badcompanion

[badcompanion]

Dear P,

I started a letter to you yesterday but gave up half way. In it, I wanted to purge every fantasy I've built around you (and there were many) in the hopes of moving on. The fact is, those hopes and dreams that I pinned on you, and spun into fantasies—they weren't about you. They were about me. You were simply a convenient vessel for my loneliness.

I learned a lot about myself in our time together, and in the those dark, delusional days that followed. I learned what physical intimacy does to someone who hasn’t been touched in too long. I learned what it's like to have perfect chemistry with someone, and what it means to have someone look at me and feel truly seen. I played out our entire future, in excruciating detail. Hell, I even played out my ultimate marriage proposal fantasy. 

I'm still a little mad and a lot disappointed in you. I still maintain that we had something special—or at least, we had the potential to be something special. I think I could have fallen in love with you, and I could've made you happy. It's important to note, because this is the first time in my life that I've honestly, truly felt that potential with someone. (I wonder, is this a common occurrence for people, where someone that you perfectly click with comes into your life, and then just disappears? I'm still so juvenile when it comes to relationships. Am I destined to repeat this over and over again?)

Maybe you felt it too, maybe you didn't. Maybe, if we had seen things through, we would've crashed and burned a few weeks down the road. As time went on, I wondered about that. Did I built it all up in my head? Was the chemistry real or imagined?

But it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change where we are now.

My only real regret, and what causes me the most pain, is the way things ended, with no real resolution, and no possibilities for revival in the future. It's still jarring to think about—it's as if I picked up a book, read just enough to get hooked, and when I was ready to turn the page to the next chapter, someone ripped it from my hands and forbade me to pick it up again.

If you had been honest with me, if you had picked up your phone and told me you had decided to commit to someone else, do you know what I would have said? I would've said, I appreciate the honesty, and I completely understand. Good luck, best wishes, no hard feelings. Maybe we would've stayed in touch, in which case, maybe we could give things another try when the timing was right.

I still think (and hesitantly hope) there's a chance it can still happen. There is, in the realm of possibility, the prospect that maybe you do think of me time and again and feel a faint pang of regret, or think, what if? And maybe one day, you'll put your pride aside and reach out, apologize, extend that olive branch and we'll get our second chance.

Maybe, in some alternate parallel universe, our happily ever after is playing out. In this version of reality, however, the only link I have to you—the only evidence that there ever was a link between us at all—is your number in my phone and a string of texts, beginning 5:32 pm, May 4, 2018, and ending 7:45 am, June 11, 2018.

I won't delete those texts, but I also won't dwell on them anymore. They're historical documents, of limited but nonetheless undeniable archival value. Our two fabulous dates, and the night we spent together will remain a bright point in an otherwise pretty terrible summer. Our first and second dates will likely be the measuring stick by which I measure the success of first dates to come.

I guess that’s all I have to say. I would add a nice closing line or a salutation here, but I know abrupt endings are more your style.

S. 

PS:

I’m probably just a small blip on your radar, maybe a faint tug on your conscience. I hate that I’ll never know. I can only sit here, in this cramped white prison I have built for myself and send my longing out into the universe.

I remind myself that you’re with someone else, but it doesn’t seem to stop my fantasies. I do think of that moment I saw you with her in Chinatown. I play it back in slow motion in my mind—your hand moving on the small of her back. I can imagine me in her place, how your fingers would feel as they pressed in to my skin.  It wouldn’t be a slight caress, that’s not your style. I liked that about you. You always touched with purpose.

Are you happy with her? You weren’t smiling. I know you saw me. I wish I had looked you in the eyes—what would I have seen?

PPS:

Why did you say all those things to me if you weren’t planning on choosing me?

Why didn’t you choose me?

[badcompanion]

come back

please please please walk all over me i’d rather be trampled than ignored i’d rather be tortured than forgotten

[badcompanion]

I fucking give up 😭😭😭

[badcompanion]

I’m lovable and capable.

[badcompanion]

this spring I will grow and grow and grow

[badcompanion]

Want that keep a picture of you in my wallet type of love

[badcompanion]

can you die from lack of affection? Asking for myself

[badcompanion]

1.4.17

7:45 pm: this year is off to the worst start lmao! i have zero motivation for school, zero energy, major insomnia (i haven’t slept more than 2/3 hours all week) 

9:47 pm: i can’t stop thinking about tyler!! i know i don’t know him well yet, but he’s easy to talk to, witty, has a great sense of humour...and he just gives off this vibe of goodness, idk. if i were to be in a serious relationship right now, he’s exactly the kind of guy i would want. 

