badcompany669 - Tumblr blog

[badcompany669]

11/9/21

What is means to be almost 23. Right now I'm feeling a little more lost than usual. The main reason why is becuase there's nothing really wrong with my life now. Not to jinx it and not like it's perfect but something just feels off. I'm sure it's just me. I feel sad like maybe im just making myself feel like this... I just have this weird feeling towards my relationship at the moment. It for sure hasnt always been rainbows and sunshine, but I feel kinda dull inside about it. IT could just be that I've been sick with a cold for over a week. I havent seen him like our usual routine and I just am not feeling sparks. Not feeling connected is making me feel guilty. Maybe it could just be all the little negative conversations or feelings of paranoia to avoid them. It just seems stressful. The majority of it is happy and fun, but I still have feelings of annoyance due to his signs of immaturity and carelessness for his own being, i feel like i have to take care of him. I think it all comes down to his upbringing. Not having a mom has really affected his mentality as a young adult. No ones perfect, but I think he should have it a little more together by now, I mean you shouldnt be arguing with your parents this often in your life. There should be a little voice in your head keeping you in line. idk maybe im just tired of his dramatics, i feel like hes more the girl in the relationship. These are things i dont feel like i can talk to anyone about. Its not bad but i just almost wish he would take charge more and be more reasonable with me. I dont want to feel alone in leading our relationship. These things arent really bothering me in the moment. whats weird is how i just feel nothing, i dont want to lose feelings, and im not saying that that is what this is. I think it's a normal human reaction. I just want less drama. I want to be excited with my feelings towards him. I want more for me. Im not really depressed but maybe i just need to dive back into our relationship.I think im just tired of his neediness and mood swings. I wish he'd mature a little and communicate his emotions to me instead of getting an attitude over it. Idk i think im just warn out of emotions im just drained, I need him to man up. Not in a bad way I just dont want a complainer i want him to be the best version of himself. I dont want to feel this way, again i feel guilty and i dont even know if i should mention it to him. He might take it the wrong way. im stuck. idk what is missing for me. I need a good sign. Im tired of crying over face time. I dont want this to be a forced relationship. I want to be happier. I dont want to feel responsible for him and his actions.Maybe those feelings are my own feelings becasue i think i have a pattern of taking on my partners problems in my relationships. I think i need to really analyze and focus on my own problems or even just my own thinking patterns. it feels good to just let things out or even just to see them. It's hard dealing with everything alone.

[badcompany669]

6/9/21

I’ve been feeling super down lately just about everything. It sucks. I don’t feel good about my body as I’ve gained about 10 pounds since February and am back to the heaviest I’ve even been. And now I’m hating my job again. My boyfriend even spoke about it how it’s a joke job and I do bullshit work. I’m trying to find a new job but it’s hard. I stress about so much day to day. I’m trying to finish school and it’s hard to commit to a class I need while trying to attend a work schedule!! It’s really hard I feel like I’ll never be happy with work or school. This is really hard on me I feel like I’m sinking trying to get out of this place. Now I don’t feel good about getting up and going to the work place like it is a joke. Like it devalues me. His words were so harsh I don’t think he realized how much this already affects me and how it’s bothering me still. I feel horrible. I just want to cry I woke up this morning feeling borderline depressed. I feel so fat and ugly. I just want my life to get better. I want to feel good about what I do and what I’ve accomplished. School is so stressful to me and money it’s like a wheel turning in my head. I’m constantly wondering about money and my future I want to be more successful I feel useless.

[badcompany669]

6/10

everyday is a little different. im not as sad but sometimes i really miss you and then the next im super pissed. and where tf is my guitar. fucking asshole. i cant beleive you could just hurt me soeasily. i keep having the same thoughts over and over im going nuts. i really wonder if ill ever hear your voice again. idk if we'll ever meet again. all i know is i didn tdeserve that at all. i want someone who really appreciates me and is honest with me. i didnt deserve any of that pain you caused me. no contact or seeing you on social media makes our past sort of foggy like it almost didnt even happen.i just want to be in love again and i dont want to be afraid to put myself out htere agian. i deserve happiness with someone. i havent cried over this in a while. i guess its good to let it all out every now and then.im just feeling so much anger towards him i dont like it. at the moment i feel very alone

