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my mom is convinced that kim k is becoming a lawyer so trump can appoint her attorney general
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what does it mean when they always come back to you
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remember when u were like 11 and the only thing u wanted was a lava lamp
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I can’t wait until like twenty years after weed is fully legalized and nobody cares anymore and comedians have to make real movies with real jokes
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honestly if someone tenderly cradled my face i think at this point i would probably blackout
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*opens photobooth to take selfie*

“maybe some other time”
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Me as a lawyer
BUT, your honor, I googled it twice
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“hello 911 i’d like to report a murder in th-” “haha, wow you’re a little snitch. hold on a sec. HEY DAVE, CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN SNITCH ON LINE THREE”
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Up in the club like
My stomach is not feeling well can I have a ginger ale please
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