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[badmashtiger]

No gusa

I have been reading all the posts nafasam and you should know why I am not communicating? Aap hi nay tou kaha tha...

I want to spread happiness not pains.

Waisaye I was frustrated and mad initially on the caption of your new year post and to be honest I was first time disappointed in life from you. I let it go because I know how you would had felt when you were watching fireworks in Vancouver Nye. I can imagine the flashbacks of beautiful times and in anger you wrote few things.

Why was I disappointed in you? We learned so Many things in the relationship and rather than picking on positives a you publicized was negativity, which was pointed towards our love. For once I was disappointed in woman I love... I can understand I have disappointed you endlessly 😐

I truly wish and pray for your health success and happiness and inshallah you'll have lots of it. We may came in each other life for reasons and I have all respect and always sending positive energies to woman I am proud of.

Being greatful for people we have and had in our lives Is the greatest gift. And we both secretly stalk each other 🤔

And I listened to wording of songs... I know main reason wasn't the title of song. I pay attention to lyrics.. Skill I developed from people I'm greatful for being in my life 😊

[badmashtiger]

Determination and choices

Was reading your message 

" the one thing I always wanted in a man was determination about me and with you I never got that feeling or if I did it was temporary only. I hated that feeling of uncertainty. "

I know you always hated the feeling of uncertainty. In our situation, it is not about determination; sometimes reality hits. Humanity hits! I have been a very selfish person... Should i be more selfish? I do not know. Nafasam do you really think if we were not in this situation, Wouldnt I be determined about you? only you and your heart can answer that. 

The temporary feeling I gave you, I wish and would have loved to provide you with the feeling of that as permanent. 

I am the unfortunate and fortunate person.

Fortunate why? loved by two most loving woman. You and Begum. Both of you loved me endlessly, Neither one of you can hate me for hurting so much. Both of you would accept me in life if I choose honest path. 

Unfortunate why? I gave both of you so many wounds which may never heal. Made both of you cried for so many nights. 

I know deep inside, why begum stay quite and does not talk about this topic? why she accepts me? Why she thinks I am a good person? Just because of little angel.  little one misses me. Last night example.

Yesterday in car, little angel put her hands together for dua, She was like Allah miya please meraye daddy ki job achi kar do, ta kay may daddy mama ja kay fountains par dance kar sakey aur mere sath ziyada time guzar sakaye. 

For that little, her words were verbatim. Thank God we were close to the house, I somehow managed to hold my emotions till I hide in the washroom.  It shattered me from inside when I see her getting affected. 

I care for begum, I respect her a lot, She sacrificed everything for the little angel. All she wants to see is her happiness. Many of her happiness is attached to her daddy.

If all of this makes me less determined person. Then Yes, I am a bit. Sorry but I miss you.

[badmashtiger]

the unspoken

“ Many times I am lost in my own thoughts… I have developed more trust issues. I ask myself if I can love again and trust again? The one person I trusted the most broke it in a different level”

People say time heals everything. I do not know if I agree with it, but it does maybe make some wounds less painful. I know I did broke the trust at many levels. To the woman I dearly love, but at same time lied and was dishonest, and always scared to lose her. Truth is and was, I loved her and always wanted her to be part of life. Nafasam, because of one bad apple, does not mean the whole garden is filled with bad ones. You should trust. I know if you will love someone, you will give everything to that person; just the way you did for me. 

"I always thought Nafasam would drink the whole ocean just to save me from drowning. But you drowned me completely and let others drown me too."

This one stung me, and first I didn't agree with it, but when a thought of it; I could understand where you were coming from and you were not wrong for saying this. For you Nafasam I would battle and stand many storms and did, but certain category storms can even demolish the strongest buildings. Nafasam In the family I might be the strongest pillar for parents, they see me sometimes as saviour and someone who they can be proud of on every front. I know from deep inside I am the worst son when it comes to character. I was told, I am a pleaser, who try to please others. Little angel would be shattered, and so much more. 

Does this all make me a coward? Yes, we as humans have so many vulnerabilities, and the little one is the most precious one. 

Did I let others drown you, Nafasam I got blinded, and unintentionally it did... 

