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Anxiety

Every turn you take seems to be wrong Even when the turn is right it dead ends Every choice you make goes so very bad Always running yet always feeling trapped

Every mistake seems to be unforgivable Voices within berating you endlessly Every fear becomes so overwhelming Panic building in you until you scream

Every emotion seems to be too intense Soaring highs crashing down to despair Every wrong word cutting too sharp Leaving you a whimpering mess inside

Every light seems to be going out Darkness threatening to overwhelm Every moment feels like drowning As you just trying to hang on

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Dear Jason,

 I’m missing you desperately tonight.  I know it’s cliché but I’ve been watching Rent tonight and watching a movie about people living with AIDS and thinking about the one person I’ve lost to that horrible disease are not that far apart.  I don’t think we ever even watched this movie together.  Maybe because you didn’t tell me about you being sick until years after you were disagnosed.  Maybe you didn’t like the movie.  Maybe it was never on when we were talking or living together.  Heck maybe just because you didn’t want me to strangle the music with my voice.

 God Jason, you were such a bright brilliant light in my world.  A light the world should have known better.  It only took a few words from you to get me smiling, a few more to get me laughing.  Not that you didn’t also have some harsh words for me when I needed them as well. You definitely gave me a verbal tongue lashing when you knew I was being an ass, feeling sorry for myself, or just in general showing my ass to the world.  Yet I would take one of those lectures gladly today just to know you were still alive. Just to know you were still here with me.

 I hope you have found peace. I mean, I know you always had way more peace than me in life anyway but I also know you hid a lot of pain.  Very seldom would you let me see you cry because you told me crying was weakness and even though I don’t agree with that, I did not press matters.  Sometimes I think that was a mistake because I feel like you would have gotten a lot out that you needed to say.  At the end, we both had so much to say to each other but I feel like your last message to me on Facebook told me all I needed to know.  I hope it means you forgave me for all the harm I did our friendship and I hope now that you are beyond you realize how much pain I hold in me so therefore know why I was so hateful sometimes.

 It’s a struggle for me, Jake.  It really is. I just want to be happy but all I’ve known my entire life is pain and anger. I’ll be the first to admit, I hold onto my grief, anger, pain, sadness like a safety blanket because I’m so afraid that if I finally give into being happy it won’t be all I’ve built it up to be in my head. I’m afraid I’ll be so disappointed because I know things won’t happen right away even if I allow them to. There are days I wonder if I wouldn’t be better off to be where you are, maybe then I’ll finally find peace.  And if there’s nothing after, well at least I won’t continue to hurt.

 I get angry about that too because part of me screams haven’t I finally earned peace?  Haven’t I been through enough by now?  Wasn’t all that Larry put me through enough?  Wasn’t all the loss and death I’ve experienced, especially recently, enough?  Yet I know that it isn’t.  There are people out there still living with abuse.  There are people out there who have lost entire generations of family and friends.  I know my pain is nothing compare to what some people live with to this day.

 I will say this, Jason, if you are watching over me I know I’ve disappointed you in many ways.  But at the same time, I hope that I have made you proud in just as many.  I hope you see me on my good days where I think about the times you and I were so good together, both close and long distance.  I hope you see me on the rare occasions I smile for no reason as I think about something we did that made my life better.  I hope you see me on the rarest of occasions when I have a little bit of hope. I hope you know I loved you, not just as a friend, a brother, but even more.  I hope you also understand why I never told you, mostly because I didn’t realize it until I knew I was going to lose you to this horrible disease.  Yet, most importantly I hope you know I want to love another again.