[badcompany669]

5/15/20

Wow it’s almost been three months since we’ve been broken up and now I’m starting to really take it the hardest. I miss you so much and it’s really making me upset. I’m wondering if I cross your mind at all how could I not? Do u just not care. I feel like what we had was so special but now I’m not sure if it even was or if I was just so caught up in the excitement. I thought our love was real. Mine was. I want u to text me. I just want our old nights back. I want that warm familiarity to wash over me in your arms. I wanna feel at home again and look in your eye and feel something again. I loved you so much I miss your voice. Just laughing at stupid things on the phone. I really hope I hear from you soon. I don’t know why this month is so hard for me. I’m feeling stuck in this loop of memories was I really that happy? Just one more night I want you to tell me you miss me. I think we deserve another chance. If u want to. I don’t know how else to say it. Being locked in is making me so emotional so idk if it’s like that at all for you. Then I think you might already be talking to new people. I’m just so pathetic. You already chose to not be with me. I hope you’re regretting it. Come back to me

[badcompany669]

3/26

i didnt get to say everything i wanted to after you became apart of me so easily. soon you became my safe place. every laugh and kiss makes me miserable now. inever thought id lose you this way. now i know that i was too much for you. i pushed toohard, you didnt want to be helped or "fixed". It was just for your own good i saw you needed help and i thought you would appreciate me. It's so hard not being able to talk to you or tell you about my day. i miss exchanging our encounters and giving my input, you were so funny. i loved you in such a special way. I gave you 100% of me but i feel like you only gave me 75.It's hard looking back now all the memories mocking me in my mind. i wish i couldve been everything for you the way u were to me. i never expected this from you. i wish i couldve told you how special and smart you are and how you always know how to make me smile. everything you said to me sunk into me. no one had ever made me feel so beautiful. i was finally getting what i wanted from every tv show and movie i was finally one of those girls. this hurts in such an unbelievable way, i thought i was done, i thought i knew how our story would go. i hate the way you turned on me and cut me out.how you gave me up so easily, like i meant nothing.i dont know when ill get over all the pain. i hope one day you realize the weight of what you've actually done. you embarrassed me.i was so patient and naive. i wish you could see yourself the way i saw you. i hate not being able to fix this. i wish we could just start over. i wonder if the memories are still haunting you. do you ever hear my voice in your thoughts or my laugh? did i even mean anything to you or was i just the hope to fill a void.i just wanted to be there for you. i did this to myself. i want you to come back to me but only it its going to be sincere. i dont know why it had to end like this but i hope youll find your way and grow up. hopefully we talk soon.

[badcompany669]

3/15

this has been the worst month of my life. my worst fear happened and viper broke up with me.

[badcompany669]

2/26

holy shit im back everyone, can you believe it?? Ok so evrything is goin guud. I am so happy with Viper. He just really gets me im so in love i love evrything about that guy. he is so special to me and ilove how he always makes me feel so loved and safe. Even the sex has escalated... someones comin out of their shell haha (not me) anyway its way better than when i last posted in october. ijust realized how much i missed typing wow. ive been out of work since mid jan. fuck dat. i feel so good being free but y pockets are hurtin. anyway the sex, omg love that! its so sensual and loving but also passionate and it really heats me up. I know i compared it to eric back then but i think id prefer this over that. idk his style was just so detached but hot and aggresive but he wasnt as good as pleasing me it was more like for him. idk i think i just felt hot with him but like porn star hot but with viper i feel sexy its so diff.He really appreciates my bod. and i appreciate his hes so cozy like a real life bear his snuggles are the best. Omg this is so not me anymore like if you look back at my old post im so synical and lustful. who is this gush ball typing? its the new me suck it up babies. im the good kind of emotional now ( knock on wood). In some way i guess i do think of eric from time to time but idk im over him but someof those memories just wont leave my mind. i mean he was a major part of my journey into my adulthood state of mind and body (gag lol) but ya like and even those times i went out to see him really changed me i think the main reason i cant get over those moments is because at that time i was so happpy and looking back i can still get a taste of tht happiness feeling. Idk so fucked up but thats just me. so ya all this love is great but that doesnt mean everything is perfect. of course neither viper or i are so ya we have had some bicker outbreaks lol tots normal. theyre mostly because of him. mine was over messaging eric lol viper no likey. learned my lesson-secrecy for the win! vipers problems are mostly due from distnacing in certain situations and that one slip up of the truth. nothing a little talkin cant fix. i just wish he would communicate with me more. hence the reason i whipped this ol bad boy out to explain. this week ive been feeling a little distance from him and i dont know if its coincidental or intentional from his own feelings. i hate when he closes up. drinking isnt a solution omg i hate how he does this. i think hes slowing maturing, i have to give him credit. he has totally evolved from when we first got together.I just want us to be okay and on the same page i need reassurance. love is scary i just cant handle being hurt again in that way. im really putting myselft out there but i think it's worth it. ive been overthinking since i posted and had to come back for more. im so scared hes doing drugs again. ugh i cant do this again. i know its hard for him but he told me he would stop. my stomachs turning i wouldnt be suprised if he was but it makes sense for the time being. ugh god i have to ask him now the next time i see him and it just happens to be on our anniverary omg id be crused i cant do this. if someone keeps showing you who they are u have to belive them right? this is our main (his ) struggle i just dont want him doing it becuase its bad for him and he already promised hed stop. i cant take the hiding it and lying. god how muchhurt can i take. now im convinced its going on. ugh im sad now. i guess we'll have to get through it.

