from behind. My uncle is trying to get control of the car and I look back to see a couple in another SUV with the stalker in the back. He looks enraged and psychotic. He said something and I only saw his mouth move but I felt as if he said he was going to have me, on way or another. I start to cry again with crush hugging me to comfort and protect me. My uncle gains control of the car and somehow we lose the couple.
We are now driving down some streets instead of the highway and I determine we are driving to my school. My aunt looks back and says we are here but when we get out, it’s just a random building. It looked like the back of my school but it just wasn’t it. We walk to the building hoping it can help but it didn’t. Then the back door opened, and my stalker came out.
He began to walk twords me, eager to take me away. He moved too smoothly for the look in his face. It was the same as the first time I saw him. His eyes intense with his smile wide and cheerful. He was dressed well which made me all the more uncomfortable and afraid. He walked closer but just then, he tripped an alarm for the building and was attacked by the security system. Me and the group ran to the car and sped away, I looked back and there he was in the middle of the road. Sad and alone.
We drived to my school, and actually got there, we were at the back of it and when I got out of the car, I saw my friend group there, they all turned to look at me and they all looked worried. I was relived to see them but I felt it, he was back, crush was behind me but quickly hugged me and shielded me from him. I didn’t see his because I began bawling into crushes shoulder but I knew the stalker was there. I looked at my group of friends and saw my boyfriend get up and walk to me and crush, I immediately went to him and cried on to him instead.
I looked up to see my stalker, and I regret it. His face, was crying too, he was sad and jealous, he had regret and anger in his eyes. He looked almost done, like his world had been shattered. He stood defeated but I knew he wanted me. He wanted to do terrible things. He wanted to keep me forever no matter how I felt. He would stop at nothing to get me. The more I looked at him the more scared I got. The feeling becoming intense, I couldn’t breathe, it felt like I was drowning in the feeling of fear and disbelief. I began to cry and that’s when I woke up, I was sweating and I had tears in my eyes.
And that was my nightmare. I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight, I still see his face in my head and I’m really scared. I know it’s just a nightmare but. It seemed to real?
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