ayoubhr

[ayoubhr]

Sometimes i wonder if I'm just lost in my own thoughts.. thinking that the people who seem to love me are just a reflection of my own love towards them, is it just an illusion? is it just me? it drives me crazy! that explains why i leave and why i give up so easily..

[ayoubhr]

It’s been a while.. a year almost.. going back to posting here anyway

[ayoubhr]

God.. I fuckin miss her so much

[ayoubhr]

I'M FUCKING CRYING INSIDE, I HOPE I CAN TURN THAT SHIT INTO TEARS I JUST CAN'T.

[ayoubhr]

bring it on

I've always hated being the victim of my own kindness, it makes me look foolish though i was the brightest and the smartest but.. but i was the kindest, with a strong subconscious and a heart beating hard, you people, want someone to hurt you, you people want someone to fucking put you down, step on you, abuse you and makes​ it look sweet, you people want the devil cause you think it's the most amazing combination of love and strength, you people want someone heartless cause you think those are the ones who think straight and can handle life, bring me hell and I'll show you how I'll walk dragging you out of it, but no, you people don't deserve the good things​ at all.. i FUCKING wish that suddenly everything turns to hell around me, i need me some fire and some demons to fuck with, some bullets to shoot, some people to hurt, some hearts to break and many sins to do, give me a gun i want to kill, and I'll start with my subconscious​ and my heart, which was your only defense from me.

[ayoubhr]

i talk to me

Easily, lay back in silence and breath, breath your dying cigarettes and feel its warmth , move slowly under you sheets and remember it all, remember how warm your heart is and remember everything that breaks in your mind, like a light sneaking from your window at 5 am slowly coming in, telling you that time is slow and the night will fade..

easily burn all the memories and what remains, light another candle, find a way through darkness and feel safe again, try again tomorrow, before they rush again, before they rush against you, the few that still hold you will go away, where will you go? you will rest and you will feel it all, you will die in many ways, your body is safe, it's your god's will, it's the war under your skin it's the feeling that's always still, still the same thing, and the same bless and the same feel, don't care about them because you're existing in their world, where the room is dark, the curtains are soft and the mind feels old..

easily pull the sheets​ closer and feel alone, feel weak and alone till the bones feel like a king without a crown, feel the cold weather and gear up with a third candle, that slowly getting bright, feel like you just had a fight and you won, because​ you're a warrior and a warrior never dies easily..

easily cry, yes cry rivers and oceans of thoughts​ and close your eyes and never mind the clouds you're way higher than that, you're the infinite, you're the dying talent of an aging poet, of a raging loser and an ungrateful winner, be the night please, don't be a saint, they are mortals neither a sinner that bleeds for it all, just search for the inner link between you and you and make that call, make a fucking call, before you leave and go backwards​ and fall, it's almost winter and my shadow is getting tall, and I'm told things that hurt you and we both know it all, it's another candle and 5:09 tells me the strong memory is hard to handle and you wonder what we both do, in the early morning without a clue, what did had to do with you, the same old stuff of me that​ breaks me and breaks you that had you like a tree and turned blue, I'm not sure of how it sounds or how it feels or how they read it all and turn around for a view, because i was aching and now i can see my bones out like they're shaking I don't care how..

easily, stop by the beach and wait there you'll see me calmly saying my name instead​ of yours, and the " you're safe now" is out of date, you can try again or wait at the shores of a lake, a dead stream or that's​ how it seems, never mind it's over now, and my dreams are still the same, nor hate or blame will end the world or stop the clock, nor me and you will finish the game, please, easily help me be me tomorrow when i wear you for the living and walk by my side when i walk back and drag me back again. i love you because i love me and i might be lovely like the rain when it falls outside and disliked​ when you feel the pain but I'm never shaking because of how cold it's told and I'm never insane.

[ayoubhr]

🌠

[ayoubhr]

blurry 💕

[ayoubhr]

[ayoubhr]

Do we know me?