                                                                                                 Love,

                                                                                                             James

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The Crazy That Is Me

I know I was horrible to you but I’m still angry

Why would you tell me you would never leave

Yet you took off with just a text message to me

Never giving me a chance to try and fix things

 We had such a connection that I never knew before

We clicked on so many levels that it was insane

More so because of the difference in our ages

Kindred spirits we always were from the beginning

 Maybe I made you uncomfortable about my feelings

With you I was always very touchy feely and felt safe

At first I know you pushed me away but that changed

Once you realized how desperately I needed you

 We’d sleep together when you stayed at my house

I’d snuggle up against you and you said nothing

We’d  hug tight when we were out and about

And you’d reassure me that everything was fine

 We dreamed of a future together with big plans

While we listened to the music that we shared

How could I know your doubt was growing even then

How little did I know what the next weeks would bring

 I don’t know what was worse knowing or not knowing

When you went silent for so long it was torture

Yet when you told me we were over it was hell

So where do I go from there I wonder

 I wish you had left me from the very beginning

I know I had and have many faults that drove you away

Yet you gave me hope that someone would finally stay

Someone would finally love the crazy that is me

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Angels Above

What happened after you left this cold world

Did you go to some fictional pearly gates

Do you watch over me now that you are gone

Or did it just end with no further awareness

 Are you there watching me, judging me

Do you still love me, or do you condemn me

Do you look upon me with pride or with contempt

Lord knows you all influenced my life so much

 A cousin who was more a mother and a sister

Taken way too early from this earthly plane

You were the first who knew who I was

Also the first to know of my ongoing abuse

 My mother who gave up everything for me

Who wanted to keep me so close it hurt

But I wonder if it was you who hurt more

Knowing I was drifting away so quickly

 My father who I now know loved me so

If only we could have connected before

If only when I was growing up I could know

Perhaps it would have saved me so much pain

 Jason, my brother, my heart, my soul

You only wanted to get me to live life

To stop being such a whiny bitch and be happy

I just wish we could have talked one last time

 Jennifer my sister from another mister

My straight wife who loved me completely

You forgave all my faults and mistakes

I only hope I did you right in the end

 So many I have lost, especially recently

I only hope you are all angels above

Watching over and protecting me still

I hope I am doing you justice in my life

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You Shouldn’t Have

You shouldn’t have messaged me

Telling me you wanted to meet

Saying you find me interesting

Promising me you were safe

 You shouldn’t have spoke to me

Your sweet words making me blush

Telling me how beautiful I am

How I make your heart race

 You shouldn’t’ have kissed me

Knowing you were my very first

Making such a big deal about it

Letting me lose myself on your lips

 You shouldn’t have touched me

Letting me believe there could be

Something that could be forever

When all you wanted was once

 You shouldn’t have betrayed me

All your talk and touches a lie

Making me feel less than human

Nothing more than your project

 You shouldn’t have destroyed me

After building me up then leaving

Destroying what little hope I had

Ruining my chance to believe in myself

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Abused

At first I never understood why I got into it

A relationship that was abusive and frankly hell

Then looking back I realized I’ve been putting up with it

People’s abuse for my entire life just not to this level

 Don’t get me wrong it didn’t start that way for a good while

He actually had told me early on that he loved me

But I made the mistake of stepping in when he abused her

Saying things to the end he would use against me

 The first time he hit me I was shocked to no end

I swore then I wouldn’t ever go back to him

And it wasn’t him that drew me back but it was her

My friendship and my concern for her brought me

 His violence with both of us escalated in time

Though with me it was much faster than her

Probably because he didn’t want to deal with him

Who he is wasn’t acceptable within his mindset

  Eventually shoving became punches and kicks

After that the next step was chocking and knives

Sitting in a running truck in a closed garage

It all led up to the night my mind changed

 It started as an okay night with us just chilling

We had a few drinks and as usual an argument

I went to be only to wake up with my bed in flames

He claimed he dropped a candle coming to bed with me

 Knowing him he never was romantic with a candle

Nor was there a candle to be found in the room

So I called him out on trying to burn me alive

And the demon in him came out with a vengeance

 That night I was beaten harder than ever

He poured beer over me and pissed on me

Refusing to let me leave but somehow I escaped

Fleeing to my parents and when we returned he was gone

 I will never accept abuse again in my life

Be it physical, emotional or mental

The fire has purged my soul and so I began anew

Because I am stronger than those who bring me down

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Jason

God we had amazing nights sometimes Jason. You'd convince me to go out, depsite the fact neither of us should be driving either before or definitely after.  We'd go out to a gay bar to see a drag show or just to have a drink.  You'd make me talk to people I've never met though most times you failed at that.  That led to arguments of course, because let's face it I'm an angry person.