"I don’t think Nafasam understands the hurt he put me through. I don’t think he understands how it feels to hurt someone…"

No one will know the pain until they go through it. I do feel pain, maybe not as intense as you... I wish all your pain was given to me and you would be set free from all pain. 

"I don’t need pity from anyone and that’s not the reason I am writing, but I want him to know how badly it affected me.. I will never be able to put it into words.."

Nafasam It is not about pity, And I know you do not need that from anyone. One thing which we both loved was when we shared things. The way we have shared thoughts with each other and opened up, I know I have never opened up to anyone even close to that; same goes for you, and I know that.

"I have beautiful memories with him but I also have the most hurtful moments of my life with him. Why did he do that? Why did he not know my heart?"

Why! I know we need to know our WHY! in the perfect life, I would choose you to be with. Like you said, We get hurt the most by someone we love the most. I never want to hurt you! 

Remember we talked about want and needs! It is not i do not need you in life, but at same time parents and little angel; they Need me in their life. Not to take anything away from you and our love! Khabi kisi aur kay liyae jeena parta hai. Jan where ever I am in life, personally, financially or any way.. it is because of their blessings and duas. Kash may yeh blessings may aapko bhi shamil kar sakta.

maybe you think, why you are the one who have to suffer the most. I honestly do not know! it is me who should be the only one in pain and suffer.  

By the way love your quote, In your case, Aap to achai bole gaie hamesha. And You do have pure and clean heart, You wont do Nafrat! 

I have a confession to make! I have been a creeper a bit. I missed you. I had a rough idea of your location but did have confirmation in last two days. Today I did stop by at your branch, before going in made sure it was after 5 and you were off... waisaaye your cute car helped me find your workplace :) .. Went inside to confirm your location by the Christmas tree! Manager David seems like fun guy ;) I took a picture of your Christmas tree. I think I still have good detective type skills, but failed at the most important investigation and I still have not find.

[badmashtiger]

Ayat!

Was talking with my nafasam few days back and light humour joke she asked about the second child! or maybe it is on the way...

I know If I wish, Could plan second child. Lekin I think always, the first child did not give proper attention and love and on brink of ruining the life of a little angel.

Nafasam never knows that the main reason I would not want child with begum is nafasam. If I would have a second kid I would only have it with Nafasam and name her Ayat! Just the way she wanted and love it. I know she will always make a wonderful wife and a mother.

I would want Ayat with her looks and especially the heart of nafasam

While writing, she just messaged me and put smile on my face. I want to hear her voice... but I cannot ask for it, how will it make her feel? 

She says “us being together is impossible! and we both know...”

It is kind of impossible, Without breaking many relationships. from parents to everyone. She asks why life gets so complicated? I think people like me make it complicated and worst. 

[badmashtiger]

Nafasam On journey

“I took out the ring, because I hated when people asked me if I am engaged… What do I say? What if they asked who it is? What if I showed his picture and somehow that jeopardized him? What if they knew him? I hated lying to people but I couldnt tell them the truth either. I couldnt tell mom, that hurt me the most.”

They say, Mom knows all! and it is true. Mothers can see when their kids are in love, pain, happiness.Your mom can tell when you are happy and possibly in love! She then saw you in pain and asked you! She knew inside her heart what her daughter is going through! 

on little humour side https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5kWu1ifBGU

Remember when we were in Vancouver and went to Spence? I told the salesperson and even you! probably someone in old age time had diamonds and made a tradition! LOL now here we go :)

“ I care and love nafasam too but maybe being away was in our destiny.”

I know with doubt you have always done everything for me being a better person and love me endlessly. Gave every happiness in your control.

“ “jigram I miss you… love you lots.” 

You know I do love you and me saying again, Do not want to hurt you. I feel talking to you I am refreshing your deep hurted wounds. I ask myself over last two nights, Am I hurting her again? Nafasam You have beautiful soul and I would say even that for my begum, both of you are by far most wonderful woman I know. With big heart, give endless love and always truly care for me. I hurted both! not only her, on top you also. Why cannot I make both of you happy? 

Miss you and love You Jan!

