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[badmom-roxanne]

Worlds Worst Mother

Nice to meet you. I may not be abusive, I may try hard to make sure I do well by my kid, but I’ll be honest. I am the WORST mom. Everyone told me once I had my baby I would be in love with them, that everything would fall into place, that being a mom would be the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s not. I hate being a parent. I am no longer a person. I am a parent, that’s all I am. If I complain I’m told how selfish I am or that I’m just depressed it’ll get better, it’ll all be worth it. To who? Am I really doing this kid any good by forcing myself to do the one thing I told myself I would never do? I never wanted to be a parent, it feels almost as if it was forced upon me, by the time I found out I was pregnant it was too late to do anything, but the truth is that I had suspicions. I had suspicions and I think I was so scared they where true I just tried to hide it from myself, I think I was in denial. My mother was an abusive pos and did not do well raising me. I knew that, I never ever wanted to be her, I knew I couldn’t handle kids, I didn’t want to be a parent because I was (and still am) terrified that I’ll become her. A bitter alcoholic narcissist.  The truth is that all of this is my fault. If I hadn’t been so stupid, I could have terminated the pregnancy. I could have given my Childs father a chance to have a choice. Now it feels like neither of us do. It’s all my fault, and I can never take it back and fix what I have done. I want so badly to do right by the people in my life. Every decision I make is pivotal to this child’s development. I never ever want my child to know how bad I fucked up... how would I feel hearing these things about my parents pregnancy, not good I imagine. It doesn’t matter now I guess. I don’t matter now, all that matters is that I don’t fuck up my kid as bad as my mom fucked up my life. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know if I can do this, but I guess it doesn’t matter... If my kid needs my arm, I guess I’ll give it to them. I’ll give them everything until I have nothing, and then I’ll give them some more. What choice do I have?