You got me to go to my first ever Pride in Wichita. I was highly disappointed by it, I mean the parade was like what, 10 minutes long if that?!?!?  But at least we got to see Mannie.  She told me later that she was so happy to see me being happy and that she could  tell you made it that way.

Then we went to OKC so you could introduce me to your life. You showed me Tramps and Phoenix and so many other clubs. You introduced me to your friends and did everything you could to make me happy.  My dad had died 2 months before and you knew I was losing it, but sadly I had already lost it.  I ruined that as I ruined everything about our friendship.  Only positive things from that trip are my memories of you loving me and the fact you came back to Kansas hung over and I didn't lol.

Jason, I miss you so much.  Every fiber of my being misses you  I miss you cirticizing me for my choices. I miss you telling me I'm being dumb.  I miss sitting in your bed scratching your back.  I miss us drinking together.

God my brother, my love, my heart is breaking again for how much I miss you.

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I Want

I want to feel like you do I want to wake up without fear Wake up without sadness Wondering what the day holds

I want to think like you do See myself as beautiful Love myself for all my gifts Know that people love me

I want to live like you do Taking everyday as it comes Overcoming worry and fear Knowing I can make it through

I want to love like you do No sign of clinging desperation Just easiness and joy Confidence in all you have

I want to be human like you are Not the basket case I always am Doubting, fearing, hating myself Mind never stopping in it's chaos

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“Why Can’t You Be Happy?”

Jason used to always ask me why I couldn't just be happy....I never really had an answer then but I think I have one now.  When you spend so much of your life in pain and sadness, even if it's sometimes self inflicted, the thought of being happy is so alien you shy away from it.

I'm not going to say my early life was horrible by any means, especially not in comparison to what so many children out there go through.  I had parents that loved me and my mom pretty much gave me everything I could want.  However, for a very long time they didn't show me the one thing I needed which was love.  My dad was distant and my mom was often hot and cold, but never do I remember her being loving in my early years.  

Always I sought that love, that affection.  Leading me to find friends who were quick to use me for everything I could give because I so desperate for their acceptance, what I thought was love.  Boys were even worse than girls, and I'm not saying this is why I'm gay, but I guess because my dad barely paid attention to me unless I was doing something he liked I was always trying to get boys to like me which evolved into me "falling in love" with any guy who was nice to me and falling into relationships doomed for pain and failure over and over.

So when Jason asked me that question some years ago, I really had no answer because at the time, I didn't understand what happiness even was.  I was too trapped in the past to see the present let alone the future.  I believe and hope that has changed now, because I really want to be happy.  If for no other reason but to fulfill my promise to Jason and Jen about living my life a better way.

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Jagged Memories

I remember him staring down with those inhuman eyes

Blue blazing like electricity with pupils mere pinpricks

Smelling his breath as it came in ragged gasps

As he grunted above me laughing at my pain and pleas

 I remember the ache in my body from the beating

How it was nothing compared to the tearing pain to come

My wrists feeling crushed as he held me down

The muffled screaming as he ripped my innocence from me

 I remember the fear that strangled my throat

As he grunted out threats of continued pain and death

His guttural insults shredding my heart as he did my body

Till I was only staring at the ceiling mute with tears

 I remember the relief I felt when he rolled off of me

The shivering as I climbed unsteadily from the bed

Limping to the bathroom trying to pull my clothes back on

Daring to not close the door as I tried to clean my body

 I remember the blood that stained my sheets beside him

That evil grin he had as I returned to the scene

Those hateful words that implied I enjoyed his touch

The complete shame within me as my soul shriveled

 I remember the complete terror within me each time

Then the blankness I would find until he was done

The robotic movements to hide all evidence of the deed

My tears never flowing until I knew he slept soundly

 I remember the day when I finally said no more

Telling him that I would rather die than live it again

Praying that my death would be painless and swift

Only to open my eyes and find him gone forever

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Shattered

You look down at my wrists,

The scars of my pain.

But, they are better,

Than the sight of my soul.

 Pain has shattered it,

Betrayal has torn it.

And I trudge through life,

Waiting for the final rest.

 Sometimes, I have hope,

A brighter outlook on life.

Then, I see my friends,

And it all crashes down.

 I see their happiness,

Their joy in living.

Things I'll never have,

Makes me hurt even more.

