babble-in-the-boardroom

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

"Carl, Carl, Carl--just gimme the highlights here, and we can circle back about this in a couple weeks. I'm trying to get out of the office early today...yes I'm on holiday next week...going to Harry Potter World...I know, apparently it's better than Disney! ...I think it's non-alcoholic, so--...[sigh] yes Carl, I'll see if they can give me the recipe for the butterbeer...You're welcome."

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

“Dear All: If the subject line of your email is longer than the body of your email, I will delete it immediately. Similarly, if your email only has a lengthy subject line and no body, I will fire you. Kind regards.” 

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

"Listen, honey, he's a jerk, okay? You deserve better. Any man knows that Olive Garden is not appropriate for a one-year anniversary. Please. Unlimited breadsticks? I mean, HELLO carbs. Oh, sorry hun gotta go, pullin' up to this drive-thru Starbucks…Yea, today is some webcast about ‘finding your inner passions’…I don’t know, it’s supposed to help me ‘unlock success in the workplace’…right, that parachute guy…I know, I need a venti.”

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

“Thanks everyone for dialing in. You should’ve all gotten the deck I--goddamnit...Tracy! How do you turn off the webcam?!” 

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

[In a whisper] "I can't really talk right now but the Eagles season tickets go on sale at noon and I really need you to log on and buy two for me.... I can't, I'm in this conference all day...Yea. I know...Right. I know...Listen. I get it. I get that it's bad for my mental health, I get that they shit the bed every year, but I can't help it, okay?! I don't need a lecture about this right now. Just buy the tickets."

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

"Sent at 12:18pm?! Why am I just getting this email now?! There's no way I can finish this brief and make it all the way downtown by 5. I'm gonna miss half-priced appetizers...Tracy! Can you come in here? I think my phone's broken! I did that rice trick and it must not have worked!"

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

"Carl, Carl, Carl--I know, I hear you. But listen. You have to eat the elephant one bite at a time...no, it's just a saying....I don't know....okay, I know humans don't eat elephants, but maybe in the wild it's....uh huh. They don't have any natural predators? Really. Well, I saw an episode of "Planet Earth" in which a bunch of lions took down a full-grown elephant--so pretend you're a lion in this situation, okay?"

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

"So I just told her, 'Judy, if you want to re-tile the backsplash it would definitely make the kitchen look nicer but I'm not sure it would add property value.' I may not be a contractor but I watch a lot of HGTV so I think it's fair to say I know what I'm talking about."

[babble-in-the-boardroom]

"Just make it happen, okay? This RFP is giving me agita. I'll circle back tomorrow, but just remember we gotta go for the low hanging fruit. Alright, I gotta go, I've got a 3 o'clock with these farm animals. Weeble-woobles at 4."