[badcompany669]

10/13

ya so as i was saying im really happy with viper its just the sex isnt as hot as it was with eric. i mean its hard to compare bc he seemed to know what he was doin and he was more agressive, but also we were totally alone all those times. it sucks bc theres always ppl around so i cant fully zone out or be loud but its still good. it used to be better when we would get drunk. it doesnt last as long either idk sometimes i just wanna be flipped or have a thumb up my ass. theres so much potential. i really just want our own place already i feel like that would make things so much better. we used to have sex like 3 times a night and now he can only handle once. ugh i just wanna do it all the time. i feel like a guy. hes okay at sex its just that sometimes i dont feel anything idk what thats about. but with eric his penis was too big and painful so i deff felt that.

[badcompany669]

10/19

holy shit its been so long not gonna lie it hurt reread all that. Seems like 2 months ago but i guess im over it. im happy now with viper. he is my favorite person ever, he makes me laugh so much and is so loving im so in love with him. it still stings after thinking of all my past traumas tho.i really wish those feelings would go away now. a couple months ago eric came back to town and he was trying to have me pick him up and fuck like nothing happened and i was playing it cool and burned him casually. fuck that guy. i cant believe everything that happened its rediculous. also fuck britney and river i hate them so fucking much. Fuck the three of them theyre not good people and all caused me pain and sadness. i hope they all get a feeling of that. i didnt deserve any of it

[badcompany669]

4/8/19

some time has passed and im still hurting. Hate to say it, but eric hurt me again and i should have seen it coming. i cant even say i was blinded by love becuase i wasnt in love and neither was he. i think i was definitley in love with the idea of us. He clearly led me on, but i think i should have noticed some signs from the beginning. He just knows all the right things to say. As fucked up as it sounds i just want to talk to him so fucking bad. So conflicted with my thoughts. WHy did he have to do that to me, i guess its better i found out that was well idk but it sure would havehurt just havinghim stop calling me out of the blue. im taking comfort in the fact that i kno exactly what happened. Im just a fuck buddy to him just like i always fuckinghave been. So stupid. I think he was into me until he found someone else to fuck. i dont get why he called me every night either. wtf was that even for? he probably is with that whore right now. I wonder ifhe even thinks of me. my memories are all over his apt,he must be ignoring them. Hes not really the attached kind of guy. i hate that i miss him and that all my songs are ruined. I hate that i miss those songs but htey only give me pain in my chest. i dont think ill ever be able to hear them again. I guessim never going back there. so shitty. My imagination and hormones fucked me over. I dont know anything anymore. How could that have happened to me?? i basically got dick whipped across the face by the universe. I want him to want to talk to me. god i ccant believe im even thinking of him. ive been trying so hard to keep him off my mind but its so hard. Ill be fine but then ill hear his voice in my head from when we would have sex or ill think of our thighs intertwined in the dark. sO fucking horrible. trying to heal is the worst. i cant wait til this is over. it sucks because i was having somuch fun until the phone calls started. so disrespectful. i finally cried tonight and let it out to my cry song i ruined when everything happened with River. time flys lol. i think ijust needed to get this all out of my mind, i miss touching him and making out with him. His stupid fucking laugh was so cute and it mocks me in my head. ill move on.