 One of them I once loved,

I laid my heart at her feet.

Now, she is cold and bitter,

No longer caring how I hurt.

 Another I've always admired,

But, she never seemed to know.

Her family I want to be part of,

But, forever will I be separate.

 The other two are more complex,

They weave a web of confusion.

The things they think are small,

Disturb me greatly.

 One was my first true love,

He says my feelings are wrong.

And since he does not approve,

He is afraid to show he cares.

 The happiness he could bring me

The joy he could cause.

If he could just show me,

That I am not alone here.

 The last in not the least,

For he causes the most grief.

One moment he is gentle,

The next he is cruel.

 Can he not understand?

How hard it was to trust.

Since he reminds me,

Of a time with another man.

 A man who betrayed me,

Raped me body and heart.

Destroyed me for all others,

Or so I thought till my friend came.

 He could not rape me,

This I know.

He has shown me love,

Physically and emotionally.

 Yet, much pain he causes,

For he does not understand.

There is nothing wrong with him,

Or the feelings he feels.

 The suffering is harsh,

Yet, I must endure.

For I must teach him,

To accept himself and my love.

 My friends are my family,

They are my life.

I just hope one day,

They are not my death

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Though people may hurt you in life, never be afraid of letting love into your heart, however small.  Your soul thrives on love in all forms.

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Shirt I got at Wichita Pride a few years ago.  Got one for me and Jason as he was the one who got me to go out for my first and only Pride.

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Strong Woman

A young woman trying to be so brave Trying to hold it together and be strong Dealing with so much loss already in life Worried for the present and future

She is loud and sometimes brash A combination of her joy for life And the facade she puts up So that she never gets hurt by the world

One parent already gone and watching Looking down upon her with pride and love Protecting her as best he can from Heaven Knowing he taught her all he could in life

With a smile that hides her tears She watches her other parent fight for life The mother showing where the daughter got strength The young woman refusing to break in public

Never willing to let down the mask At least not around the mother she loves Always staying strong no matter the cost No matter the price to her heart

I only hope she knows all she has All those people who will support her Through the best times and moreso through worst Always being their for her no matter how hard

I also only wish that she learns its okay It's okay to be angry, sad, weak, hateful Never shall God look poorly upon her If she feels all that she should in this time

If I could take this pain from her I am not sure For pain is how we grow in this short life All I can say for sure is I will be there for her Whether she wants me to be or not

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My Friends

Let me preface this with saying I do truly love my friends I just wonder if I'm a complete idiot for doing so Do I simply pick friends that ultimately I cannot trust Or is it just me that is too demanding in expectations

Never do they put as much emphasis on me in their life At least that is what their actions seem to imply Unless I reach out to them or they need something I simply would cease to be and never would hear from them

Take the ones whom I have been there for in their darkest hour Be it emotional pain or even to their death beds Giving all my love, heart and support to them fully Yet they can so easily just step out of my life like its nothing

Then there are those who constantly say they miss me Yet never reach out to me in all their busy schedule Never once realize they aren't the only ones busy And that maybe just maybe I'd like to feel special from a message

There are those who state that they are friends But when they have to deal with the true me inside They become belligerent and close minded never listening Yet cannot understand why I draw back so I can avoid pain

Finally there are those whom I let the walls down for the most The ones who I let into my heart whom I trusted with everything Only to have them take that trust and destroy it completely Leaving me the broken shell I keep going back to

These are my friends.... 

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All My Life

All my life I have felt lost and alone Constantly reaching out for anyone Always getting hurt and putting up walls Only to get burned every time I bring them down

Family members who teased me or ignored me People who were supposed to love me leaving me Dearest ones who told me I dissapointed Making me feel like a failure in life

Close friends whom I believed understood me Only to choose petty things over time with me Berating me for my faults and closing their minds Never thinking about my every second of lonely agony

People whom I loved who claimed to love me Shared my bed with only to be used and turned away A convenient means to an end whose use was over Learning there was never anything there

Even my own heart and mind betrays me Causing me to hate and doubt myself To see an ugly reflection in the mirror Never believing that I am worth anything

All my life I have felt lost and alone While I have tried in the past I wonder Is it worth it to keep bringing the walls down Will there ever be pleasure to outweigh the pain