babysteptherapy - Tumblr blog

[babysteptherapy]

Where Was I

And even more importantly, where were you?

I have decided not to keep writing here. People are too quick to attack and use personal info these days. I'll stick to my notebook. Maybe I'll copyright it before I die but Id rather die at 105 than 45. IYKYK

[babysteptherapy]

setbacks and then some

I will not be writing about my younger siblings, my job, my physical pains nor my various therapies today.

My focus today is making a plan to move everything I own out of a large three bedroom, two bath home that I made for myself and my daughter, and into a two bedroom, one bath home. I am sad to lose something I worked so hard for and spent so much money on-- but it is deeper than those things. My daughter's high school experiences happened there. We had many celebrations there. Many teenagers felt safe and had fun there. They were allowed to be loud and they were... they really were.

I have a chalk board wall with original chalk art by my daughter, her friends, my family, and myself that I'll only be able to preserve in a photograph.

It is difficult leaving things behind that possess real magic. It is real because I believe it's real. That's good enough for me.

Today I will focus on my plan to preserve as much memory as possible for as long as possible.

[babysteptherapy]

patience

I wrote around eighty paragraphs and was about to click Post now and my screen freaked out and it erased everything. The draft had been saved thousands of times before this happened, and despite my efforts, it seems it is lost forever. Prolly for the best.

Patience is one thing I do have and am proud of and have been told by many people that I am an incredibly patient person. I could have thrown my phone and smashed it with a hammer, but that would not bring my post back. It definitely would create a situation out of thin air and nothingness.

What a waste.

I had therapy this morning and was going to talk about that, but it is bedtime now.

ZzZz night

[babysteptherapy]

step two

Today, I went for a walk. This is not abnormal and it definitely wasn't strenuous or anything I can't handle. It just happened to be my off-day before I work nine days in a row running a retail store with zero help or breaks. Because it is spring break! Hope all who participate make it!

There are often times mental suffering within my immediate family and despite my own internal battles, I am feeling grateful to be someone they call. I feel very grounded and yet, I myself have been going through another transitional phase. I am focused on myself and my own goals now, but always available to others in turn. Sometimes, being available is hard and I just want to isolate, but that only feels worse and fills me full of guilt.

My family is my everything, and each person I love has been through so much. That in of itself hurts me, because I feel helpless. It feels bad when you can't protect people you love. Nothing is in my control and I have learned to acknowledge and accept this- and I even feel relieved about it. It breaks the cycle of the repetitive feeings of guilt and shame. Now, I just feel the sadness with them and try to refocus on my gratefulness that they are still here.

My siblings are in much pain right now and I can feel it. They reach out to me and I listen and then I share. Today, my sister decided to go to the hospital and stay for a time.

Today, I went for a walk.

[babysteptherapy]

[babysteptherapy]

step one

In this post, I will not describe the beginnings and I will not describe myself. I am using this blog as therapy because writing has been a therapy of mine since I was around fifteen years old. Over two decades later, I have lived through some shit that I feel needs to be worked out in a variety of creative ways. If you stumbled upon this, congrats! I have nothing to offer you other than entertainment and perhaps a glimmer of hope that your life (or at least your personality- or Tumblr) ain't too bad afterall.

What I want to write about today is why I choose to write, and why I am choosing writing to help myself get on with it. It being life.

This exercise of writing which I have engaged in since before Kindergarten is an essential portion of my being. Poetry, songs, assignments, creative writing, journalism, other blogs/journals, content for other creatives, marketing campaigns for non-profits, training guides for businesses- writing is essential to my life overall and I feel it is one of the few things I am decent enough in to be so bold to share with an outside world that is way more insane than I'll ever allow myself to be. It will eventually become very clear as to why this is, that is- if I can stay disciplined and vigilant long enough.

Since around 2010, it has become increasingly difficult for me to remain focused on a task long enough to complete it (like, for example, finishing this post). I have attempted keeping journals to record my thoughts and feelings and I scribble down one or two days' worth of whatevers and then get on with the next thing.

My goal here is to write a thoughtful post (hopefully about my progression as a human) at least once weekly.

That's all for now.