[badmashtiger]

Misguidances? Doubts? Misunderstandings?

“ I don’t know why he chose to lie to me and stress me more than I already was. At first i believed everything, then slowly putting the puzzles together I found out on my own he lied “

Cancer! which is doubt! I started doubting on things, Due to my own fault! I don't blame Nafasam, I know today, I was wrong and she was truthful. I do not hold anything on the snapchat story; I do not blame Nafasam! the stress and situation I have put her into, Led to that. But That one small thing gave Begum tool to work with and I know for sure someone helped and guided her! and it was possibly her friends... Then it led to me being worried, on how information getting to her..! and the cancer spreads. 

I Know I started being bad at communication and which led to things worst. 

“ Why did he do it? Did someone guide him? But he knew me, so why did he listen to someone else. “

Nahi Yar, You know the person I used to discuss was my *brother*... He was always saying to be on the righteous path just like you. Very early in our relationship, he said DO NOT DO THIS! You will ruin the life and soul of a wonderful girl! You won't be able to give her what she deserves in life. And he was not referring to materialistic things. He was referring to as You being wife, respect from family and everything a wife wants. He kept telling me that there is commitments I made in life to someone(begum) and little angle, which should be the focus. 

I am stubborn! I get blinded... Do I say this was madness in love? craziness? Whatever we can name this! I knew one thing was to be part of your life. You became my obsession and dream! then the dream I cannot fulfil without losing everything. Destroy all relationships, little angles’ life and future, parents and maybe not gain respect from your family either for being a cruel man.

I know nafasam You would have given life! I turned out to be a coward, who is hiding, running, lying and misleading.

What begum did, was not to save a relationship! I know she did to save little angel who we love endlessly. She was for sure led by someone from her friend.

“I will forever cherish the beautiful times with nafasam. Being away with him was the most beautiful times… in the waterfalls, dancing and singing and putting a ring on my hand… going up the steep hill in a sari to watch a waterfall… then coming back when it was raining. I thought I would fall for sure but nafasam was holding my hand and never let me fall. Dancing with him was my favourite, walking with him was my favourite. I was so proud to have him.”

I cherished the most beautiful and color time of my life around you. Yes walking on streets and holding hands, and singing... I can sit and look into your eyes and your smile for all day and night!

[badmashtiger]

14nov2017 fb...

Kehna chatha hoon us say sab kuch lekin unka faida nahi. I do not want to make her life more challenging! I cannot even imagine what she has to go through during this time... 

“ I have never lied to you, I hate lying and liars. You should have known how much I hate dishonesty and dishonest people”

How did I become dishonest in life? I wish I knew the answer. How did I start walking in the path of dark shadows? I ask my question every time to my self, Did I really loved Nafasam? And without doubt, i know I did, but maybe my actions did not reflect the way it should. I know without a fact, I am a coward who was always scared to lose her and didn't knew I was sitting on a time bomb which was just waiting to explode and the person who will get the most hurt would be Nafasam. 

I know Nafasam has never lied to me, and certain situations created the doubt into me. It was not her fault! it was all mine; for doubting her. Doubt is cancer which kills the relationship and sometimes it is too late to realize.

“you might not know this or you do. But my love and respect was beyond this world for you"

I know that without any hesitation that how much I mean to her and how much endless love she has given to me. I couldn't fulfil my commitments and promises which I made.  

“If you continued things with honesty with me, I would have done anything for you and I would have walk away from your life if you wished. "

Every time I open honest to Nafasam, something would go wrong... and then start doubting! Which I should have not done to a woman who loved me so dearly.  I know She would have walked away from me if I would have asked, But Truth is that I never wanted her to go away from me. I was selfish and wanted her in my life, till I started seeing tears, broken heart and restless woman on a daily basis. I started questioning myself, What have I created for this wonderful girl! She should not be hurting like this. I always wanted (do not know how) to be part of my life truthfully and honestly, which I couldn't.

"lekin apni aisa kyun kiya meri saat in the most stressful time of my life??? Why?"