Do i really belong to where i exist? cause i can already feel lost, and I can't find my self, i looked everywhere, i looked above the clouds of thoughts​ in my head, in the seas of my beautiful memories and over mountains of my sweet mistakes, but i found nothing but disappointment​, regret, and a waste​ of my unreplaceable time, i swear to god i almost believed​ that my​ mind was poisoned by some sort of a disease, look i can explain, if you look deep inside you you'll know that there's things that can't be explained​ even if you wanted to, things that hurt you and you can't find reasons why it does hurt, things that touches your heart in a way that can't be described, that's how my poison tastes, too harmful to let me feel free, too beautiful to be deadly, it's not anyone's fault, it's my mind that makes me feel like a homesick traveler everytime i feel that i can't control it, everytime i feel that i don't belong to the people around me, the dead inside, the unhappy, the hidden behind their beautiful faces, the hidden behind their sweet phrases and the other me that grew up because of all the reflections of people's​ act and the experiences i had, the "me" that belongs to everyone, that everyone can talk to and understand​, yes "me" gotta be gone too, cause I'm feeling this homesickness for a full change for too long to be just a phase or a feeling, don't assume that you do know what i am please, it makes me feel like a book, and how dare you compare a book to a universe? how dare you think this is too much of self love when i don't even consider my self mine.. you don't know anything about Ayoub, cause the real me was always made to be hidden, I'm sorry.

[ayoubhr]

some people won't understand you, not because you're mysterious or hard to understand, it's just you're too real and they got used to understand fake people

[ayoubhr]

A Cold Night..

everything is so quiet tonight

and am at my window staring outside

it's cold because it's open

but i still couldn't breathe right

and all i can hear is a cigarette burning

and the wind slowly passing by

like the clouds are still learning

how to fly their way at night

and you think that i lost the feel?

because of what the demon said

or because my heart isn't made of steel?

or because we're living inside my head

but i know a star that is shining for us

though it's so far away and already dead

who are we to judge, what our fathers​ did

[ayoubhr]

The Storm

Me and you and the strom

And nights of rage that kept me warm

Me and you and the floods

And flavors of life in names of gods

Me and you on a train

And one of us is going insane

Me and you and the rain

And of one of us is lost in pain

Me and you and the deep sea

And the blind me that can't see

Me and you and the rage

And the book with the missing page

Me and you and the night

And the the morning's rushing daylight

Me and you and the stars

And one of us is touching his scars

Me and you and who else to trust

I was the one who's​ made of stardust.

[ayoubhr]

One of our problems that most of us keep trying to impress people who would never appreciate what we do, a self made loop of dissatisfaction that will never lead us feeling proud about something we do.

[ayoubhr]

Sinking..

i still visit you in my dreams, i still see the moon, the ship and the calm sea, in my day dreams i travel miles and miles through time and memories, i do things i never did, i have things that i still don't have, i visit them when the night comes​ and i wake up at midnight and i know i can't stay, because i'm living in an illusion and I'm not waking up anytime soon, i know the dead are the winners​ and the living are the point of living, but this heavy soul of mine knows​ all the sorrows​ in our heads, knows​ how i struggle to revive the broken things in me, though it knows what's dead remains dead, breaks through a dream with another dream fades away and travels deep in my mind touching walls they painted inside in no time or just in the time that takes me to pull another cigarette out of the pack, it remains inside, but they're fools if they think they can hide, they know how i can think and feel and they know the path i made and they know our minds are dying and i know how i look in their eyes and your eyes and i'm not ashamed to speak but no one will understand how the pure me was made, how i speak with my mind and let you know that i exist under you skull, how i can still touch you from miles away, and how i can still breathe your toxic presence easier than oxygen, well it isn't about what my body wants, it isn't about what you want, it is like a sunflower and the sun, it rises when the sun shines breaths light like cocaine, i am not a sunflower, i am more like a tree, my roots are deep in your heart and my branches will softly play with your hair and fucks up your mind, and i grow there and i feed my self with my own power that i gather from your existence and our flaws, it will make sense, it won't take long to get to your head, it won't hit you hard like the sinking anchor you feel inside you when you feel like a broken chair made for a reason and got broken for a reason and left for the poor, neither​ will go easily cause it's not really a love season or passing train, it's like the blood stream in your veins, and i will witness the end and crawl back to my remains when our minds gets old and tired and careless, when it's only a matter of​ time and only the moon worths to see, when the only place to be is by the sea, in a ship drinking​ coffee while it's sinking..

[ayoubhr]

Blue

[ayoubhr]

Her (2013)