[badcompany669]

3/24

i might have totallyjinxeed it. it was going so well and the sex was pretty good idk what happened bc i guess hes seeing someone else. im so unelievabley crushed.i dont know what i did to deserve tis. it started one night when he ent to his car to talk to his "friend" im not fuccking dumb hello obviously i sensed something was up. it hit me and i took a really sad shower and then waiting in bed. he came in suprised i was still up. fucking douche. that night was going good too until we went to go get food and he was fucking messaging some whore on snap like fuck me right. then the next night we got drunk as fuck and he went to go smoke and was on his phone so i sat on the couch and felt super sick and i went to yak in the bathroom for like 20 mins and then eventually i got in bed and i hear him come in and hes still talkin on the phonebut this time he puts it on speaker and hes telling her he cant wait to see her as soon as possible. fucking rot in hell. im literlly in bed just listening and i can her him talking about me "shes alright, shes here for the week."

[badcompany669]

3/18

so ive been with eric for a couple days now and so far so good dont wanna jinx it hto. double jinx back. i just cant believe im here. i knew iwas coming but still i didnt realize how much it would be just us. i wanted this so bad like 2 years ago. i really cant get over it. i keep getting waves of woah im really here. he is so idk not hot hot but i dont get why i am so attracted to him. its so strong too like who am i? everything about him im just kinda letting it sink in. i think hes having a good time. i mean its already been way more comfortable than last time. i just cant descibe it. drives in the car, talking in aisles at stores is all good weird. i just wanna tap into his brain for a bit. he must be enjoying me right? ive been really easy goin. this trip is gonna fuck me up bad.

[badcompany669]

3/5

things have been going so well with eric its no wonder he didnt call me last night. we had been talking every night for like 2 weeks i think. maybe it's just because he realized we gonna be together for so many nights soon. i hope he didnt meet anyone else out there. maybe hes just with his brothers. this 2 night no call is really making a statement. im sure as hell not gonna call him.god why has one day seemed like a whole eternity? this is bad. at least im bracing myself. why do guys always do this to me? i dont think it would be that bad if river didnt pull that shit with me. ugh can he just call? im traumatized from being ghosted its so fucked up, im like scarred for life basically. imean hes gonna have to call again, but i want him to want to talk to me. i dont understand these motives. i mean there is a chance he still might call tonight but the chances are getting bleaker by the hour. the day has been flying by but no word from him. i knew i was getting too excited fucking shit. this is typical eric. i thought we ere making progress. he referred to me as his gf the other day. maybe hes freaked out.i hope not

[badcompany669]

2/22

eric and i have been talking a lot this week but the last time we talked was a bit different. he was saying some harsh stuff but it was the truth so im not hurt. it was more like fucki cantthink of the right term. oh constructive critisizm. there we go.im not gonna lie im kinda drunk, but the last time i was i said i was gonna call him but he ended up calling me before i had a chance. idk i really like himbut how real can this all be? like how far can it go?? he doesnt even live here. its so shitty. on one point im happy that were even getting to this point but why could it not happen when we met? stupid debs. ive been thinking about her a lot latley. i feel bad for how i intervened but it wasnt really my fault. she must have sensed it, i wish i could see what shes upto. were keeping it on the dl but i want it to be known. like why cant we take snaps together or that were hanging out. i mean this time im playing it so easy breezy i dont want to jeprodize it all. i just might drunk dial tonight but thats it.ill just wait til he calls me back after that.i really just want to be myself around him. dont want to jinx it thought. the universe will bring what it eill. ive been putting out good vibes and karma.