WHY? When first I met her, She was just someone who was magical! Not only physical appearance but someone who had a heart of a gem. Sometimes I think I was so busy in pursuing business dreams and forgot to feel loved or love. The biggest mistake I made was not being truthful to her in very early stage. I was the coward! I enjoyed nafasam company, talking to her and she made me feel happy, fulfilled in life and so much just beyond this world. I got carried too far and kept her in the dark, which I regret. Regreting does not make me goes to past and fix things for her. 

Why did I do this to her? .....

“You couldn’t fulfill your promises as lover I understand the circumstances, you couldn’t fulfill promises as a buddy, I am hurt but I understand. But as a human, we can have a courtesy and not hurt another human this badly. You crossed all the limits”

I crossed all limits of trust, love and friendship. You know my biggest weakness of life been the little angel! And I was always scared, that something will go wrong and I will lose everything, and everything to me is little Angel. But the question is why Nafasam had to suffer because of mistakes I made? I know I have failed in every relationship we shared! Lover, Friend, Buddy.. Humdard! 

"If you ever loved and respected me then this is my only request to you. I want you to live with integrity.”

Inshallah and working on that to be a bit of better person. Not only for people who are around me and love me and care about me; but for maybe little angel and the only thing you have asked me. 

I have so many thoughts go in mind and I do not write. I should maybe.

“ Chaand Mera Naraaz Hai” is gane nay kia kia keh diya..  You are always the master of the situation of songs. I will never be Naraz in life from you. I am the one who messed up in a super big way. I learned so much from you in life and will make a full effort to be a better person in life. I know You said that you cannot hate me, I know you have a heart of a gem and filled with love. You

3:30 part of song, tere bin beetaye jo pal... I can imagine! 

I am getting emotional, and this is where i should stop writing...

[badmashtiger]

Ristaye

Why rishtay can be so complicated? Why do we get attached to one person so much?

I tried telling myself maybe I’m attached to nafasam, but I am wrong.. It is definitely love and my heart misses her.. I don’t know if I message her is a good idea.. I want be held by her arms tightly.

She told me they she cries everytime she sees my msg and I want to see smiling nafasam.

I feel I have taken her smile and laughter away, when we were together, we would smile, laugh and share the unforgettable moments. I want to share more of those, but so many people get hurt along the way. Especially the little angle of my life.

Will I ever be truly forgiven by my nafasam? She says but I know inside her I’m not forgiven…

[badmashtiger]

Keeping to myself

It's been months since I have been talking to myself and miss the nafasam more and more. I know it is same for both of us. I still see her and imagine her in green dress she wore for the last time I saw her before the concert. I know deep inside that being away is good for her and hard for both of us. I miss her a lot.. 😯.. Why can't I keep people around me happy?.. Is it something I'm missing, without hurting people who love me and care for me? Why We choose to keep people around us happy? So many questions and impossible to find answers.

[badmashtiger]

nafasam on journey

first time writing in 8, months. I m happy and sad Happy for her journey.. she seems exploring and enjoying, sad that she got no ring on... can't be with her.. seems like she is getting away from me? maybe it's better for her.. I care and love her

[badmashtiger]

weekend ki udasi

phir say aik aur weekend and phir say aik udasi si hai. jab bhi ussay Baat nahi hoti kuch acha nahi lagta. even last night she didn't messaged good night, must be something bothering her. well it's more than just something. we both know what it is... Now she hardly even says anything. her silence says it all. we both love each other so much and some how I'm starting to get frustrated a little. frustrated a bit, how can I keep her happy in short term, and know the answer for long term. today whole day I felt so lonely, alone... Some happiness missing. my nafasam did message me but, very little. she lacked that excitement and happiness in texts. It kills me from inside when I cannot give her smile or happiness. she is in this state because of me 😕 This night is not ending and waiting for tomorrow to see her.. and reassure myself and her, inshallah all things will be OK. I feel like crying.... holding myself as strong I can... i cannot break down at house.. have to be strong... in front of my nafasam it is different, she holds me, she is someone I can share everything and someone who will understand me. jigram I miss you... love you lots.