10:00 pm: anyways, i still haven’t started the assignment that’s due tomorrow, nice. 

[badcompanion]

my new approach to tinder 🔥

[badcompanion]

Like any unloved thing, I don’t know if I’m real when I’m not being touched.

Natalie Wee, from “Lonely,” Our Bodies & Other Fine Machines (via moonlightangel)

[badcompanion]

8/3/17

12:45 am - *stares at phone for 3 hours, willing someone on tinder to message me* *finally gets a message* ugh, never mind. 

12:51 am - i probably need to have a good cry or go for a run or something tbh 

[badcompanion]

[badcompanion]

8/1/17

10:36 am - i’m so annoyed because as an aries sun + gemini moon, i’m 100% compatible with leos and of course evan was a leo!!! ugh and we were really compatible but idk. 

8:12 pm - also, its bad but I can't help thinking that if it wasn't for evan I wouldn't have said no to Aaron (phD boy), maybe that would've actually gone somewhere!

9:47 pm - i! just! want! to! be! loved! 

10:49 pm - should’ve let ricardo fuck me. 

12:21 am - i guess it always hurts when someone doesn’t want you, even if you don’t want them either. 

[badcompanion]

7/31/17

9:19 am - so nothing from evan all weekend. it’s fine, i think i’m over it (in the sense that i’m not expecting anything + not gonna reach out to him) but i’m still sad. 

9:20 am - horrible start to the morning, and i’m still breaking out like mad. all my horoscopes point to this being a bad week, so i’m excited. 

10:55 am - if/when he texts me again, i really wanna reply with, “sorry, who is this?” don’t ask why

8:45 pm - lonely lonely lonely

11:31 pm - I think my tinder streak is coming to an end lmao. It was a good run, but summer’s almost over, and there’s no way I’m gonna meet anyone new in the next two weeks. Plus I think I’ve swiped through every compatible guy, there’s no more!

11:46 pm - but it's real hard to love yourself when you're the only one that does, ya know?

[badcompanion]

7/28/17

10:06 am - ok ok so we are going out tonight. he finally texted me last night to confirm, and now we're going to this really nice bar/restaurant and then to this ice cream place afterwards omg he's so good at this

4:37 pm - anxiety-ridden, terrified, and breaking out!!!! pray for me. 

5:55 pm - i’m early, but he still beats me there! ok so he looks good, cuter than i remember. and small, that’s really...annoying. he gets up, hugs me. i’m v glad we’re sitting in a dark corner because i look like shit. i decided to walk there from work so i’m like hot and sweaty and out of breath, a good look. 

6:00 pm - we stumble through small talk, two drinks and some small plates. it’s good, it’s fine. it’s not worth recounting. 

8:45 pm - we head out, go to this rolled ice cream place a few blocks away. it’s a long wait for the ice cream, so there’s some awkward silences. we’re both kind of unimpressed with the ice cream. we go for a walk, and he tells me about d&d. We get to his car, and we’re both like what’s next...I’m expecting him to ask me to his place (which is really close by) but he just offers to drive me home, so I’m pretty disappointed. 

9:45 pm - we pull up at my place. i go in for a hug/cheek kiss, but we eventually end up sharing a pretty tame kiss on the lips.

10:00 pm - i’m super dissatisfied. the whole night felt pretty off, and i’m not sure if i want to see him again tbh. 

10:37 pm - a text: “hey, hope you had fun tonight. sorry it was over so early! *no emotion emoji* 

wtf is that??? 

11:26 pm - i respond: “hey! i did have fun! :) haha don’t worry about it, it’s been a long day for both of us. 

[badcompanion]

[badcompanion]

STOP SHARING YOUR BODY WITH MEN WHO DONT RESPECT YOU!!!!!!!! STOP GIVING YOUR LOVE TO MEN WHO DONT RESPECT YOU!!!!!!! STOP GIVING YOUR ATTENTION TO MEN WHO DONT RESPECT YOU!!!!!! STOP SHARING YOUR SOUL WITH MEN WHO DO NOT RESPECT YOU!!!!!!!!