[badcompany669]

2/14

last week i did something totally life changing and now im super bored with my life.. hate to say it. its just that it openedmy eyes somuch to what my life could go. i mean what i never thought would ever happen.

ok so a couple days have passed but ican not stop thinking about eric at all. im going nuts. so frustrating i know. ok so ya i never got to explain so ill just do it. i called him when i was high and he was actually happy to hear from me. we ended up planning from that night. when i got there icalled him and he was already on his way to pick me up, so cute. it was so weird seeing him like i couldnt believe he was next to me. i had his whole attention the whole time i was there it was so odd. good odd. its something ishouldnt get used to even though im already dying to go back. it was like i had an instant boyfriend. the sex was so good. and by good i mean painful. he really wasnt holding back. i basically split open. i got my period the next day though so i think were safe there. the last time i talked to him was yesterday and i just wanna call him. ive been wanting to call him but i cant ruin it by being clingy. ugh iwanna go back, i just felt like a whole other person out there, like we were finally in the placei wanted to be with him. i dont wanna get hurt these feelings r so prematue. its just from the sex connection plus the pill and the crazy moon cycle rn.. it has to be, i need to cool my shit. i ran into laney the other day and it wAs really weird like ahw knew or somwthing.i mean there was speculation at work but idk a wgike ago he messaged me asking about us andppl knowung bc someone messaged debs saying shit about him butidk. hes not with her. i hope they dont talk anymore. i want him. i think he likes me but is it enough? he said i can come back a million times but o cant tell how serious he is. i just want more, ive always liked him. i feel so close to what i wanted 2 yrs ago. ugh im gettingsucked back into myold life. im sending postive vibes out into the universe right now. pls send it out!! good vibes and happines for everyone. whats meant to b will come i guess. who knows whereill b in a month. a month ago i never would have guessed this, i feel likeim gonna wakeup any minute, i feel dazedl. ireally need to focus on myself rightnow. i feel like he'll call.i mean i said id go backnext month he has to remember that right? he kept my underwear for gods sake.

[badcompany669]

2/4

today was kinda good with viper!! at least were becoming friendsish right?? that leads to stuff right? we havent really flirted hard core like im used to but maybe thats just not his style?? idk whenever we talk tho we both smile so i guess thats good. i feel like this can flip either way? does he even find me attractive? am i talking to him too much? maybe i should cool it just a wee bit? i mean just trying to stand some ground. we have so much in common but thats good. im baasically the male version of himself. He must realize that. hmm i guess tomor shall tell. i think hes kinda shy. hes such a bad boy kinda like idk about him. what is he after? im so anxious to see if this will just be a dead end in the friend zone or smash brothers lol i guess this week ill buddy/ chat it up with him while i secretly starve myself and then next week ill start dressing hotter and edgier lol. just to spark up the heat. i just dont know what to wear tomor nvm i just brainstormed. ok so ya. i dont know. i want him to like me but is it for the right reasons. i mean ya fuck river but maybe this is some psychological proof that i need to prove im desirable. its like 2 % that and 98 % were perfect for each other. so not crazy at all. i do think hes cute, starting to transform into hot. id fuck. i can see thigns headed somewhere now. ugh this weather is not helping me to show off my body. i did really good with my eating today at least.

[badcompany669]

1/31-2/1/1

im really getting ahead of myself with viper. im just excited to be excited about a guy. im not going to be negative at all. Just putting it out into the univere. i mean why wouldnt he be interested in me? were pretty similar, but i mean we can joke and i think hes noticing my music taste. its so cute when he sings fuck! today i was really waiting for him to come back to see what would happen. it went pretty good i guess. we talked alo kinda. i wonder if the other guys have talked to him about me. i mean i am the only girl there. he has to notice me. i feel like im kinda edgey enough to be his type. i dont even know what that is. ugh so annoying. especailly what i heard about him today. not like thats gonna stop me. ican sense something is going to come from this. like how can it not. hopefully itll be by the time im gonna be alone for the weekend. im just waiting for him to spark it up. i mmean we talk and its full of energy but how do we kick it up a notch. i guess i need to be more laid back and alluring at the samwe time?? avaliable but not clingy. totally got that. i feel like we need an oppurtunity to hang out just us and then he'll have that holy shit realization. thats it no more eating. ha. idk. i havent felt this wy in so long its almost giving me eric vibes. it cant be just me sensing this right. i mean maybe the pickle hes in seems stressful but i can hlp take his mind off of it.