[badmashtiger]

back to my writing

zindigi aik baar phir Idhar lay aaie

I am feeling lonely and keep talking to my self.. and trying to find answers… I miss my nafasam… her presence always brightens up my day. talking with her makes me happy. even her silence is little frustrating but I know I’m the reason for that silence… in our relationship it was first time she was in so much pain. I can’t imagine how terrible position i had put her… where she just exploded her emotions and shared. How painful for her… I hate myself sometimes… actually most of times when I see her sad! how can I hurt the woman I love? 😑 It was first time she said to leave me alone and never felt so much In pain. I know how much she loves me and she wants me to be happy… she doesn’t want me to lose my parents.. family. but choices I made will lead to losing all of that… I know that from inside today things at home didn't go well either. only good thing is the little cute angle. she makes me smile arch her cute things. N wants to leave me because I could be happy... I knoe she loves me a lot... only thing which worries us is little one. I'm a bad person.... bad father... and was terrible husband... Allah is very grateful on me for some reason.. and I'm fortunate for that.. gave me the most cute little angel... and both woman who loves me so much. both are Runing away or want to do things for my happiness. I feel....

[badmashtiger]

Lost

Sometimes my instincts are right about her.. I knew she was worried about something.. Or lost…?

I love when she messages me and share.

This woman loves me so much and at the same time she feels caged.. Lies… And not honest.

What is the solution? I know I need to do things in my life so I can move to the choices I have made in life. And choice is her. I felt like crying when she told me how much pain she is in.. never felt like this before. I hated myself so much... how can I keep putting the woman I love so much in such a position where every day she has to go thru pain. How can I be such a terrible person... she first time in life said "leave me alone and let me handle things alone". it is shattering feeling for me but when I look from her perspective! I can't even imagine how terrible situation I had put her that it came to this point 😑

[badmashtiger]

Hope

In Jasper.. Morning.. Last day She messages me.. “don’t give me hope which can’t be fulfilled”

I told her upfront.. I am giving hope of something which will be fulfilled and want to.

At same time us people are strange…

For all the time I never gave her hope or told her that I will definitely marry her. She was still holding on to the hope… After she knowing everything..

Now I told her, I will be with her… And she feels little insecure or worried.. Duno if that's the right word to use?

I don’t know if insecure is right word.. But I can understand from her point of view.

Every woman desire to be with man who is only hers. And give her family and love her the most. And this woman I want to do it for her and for myself

I feel happy.. With her

[badmashtiger]

Kiyoon dil hamesha cahatah hai kay woh mere pass ho…

Itna haseen mausum hai.. And light breeze and sitting in open Park under tree..

Her thoughts makes it just better. I feel her whistling in my ears and I can close my eyes.. Holding her and dancing… Reminds me of just perfect day which I spent with her few days ago.

We both want to be part of each others life… And how.. How can I make it right, where us… Especially her can be living without fears…

Want to hold her in middle of busiest place and dance in her arms and kiss her.. One day..? One day.. 😊

[badmashtiger]

After a while... Finally felt free.. Happy... Relaxed... Cheerful... I wonder why? Wasn't expecting.. But somehow things were may be ment to be... Met her today.. And I was very nervous when she messaged... After seeing her.. Everything started to feel just right. She always says, she dosent like to be living in fear.. And who knows better than us? Especially me... Atleast she knows all the reality and truth.. How can one be so grateful? When she forgives for everything ....and still loves me.. How can I not love this woman more? She is the happiness.. And maybe one person I can open to it opened to.. Being with her is not the right thing according to society.. Culture... And everything.. But at same time only real happiness I find is with her.. She wants me to go back to family? I can... But does it change the fact or anything of me not in love with woman I'm married to..? Does it change my feelings for my love..my tigeress? I know I'm selfish... But selfish for love.. Spark... Happiness.. Adventurous and everything I can ask for.. In my tigress. Today felt so great.. Maybe felt like a free bird flying high.. Small place where we were... It was place of its own.. Didn't felt any fear.. Danced.. Hugged.. And maybe did I managed to set my soul free?

[badmashtiger]

After couple days I broke the status quo.. Messaged her.. Wanted to her from her.. Also send the video of the event.. Why does my heart started pounding so hard when she messaged me.. I felt a bit of smile... And how she gives me such a cute feedback on speech...